Top Ten Treks

Regular readers of this page are familiar with how my love of Horror films began with William Castle’s 13 Ghosts, watching it with my older sister at the age of five or six.  They know that I stood on line to see the most frightening film I had ever seen, Jaws, in my eleventh summer.  I saw Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope, when it was simply a little Sci-Fi adventure called Star Wars.  I collected comic books and monster mags.  I built model kits.  In short, I was Geek when Geekdom wasn’t cool. 

But my first love, the franchise that made me a nerd long before it was recognized as a franchise, was Star Trek.  My love of the series began when I saw my first episode, the original series episode Miri, when it had its initial broadcast on the 27^th of October, 1966.  I was three month shy of being three years old, but I can clearly remember being mesmerized by the show, by the children that figured prominently in that episode, by the bold colors of the uniforms, and by the starship Enterprise herself, though it would be some time before I understood that the Enterprise was a primary reason for my love of Star Trek.  Even at that early age, I was deeply into astronauts and all things Space-related—not unusual for children of the ‘60s.  It was an easy transition from Mercury and Gemini to Starfleet.

I’m also inordinately fond of lists.  Since childhood, I’ve had a need to sort, categorize, alphabetize, and itemize all sorts of information.  From my favorite Werewolf movies to my top ten songs of 1976 (sorry, but Muskrat Love didn’t make the cut), I made a list to memorialize it.  It should come as no surprise, then, that I had lists that ranked my favorite Star Trek episodes, lists that changed as my tastes grew and matured.  By the 1990s, those lists had expanded to include several movies, as well as new Star Trek series.  To be sure not all of these were good, but all were Trek, and were to varying degrees entertaining.  Recently, we were introduced to the Kelvin timeline, which launched a new Kirk and Spock on an ongoing mission to where no one needed to go, and the streaming service Paramount+ has been churning out new Star Trek programming with the regularity of tribbles on Viagra.  The result has been nearly 900 hours of Trek, from the superb to the nonsensical.

The following is the Unimonster’s Top Ten Treks, across all series and movies, from The Cage to Hegemony, 1965 to 2023.  Like all such lists, it is highly subjective, based on my personal opinion, and is unlikely to match anyone else’s perfectly.  Still, I think most of my entries would appear on the lists of most serious Trekkers (yes, I prefer the old-school distinction between Trekkies and Trekkers), and are some of the best examples of the universe that Gene Roddenberry created nearly sixty years ago, examples of why this little Sci-Fi show, this “‘Wagon Train’ to the Stars”, has become such a phenomenon.

Without further ado, let’s countdown my Top Ten Treks.

10) “The Last Generation,” Star Trek: Picard, Season 3, Episode 10—I must admit, I have not been a fan of Paramount’s efforts to continue the Star Trek mythos.  I find their series to be too dark, too woke, and too far removed from Roddenberry’s vision of what Star Trek should be.  Stylistically, they’re poorly designed and executed, and technically, the storylines are weak and uninteresting.  I find Discovery to be Star Trek’s worst series, easily surpassing the previous bottom-dweller, Voyager.  And Picard isn’t much better.  The entire series plods along, with little rhyme or reason, until this, the series’ final episode.  With the Borg having assimilated all of Starfleet, it falls upon Admiral Picard and the crew of the Enterprise-D to come to Earth’s rescue once again, aboard the rebuilt and curated NCC-1701-D, liberated from the Starfleet Museum.  This was the ending that Star Trek: The Next Generation deserved thirty years ago, and all I can say is better late than never.  This episode reminded me that, when it was good, TNG was very good, and when it was at its best, it was among the best of Star Trek.  This episode was, for me at least, among the best of Star Trek.

9) “The Ultimate Computer,” Star Trek: The Original Series, Season 2, Episode 24—I always loved the episodes that served to expand upon the fact that the crew of the Enterprise, or Deep Space Nine, or Voyager, did not exist in a vacuum; they were part of a much larger organization, a Starfleet, tasked with both the exploration of Space, and the defense of the United Federation of Planets.  I loved to see our crew interact with the rest of the Fleet, whether casually or in times of crisis.  To see not one, but four Constitution-class starships sharing the screen with the Enterprise was guaranteed to make me happy from the first time I saw it.  As I grew older, however, it was the implication in the aftermath of the episode’s events that fueled my imagination.  How had Starfleet explained the loss of one starship, damage to three others, and the deaths of nearly five hundred officers and men?  Had they told the truth?  Had they covered it up?  It’s the unanswered questions that guaranteed this episode a place on this list.

8) “Relics,” Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 6, Episode 4—I’m a sucker for nostalgia, even if it’s just blatant fan service.  When Godzilla looked with disdain at his Americanized ‘cousin’ Zilla, in 2004’s Godzilla: Final Wars, we who were long time fans knew exactly what was going to happen—Zilla was in for an epic asskicking.  When Thor’s hammer flew into Cap’s raised fist, even Marvel Comics’ biggest detractor—your very own Unimonster—had to fight the urge to stand up and cheer in the theater.  And when Captain Montgomery Scott, Starfleet, Retired, recently rescued from the transporter pattern buffer of the USS Jenolen after seventy-five years, asks the Enterprise holodeck to recreate the bridge of NCC-1701, “—no bloody -A, -B, -C, or -D,” well, it nearly brought tears to my eyes.

7) Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan

, 1982—On the whole, the big screen hasn’t been generous to the Star Trek Universe.  Fans are well aware of the ‘Odd Movie Curse’, how those films in the series that are odd-numbered have been, to put it kindly, underwhelming.  However, even those films that are generally regarded as good have left many fans dissatisfied, plagued with continuity errors, non-canonical references, and storylines that were forgotten as soon as the end credits rolled.  The Wrath of Khan managed to avoid most (though not all) of these pitfalls, and gave fans a good script, great action, and an emotionally compelling finale.  That it is the best Star Trek film earns it a place on this list.  That it’s not better than it is keeps it from ranking higher.

6) “The Expanse,” Star Trek: Enterprise, Season 2, Episode 26—Since The Next Generation, there’s been something of a tradition that Star Trek series need a season or two (or three) to grow into their potential, to really hit their stride.  With TNG, it happened with The Best of Both Worlds, parts 1 & 2.  With Deep Space Nine, it was the second season episode The Wire.  With Voyager—well, when it happens I’ll let you know.  With Star Trek: Enterprise, though it got off to a faster start than the previous franchise entries, at least in my opinion, it still took some time to get up to speed.  By the end of the second season, however, the show was beginning to jell.  The cast was becoming comfortable with their characters, the storylines were improved over the first season, and the series was finding its place in the Star Trek Universe.  With The Expanse, Enterprise finally had an enemy worthy of the name, in the form of the Xindi, and a continuing plot that would last throughout the third season.

5) “Little Green Men,” Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Season 4, Episode 8—One of Star Trek’s strengths was its ability to examine the human condition from the outside, by the use of an alien, non-human member of the crew.  Spock was the outsider in The Original Series, as Data was in The Next Generation.  For Deep Space Nine, that role was filled by Quark, the Ferengi owner of a bar on the station’s Promenade, his brother Rom, and nephew Nog.  In this episode, our intrepid band of Ferengi wind up back in time, becoming the aliens who crash-landed at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.  This episode shows off the lighter side of Star Trek, something that has always been a part of the various series and movies, and it’s done very well here.  Episodes such as this show that, even in a series that was the darkest of Star Trek, at least until the Paramount+ era, moments of levity could be very refreshing.

4) “Yesterday’s Enterprise,” Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 3, Episode 15—As anyone familiar with the Department of Temporal Investigations can attest, messing with the timeline can have serious consequences, perhaps none worse than when the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C was pulled into a temporal rift, just as it was fighting to defend the Klingon colony of Narendra III, under attack from four Romulan warbirds.  When it arrived in the time of the Enterprise-D twenty-two years later, heavily damaged with most of her crew dead or wounded, the timeline had changed.  The Enterprise-D is a ship at war, a decades-long war with the Klingon Empire—a war the Federation is losing.  Guinan believes that the Enterprise-C is the cause of the war, or rather her disappearance from 2344 caused the war.  To restore the timeline, Enterprise-C must return to her hopeless battle with the Romulans, in the hope that her certain destruction in aid of a Klingon outpost will foster respect and trust in the Klingons, leading to a peace that will negate twenty years of history.  In my opinion, this episode marked the first time that TNG became more than just a sequel to The Original Series, and revealed the greatness it could achieve when it tried.

3) “Favor the Bold / Sacrifice of Angels,” Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Season 6, Episode 5-6—Okay, maybe I’m cheating a bit by picking two episodes with one choice, but it is a two-parter, and it’s impossible to enjoy one without the other—at least, in this Unimonster’s opinion.  The Dominion War was the defining arc of DS9’s final three seasons, and was the first time we truly saw full-scale warfare in the Star Trek Universe.  Not ship vs. ship, not small-scale engagements, but massive fleets meeting each other in pitched battles.  We only saw the aftermath of the Battle at Wolf 359, and while the Battle of Sector 001 certainly qualifies as a major engagement, it, like Wolf 359, was against a single Borg cube.  Never before, or since, has Star Trek taken us closer to the Federation’s destruction.  That’s what made DS9 so special, and why I believe it to be the best Star Trek series of them all.

2) “Balance of Terror,” Star Trek: The Original Series, Season 1, Episode 15—As one might quite easily surmise from the previous entries to this list, I love action, and this allegory on Cold War brinksmanship definitely qualifies on that score.  It was based on Dick Powell’s popular 1957 movie The Enemy Below, which featured Robert Mitchum and Curd Jürgens as the commander of a US Navy Destroyer Escort and his counterpart, the commander of the Nazi U-Boat he’s hunting.  The episode serves to introduce the Romulans to the Star Trek universe, with the cloaked Romulan Bird-of-Prey serving as an analog for the German Submarine, and Mark Lenard, who would soon be brought back for the far more enduring role of Sarek, Spock’s father, as the Romulan commander.  Like Jürgens’ Kapitän zur See von Stolberg, he is a man who differs with his government’s policies and plans for conquest, and like von Stolberg, he is too dedicated and professional to let his personal feelings interfere with the performance of his duties.  The result is one of the most memorable episodes of Star Trek, and my favorite Original Series episode.

1) “In the Pale Moonlight,” Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Season 6, Episode 19—Star Trek has frequently been criticized for many reasons, some valid, many not so much.  However, when Star Trek’s best writers put their minds to the task, they could create greatness, with stories that helped to define the series for the fans, and explored the meaning of humanity in the future.  Episodes such as TOS’ City on the Edge of Forever, TNG’s The Measure of a Man, Family, and The Inner Light, and DS9’s Far Beyond the Stars had already established the benchmark for quality in Star Trek, though in my opinion none could compare to this, the finest forty-odd minutes of Trek that I have yet to see.  Exploring themes of just how far one should be willing to go to win a war that must be won, and whether one’s personal sense of honor is a worthwhile sacrifice to that cause, the episode focuses on Sisko’s efforts to bring the Romulans into the war on the side of the Federation and its Klingon allies.  He turns to Garak, a former operative in the Obsidian Order, the Cardassian Intelligence service, to help him accomplish that task.  Garak’s knowledge of covert operations, as well as the inner workings of the Cardassian government, would prove invaluable to Sisko’s mission.  However, he soon realizes that the price of success might be a personal one.  The story is told to the viewer in the form of flashbacks, as Sisko speaks directly to us, breaking the fourth wall as he records a private log entry.  Though the plot is fascinating, it’s the performances of Avery Brooks and Andrew Robinson that really sell this episode.  In all of Star Trek, I find it to be incomparable.  I find it to be the best of Star Trek.

So here it is.  A lifetime love of Star Trek condensed to its ten best examples—at least, in my opinion.  Yours may differ, and that’s fine—but unless you’ve been watching it longer than fifty-seven years, don’t tell me I’m wrong.  Oh, and … Live long and prosper.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, or how a Little Plant named Audrey II took over the World!

THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960) began when director Roger Corman was given temporary access to a set left standing from shooting A BUCKET OF BLOOD the year before.  Re-fitting the sets, Roger Corman shot the principle photography of LITTLE SHOP in two days and one night from a script penned by Charles B. Griffith who had also written A BUCKET OF BLOOD.  Originally planned as a spy thriller by Corman, Griffith wanted to do another horror comedy.  It was only after a night of heavy drinking that Griffith persuaded Corman to shoot Griffith’s screenplay about a man-eating plant titled The Passionate People Eater.  The film was cast primarily from Corman’s stable of stock players.  Dick Miller, who had played the protagonist in A BUCKET OF BLOOD was offered the lead role of Seymour Krelboyne but turned it down, opting for the smaller role of the flower-eating customer Burson Fouch, so Jonathan Haze was hired to play Seymour.  Charles B. Griffith played several smaller roles, with his father appearing as a dental patient and his grandmother as Seymour’s hypochondriac mother.

Seymour Krelboyne is a nebbish who works at a skid-row florist shop run by boss Gravis Mushnick (Mel Welles).  Seymour has a crush on co-worker Audrey Fulquard (Jackie Joseph), a sweet but naive girl with no idea of Seymour’s affections.  One day, after flubbing a flower order, Mushnick fires Seymour but Seymour persuades Mushnick to give him another chance by showing him a strange and unusual plant that Seymour has named the Audrey 2, much to the original Audrey’s delight.  Audrey explains to Mushnick that placing such an unusual plant in the run-down shop’s window might draw more ... or even some ... customers into the shop, Seymour is given the task of improving the drooping plant’s health.  Later that night, Seymour finds out the plant need human blood to sustain itself and, fearing the loss of his job and the added loss of Audrey, he feeds it drops of his own blood.  The plant thrives on this diet, which of course creates a difficult situation for Seymour.  Curious customers are lured to the shop to see this wondrous plant and for the first time, Mushnick’s making money!  The now-anemic Seymour learns from the plant (voiced by writer Charles B. Griffith) that it needs to be fed human flesh and, as a confused Seymour wanders beside some train tracks, in frustration he throws a rock which accidentally kills a man.  Guilt-ridden but resourceful, Seymour takes the body back to the shop and feeds the parts to Audrey 2.  This terrible act is seem by Mushnick who intends to turn Seymour over to the police but, in his greed, procrastinates.

Seymour develops a toothache and goes to sadistic dentist Dr. Farb (John Shaner), who forcefully tries to remove several of Seymour’s teeth.  Grabbing a sharp instrument, Seymour fights back and accidentally stabs to death the dentist then feeds the body parts to Audrey 2.  Enter two homicide detectives, Sgt. Joe Fink (Wally Campo) and his assistant Frank Stoolie (Jack Warford) who questions the visibly nervous Mushnick about the recent disappearances but they decide Mushnick knows nothing and depart.  By now, Audrey 2 has grown several feet taller and is beginning to bud as does Seymour and Audrey’s romance.  One night as Mushnick is staying with the plant while Seymour and Audrey go on a date, a robber (played by Charles B. Griffith) breaks into the shop and demands money.  Mushnick tells him the money is kept in the plant and, when the robber goes to look, he falls into the plant’s mouth and is eaten.  Seymour, depressed that his plant has been the cause of so many deaths, goes for a midnight stroll and is perused by a rather relentless streetwalker, whom he kills in desperation and feeds to Audrey 2.

Still lacking clues to the mysterious disappearances, Fink and Stoolie plan to attend a special sunset celebration at the shop during which Seymour will receive a trophy from a horticulturist society and Audrey 2’s buds are expected to open.  But when they do open, each has the face of one of the victims.  Terrified, Seymour runs from the shop with Fink and Stoolie in hot pursuit.  Seymour loses them in a junkyard and later returns to the shop where he grabs a knife and, leaping into the plant’s mouth, kills it.  When Audrey, Mushnick and the cops return to the shop, they see the plant begin to wither.  It’s one final bud opens and within is Seymour’s face which pitifully declares, “I didn’t mean it” before drooping over.  The End.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS 1960 trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amlXKaqk2jg

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS was released August 5, 1960 as the second half of a double-feature with Mario Bava’s BLACK SUNDAY and re-released a year later in a double-feature with THE LAST WOMAN ON EARTH.  The estimated budget listed in The Internet Data Base is $27,000 but Corman remembers it as $30,000 and other sources place it’s budget as low as $22,000 to a high of $100,000.  No box office records exist for LITTLE SHOP but in his book How I Made A Hundred Movies In Hollywood And Never Lost A Dime, Roger Corman states ““It was a let-down to make back the $30,000 negative cost with just a modest profit” and he didn’t copyright the movie, which has now gone into public domain.

The film’s popularity grew during the 1960-70’s with local horror hosts featuring it on their television programs.  Interest in the movie rekindled and it 1982, it became a hit off-Broadway horror rock musical called Little Shop of Horrors.  That later became a hit movie of the same title in 1986, directed by Frank Oz and starring Rick Moranis, Ellen Greene, Steve Martin, Vincent Gardenia, James Belushi, John Candy, Bill Murray, Christopher Guest with Levi Stubbs, one of the original Four Tops singing group, voicing Audrey 2.  Packed with snappy musical numbers, written by Academy Award-winning song-smith Miles Goodman, and featuring energetic chorography by Jerry Zaks and Vince Pesce, the film became a moderate hit, garnering a box office of $38 million on a budget of $25 million but became a smash hit when released on home video.

LITTLE SHOP was nominated for two Academy Awards and one Golden Globe Award.  LITTLE SHOP also became the first DVD to be recalled due to content.  In 1998, Warner Brothers released a DVD that contained the approximately 23-minute original ending but it was in black and white without sound.  This angered distributor Geffen and the DVDs were pulled from store shelves within days and replaced with a second edition.  The discs that contain the original black and white footage are considered collector’s items, selling for as much as $150.00 on EBay.  But, the saga of LITTLE SHOP does not end there!  In 1991, it became the plot of a short-lived animated television show titled LITTLE SHOP in which a nebbish junior-high student named Seymour owns a man-eating plant named Audrey Jr.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS 1986 trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUC1nnZy3E8

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS which began as a little movie whose director has so little faith in its survival that he didn’t even copyright it has become big business.  It was announced in April 2009 that Declan O’Brien (“Sharktopus,” “Wrong Turn: Bloody Beginnings”) would helm yet another remake of LITTLE SHOP.  However, in an interview with Bloody Disgusting.com, Declan declared his version “won’t be a musical ... it’s will be dark.”  As of this writing, Declan’s version is still on the back burner.  On May 4, 2012, Warner-Brothers announced it’s in the planning stages of a remake of LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and has hired “Glee” co-producer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (“Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark” and MGM/ Screen Gems remake of “Carrie”) to write the script.  Mark Platt (“Drive”) will co-produce.  In addition, Variety reports that THE DARK KNIGHT RISES star Joseph Gordon-Levitt is circling the lead role of nerdy Seymour Krelboyne.  With the producer of Fox’s hit TV series “Glee” helming, it’s a safe bet that this version will be a restyling of the 1986 Frank Oz musical version.  No date has been set yet for the principle shooting schedule and no actors have yet been cast.

Five decades have passed since Roger Corman decided to use some old standing sets to film a quickie movie, and what a phenomenon that quirky, dark comedy THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS has become!  Lauded by film critics ... Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 91% freshness rating ... and laughed at by millions of viewers, it’s been released with a commentary track by Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Michael J. Nelson and in 2009 was released by Rifftrax with Nelson and fellow MST3K cast members Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett.  Legend’s colorized version is also available from Amazon Video on Demand.  Apparently, there is no stopping the phenomenon that is THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS.

MSTjunkie

DVD Review: THE NAVY vs. THE NIGHT MONSTERS

Title:  THE NAVY vs. THE NIGHT MONSTERS

Year of Release—Film:  1966

Year of Release—DVD:  2010

DVD Label:  Cheezy Flicks

For every Horror fan, there is that one movie that started it all; the first movie that scared them, gave them nightmares.   For most, that would be an unpleasant memory, but for Horror-philes, that was merely the planting of a seed, a seed that would grow into a life-long love affair with Scary Movies.

For the child that would one day grow into the Unimonster, that seed would be planted when I was barely three years old, sitting between my older sisters at a Drive-In in Jacksonville, Florida.  The movie was Michael A. Hoey’s THE NAVY vs. THE NIGHT MONSTERS, the first movie that ever gave me nightmares.  In the past I’ve written of my quest to track down this movie, barely remembered from my (ever-more) distant youth [Childhood Terrors Recaptured, 20 October 2007].  I had one clear image in my mind to aid me in that search—a sailor, arm torn off by a tree-like monster, staggering, screaming, through the jungle.  An image that was sharp in my mind forty years later.

As I related in that article, I eventually tracked down a copy of this movie … an average-looking transfer to DVD-R from the 1997 VHS release.  It was certainly watchable, and I was overjoyed to add it to the collection, but I also hoped that at some point that it would get the DVD release that it deserved.  One can easily imagine my joy when low-cost distributor Cheezy Flicks announced that they would be releasing it on DVD in 2010.

Starring Mamie Van Doren, the former girlfriend of billionaire recluse (and one-time head of RKO Studios) Howard Hughes, along with Anthony Eisley, Bill Gray (who, as ‘Billy’ Gray, was familiar to 1960s audiences as Bud, the son on Father Knows Best), and former musical star Bobby Van.  The story, based on Murray Leinster’s novel The Monster from Earth’s End, concerns a cargo flight from Antarctica, carrying scientists and their biological specimens.  The transport crash-lands under mysterious circumstances at a remote refueling outpost of the US Navy.  Upon searching the aircraft, the sailors are shocked to find only one survivor—and no bodies.  The rest of the crew, as well as the passengers, have simply disappeared.  The only evidence of unusual activity is traces of a highly corrosive substance found in the cargo compartment.

For lack of a better explanation, Lt. Charles Brown (Eisley), temporarily in command of the station, determines that the lone survivor most likely murdered the rest, and disposed of their bodies over the ocean.  As the suspect is in a catatonic state, there’s no one to refute the hypothesis, and he’s placed under guard in the infirmary.  The station’s chief scientist, Dr. Beecham (Walter Sande), plants the botanical samples found in the wreckage to preserve them until transport can be arranged.  Soon however, station personnel begin disappearing.  Can it be the plane’s co-pilot, continuing his murderous spree?

Complicating Lt. Brown’s problems are his girlfriend Nora (Van Doren) and Bob Spaulding, the station’s civilian weather forecaster (played by Edward Faulkner).  Spaulding, whose contract is up, and is due to leave the island, is in love with Nora, creating a conflict with the naval officer.  For her part, Nora, though she has feelings for Spaulding, is holding out hope for Brown.

It soon becomes clear to the officers and men of Gull Island that something unexplained is happening, something which goes beyond what one man, even a lunatic, would be capable of performing.  Can the Navy find the solution to the question in time, or will the station be wiped out by an unknown horror?

Though Michael Hoey is listed as the film’s writer-director, he reportedly had deep misgivings over producer Jack Broder’s vision for the movie.  The final straw came when the ‘night crawlers’ were delivered to the production.  The creation of Jon Hall (the director and star of THE BEACH GIRLS AND THE MONSTER), Hoey thought the creatures laughably ridiculous, and refused to shoot the scenes with them.  Broder simply brought in Hall to shoot the scenes with his creatures, and Arthur C. Pierce, who had an uncredited assist on the screenplay, to shoot some additional material.  Frankly, I’d have to agree with Hoey … as long as the monsters remained unseen the film was pretty effective at building and maintaining the suspense.  However, as with most movies of this period, once the creature was revealed it lost all ability to frighten audiences—at least, those whose members weren’t three years old.

As I said earlier, I was eager to see what a decent DVD release of this movie would look like, whether or not it would improve upon the rather poor quality of the transferred VHS tape.  That it does, though the bar it had to clear wasn’t an exceptionally high one, and it didn’t exactly soar over it.  The Cheezy Flicks offering is one cut above the dollar store discount bin, but for a movie like this, that’s not too bad.  I would have liked to see the print used cleaned up some, even if it was only digitally.  Still, it was hardly unwatchable.  The only bonus feature on the disc was an “Intermission Reel,” composed of concession stand ads from the 1950s, ‘60s, and ‘70s.  Enjoyable enough, but something specific to this movie would have been much better.

When I consider the recommendation of a movie, either to see or to avoid, all I (or anyone) can do is offer my opinion on whether or not I think the DVD in question is worth your hard-earned money.  Even a movie that I enjoy as much as I do this one might not make the cut, given that my tastes can be somewhat—peculiar.  I want to give THE NAVY vs. THE NIGHT MONSTERS my wholehearted recommendation … if only to validate those long-ago nightmares.  But I can’t.  If you grew up watching the Sci-Fi creature features through a car windshield, as did I, then I say give it a shot.  You just might enjoy it as much as I did.

But keep those expectations low.

DVD Review: Dave Friedman Double-Feature: SPACE-THING / TRADER HORNEE

Title:  SPACE-THING / TRADER HORNEE

Year of Release—Film:  1968 / 1970

Year of Release—DVD:  2000 / 2000

DVD Label:  Something Weird Video - Image Entertainment

With the recent passing of Dave Friedman, I thought it would be fitting to review a couple of his movies that have found their way onto DVD, courtesy of Something Weird Video and Image Entertainment, the company that released the excellent collection of Something Weird Special Edition DVDs in the late 1990s-early 2000s.  The only question was which to review?  The “Blood” trilogy, which Dave and Herschell Lewis produced in the mid-1960s, was too obvious a choice, as was the duo’s early “Nudie-Cuties.”  Besides, those movies are more Hersch’s than they are Dave’s.

SHE FREAK was Dave’s personal favorite, a loving look at the world of the “carny,” a world with which he was intimately familiar.  But Senior Correspondent Bobbie is examining that movie in detail for a future review.  I briefly considered the double-feature disc containing two of Dave’s landmark “Roughies,” THE DEFILERS and SCUM OF THE EARTH.  He led the way with this type of Sexploitation Film, and there are plenty of titles available that illustrate this phase of his career.  Still, when I think of Dave, these aren’t the first movies that come to mind.

When I think of Dave Friedman’s movies, those that have his personal stamp upon them, I think of his Sexploitation Films of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s.  With equal parts story and sex, these were movies that had a distinct feel to them, a quality that set them apart from those of his competitors.  Two of these films illustrate the broad spectrum of Dave’s work, and are available on the Special Edition DVD format.  These movies are SPACE-THING, from 1968, and TRADER HORNEE, from 1970.

SPACE-THING (1968)

Billed as the first outer space sex film, SPACE-THING truly takes sex and nudity where no one has gone before.  Directed (at least in part, but more on that shortly) by Byron Mabe (as “B. Ron Elliott”), it was written by Dave (under the pseudonym “Cosmo Politan”), who is on record as saying that this was his worst film ever.

Starring Cara Peters (credited as “April Playmate”) as Captain Mother, commander of the Space Cruiser S.S. Supreme Erection, Merci Montello (“Mercy Mee”) as Portia, Steve Vincent as Col. James Granilla, and Dan Martin (“Ronnie Runningboard”) as Willie, SPACE-THING follows the adventures of a Terrarian space crew in the year 2069.

The movie opens with a prologue featuring a man and woman in bed together.  As he reads Science-Fiction pulps, she tries vainly to get his attention, displaying her naked body to his disinterested gaze.  After several minutes of her parading her voluptuous attributes before this nebbish, he finally takes the hint and begins to make love to his wife.  We fade out, to the twinkling of stars, and we see the credits for the movie, a’la the Findlays, painted on the nude body of a young woman (Montello).  As the narration begins, we’re informed that Col. James Granilla, of the Planetarian Space force, has been deposed by his mutinous crew and set adrift in a “space-canoe.”  His ship had been on a mission to intercept a Terrarian space-cruiser on course for Planetaria, and Granilla wasn’t going to let something as trivial as being without a ship stop him from completing his mission.

He pilots his canoe to make the interception, changes his appearance to that of the Terrarians (who coincidentally look just like normal humans), and then boards the S.S. Supreme Erection, under the command of Capt. Mother (Peters).  He claims to be the only survivor of a ship destroyed in an accidental collision.  The Captain’s not pleased to have him aboard her ship, but agrees to put him to work.  As he begins interacting with the Terrarians, he decides that knowledge of the sexual customs of these strange people might prove valuable.  He turns invisible (another useful ability of the Planetarians), in order to observe the crew at play… and brother, do they play!

Shot on an average-sized budget for Friedman’s films to that time (about $17,500), SPACE-THING was far from Dave’s favorite production.  The last of Dave’s films to be directed by Byron Mabe, the two had a falling out before filming was complete, and Mabe walked off the set.  Mabe, who had been part of Dave’s stock company since he starred in 1965’s THE DEFILERS, had just recently begun to have some success in mainstream film, most notably a starring role in THE DOBERMAN GANG.  Mabe had begun to feel as though working for Sonney and Friedman was beneath him, and as Dave discusses in the excellent commentary track included on this disc, his condescending attitude towards his employers had worn very thin.  Dave finally confronted him, asking him if he really wanted to be making this picture.  Mabe replied “… not really,” and the pair shook hands and parted ways.  Dave finished the picture in the director’s chair, including shooting the prologue segment.

As is the norm for the Something Weird Special Edition DVD’s offered by Image, SPACE-THING comes loaded with special features from the vaults of Something Weird Video.  These are composed of shorts, trailers, and Exploitation Film photos and poster art.  The best of the extras, however, as is the case on any Dave Friedman DVD from Something Weird, is the conversation between Mike Vraney and Dave that takes place in the guise of a “commentary track.” 

Having less in common with a serious discussion of the film in question than with a fun, freewheeling chat between old friends as a movie plays in the background, these commentaries are enormously enjoyable listening.  They are also extremely informative, as Dave manages to convey a wealth of information in between stories about his cohorts and cronies.

We learn much about Dave’s life in Exploitation that bears little relation to whatever movie is the nominal subject of the discussion, such as the fact that Dave preferred that his actresses not become known by name to audiences.  He feared that that would give them the ability to demand higher pay, thus explaining the bizarre stage names the actresses in this film were credited under.

After viewing SPACE-THING, it’s hard not to agree with Dave’s opinion of this as his “worst movie ever.”  Still, for fans of Sexploitation, Dave Friedman, and Something Weird Video, it’s priced to take a chance on, at less than $10.  Just do what I do—select the commentary track, push play, and enjoy listening to Dave reminisce about the ‘good ol’ days’ as naked lovelies cavort across the screen.

TRADER HORNEE (1970)

At the opposite end of the spectrum from SPACE-THING is TRADER HORNEE, Dave’s tribute to the “Goona-Goona” pictures of years past.  Made two short years after the former film, TRADER HORNEE was the latest in a string of ‘big-budget’ (at least, for Sonney and Friedman) pictures from Entertainment Ventures, Inc.

Beginning with STARLET in 1969, Dave made a conscious effort to boost the production values of his films.  The fact that his movies were now being booked into regular theaters—both Drive-In and Conventional—and not just the “adult” venues meant that the movies had to look much better than before.  This meant bigger budgets (in the case of TRADER HORNEE, about $62,000), locations that weren’t the back alley of the Cordoba St. offices, and at least an effort to have a cast that could act.

The story is simple, though well-put-together.  A detective agency in Indianapolis, the Hoosier Secret Service, is hired by the Bank of the Wabash to travel to Africa, to search for a missing heiress.  Heir to the famed Matthews fortune, little Prentice Matthews disappeared while on safari with her parents.  While their bodies were found, no trace of her was ever seen again.  Her twenty-first birthday is now approaching, and the bank president (Neal Henderson) needs to settle the estate.  The detective, Hamilton “the E’s are silent” Hornee (Buddy Pantsari) and his assistant Jane Sommers (Julie Conners, credited as “Elizabeth Monica”) are tasked with determining the young girl’s fate, and either confirming her death, or bringing her home to claim the inheritance.

They won’t be traveling alone.  Their party will include the last surviving Matthews descendant, weasely Max Matthews and his conniving wife Doris (John Alderman and Luanne Roberts, billed as “Christine Murray”), newspaper reporter Tender Lee (Elizabeth Knowles, as “Lisa Grant”), and an expert on African wildlife, Stanley Livingston (Fletcher Davies).  Each has their own reasons for venturing into the land of the dreaded Meshpokas, where the Matthews expedition met its unfortunate fate.

In the excellent commentary for this movie, Dave Friedman and Mike Vraney continue their habit of making these tracks more of a conversation between old friends; though with a good movie to focus on, more of that conversation directly involves what’s happening on the screen.  They discuss Dave’s writing process, the many in-jokes in the picture, and just what was involved in making and distributing an exploitation picture in the early 1970s.  We’re even introduced to Dave and Carol’s parrot Lolita, who has a cameo in TRADER HORNEE.

Overall, this is Dave’s best executed production, and one hell of a fun comedy.  Considered X-rated fare in 1970, it’s doubtful it would even draw an “R” today.  It’s one that belongs in the library of every fan of Exploitation Film.

The movies of Dave Friedman were like the man himself—fun, risqué, entertaining, and with a true carny spirit.  They promised much, and usually delivered enough to keep fans coming back for more.  They weren’t high art; high camp might be a better description.  But throughout the 1960s and ‘70s, they kept filling Drive-Ins and Theaters across the country.  For the man who had learned his craft at the feet of Kroger Babb that was all they needed to do.

Ten Turkeys for Turkey-Day Viewing… [w/ Senior Correspondent Bobbie Culbertson]

[Ed. Note:  For only the second time here in the Crypt, we’ll be presenting a co-authored piece, a cooperative effort between our Senior Correspondent Bobbie and me.  Though her reviews are a regular part of the Unimonster’s Crypt, and her research talents and vast knowledge of bad movies are frequently called upon as I write these articles, this will be the first time we actually share a by-line.  I can say, however, that it certainly won’t be the last.]

Thanksgiving may be the one holiday thus far immune from the predations of the Horror genre.  Halloween, of course, is a given.  Christmas has been thoroughly exploited by genre filmmakers, as has St. Patrick’s Day, April Fool’s Day, and every month fortunate enough to have the 13^th fall upon a Friday.  Valentine’s Day has been explored, as has birthdays, graduation days, prom nights, and Independence Day.  One could stretch a point and say Easter has had its Horror film, in the form of thousands of giant carnivorous bunnies on the rampage in NIGHT OF THE LEPUS.  Even First Communion isn’t safe, as Brooke Shields discovered in 1976’s ALICE, SWEET ALICE.

So why should the quintessential American holiday, a day wherein we commemorate the first year’s survival of the pilgrims in the New World with non-stop bouts of football and eating, be sacrosanct?  Why shouldn’t we have killer pilgrims hacking their way through nubile young cheerleaders, or a 200-ft. tall turkey attacking the Detroit Lions?  Why should Thanksgiving Day be different from every other holiday on the calendar?

Sadly, except for Eli Roth’s fake trailer, THANKSGIVING DAY, produced for the Robert Rodriguez-Quentin Tarantino film GRINDHOUSE, it is different.  And until the Unimonster’s Crypt branches out into independent film production, it’s likely to stay that way.  However, there is a solution for those horror fans that’d prefer to have some turkey on their television screens, as well as their plates.

It should come as no surprise that those of us at the Unimonster’s Crypt have a soft spot (right between our eyes…) for bad movies.  I don’t mean Uwe Boll-got-a-new-xBox-bad movies, or Hugh Grant-Reese Witherspoon so-sickly-sweet-you’ll-need-insulin-bad movies.  I mean the kind of bad movies that were shot on a four-figure budget, and look it.  The type of bad movie that made Ed Wood, Ray Dennis Steckler, Brad Grinter, and Larry Crane legends among those who love bad movies.  In short, those movies that define the phrase, “so bad they’re good.”

 So, while we may not be able to bring you the spectacle of Turkzilla stomping his way through the Motor City, there are some turkeys that we can recommend for your Thanksgiving viewing, ten movies that are truly so bad that they’re good.  They have a charm, a quality that overcomes their shoddy production values, poor acting, and inept direction.  In fact, their entertainment value is due to these factors, rather than in spite of them.

So here are ten turkeys for Turkey Day, all trussed up and ready for roasting.  They are badly done, there’s no denying that.  But they are also, for the most part, entertaining—and that’s as equally hard to deny.

THE GIANT CLAW (1957)—Any discussion of bad movies must include this film, featuring what might be the most ridiculous creature since Donnie Dunagan in SON OF FRANKENSTEIN.  Looking like a cross between a vulture and a turkey, as envisioned by Sid and Marty Kroft, the movie’s namesake monster inspired gales of laughter whenever visible on-screen and when it wasn’t the inept screenplay, lifeless direction, and wooden acting (from a usually dependable cast of veterans) changes the laughs into groans.

What rescues this movie from the same obscurity that buried so many similar films of the era is the fact that it’s so unintentionally funny.  The poster’s depiction of the creature doesn’t match the actors’ descriptions of the creature, which doesn’t match the creature’s on-camera image.  That image itself is so ludicrous that it is impossible to take it seriously—the first moment it’s seen transforms the film into the rankest form of camp comedy.  Not to everyone’s taste, to be sure—but hilarious nonetheless.

ROBOT MONSTER (1953)—Undoubtedly one of the worst films of all time, once again made comically entertaining by the absurd look of the eponymous creature, the lead agent of an alien race who has exterminated the entire human race—save for a group of eight individuals who were somehow immune to the fatal beams of the ‘Calcinator’.  Ro-Man, the invader charged with the conquest of Earth, tries to eradicate these survivors, but is hampered by the fact that he has fallen in love with Alice, the young and pretty female survivor.

The “Great Guidance,” the leader of the Ro-Man race, comes to Earth to oversee the final stage of the extinction of the human race, chiding the first Ro-Man for his failure to complete his mission.  The Great Guidance completes the assignment, wiping out humanity, only to have the entire movie revealed to be a young boy’s dream, a’la INVADERS FROM MARS.  Though even by 1950’s B-movie standards this cannot be considered a “good” film, it was still a very profitable one, earning more than $1 million at the box-office.

It’s hard to peg just what makes this movie enjoyable, despite the innumerable flaws it displays.  The acting is incredibly bad, on virtually the entire cast’s part.  Especially worthy of note are the leads, George Nader and Claudia Barrett, who play Roy and Alice.  Though the performances on the whole are at the level of a suburban dinner theater troupe, these two would aspire to be that good.  Combined with a totally preposterous script and Phil Tucker’s nonexistent direction, you have all the ingredients of a truly horrible movie, one devoid of any redeeming qualities.  However, if that were the case, then it wouldn’t be on this list.  Every movie that can be described as “so-bad-it’s-good” has some innate quality, some indefinable …something, that makes fans love it, and that holds true for ROBOT MONSTER as well.

Perhaps it’s the sheer cheapness of the production, reportedly filmed on a budget of only $16,000.  The paucity of money comes through in every frame of the movie, apparent in the lack of sets and the slapdash look of the few props used.  The most obvious sign of the lack of funds is the absurd look of Ro-Man himself.  Unable to afford the robot costume originally envisioned, the producers simply gave up, slapping a cheap plastic space helmet on top of a man (George Barrows) in an ape suit.  Even that was an exercise in economy—the suit belonged to Barrows.

It might also have something to do with the unintentionally comedic dialogue, delivered with enough inappropriately dramatic emphasis to reduce the viewer to peals of laughter.  It could be the liberal use of stock footage, along with scenes lifted from other films (including some rather anachronistic dinosaurs).  It might even be the strange mention in the opening credits of the “N. A. Fischer Chemical Products” company, manufacturer of the “Billion-Bubble” machine, which formed the basis of the Ro-Man communications device.  Most likely it was a combination of these factors that have cemented this movie’s cult status in the hearts of it’s fans, and it’s place in movie history.

BEGINNING OF THE END (1957)—Other than the name “Bert I. Gordon,” how much needs to be said about this, arguably the worst of the 1950’s Giant Bug films?  The story isn’t terrible; certainly no more so than that for TARANTULA or THE BLACK SCORPION, and the acting is on a similar level with those films.

Peter Graves and Peggie Castle aren’t great, or even good, in the roles of generic rescuing scientist Ed Wainwright and generic damsel in distress Audrey Aimes—but I’ve seen worse, and they do well enough with the material provided.

Bert Gordon’s direction is no better than it has to be, and is often not even that, but fans of his films are familiar with his level of incompetence, and accept it readily.  He did have a unique style that came through in his films, a quality that kept his work from being unwatchable.

What sets BEGINNING… apart from other Giant Bug films of that era however, are the special effects, effects that are laughably bad even by 1950’s B-movie standards.  From the poorly composited battle between the locusts and the Illinois National Guard, to the ridiculous rear-projection ‘grasshopper-in-a-cage’ effect used in the laboratory scenes, to shots of grasshoppers crawling on a photo of the Tribune Building, this film is a monument to bad special effects.  And ultimately, to bad filmmaking itself.

A*P*E (1976)—I must admit that I find most movies on this list, even though they’re incredibly bad, are also very enjoyable.  I’ve seen them all multiple times, and with each viewing managed to pan out one more fleck of gold from all the muck.  All, that is, except for A*P*E.

I first acquired this movie approximately ten years ago, about the same time I added ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN to my collection.  In that time I would estimate I’ve watched the latter movie between 20 and 25 times, but A*P*E no more than twice—and the second viewing was for the purpose of an article.  To say this is a bad movie is an understatement—it is nothing less than horrible, a thoroughly unwatchable piece of cinematic flotsam that must be experienced at least once by every fan of bad movies.

One might wonder how you make a movie so bad that not even the Unimonster, a man devoted to the appreciation and collection of craptacular film, can find one redeeming feature in it.  It’s not easy, but it’s also not impossible, as Paul Leder demonstrates here.

You start with a direct ripoff of KING KONG—as done by your average Korean junior high school drama class.  For your creature, use the worst looking ape suit you can find, making sure that the actor’s (and I use that term loosely) street clothes are visible underneath it.  Establish that the “ape” is 36 feet tall, yet keep varying the scale of the props and miniatures so that his size appears to be constantly changing.  Populate your cast with performers that would bring shame to an amateur production of Our Town.  Give them a script for which a 12-year-old would refuse credit.  Do that, and you’d have a start on matching the incredible, unbelievable crap factor of A*P*E.

TROLL 2 (1990)—Perhaps the worst-rated film on this list, this hodge-podge of celluloid cheese defies description.  It’s a mix of poor screenwriting, shoddy direction, and incredibly bad acting that for some reason has managed to develop a small group of very loyal fans.

The brainchild of Rossella Drudi and Claudio Fragasso (who also directed the movie under the name Drake Floyd), this crapfest was produced with the title GOBLIN, but retitled in the US to capitalize on the success (minor as it was) of the 1986 film TROLL.  This film, which bears no relation to that movie, is the story of a family who’s vacationing in the small town of Nilbog—Goblin spelled backward… get it?  Good, because that as original as the writing gets.  The family, Mom and Dad Waits, with Holly and Joshua, are due to become goblin chow, as soon as they’re properly prepared.  It seems that these are vegetarian goblins, and must first transform their prey, through the use of a magical meal, into a plant.  Why they can’t just eat a carrot is a mystery, but it’s far from the only one.  Another question that begs an answer is how in God’s name the filmmakers ever convinced someone to put up money for the production of this turd.

The acting is, unfortunately, a good match for the idiotic script.  No one stands out positively, and all are competing hard for the title of Worst Actor Ever.  Personally, my vote is for the ‘star’ of the movie, Michael Stephenson.  His performance as Joshua, who with the aid of his dead grandfather (Robert Ormsby, another contender for the Worst Ever crown…) saves his family from the goblins—or does he?

I may be in danger of overusing this phrase, but there is no way to avoid it.  This is a movie that must be seen to be believed.  I cannot make it sound as wretched as it truly is—I’m just not that good a writer.

LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD (2000)—The fifth entry in this undeservedly long-running franchise, LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD is a prime example of the late 1990’s-early 2000’s trend of Urban Horror.  A few examples of this sub-genre were excellent Horror films—TALES FROM THE HOOD and BONES among them.  Many were not.  This movie falls squarely into the latter category.

Starring Ice-T, Anthony Montgomery, Rashaan Nail, and with Warwick Davis reprising his character of a malevolent Irish elemental, this outing for the diminutive demon is a step up from the previous LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE—though that’s hardly a difficult feat.  Three rappers accidentally free a leprechaun imprisoned twenty years before by a gangster named Mack Daddy (Ice-T, who must not be concerned about typecasting).  They soon find themselves targeted by both the Leprechaun and Mack Daddy, and running for their lives.

Despite the ludicrous concept and weak script, this is a much more entertaining movie than one would think possible.  Davis attacks the part of the Leprechaun with gusto, playing the role as though he were a miniature Freddy Krueger, wisecracking his way from kill to kill.  Though this is a bad entry in a not very good franchise, there’s still plenty here for fans of bad movies to enjoy.

THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972)—In the ‘70’s and 80’s, Charles B. Pierce, an advertising executive from Texarkana, Arkansas, made a series of low-budget movies about a local “bigfoot”-type creature named the Fouke Monster.  Shot in a pseudo-documentary style and presented as fact, THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK helped fuel an interest in strange and unknown creatures such as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster.

Produced for $160,000 borrowed from a local trucking company, and with the citizens of Texarkana as cast and crew, …BOGGY CREEK is definitely low-budget, no-talent filmmaking at its best.  The photography is amateurish, the monster is hokey, and the script, what there is of it, is high school level at best.

However, there’s still that indefinable something that captivates the viewer, engaging them in the movie despite it’s flaws.  It may be the authenticity of the people and the locations.  It may be the way the narrator sells the story, as though he were reporting the 6 o’clock news.  It may simply be that, for lovers of bad movies, there are few more enjoyable than this one.

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES (1964)—Ray Dennis Steckler is a legend among those who love bad movies, and of all his films—RAT PHINK A BOO-BOO, WILD GUITAR, THE LEMONGROVE KIDS MEET THE MONSTERS—none have achieved the infamous stature that this movie, affectionately known to it’s fans as “TISCWSLABMUZ,” has.  Lost in obscurity since the 1970’s, the movie was featured in episode 812 in the eighth season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, broadcast in 1997, and a new generation of bad movie lovers were exposed to Steckler’s masterpiece.

How can one count the ways this movie is bad?  First of all, with few exceptions, if the director is also the star, the movie sucks.  Doubt me?  Two words—THE POSTMAN.  Also, any time the director casts his wife and/or girlfriend in the movie is a red flag.  Carolyn Brandt, who was Steckler’s wife at the time, starred in the film as Marge.  And let’s be honest—that title screams crappy movie in neon letters ten feet tall.

But these are just the first indicators, the ones that one can see just from looking at the poster.  Any hopes the casual filmgoer might hold that these indicators might prove false are quickly dashed with the realization that every facet of this movie is bad.  Bad acting, bad direction, a bad screenplay—nowhere is there relief from the overwhelming stink of this movie.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1958)—This movie, director Edward D. Wood’s magnum opus, is synonymous with the term “bad movie.”  Long regarded as the worst movie ever made, it’s really not that terrible.  In comparison with a truly horrendous movie such as LEGEND OF BLOOD MOUNTAIN (1965), it rates as inspired filmmaking—relatively speaking.

That’s not to say that this is by any stretch of the imagination a ‘good’ movie.  Those familiar with Wood’s work understand what they are getting when they sit down to one of his films, and with PLAN 9… that’s doubled.  The writing is atrocious, the design of the production, the sets, the props, all would embarrass a grade school Christmas pageant.  The actors should be ashamed to refer to themselves as such, and what more can be said about Ed Wood as a director?

All of Wood’s idiosyncrasies are on display here.  No one can deny that he had a style, and a vision as a director.  The style might have been crap, and the vision hallucinogenic, but he made his movies the way he wanted them made—and that’s more than many aspiring filmmakers can say.

BLOOD FREAK (1972)—The ultimate cinematic ‘turkey’, this tale of a biker named Herschell who transforms into a blood-drinking “were-turkey” after exposure to a bad batch of drugs.  The product of the twisted imagination of Brad Grinter (whose short subject BRAD GRINTER, NUDIST might be the single most disturbing film in the Unimonster’s collection—thanks Bobbie!) this movie is a bizarre exercise in cinematic crapology.

From the papier-mâché turkey head on Herschell (Steve Hawkes), to the actress who opens her eyes to watch the action after she’s supposedly been ‘killed’, to the clearly audible instructions from the director, this movie proudly proclaims its status as “Crap.”  I can’t think of a better way to cap off the Turkey Day Film Fest than with this flaming bag of poultry excrement.

So as you lean back on your couch, pants unbuttoned, tryptophan coursing through your bloodstream, lulling you into a turkey-induced slumber, pop in some of the movies on this list… and let bad movies do the same for your brain.