Cambot’s Voice by
S. J. Martiene
EXPERIMENT 3: I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF
I
mentioned in Experiment 1 that I was
a Mom of two teenagers. Some of the best, MSTied movies feature the teenager
and B-movie genres. It just so happens
that this month’s feature, MST3K #809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf fits both
bills perfectly. Of course, they are SUPPOSE to be teenagers in this film, but
Hollywood has an affinity for older actors playing high-schoolers; ONE of which
is playing our monster. We have it all in this movie. There is milk-throwing, raw meat-eating, a
Halloween party, bad singing, a mad scientist, and yes…a werewolf. The fact
that THIS particular lycanthrope is portrayed by none other than TV icon,
Michael Landon makes this movie interesting for riffing on so many fronts. There are Bonanza
jokes, Little House on the Prairie
jokes, and Highway to Heaven
jokes. There is even one riff dedicated
to a 1976 autobiographical movie Landon wrote and directed called The Loneliest Runner.
I have
to say that since re-watching this movie, the host segments are some of the
best of the series. With a runtime of
only 76 minutes, the host segments are a bit more detailed and really show the
comedic timing and writing talents of the gang.
So enjoy, as we take you through the exploits of 1957’s I Was a Teenage Werewolf.
Cast
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Detective Donovan
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HOST SEGMENT 1:
The
Bots want to overthrow Mike as Captain of the ship – they soon learn none of
them are capable of replacing him. Crow
and Tom nominate Gypsy, but she has to run the ship. Crow has a set of creepy crawlers in the
thing-maker…and well, Servo…is Servo. He
has prepared a “statement” on WHY he cannot be Captain. This is one of my favorites, so read on,
won’t we?
“..I cannot be Captain, for you see dear friends, I am unfit to lead other men into battle, into space, or in a line dance. I submit that if I picked my nose for a half an hour, my head would cave in. I’m nary to know betwixt shinola and that other stuff. I cannot lead because I cannot find my ass with both hands and a flashlight…I will now open the floor to questions about my accomplishments.”
Since
Servo’s concession speech is over, Mike regains his position as Captain. Servo mocks him as only a conceding Bot
can. Pearl, Brain Guy, and Professor
Bobo are on Earth (somewhere). They are
camped out and Pearl has told Mike she is putting the crew on battery back-up,
disconnecting them from their main power source. This upsets Mike greatly… “We’ll be without
power???” And then, what follows, is the
BEST Pearl Forrester line ever:
“… You know what else? You’ll be without diapers too, you big, huge,
giant babies!! DEAL WITH IT!!”
Pearl
packs up all the gear, and sends the guys a movie. Soon, there’s a hull breach and Servo comes
back with a face hugger.
MOVIE SIGN!
During
this film, there are many parodies of the Bonanza
theme song. The movie opens with our
lycanthropic protagonist, Tony, in a school yard fight. Soon we see Detective Donovan (Barney
Phillips). You may remember him from the
EXCELLENT Twilight Zone episode, Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? He does what he can to calm Tony down, but he
doesn’t want to have any of it. You will
notice a high number of Richard Jewell jokes during this segment. Google him if you don’t remember what
happened at the ’96 Olympics. Anywho,
Donovan wants Tony to see a “doctor/shrink/mad scientist”. Tony disagrees and walks off with his
girl. The next scene takes us home and
his Dad. Tony protests too much when Dad
tries to talk about his stubbornness.
His Dad leaves for work, chiding him to NOT eat his lamb chops raw like
he did his burgers. Tony has had enough
of everyone yapping at him all day and we see the whole premise of his demise
see ….MILK HURDLING!! (all the guys make kitty meow sounds here) The scene
switches to Arlene’s house, where “Jabba the Husband” and the woman with “Aaron
Burr’s Hairstyle” live. They give the
50’s “talking” to the Tony the boyfriend.
Girlfriend starts harping about the doctor again.
Now it
is PARTY TIME…with vague “Kinda White” music, innocuous pranks, great lines,
and the running joke with safety dummy, Resusi-Anne. “Ah...kids those days!” (Crow)
HOST SEGMENT 2
Crow
has a Proximity Detector to see how bad the alien life forms are on the
ship. They are all OVER, problem is…..he
had the wrong setting activated on the detector and was measuring the
humidity. They have LOTS of humidity, by
the way.
MOVIE SIGN
Back to
the party… “Elvis J. Pollard” is singing.
“We are now entering a
genital-free zone.” (Servo) The song is one of the worst ever, almost as
bad as when Michael Landon was on the TV show Hullaballoo (Google that if it is
around…YIKES). After the song is over,
the DUMB pranks start. Mike: “The
Carnival of Souls boyfriend.” One of
the guys blows a horn in Tony’s ear … and suddenly it’s “The Sock Hop of the Damned” (Mike). Tony slugs one of his friends and pushes down
his girlfriend. Servo laments, “I thought it was alright if I picked a
little fight, Bonanza?”
That
little episode at the party lands our little werewolf-to-be in the office of
veteran B-movie actor, Whit Bissell (who was actually in some really good films
too). Bissell’s character, Dr. Brandon
also has a sidebar conscience (his assistant played by Joseph Mell). Dr. Brandon hypnotizes him, and he closes the
session saying, “Soon…you’ll be yourself.”
“An angel, a cowboy, a pioneer dad.” (Mike)
The
kids have another gathering…but Tony is bumming. Frank (another kid) isn’t pairing up with
anyone and will walk home alone.
Cut to
Frank walking home ALONE. ”Ray Fiennes IS Li’l Abner!” (Crow)
“I was a teenage werewolf snack.” (Servo) We know Frank is
TOAST he just runs and falls and falls and runs…and well…this IS a predictable
set-up in a B-movie.
HOST SEGMENT 3
Servo
hunts down face hugger and kills him. Did I mention he was heavily armed? He is
going after the “beast” that has the ship surrounded. Crow and Mike are taking bets on how long it
takes Servo to cry. And he does
cry..singing…”Don’t Cry Out Loud”, “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, and “(They’re
Coming to) America”.
MOVIE SIGN
The
movie returns and we find ourselves at the police station, with Detective
Donovan. Another policeman walks
in. This guy….NAMED GUY Williams did not
get a first billing, but he became known later playing TV’s Zorro and Dr. John Robinson of Lost in Space. Also, there is an introduction to Pepe,the
janitor, at the police station who wanted to look at the pictures. Pepe knows right away, the death is caused by
a werewolf. “You’re crazier than Dr.
Smith!” (Servo)
Tony
goes back for another session at Dr. Brandon’s.
Tony is scared. “I
found a leather jacket in my stool this morning!” (Servo) Brandon keeps battling with his
assistant. Tony remains tense.
High
school, high school and we have to see a girl in yucky gym leotards. Tony talks to the principal and he gets kudos
from her. He leaves and starts watching
the gymnast. “It’s alright if I kill a couple of kids, Bonanza!” (Crow) He leaves the office and bells ring “Oops,
he’s Johnny Depping.” (Mike) He attacks her in front of many people
then, the poor girl dies. “This
is good, she caught him in the act and she can rub his nose in it.”
(Servo) When the cops arrive, all the
kids finger Tony, but they can’t believe it.
Even Dr. Brandon denies Tony could BE a werewolf. Everyone gets a going over, the Dad, the
girlfriend, and Tony is still howling up and down the woods. “Just give him a Liv-a-snap.”
(Servo)
HOST SEGMENT 4
The
beast is laying GIANT alien eggs. The guys start making omelettes and …well,
Crow starts designing the menu. “She’s
not around, which means she could be anywhere!” (Servo) Suddenly Crow becomes a restaurant
critic.
MOVIE SIGN!
A
search commences for Tony. I’ll just
list a series of riffs during this segment because there is no real action to
describe except for guys peering through things. “Try banging on his food dish, men.”
(Mike) “The Bernard Hermann score really
heightens the tension”. (Servo) “Looks like Paddington on a bender” (Mike)
“This werewolf is a herbivore.
Luckily, this guy’s name is Herb.” (Crow)
“Indiana Jones and his sidekick, Merle.” (Crow)
“Never let Jose Feliciano lead your search party.” (Mike) “Sir, I think I saw a werewolf with a
Chinese menu in his hand.” (Mike)
“1943- an Ewok makes it behind German lines” (Servo)
Finally
Tony changes back to Tony. He calls
Arlene but cannot speak to her. The
police want to know who called her; she couldn’t tell. “…I’ll check in with Huggy Bear.”
(Servo) Tony then returns to Dr. Brandon, who decides to put him under one more
time. “Dogs can sense bad acting.”
(Servo) Tony changes back into a wolf;
this isn’t good for Whit Bissell. The
cops FINALLY come in and look at the debris field. “Wow, a werewolf that size can really poop!” (Servo)
They shoot to kill, guessing somewhere along the line the silver bullet
necessity has been covered. Tony is
dead. Whit Bissell is dead. All that is left is for the police to cry
over spilled werewolf.
The
guys exit the theater and they soon see the alien has taken over the ship. They have to reverse the ship polarities to
remove it. This didn’t work, so they
have to do the one thing they were saving that would repulse the alien so much,
it would have to leave. Mike became Adam
Duritz of Counting Crows. It
worked. Once they regained control of
the ship, we see Pearl telling ghost stories around the campfire to Bobo and
Brain Guy. She has them crying like
little girls.
This
movie is a howling good time. Seriously,
it has EVERYTHING. I have seen it
unriffed and riffed many, many times and every time I laugh my butt off. If you get the chance to see it, don’t miss
it.
These following websites are invaluable for
information. Check them out, won’t we?
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