Cambot's Voice #3-- I Was a Teenage Werewolf (MST3K-809)

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (MST3K-809)

Reviewed by:  S. J. Martiene

I mentioned in Experiment 1 that I was a Mom of two teenagers.  Some of the best, MSTied movies feature the teenager and B-movie genres.  It just so happens that this month’s feature, MST3K #809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf fits both bills perfectly.  Of course, they are SUPPOSE to be teenagers in this film, but Hollywood has an affinity for older actors playing high schoolers; ONE of which is playing our monster.  We have it all in this movie.  There is milk-throwing, raw meat eating, a Halloween party, bad singing, a mad scientist, and yes … a werewolf.  The fact that THIS particular lycanthrope is portrayed by none other than TV icon, Michael Landon makes this movie interesting for riffing on so many fronts.  There are Bonanza jokes, Little House on the Prairie jokes, and Highway to Heaven jokes.  There is even one riff dedicated to a 1976 autobiographical movie Landon wrote and directed called The Loneliest Runner.

I have to say that since re-watching this movie, the host segments are some of the best of the series.  With a runtime of only 76 minutes, the host segments are a bit more detailed and really show the comedic timing and writing talents of the gang.  So enjoy, as we take you through the exploits of 1957’s I Was a Teenage Werewolf.

HOST SEGMENT 1:

The Bots want to overthrow Mike as Captain of the ship, but they soon learn that none of them are capable of replacing him.  Crow and Tom nominate Gypsy, but she has to run the ship.  Crow has a set of creepy crawlers in the thing-maker … and well, Servo … is Servo.  He has prepared a “statement” on WHY he cannot be Captain.  This is one of my favorites, so read on, won’t we?

“…  I cannot be Captain, for you see dear friends, I am unfit to lead other men into battle, into space, or in a line dance.  I submit that if I picked my nose for a half an hour, my head would cave in.  I’m nary to know betwixt shinola and that other stuff.  I cannot lead because I cannot find my ass with both hands and a flashlight … I will now open the floor to questions about my accomplishments.”

Since Servo’s concession speech is over, Mike regains his position as Captain.  Servo mocks him as only a conceding Bot can.  Pearl, Brain Guy, and Professor Bobo are on Earth (somewhere).  They are camped out and Pearl has told Mike she is putting the crew on battery back up, disconnecting them from their main power source.  This upsets Mike greatly … “We’ll be without power???”  And then, what follows, is the BEST Pearl Forrester line ever:

“…  You know what else?  You’ll be without diapers too, you big, huge, giant babies!!  DEAL WITH IT!!”

Pearl packs up all the gear, and sends the guys a movie.  Soon, there’s a hull breach and Servo comes back with a face hugger.

MOVIE SIGN!

During this film, there are many parodies of the Bonanza theme song.  The movie opens with our lycanthropic protagonist, Tony, in a schoolyard fight.  Soon we see Detective Donovan (Barney Phillips).  You may remember him from the EXCELLENT Twilight Zone episode, Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?  He does what he can to calm Tony down, but he doesn’t want to have any of it.  You will notice a high number of Richard Jewell jokes during this segment.  Google him if you don’t remember what happened at the ’96 Olympics.  Anywho, Donovan wants Tony to see a “doctor/shrink/mad scientist.”  Tony disagrees and walks off with his girl.  The next scene takes us home and his Dad.  Tony protests too much when Dad tries to talk about his stubbornness.  His Dad leaves for work, chiding him NOT to eat his lamb chops raw like he did his burgers.  Tony has had enough of everyone yapping at him all day and we see the whole premise of his demise see ….MILK HURDLING!!  (All the guys make kitty meow sounds here)  The scene switches to Arlene’s house, where “Jabba the Husband” and the woman with “Aaron Burr’s Hairstyle” live.  They give the 50’s “talking” to the Tony the boyfriend.  Girlfriend starts harping about the doctor again. 

Now it is PARTY TIME…with vague “Kinda White” music, innocuous pranks, great lines, and the running joke with safety dummy, Resusi-Anne.  “Ah...kids those days!”  (Crow)

HOST SEGMENT 2

Crow has a Proximity Detector to see how bad the alien life forms are on the ship.  They are all OVER, problem is…..he had the wrong setting activated on the detector and was measuring the humidity.  They have LOTS of humidity, by the way.

MOVIE SIGN

Back to the party…  “Elvis J. Pollard” is singing.  “We are now entering a genital-free zone.”  (Servo)  The song is one of the worst ever, almost as bad as when Michael Landon was on the TV show Hullaballoo (Google that if it is around…YIKES).  After the song is over, the DUMB pranks start.  Mike:  “The Carnival of Souls boyfriend.”  One of the guys blows a horn in Tony’s ear … and suddenly it’s “The Sock Hop of the Damned” (Mike).  Tony slugs one of his friends and pushes down his girlfriend.  Servo laments, “I thought it was alright if I picked a little fight, Bonanza?”

That little episode at the party lands our little werewolf-to-be in the office of veteran B-movie actor, Whit Bissell (who was actually in some really good films too).  Bissell’s character, Dr. Brandon also has a sidebar conscience (his assistant played by Joseph Mell).  Dr. Brandon hypnotizes him, and he closes the session saying, “Soon…you’ll be yourself.”  “An angel, a cowboy, a pioneer dad.”  (Mike)

The kids have another gathering…but Tony is bumming.  Frank (another kid) isn't pairing up with anyone and will walk home alone. 

Cut to Frank walking home ALONE.  ”Ralph Fiennes IS Li’l Abner!”  (Crow)  “I was a teenage werewolf snack.”  (Servo)  We know Frank is TOAST he just runs and falls and falls and runs…and well…this IS a predictable set-up in a B-movie.

HOST SEGMENT 3

Servo hunts down face hugger and kills him.  Did I mention he was heavily armed?  He is going after the “beast” that has the ship surrounded.  Crow and Mike are taking bets on how long it takes Servo to cry.  And he does cry ...singing…”Don’t Cry Out Loud,” “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” and “(They’re Coming to) America.”

MOVIE SIGN

The movie returns and we find ourselves at the police station, with Detective Donovan.  Another policeman walks in.  This guy….NAMED GUY Williams did not get a first billing, but he became known later playing TV’s Zorro and Dr. John Robinson of Lost in Space.  Also, there is an introduction to Pepe, the janitor, at the police station who wanted to look at the pictures.  Pepe knows right away, the death is caused by a werewolf.  “You’re crazier than Dr. Smith!”  (Servo)

Tony goes back for another session at Dr. Brandon’s.  Tony is scared.  “I found a leather jacket in my stool this morning!”  (Servo)  Brandon keeps battling with his assistant.  Tony remains tense.

High school, high school and we have to see a girl in yucky gym leotards.  Tony talks to the principal and he gets kudos from her.  He leaves and starts watching the gymnast.  “It’s alright if I kill a couple of kids, Bonanza!”  (Crow)  He leaves the office and bells ring “Oops, he’s Johnny Depping.”  (Mike)  He attacks her in front of many people then, the poor girl dies.  “This is good, she caught him in the act and she can rub his nose in it.”  (Servo)  When the cops arrive, all the kids finger Tony, but they can’t believe it.  Even Dr. Brandon denies Tony could BE a werewolf.  Everyone gets a going over, the Dad, the girlfriend, and Tony is still howling up and down the woods.  “Just give him a Liv-a-snap.”  (Servo) 

HOST SEGMENT 4

The beast is laying GIANT alien eggs.  The guys start making omelets and …well, Crow starts designing the menu.  “She’s not around, which means she could be anywhere!”  (Servo)  Suddenly Crow becomes a restaurant critic.

MOVIE SIGN!

A search commences for Tony.  I’ll just list a series of riffs during this segment because there is no real action to describe except for guys peering through things.  “Try banging on his food dish, men.”  (Mike)  “The Bernard Hermann score really heightens the tension.”  (Servo)  “Looks like Paddington on a bender”  (Mike)  “This werewolf is an herbivore.  Luckily, this guy’s name is Herb.”  (Crow)  “Indiana Jones and his sidekick, Merle.”  (Crow)  “Never let Jose Feliciano lead your search party.”  (Mike)  “Sir, I think I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand.”  (Mike)  “1943- An Ewok makes it behind German lines” (Servo)

Finally Tony changes back to Tony.  He calls Arlene but cannot speak to her.  The police want to know who called her; she couldn't tell.  “…  I’ll check in with Huggy Bear.”  (Servo)  Tony then returns to Dr. Brandon, who decides to put him under one more time.  “Dogs can sense bad acting.”  (Servo)  Tony changes back into a wolf; this isn’t good for Whit Bissell.  The cops FINALLY come in and look at the debris field.  “Wow, a werewolf that size can really poop!”  (Servo)  They shoot to kill, guessing somewhere along the line the silver bullet necessity has been covered.  Tony is dead.  Whit Bissell is dead.  All that is left is for the police to cry over spilled werewolf.

The guys exit the theater and they soon see the alien has taken over the ship.  They have to reverse the ship polarities to remove it.  This didn’t work, so they have to do the one thing they were saving that would repulse the alien so much, it would have to leave.  Mike became Adam Duritz of Counting Crows.  It worked.  Once they regained control of the ship, we see Pearl telling ghost stories around the campfire to Bobo and Brain Guy.  She has them crying like little girls.

This movie is a howling good time.  Seriously, it has EVERYTHING.  I have seen it unriffed and riffed many, many times and every time I laugh my butt off.  If you get the chance to see it, don’t miss it. 

These following websites are invaluable for information.  Check them out, won’t we?

www.mst3kinfo.com

www.imdb.com

www.rifftrax.com

www.cinematictitanic.com

http://mst3k.wikia.com/wiki/Mystery_Science_Theater_3000_Wiki

http://mightyjackmst.com/

Killer Shrimp, Demon Bats, Geese….AND RIFFS!

On April 1st, 2014 humankind’s sense of humor was given a wonderful gift.  The National Geographic Channel and the guys from RiffTrax (Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett) got together for some nature, nit-picking, and riffs galore!  I’ve always loved when the guys voiced animals.  To me, it’s hilarious.  Three shows were chosen, and I have broken the shows into tasty nuggets so that maybe you may wish to go and purchase the riffs (links provided at the end of the article) and ENCOURAGE NGC to have our laughing boys do some more shows.  So without further delay, I bring you TOTAL RIFF OFF!!!

Show #1 – Killer Shrimp n’ Friends – This show is simply a bunch of different naughty animals and their rather enthusiastic storytellers.

KILLER SHRIMP

Karen (VERY EXCITED): Watch out when Mantis meets mantis

Mike: Dial it back lady you’re talking about shrimp

GEOGRAPHER’S CONE SNAIL

Narrator:  it’s designed to kill fish but it can take out people

Mike:  Vengeance for centuries of escargot-eating

HONEY BADGER

Narrator: On today’s menu lizards hidden under the bark of the tree…

Bill:  Plus endless salad bar

The final scene with the honey badger ends with a juvenile devouring a rodent, “Let’s see those pansies at Meerkat Manor deal with something like this,” Mike exclaims.

MARLEY, THE THONG-EATING CAVALIER KING CHARLES SPANIEL (I do not exaggerate) 

Dr. Ehrlicman: …We did see a tag that was protruding from her rectum

Mike:  We then discovered she was a stuffed animal

The narrator here sounds SO MUCH like Mike, it isn't even funny … well … I guess it is particularly when one tries to imagine Mike narrating straight-face a story about a dog who eats a teenage girl’s thong underwear and has to have them (yeah … as in more than one) surgically removed.

THE DUNGLOE SEAL 

This is the story of Sally the Seal who was domesticated by a kindly vet and could not readjust to a normal life.  They become really close, the vet opens a seal sanctuary, and eventually Sally dies.

Miriam:  He decided to bury Sally behind the house

Bill:  Next to Old Yeller and Bambi’s Mom.

DINO BIRD - CASSOWARY

Narrator:  You don’t usually think of a bird as being a killer…

Kevin:  Unless you’re Alfred Hitchcock.

Most of the animals were described as “badass,” some even “bad@$$.”  The adjective was used SO often that the show could have been renamed, BAD@$$ Animals. 

Respect the cassowary….

KOALA 

Koala’s are lazy and disgusting, especially the babies.  I shall NOT go into much detail here, just look up the word “pap” and that should tell you more than you need to know about Koalas—EWWWWW.

TASMANIAN DEVIL

Karen “Doc” Halligan was the MOST annoying of all the NatGeo narrators/spokespeople.  She could have been riffed on her own.

Narrator:  Tasmanian Devils steal food … even from people.

Kevin:  They’re probably stealing from you RIGHT NOW!!

More animals get introduced during the closing credits to Bill’s protests, “STOP INTRODUCING THINGS!!”  They are so good with animal riffs, some of my favorites.

Show #2 – Demon Bat

 

This show centers on a greasy-haired guy searching for the Demon Bat in Mexico among people who do not want to be filmed.  “Also, you may not want to say you’re hunting for a killer bat if you don’t want the entire village to point and laugh at you.”  (Kevin)  “These people even have their OWN language,” adventurer guy boasts.  “It’s called SPANISH, or something like that.”(Bill).

After some theatrics and hullabaloo with the local shaman he makes his way to the … batcave … ahem.  [ASIDE:  This show reminded me of Geraldo Rivera’s failed attempt to show what was in one of Al Capone’s vaults.  We now return to our show.]  Our hero approaches the “monster’s lair.”  “He says the same thing when he goes to the post office.”  (Mike)  After going through a tortuous and arduous journey through the cave of treacherous conditions with plenty of guano, he shouts, “That looks like a bat!”  “Should’ve brought someone who has at least seen a bat.”  (Mike)  For some reason he switches gears to go elsewhere.  Ah, those crazy Mayans and their crazy bats.  Our intrepid explorer braves high water, washed out roads, red ants, and the locals to find something … ANYTHING … that resembles a demon bat.  He gets advice from a native.  “He just gave him directions to his crazy uncle’s machete-murder barn” (Mike).

Our traveler loses his guide, so he is on his own.  “All historical research based on Indiana Jones movies” (Kevin).  “If he wanted to be under the shadow of some bat-like god, he should have gone to a KISS concert.”  (Bill)  Twenty-one minutes into the show, we get to see FRUIT BATS!!  Our guy takes a picture of some carvings and finally hits pay dirt, according to some knowledgeable advisor.  “This is a cave, if I were a bat, I would live here,” he proudly states.  “If he was a bat, he’d fly straight into a bug zapper” (Bill).  Finally, half-way through the show – WE SEE THE BATS!!  More … FRUIT-eating bats.  “And so we continued our search for things we weren't really looking for.”  (Bill) Our traveler interviews more scared villagers, and they talk about attacks on people and livestock.  The decision is made to set a bat trap. He finally catches a vampire bat, with “blood on its breath.”  “There’s hamburger on your breath, hypocrite.” (Mike)  He wants to learn more and there are three more minutes of show to kill.  “I smell a hippie somewhere.”  (Kevin, as a bat)  Thank goodness that horror is over.

“Nature, it’s GROSS!!”  (Kevin)

Show #3 – Guy and a Goose- This show’s theme centers on people and animals. We go from a goose to gators to a cadaver-seeking spaniel.

DOMINIC AND THE GOOSE 

Dominic began getting stalked by a goose, named Maria.  “Turned out it was just Val Kilmer looking for work” (Mike).  We have several minutes of guy and goose, and a music video and a park rehab project ensue.  Through all this, a cycle wreck, and a trip to the zoo, we discover Maria is a MARIO.

Narrator:  Some where this story will have a happy ending.

Bill:  It will involve orange sauce.

GATOR RETRIEVAL 

We meet a gator removal crew probably in the Florida Everglades.  “You’ll never make a crocodile mile out of me, coppers!!”  (Kevin)  “Hang on, it sounds like a Seinfeld episode is tryin’ to start” (Mike).  “Still no shoes, huh?”  (Bill)  “That’s what the gator is for” (Mike).

WILD HOGS 

Next up is a wild hog removal team checking traps.  “Hopefully enough for one baconator” (Kevin).  The crew decides to get more hands on.  “Chasing a feral pig, what could possibly go wrong?”  (Mike)

MORE GATORS 

After a brief sidetrack to raccoons, our swamp crew returns to gators.  “Knowing alligators can kill him is what makes him a legend.”  (Kevin)  “Gator-trappin’ is mostly about the laughs.”  (Bill)  Throughout this segment we all learn why PAUL of the gator crew is a LEGEND.  I suspect he is also WINNING.

CADAVER DOGS:  Belgian Shepherd Malinois vs. Cocker Spaniel 

This segment centers on a business specializing in training cadaver dogs used in military and law enforcement situations and a customer, a contractor named Rodney, who has his heart set on a particular breed.

Owner: Rodney technically likes the Malinois, but I’m going to push a Cocker Spaniel on him.

Kevin:  And while he’s distracted by that, I’m going to slap him in the face with a pug.

They go through different cadaver scents (up to and INCLUDING actual body parts) to show how impressive the spaniel (named Bullwinkle) truly is.  “We've ALL murdered here, let’s be honest.”  (Kevin)  Bullwinkle gave a great performance.  “He smelt it AND found out who dealt it.”  (Mike)  Never fear folks, the Rodney and Bullwinkle Show WILL go on.

All in all, I really LOVED the RiffTrax/NatGeo collaboration on April 1st.  The shows have already aired again on NGC and are available at the links below for $4.99 per episode.  It’s definitely worth the laughs because there is so much more than I can capture in this article.  So please check it out, and write your cable providers, won’t you?  Thank you.

http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-1-killer-shrimp-n-friends

http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-2-demon-bat

http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-3-guy-and-goose

For the Love of Laughter, Horror (and Hosts), and CHEESE!

S. J. Martiene

For as long as I can remember I have enjoyed a good laugh, a good fright, and have been exposed to my fair share of bad movies.  Growing up with Bugs Bunny, The Marx Brothers, Bob Hope, Carol Burnett, Johnny Carson, The Dean Martin Roasts, and the endless one-liners from the ORIGINAL Hollywood Squares game show, I became quite skilled with the “aside”, sarcasm, innuendo, and just downright belly-laughing guffaws.  Oh yeah, I failed to include HEE HAW in that mix (along with too many other names and shows).  That show instilled its own kind of humor which is still with me to this day.  During my pre-teen and teenage years, I was fortunate to spend some of my movie-watching hours at the drive-in.  To this day, I can remember vividly some of the shock, schlock, and shivers.  I remember the taste and the smell of the popcorn, the anticipation of the Intermission Countdown, and the crackle of the speakers. All of these are wonderful memories indeed, and helpful to drown out the painful thoughts of the hometown drive-in that was destroyed to make room for a strip mall.

Accompanied with this outside-the-home movie enjoyment, we had our own TV Horror Host (The Fear Monger).  Between his Saturday night escapades, I was exposed to arguably the greatest TV decade EVER, particularly for the horror, suspense, and crime genre.  Seriously, with fare like Kolchak: The Night Stalker, The NBC Mystery Movie, Circle of Fear, and movies like The Legend of Lizzie Borden, Crowhaven Farm, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, and Gargoyles how could I NOT love it!!  I still watch these on coveted DVDs today!!!  Ah the 70’s, full of highs and many personal lows, but little did I know that it would be nearly another 20 years of living before another show would cram EVERYTHING together for me in a nice, neat Cowtown Puppet Show package.

FAST FORWARD:  March 1992

So I went to school, went to work, had moved to South Florida where I would meet my future husband and we would start our family.  In March ’92, I was watching The Comedy Channel (Comedy Central’s first name), and I discovered something beautiful.  There was this guy, with two robots, in a spaceship theater, and they were TALKING through The Crawling Hand. It was love at first sight.  Whenever work and life schedule would permit it, I was watching this show.  Then, I noticed the show always ended with a salute to “The authors of the First Amendment and The Teachers of America” AND then it would say…”KEEP CIRCULATING THE TAPES”.  SO I started recording the episodes as often as I could.   And it is this show that I have taught my boys to love and that we are STILL watching a quarter-century later:  Mystery Science Theater 3000.

As many know, MST3K started as a local show in Minneapolis (KTMA) in 1989 and was the brain-child of comedian-extraordinaire, Joel Hodgson.  It revolved around a maintenance guy (Joel Robinson played by Hodgson) who worked for two nefarious characters, Dr. Erhardt (Josh “Elvis” Weinstein) and Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu), at Gizmonic Institute.  He was forced into a human experiment of watching painfully bad movies to break his spirit. Erhardt and Forrester thought that the success of this experiment would further their advancement in conquering the world.  Joel, getting lonely in space, created robots from things he found around the ship.  These robots would become his children, friends, and sparring partners and two of them would even accompany him into the theater to share his movie experiences:  Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.

Josh Weinstein gave Tom Servo life during the KTMA year and the “official” Season 1 on Comedy Central.  Trace Beaulieu managed Crow T. Robot from the beginning until MST3K left CC to join The Sci-Fi Channel (now SyFy) in 1997.  All of them, along with Kevin Murphy (Future Tom Servo), Michael J. Nelson (future host), and Bill Corbett (future Crow T. Robot), Frank Coniff (TV’s Frank who replace Weinstein in Season 2) and many others added their own comedy touches within the writing of the show.  The humor would normally stay current with many pop culture references to the 60’s and 70’s (which I identified with completely).  Every once in awhile, there will be a topical political joke or pun that could get lost in future years.  The greatest thing about this show is that it was great at being an “EQUAL OPPORTUNITY POLITICAL JOKESTER”.  What I mean by that is that the SHOW did not take sides, and I loved that so much.  I remember that is why I loved Johnny Carson because he railed BOTH sides of the aisle.  For this reason and because the show never strayed from what it was – three characters sitting and making fun of movies, it will likely remain a cult favorite.  And let’s face it, most of us have talked to our TV sets all our lives!!!   AND…they got to do it in a THEATER…..now THAT was cool.

Another element that endeared me to Mystery Science Theater was it contained many characteristics of the “Horror Host” movies so prevalent in my younger years.  I became acquainted with the opening segments and skits between commercial breaks.  As a kid, I always felt this broke the tension of the very SCARY movies being aired that night.  As an adult, I found these bits filled with dry humor and wonderful sight gags that I continue to use today.  The tribute to the Horror Host was quite evident.  There were mad scientists, invention exchanges, running jokes from episode to episode, cheap props, and the destruction of civilizations – all neatly confined on the bone-shaped ship called The Satellite of Love.  Of course, there was an Umbilicus that connected them to Deep 13 (The Mads’ Lair), but that is going to lead to some tedious detail about the show’s final years…and well…..JUST WATCH, okay?????  In addition, there were all kinds of visitors and intruders on the SOL over the years; from Demon Dogs to Nanites.  Even a quarter-century after its birth, MST3K is still gaining fans and getting DVD releases each year.  Not bad for a show that used broken pieces of a Hungry Hungry Hippo game and Millennium Falcon model as parts for the set.

Lastly, the show EMBRACED the bad movie.  Lord knows that if Hollyweird knows how to put out one product well, it is the cheesy flick.  Not all of the MST3K library includes the horror/sci-fi genre either, sometimes it would delve into the Action (MST3K #614 San Francisco International), Fantasy (MST3K #505 The Magic Voyage of Sinbad), Teenage Angst (MST3K #507 I Accuse My Parents), and the occasional Ed Wood or Coleman Francis film (because they deserve their own category, don’t they? ... hmmmm???).  Personally, I love the horror and science fiction genres the best; HOWEVER, many laughs are to be had at the expense of these other films, along with the short subjects that sometimes accompany movies who’s running times needed padding.  If you are a child of the 1960’s, you may remember actually viewing some of those short subjects in school.  Personally, I remember seeing Keeping Neat and Clean (MST3K #613 The Sinister Urge) in one of our Health Classes, AND I am pretty sure I also was lucky (ahem) to see The Chicken of Tomorrow (MST3K #702 The Brute Man). I’m sure there were many others too.  It’s a shame today’s kids are not exposed to these cinematic morsels, but MY BOYS ARE…. hee hee hee.  And no, don’t call CPS, it is NOT an enforceable offense – I've checked.

We are fortunate today that Mystery Science Theater lives on through tapes, DVDs, and even is streamed through Netflix, Hulu, and shows can be found on YouTube.  Many of the show’s members branched out to do their own incarnations of MST3K in other ventures.  Joel Hodgson headed Cinematic Titanic which did live appearances and DVD releases.  They disbanded in 2013 as members (which included Frank Coniff and Trace Beaulieu) decided to do other projects.  Hodgson revived the old Comedy Central format of an MST3K Turkey Day celebration by running a humorous and heartfelt marathon on a YouTube channel on Thanksgiving Day 2013.  It was simply AMAZING!!!  The most successful spin-off has been the RiffTrax collaboration of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett.  The RT crew leaves NOTHING unscathed:  Shorts, serials, good movies, bad movies, blockbusters, or the blockbuster.  They utilize video-on-demand where customers have the option to download the movies to their own devices OR purchase DVD’s.  RiffTrax can also bypass excruciating “rights” purchases by just selling commentaries to movies most of can rent or readily acquire.  Do you know how much fun it has been to watch ALL the Star Wars movies completely riffed???  It is sheer joy, my friend…pure joy.

In conclusion, if you like to laugh and you don’t mind some of your precious little films getting stepped on, seek out Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic, and RiffTrax.  DO IT!!  Do it NOW…..DON’T LOSE ANOTHER DAY!!!

www.mst3kinfo.com

www.cinematictitanic.com

www.rifftrax.com

Cambot's Voice: MST-212--GODZILLA vs. MEGALON

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 12:  Godzilla vs. Megalon

Summertime….and the movie-watchin’ is easy.  It is EASY especially when the temps hover between 105 and 110.  I mean, who really wants to spend time in the outdoors when air-conditioning is much more pleasing to us poor humans.  Each summer, my boys celebrate Kaijune and Kaijuly.  During this time of year, they watch as many Japanese monster films (RUBBER SUITS A MUST) as they can.  So, what better time to peek in on one of MST3K treatments of said genre.  Though the title plasters Godzilla as the lead monster against villain, Megalon, he barely makes more than a cameo appearance.  Man-made robot, Jet Jaguar is the “hero” here, Megalon the monster….and another villain played by Gigan and the people of Seatopia.  Oh yeah, three annoying human leads in Goro, Roku, and Hiroshi (aka Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy) are also in this film, along with the Japanese Military, and Oscar Wilde.  Confused yet?  Don’t worry, you will be.

Without further delay, from 1973 (though not release in the States until 1976), GODZILLA VS. MEGALON:

Cast

Credited cast:
	Katsuhiko Sasaki	...	Inventor Goro Ibuki
	Hiroyuki Kawase	...	Rokuro 'Roku-chan' Ibuki
	Yutaka Hayashi	...	Hiroshi Jinkawa
	Robert Dunham	...	Emperor Antonio of Seatopia
	Kotaro Tomita	...	Lead Seatopian Agent
	Wolf Otsuki	...	Seatopian Agent
	Gentaro Nakajima	...	Truck Driver (as Gen Nakajima)
	Sakyo Mikami	...	Truck Driver's Assistant
	Fumiyo Ikeda	...	Man from Unit 1
	Kanta Mori	...	Japan Special Defense Forces Chief
	Shinji Takagi	...	Gojira
	Hideto Odachi	...	Megaro
	Tsugutoshi Komada	...	Jetto Jagâ
	Kenpachiro Satsuma	...	Gaigan (as Kengo Nakayama)
Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Rolf Jessup	...	Antonio's Aide (Radio Operator in White)

Courtesy of www.imdb.com

HOST SEGMENT

In the opening segment, J&TB talk about everything they have on the day’s show.  Robert Goulet, Moms Mabley, elephants, and silly putty are on the agenda.  Crow asks about “pain”.  Dr. Forester  has bandaged up Frank and laments “The Rosie Grier head is not taking”.  Joel begins his invention exchange with one of my favorite lines:  “If you’re like me and I know I am”.  He is making homemade Halloween costumes include:  The Floor of a movie theater, missing child milk carton “Have you seen me?” (Servo), aluminum foil-over-the-head Iron Man, and Jiffy Pop Popcorn.  Dr. F has his own costume idea as a Foosball Goalie.   Frank puts an air filter over his head and is Geordi Laforge from STAR TREK:  DS9.

MOVIE SIGN

The movie begins with a newsreel about a nuclear explosion in the Aleutians in 1971.  They then show the effects of explosion on Monster Island .  “Whenever they test nuclear explosions, it’s the monsters who suffer”.  (Crow)  Now, Godzilla is ticked off….explosions everywhere into the opening credits.  We quickly shift to a scene of a young boy on a ridiculous watercraft and his two male companions.  SUDDENLY, there’s an earthquake.  The boy, Roku, cannot get out of the water.  The water starts to bubble, things are desperate.  “Well this is what happens when you go into the water less than a half-hour after eating.” (Joel)  Because the male companions have a Bat-belt (I am only guessing here), they produce a rope to shoot out to the boy and reel him in like Today’s Catch.  “Let’s go on a picnic.  We have our food, drinks, and 50 ft. of uncoiled rope.”  (Crow)  “Note to myself:  Never vacation on an active volcano.” (Crow)  The waters continue to rumble and roar while the trio looks on.  They drive off and suddenly it is night (or just very blue…one cannot say).  They find their apartment has been broken into.  “OH MY GOD!!  THE HUMIDIFIER COMMITED SUICIDE!!!”  (Crow)  The perpetrators are still in the room and a brawl breaks out.  Everyone seems to be okay….but it is hard to tell with all the blue lighting.  Male #1 (Hiroshi) races off after the perps.  “Mach a go go! Mach a go go!  Mach a go go, GO!!!”  (J&TB)   Goro  (the inventor) checks damage in the apartment.  It seems the VERY LARGE robot in the middle of the floor is safely intact.  For some reason, the movie felt a screech-filled chase scene was integral to the movie’s progression.  Back at the apartment, the trio discovers some “magic rocks”.  We smoothly transition to Robot-building, the following day, and Roku riding a self-built motorbike thingy.  Goro and Hiroshi admire the robot.  “Hal is reading your lips!”  (Joel).  Discussions take place about the volcanic activity.

The movie switches between the bad guys and the male leads.  We find out here the robot has been christened, Jet Jaguar.  The bad guys have caught up to Roku.

HOST SEGMENT

Crow and Servo are looking at pictures they aren’t supposed to be looking at.  Joel walks up and they say they are working on their monster drawing.  Each bot tries to one-up the other’s descriptions.  “My monster is as silent as tomorrow.  He kills in the night.  He has been ... acquainted.”  (Crow)  Joel gets tired of listening to them and leaves.  The bots go back to their picture-looking and start to argue over their robot drawing stories.

MOVIE SIGN

The bad guys break in and call Seatopia.  The leader of Seatopia calls for war on the earth.  He calls on Megalon.  “Great he’s going to take over the world with interpretative dance”.  (Crow)  With much fanfare, Megalon appears.   “If Siegfried and Roy got a wake-up call, I think it would something like this.” (Joel)  “It’s Edward Scissorhands.” (Crow)  “What a hothead.” (Servo)  “He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.” (Servo)  Back to the trio:  We find Goro and Roku tied up in the back of a truck.  “I have to go to the bathroom”.  (Servo)  Hiroshi  is knocked out in his apartment and the bad guys are using his equipment to control Jet Jaguar.  Hiroshi wakes up to the bad guy (Oscar Wilde look-a-like) using his machinery.  “I am going to read parts of The Picture of Dorian Gray.  I want you to be honest about it.” (Crow)  The captives free of their bonds but are still in the truck…on their way to Seatopia.  After a lame fight, Hiroshi escapes to save his friends.  “Rex Dark, Eskimo Spy”  (Joel)  “Rex Dark pops the clutch and tells the thugs to eat his dust”  (Crow)  “Action sequences filmed in Confuse-o-Vision”  (Joel)  “Suddenly, we’re watching MANNIX”  (Crow)  Mercifully, Megalon flies up out of the ground.  “Alright, forget everything you’ve seen until now!”  (Crow)  Megalon follows Jet Jaguar, cities are evacuated, and there is a huge military response.  Goro and the boy are about to be dumped into a dam….but…wait……What is that noise?  IT’S MEGALON.  “Here’s a preview of my Broadway show”  (Crow)  Hiroshi arrives to save his friends.

HOST SEGMENT

This segment is a tribute to Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy.  A video with the montage is seen at the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRPWHrufy4o

MOVIE SIGN

Hiroshi saves his friends from certain doom.   Megalon commences to destroy the dam.  “Pretty impressive, huh?  Well that was just the beginning.”  (Crow)  Jet Jaguar circles the area and Goro tries to control him with a medallion around his neck but that only works when he has a clear line of sight.  Aforementioned military starts shooting at Megalon.  “Someone better tell Raymond Burr, he’s late.”  (Servo)  Goro consults with the military to try and regain control of Jet Jaguar.  Goro succeeds and is sent to fetch Godzilla.  Seatopia is not pleased.  The military battle against Megalon continues.

“Meanwhile in fashionable Palm Springs”  (Servo).  Hiroshi and Goro steal a remote control airplane.  Jet Jaguar finds and summons Godzilla (in flagless semaphore).  “What’s that?  Dad’s trapped…..in  a coal mine?  In Deadrock Canyon?”  (Servo)  Jet Jaguar flies off and Godzilla tries to fly.  “I can fly!!  I can fly!!  I can’t fly!!!!  I can swim.”  (Crow)  And with that, Godzilla is on his way.  More model-crushing by Megalon continues.

Hiroshi and Roku return to the apartment and beat up the bad guy.  “THAT’s for Lady Windermere’s Fan!!  That’s for The Picture of Dorian Gray!!”  (Servo)    Seatopia calls for Gigan.  Jet Jaguar has achieved free will and does not respond to commands.   Jet Jaguar GROWS to fight Megalon.  “Just call me the Orkin Man.”  (Crow)  “HIKEEBA!”  (Servo)  “He’s got a foreign object!”  (Crow)  “He IS a foreign object.”  (Servo)  Godzilla has …..ALMOST….arrived.   Suddenly, Gigan arrives and is fighting Jet Jaguar as well.  *Enough beating on the breasts, let’s get to it!!”  (Crow)  Crow wants arms like Gigan or Megalon.  “You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!”  (Crow)  Jet Jaguar gets a beat down by the other two  monsters.

HOST SEGMENT

Crow and Servo are Orville Redenbacher and his grandson.  The younger Redenbacher laments that their lame attire is why he cannot find chicks to breed with him.  The elder says it is his empire and he decides the hairstyles.  The banter ends in screaming, crying, and the loss of an inheritance.  You know, regular family stuff.

MOVIE SIGN

GODZILLA FINALLY ARRIVES!!!  “Well, it’s about time, Mr. Mark Spitz.  Have a nice swim?” (Crow)  “I have come to chew sushi and kick butt, and I’m ALL out of sushi!”  (Crow)   “Listen, you don’t want to die, and I don’t want to have to kill you.”  (Joel)  “Take your time, thanks Godzilla”.  (Joel)  “This kind of reminds me when we beat up Rodan.  You know, the good old days.”  (Crow)  “Hey!  You smell something?  It smells like LIZARD!!”  (Servo)  “I like you.  I think I’ll kill you FIRST.”  (Crow)  The battle is on:  Megalon and Gigan vs. Godzilla and Jet Jaguar.  J&TB do a play-by-lay of the battle.  “Hurts, don’t it?”  (Joel)  “Even if Godzilla loses, he’s aces in my book.”  (Crow)  Godzilla and Jet Jaguar are surrounded  by a ring of fire, but eventually  fly out and dispense their final destruction.  “Monster’s are flame-broiled not fried, folks.”  (Joel)  For some reason, Godzilla drops on his tail and races to the final punch to Megalon.  “No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed in the making of this film”.  (Servo)  Jet Jaguar and Godzilla shake hands.   Godzilla exits.  Goro, Hiroshi, and Roku meet up with Jet Jaguar and the movie closes with the Jet Jaguar song.  “I never liked you kid”  (Crow) 

HOST SEGMENT

Joel gives the robots their new arms.  The Bots are not pleased, except Servo does like his flamethrower arm.  Joel wants to segue into THEIR version of the Jet Jaguar Song.  “You do it, I’m bitter.”  (Crow)  Servo introduces it.

Jet Jaguar Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cxV8Bf8ND4

Back in Deep 13, Dr. F and TV’s Frank are playing a game of Super Mario.

I hope you enjoyed this little rubber-suited entry into the Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Kaiju library.  Copies of the skewered Godzilla movies are hard to find as Toho made sure they didn’t see the light of day for very long.  Thankfully, you can find it on YouTube, so enjoy!!!!

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 3:  I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF

I mentioned in Experiment 1 that I was a Mom of two teenagers. Some of the best, MSTied movies feature the teenager and B-movie genres.  It just so happens that this month’s feature, MST3K #809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf fits both bills perfectly. Of course, they are SUPPOSE to be teenagers in this film, but Hollywood has an affinity for older actors playing high-schoolers; ONE of which is playing our monster. We have it all in this movie.  There is milk-throwing, raw meat-eating, a Halloween party, bad singing, a mad scientist, and yes…a werewolf. The fact that THIS particular lycanthrope is portrayed by none other than TV icon, Michael Landon makes this movie interesting for riffing on so many fronts.  There are Bonanza jokes, Little House on the Prairie jokes, and Highway to Heaven jokes.  There is even one riff dedicated to a 1976 autobiographical movie Landon wrote and directed called The Loneliest Runner.

I have to say that since re-watching this movie, the host segments are some of the best of the series.  With a runtime of only 76 minutes, the host segments are a bit more detailed and really show the comedic timing and writing talents of the gang.  So enjoy, as we take you through the exploits of 1957’s I Was a Teenage Werewolf.

Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
	Michael Landon	...	Tony Rivers
	Yvonne Fedderson	...	Arlene Logan (as Yvonne Lime)
	Whit Bissell	...	Dr. Alfred Brandon
	Tony Marshall	...	Jimmy
	Dawn Richard	...	Theresa
	Barney Phillips	...	Detective Donovan
	Ken Miller	...	Vic
	Cynthia Chenault	...	Pearl (as Cindy Robbins)
	Michael Rougas	...	Frank
	Robert Griffin	...	Police Chief P.F. Baker
	Joseph Mell	...	Dr. Hugo Wagner
	Malcolm Atterbury	...	Charles Rivers
	Eddie Marr	...	Doyle
	Vladimir Sokoloff	...	Pepe the Janitor
	Louise Lewis	...	Principal Ferguson

HOST SEGMENT 1:

The Bots want to overthrow Mike as Captain of the ship – they soon learn none of them are capable of replacing him.  Crow and Tom nominate Gypsy, but she has to run the ship.  Crow has a set of creepy crawlers in the thing-maker…and well, Servo…is Servo.  He has prepared a “statement” on WHY he cannot be Captain.  This is one of my favorites, so read on, won’t we?

“..I cannot be Captain, for you see dear friends, I am unfit to lead other men into battle, into space, or in a line dance.  I submit that if I picked my nose for a half an hour, my head would cave in.  I’m nary to know betwixt shinola and that other stuff.  I cannot lead because I cannot find my ass with both hands and a flashlight…I will now open the floor to questions about my accomplishments.”

Since Servo’s concession speech is over, Mike regains his position as Captain.  Servo mocks him as only a conceding Bot can.  Pearl, Brain Guy, and Professor Bobo are on Earth (somewhere).  They are camped out and Pearl has told Mike she is putting the crew on battery back-up, disconnecting them from their main power source.  This upsets Mike greatly… “We’ll be without power???”  And then, what follows, is the BEST Pearl Forrester line ever:

“… You know what else?  You’ll be without diapers too, you big, huge, giant babies!! DEAL WITH IT!!”

Pearl packs up all the gear, and sends the guys a movie.  Soon, there’s a hull breach and Servo comes back with a face hugger.

MOVIE SIGN!

During this film, there are many parodies of the Bonanza theme song.  The movie opens with our lycanthropic protagonist, Tony, in a school yard fight.  Soon we see Detective Donovan (Barney Phillips).  You may remember him from the EXCELLENT Twilight Zone episode, Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?  He does what he can to calm Tony down, but he doesn’t want to have any of it.  You will notice a high number of Richard Jewell jokes during this segment.  Google him if you don’t remember what happened at the ’96 Olympics.  Anywho, Donovan wants Tony to see a “doctor/shrink/mad scientist”.  Tony disagrees and walks off with his girl.  The next scene takes us home and his Dad.  Tony protests too much when Dad tries to talk about his stubbornness.  His Dad leaves for work, chiding him to NOT eat his lamb chops raw like he did his burgers.  Tony has had enough of everyone yapping at him all day and we see the whole premise of his demise see ….MILK HURDLING!! (all the guys make kitty meow sounds here) The scene switches to Arlene’s house, where “Jabba the Husband” and the woman with “Aaron Burr’s Hairstyle” live.  They give the 50’s “talking” to the Tony the boyfriend.  Girlfriend starts harping about the doctor again. 

Now it is PARTY TIME…with vague “Kinda White” music, innocuous pranks, great lines, and the running joke with safety dummy, Resusi-Anne.  “Ah...kids those days!”  (Crow)

HOST SEGMENT 2

Crow has a Proximity Detector to see how bad the alien life forms are on the ship.  They are all OVER, problem is…..he had the wrong setting activated on the detector and was measuring the humidity.  They have LOTS of humidity, by the way.

MOVIE SIGN

Back to the party… “Elvis J. Pollard” is singing.  “We are now entering a genital-free zone.” (Servo) The song is one of the worst ever, almost as bad as when Michael Landon was on the TV show Hullaballoo (Google that if it is around…YIKES).  After the song is over, the DUMB pranks start.  Mike:  “The Carnival of Souls boyfriend.”  One of the guys blows a horn in Tony’s ear … and suddenly it’s “The Sock Hop of the Damned” (Mike).  Tony slugs one of his friends and pushes down his girlfriend.  Servo laments, “I thought it was alright if I picked a little fight, Bonanza?”

That little episode at the party lands our little werewolf-to-be in the office of veteran B-movie actor, Whit Bissell (who was actually in some really good films too).  Bissell’s character, Dr. Brandon also has a sidebar conscience (his assistant played by Joseph Mell).  Dr. Brandon hypnotizes him, and he closes the session saying, “Soon…you’ll be yourself.”  “An angel, a cowboy, a pioneer dad.” (Mike)

The kids have another gathering…but Tony is bumming.  Frank (another kid) isn’t pairing up with anyone and will walk home alone. 

Cut to Frank walking home ALONE. ”Ray Fiennes IS Li’l Abner!”  (Crow)  “I was a teenage werewolf snack.” (Servo)  We know Frank is TOAST he just runs and falls and falls and runs…and well…this IS a predictable set-up in a B-movie.

HOST SEGMENT 3

Servo hunts down face hugger and kills him. Did I mention he was heavily armed? He is going after the “beast” that has the ship surrounded.  Crow and Mike are taking bets on how long it takes Servo to cry.  And he does cry..singing…”Don’t Cry Out Loud”, “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, and “(They’re Coming to) America”.

MOVIE SIGN

The movie returns and we find ourselves at the police station, with Detective Donovan.  Another policeman walks in.  This guy….NAMED GUY Williams did not get a first billing, but he became known later playing TV’s Zorro and Dr. John Robinson of Lost in Space.  Also, there is an introduction to Pepe,the janitor, at the police station who wanted to look at the pictures.  Pepe knows right away, the death is caused by a werewolf.  “You’re crazier than Dr. Smith!” (Servo)

Tony goes back for another session at Dr. Brandon’s.  Tony is scared.  “I found a leather jacket in my stool this morning!” (Servo)  Brandon keeps battling with his assistant.  Tony remains tense.

High school, high school and we have to see a girl in yucky gym leotards.  Tony talks to the principal and he gets kudos from her.  He leaves and starts watching the gymnast. “It’s alright if I kill a couple of kids, Bonanza!” (Crow)  He leaves the office and bells ring “Oops, he’s Johnny Depping.” (Mike) He attacks her in front of many people then, the poor girl dies.  “This is good, she caught him in the act and she can rub his nose in it.” (Servo)  When the cops arrive, all the kids finger Tony, but they can’t believe it.  Even Dr. Brandon denies Tony could BE a werewolf.  Everyone gets a going over, the Dad, the girlfriend, and Tony is still howling up and down the woods.  “Just give him a Liv-a-snap.” (Servo) 

HOST SEGMENT 4

The beast is laying GIANT alien eggs. The guys start making omelettes and …well, Crow starts designing the menu.  “She’s not around, which means she could be anywhere!”  (Servo) Suddenly Crow becomes a restaurant critic.

MOVIE SIGN!

A search commences for Tony.  I’ll just list a series of riffs during this segment because there is no real action to describe except for guys peering through things.  “Try banging on his food dish, men.” (Mike)  “The Bernard Hermann score really heightens the tension”.  (Servo)  “Looks like Paddington on a bender”  (Mike)  “This werewolf is a herbivore.  Luckily, this guy’s name is Herb.”  (Crow)  “Indiana Jones and his sidekick, Merle.”  (Crow)  “Never let Jose Feliciano lead your search party.” (Mike)  “Sir, I think I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand.” (Mike)  “1943- an Ewok makes it behind German lines” (Servo)

Finally Tony changes back to Tony.  He calls Arlene but cannot speak to her.  The police want to know who called her; she couldn’t tell.  “…I’ll check in with Huggy Bear.” (Servo) Tony then returns to Dr. Brandon, who decides to put him under one more time.  “Dogs can sense bad acting.” (Servo)  Tony changes back into a wolf; this isn’t good for Whit Bissell.  The cops FINALLY come in and look at the debris field.  “Wow, a werewolf that size can really poop!”  (Servo)  They shoot to kill, guessing somewhere along the line the silver bullet necessity has been covered.  Tony is dead.  Whit Bissell is dead.  All that is left is for the police to cry over spilled werewolf.

The guys exit the theater and they soon see the alien has taken over the ship.  They have to reverse the ship polarities to remove it.  This didn’t work, so they have to do the one thing they were saving that would repulse the alien so much, it would have to leave.  Mike became Adam Duritz of Counting Crows.  It worked.  Once they regained control of the ship, we see Pearl telling ghost stories around the campfire to Bobo and Brain Guy.  She has them crying like little girls.

This movie is a howling good time.  Seriously, it has EVERYTHING.  I have seen it unriffed and riffed many, many times and every time I laugh my butt off.  If you get the chance to see it, don’t miss it. 

These following websites are invaluable for information.  Check them out, won’t we?

www.mst3kinfo.com

www.imdb.com

www.rifftrax.com

www.cinematictitanic.com

http://mst3k.wikia.com/wiki/Mystery_Science_Theater_3000_Wiki

http://mightyjackmst.com/