Welcome to the Crypt!

Welcome to the Crypt!

Enter the Crypt as John "The Unimonster" Stevenson and his merry band of ghouls rants and raves about the current state of Horror, as well as reviews Movies, Books, DVD's and more, both old and new.

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

What's this? TWO updates to the Crypt in one month? That's right, fright-fans, the Unimonster is sending even more Halloween goodness your way! If only someone would perfect downloadable candy.....

Happy Halloween, and ... STAY SCARY!

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02 October, 2011

My First ‘Grown-Up’ Halloween

I’ve written often of Halloweens of my youth, of how important they were in the development of the boy who would one day be “the Unimonster.”  I’ve even written of that last Halloween of my childhood, the point at which I realized I was too old to go trick-or-treating any longer.  I thought at the time that my Halloween celebrations were in the past, buried in the same heap as outgrown clothes, broken toys, and forgotten books.  Life has a way of carrying us forward, and the normal passage of time soon had my thoughts turning in other directions.  Everyday concerns and worries—college, work, dating, trying to figure out how Bruce Willis’ career survived HUDSON HAWK—all pushed thoughts of Halloween into the deep recesses of my mind.  By the early 1990s, I was married, to a lovely redhead without the slightest interest in monsters or Horror movies, and I settled down to a life of grown-up domesticity.  Or so I thought.

Unfortunately, a fondness for the ghosts, ghouls, and creatures of the Horror genre wasn’t the only difference that my wife and I had, and those differences eventually led to our separation and divorce.  That separation occurred in October of 1998, with the divorce being finalized twelve months later.  Frankly, Halloween was the furthest thing from my mind at those times, but if anyone had asked me if I’d ever look forward to the October season again, I would have replied, quite honestly, that I never again wanted to think of October.  And that was my frame of mind for some time after my divorce.

However, as trite and clichéd as the aphorism may be, time really does heal all wounds.  A year after my divorce, I was casting about for something to take my mind off my pain and troubles.  I had become far too friendly with a pair of Southern gentlemen named Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, and I knew I needed something other than alcohol to occupy my mind.  Psychologists might have much to say regarding my reaching back into my childhood to find a refuge from my pain; if so, then … so be it.  All I know is that I turned to the monster movies that I had loved as a child, and rediscovered that love as a thirty-six year-old man.  I’ve written of how I began collecting Horror movies, taping every one that came on television, buying others as I could afford it.  I’ve also shared with you how that simple hobby led me to the yahoo groups full of like-minded people, and how that, in turn, led me back to my writing.  That’s what led to my ‘rebirth’ as the Unimonster, nearly a decade ago.

Something else that was reborn in me was my love of Halloween, though it had certainly never died.  It had merely been sublimated by the pressures of life.  But that first Halloween after my divorce, long before ‘Unimonster’ was even a thought in my mind, as I started building my collection of movies with five straight days of twenty-four hours worth of Horror movies—courtesy of American Movie Classics’ Monsterfest—that love came crashing back to the forefront.  That October of 2000, I ended the month with fifty-three movies in my collection, a pair of VCRs that were hot to the touch, and—for the first time in two years—a measure of happiness in my heart.

As the summer of 2001 began to wane, my thoughts, as they always had in childhood, turned to thoughts of the approaching Halloween season.  It had been more than twenty years since I had been that excited about October, and I was looking forward to another month of scary and ghoulish fun such as I had known in that long-ago past.  I wanted to decorate, I wanted to celebrate, I wanted to recapture every bit of the joy that Halloween had represented to me as a boy.

Then one bright, splendid Tuesday morning in September, everything changed as I sat at my desk at work and watched as war was declared on my country.  As they had been three years before, thoughts of such trivialities as Halloween and monster movies were chased from my mind, by the actions of real-life monsters far worse than anything Hollywood ever conceived.  This time the hurt, less personal but far more profound, was moderated by an intense rage at those who would, in such a cowardly manner, strike at something I love far more than myself.  The stress of weeks of waiting for us to strike back left little room in my thoughts for Halloween, and when, in early October, a series of anthrax attacks targeted, among other organizations, television networks, my job as chief of security at a television station guaranteed that that stress would only increase.  Halloween passed almost unnoticed amid the hectic events of the first months of war.

Another year passed, and life returned to a manner of normalcy.  As August faded into September, I once again began to think of Halloween.  That July, I had joined my first Yahoo Group, the now-defunct (and sorely-missed) Horrorweb group.  By September, I was a fully active member; in fact, in response to the Horrorwench’s September 10th question regarding plans for adding a store to the Horrorweb web-site to sell Halloween (and general horror) merchandise, I posted the following reply, “Love that Idea, Wench... I'm into ALL things Halloween! (Already started decorating my crypt!)”  I was not yet the Unimonster, but the Crypt has always been the ‘Crypt’!

That autumn was the best I had experienced in decades, as I luxuriated in the joys of Halloween as I remembered it.  Every store I entered seemed to have Halloween as its main stock in trade; every network on cable TV seemed to have non-stop horror-thons playing nightly.  To put it bluntly, I gorged on Halloween the way Augustus Gloop overindulged in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.  I bought decorations, and movies, and candy.  I recorded every Horror Film that I could; and watched those that I already had over and over.  If anything, this new form of Halloween experience was even better than my youth, for now I was completely free to give in to the holiday ‘spirit’, if you will.  My dreams of Halloween perfection, the things I had wanted to do in childhood, but had never been able to make happen, were now possible—provided I spend the money to realize them.  And while my budget wasn’t as large as I wished it to be, I still came close to matching those childhood fantasies.

As that November 1st dawned, I realized that that October had been the happiest month of the past several years for me.  Never again would I ignore the Halloween season, or pretend that I had long ago outgrown it.  Never again would I forget the joy to be found in black cats and Jack o’ Lanterns.  Eleven months of the year I would be a grown-up (well, relatively speaking …) with grown-up problems and responsibilities.  But October once more would be mine.  October would serve to remind me that there was still a part of me untouched by heartbreak, divorce, financial worries, ulcers, hypertension, stress.  October would keep me sane.

For thirty-one days every year, October would let me be a kid again.



Year of Release—Film:  2010

Year of Release—DVD:  2011

DVD Label:  Something Weird Video

For more than twenty years, Mike Vraney’s Something Weird Video has reveled in the bizarre, forgotten films that no one else would dare touch.  From driver’s ed staples such as “Highways of Agony,” to Roadshow classics like CHILD BRIDE, DAMAGED GOODS, and MOM AND DAD, Something Weird loves it all.  In that twenty years, SWV has brought its legion of fans exactly what they’ve been craving, and in so doing, Vraney has earned a well-deserved reputation as both the videophile’s best friend and the greatest living proponent of the Exploitation film.  One of that “legion of fans” is yours truly, as I explained in a previous article, “Something Weird on the Screen:  The Wild, Bizarre and Wacky World of Scare-Your-Children Movies, Exploitation Shorts and Stag Films.” [The Unimonster’s Crypt, 11 April 2009]

Recently, Vraney, and Something Weird Video, has branched out into the production end of bringing Exploitation fans their hearts’ desire.  Their first effort, one that is guaranteed to please fans of Exploitation, Grindhouse, and Drive-In movies, is the documentary HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS: THE GODFATHER OF GORE.

Lewis, 82, is one of the few remaining links to the glory days of Exploitation film, the period between the end of the Roadshow era and the 1970s, when anything could, and did, make it on-screen.  The 1960s marked a transitional period in exploitive cinema, as filmmakers worked to push cinematic envelopes apace with crumbling censorship restrictions.  Lewis, along with men and women such as Dan Sonney, Doris Wishman, Bob Cresse, and Lewis’ producing partner David F. Friedman, were in the forefront of that effort, and those efforts would culminate in the free-for-all that was filmmaking in the early 1970s.  Lewis and Friedman were the most polished of the exploiteers of this era, and perhaps the most influential.  Though the pair helped popularize Nudie-Cuties, and created what came to be known as the Roughie with SCUM OF THE EARTH, fans of this era hold them in high regard primarily for their contribution to the Horror genre.  For, in 1963, they gave birth to the gore film with BLOOD FEAST.

While this documentary traces Herschell’s entire career, as told by the man himself, much of the focus is on his well-deserved reputation as Horror’s first ‘goremeister’.  Three such movies were produced with Dave Friedman—BLOOD FEAST, TWO THOUSAND MANIACS, and COLOR ME BLOOD RED—before the partnership ended amicably.  The two remained good friends, and Friedman is interviewed in-depth for this project, perhaps his last filmed interviews [Ed. Note: It’s my belief that Senior Correspondent Bobbie Culbertson had one of the last, if not the last, interview with Mr. Friedman when she spoke with him at length for our co-authored book, Dixie’s Drive-Ins: the Southern Drive-In Culture of the 1950s through the 1980s, shortly before his passing].  Lewis also made several gore films on his own, with titles such as THE WIZARD OF GORE, THE GORE-GORE GIRLS, THE GRUESOME TWOSOME, and of course, SOMETHING WEIRD.  All are examined in this documentary, making it a must-have for Lewis’ fans, as well as fans of gore in general.

Directed by Frank Henenlotter (of BASKET CASE fame) and Jimmy Maslon, this is a loving tribute to Lewis, as well as being both educational and informative, in a very fun way.  I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Available exclusively from Something Weird Video for $14.99, at: http://www.somethingweird.com.


Title:  TRICK ‘r TREAT

Year of Release—Film:  2007

Year of Release—DVD:  2009

DVD Label:  Warner Premiere

Considering that Halloween is the celebration of all things frightening and horrific, it’s remarkable that, save for the franchise launched in 1978 by John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN, relatively few Horror Films are devoted to our favorite holiday.  Halloween might get a toss-away nod here and there, but I’m talking about using the day as the central theme of the film, as does Carpenter’s masterpiece of Holiday Horror.  One recent film not only took All Hallows Eve to heart, but it did so in spectacular fashion.  So much so, that it quickly became the Unimonster’s second favorite Halloween movie.  That film is Michael Dougherty’s 2007 movie TRICK ‘r TREAT.

Written by Dougherty, TRICK ‘r TREAT is a cinematic vision of the lore, wonder, and fascination that surrounds Halloween, crystallized into a series of four vignettes interwoven into one story centered on a demonic trick-or-treater named Sam.  Sam (short for Samhain, the Celtic festival of the dead that is the ancestor of our modern Halloween) is the personification of the holiday, watching over the festivities, and punishing those who lack the proper respect for the holiday and its customs and traditions.  He’s present in each of the four stories, as well as visible throughout the framing sequences.

As in most anthologies, some of the tales are better than the rest, but that variation is not nearly as marked here.  The opening sequence features a young married couple named Henry and Emma (Tahmoh Penikett and Leslie Bibb), who are returning from the evening’s festivities and their argument over the disrespect that Emma demonstrates towards the holiday’s traditions.  The four vignettes that follow are, in order:  The Principal, starring Dylan Baker as the principal of the local school, who has an odd way of celebrating the holiday; The School Bus Massacre Revisited, about a group of kids visiting the site of a mysterious tragedy thirty years before; Surprise Party, concerning a young woman’s (Anna Paquin) efforts to lose her “virginity;” and Meet Sam, in which a cantankerous, Halloween-hating old man (the always enjoyable Brian Cox) receives his just desserts.  The film’s conclusion ties the segments together nicely, as well as provides a very satisfying finish.
Technically speaking, the film is remarkably well-done, with photography by veteran DP Glen MacPherson.  Produced by Bryan Singer, director of films such as X-MEN, THE USUAL SUSPECTS, and SUPERMAN RETURNS, TRICK ‘r TREAT has a smooth, polished look that belies its $12 million budget, due in large part to Singer’s experience and guidance.  One factor in that look that I especially enjoyed is the paucity of CGI; almost all the effects work was practical.  The Unimonster is an old-fashioned kinda guy, and much prefers the magic of latex and rubber to pixels and megabytes.  CGI, when perfect, can be spectacularly effective.  Films such as STAR TREK and SUCKER PUNCH demonstrate this.  However, perfection is both difficult to achieve, and tremendously expensive.  If the result is anything less than perfection, then our eyes simply aren’t fooled.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but often a $200 latex appliance can be more convincing than several thousand dollars worth of computer time.

The DVD, from Warner Premiere, is okay—skimpy on special features, but acceptable.  The only bonus is the animated short Season’s Greetings, upon which the film is based.  The disc does include subtitles, something I always appreciate, but the lack of a commentary track on the feature (oddly, there is one for the animated short) is an unfortunate oversight on Warner’s part.  More information on the difficulties the producers had in finding distribution for this movie would be greatly appreciated.

For the Unimonster, there are certain movies that just define Halloween, movies that must be watched before the holiday ends or it’s just not Halloween.  Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN, Lugosi’s DRACULA, the original THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD—these movies say “Halloween” to me.  I do believe that TRICK ‘r TREAT will be joining that list this October … and for many Octobers to come.

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: HACK-O-LANTERN (HALLOWEEN NIGHT)


Year of Release—Film:  1988

[Ed. Note:  Jag Mundhra, the Director of HACK ‘O LANTERN, passed away on 4 September, 2011 in Mumbai, India.  The Crypt offers its sincere condolences to his loved ones.]
Kindly pumpkin-truck-driving Grandpa (Hy Pyke) makes a surprise Halloween visit to his young grandson, Tommy.  Grandpa gives Tommy his choice of pumpkin, a dime-store rubber skeleton and a mysteriously wrapped small package, cautioning Tommy not to tell his parents of the visit.  Later as Tommy is carving the jack-o-lantern, he cuts his finger on the carving knife and begins sucking the blood off, saying “Grandpa said it’s good for me.”  Tommy’s mother (Katrina Garner) furiously questions Tommy and, when she finds out that the Grandpa has visited, smashes Tommy’s pumpkin and warns Tommy to stay away from that man!  Later, the mother and father discuss the visit and the father, fed up with this crazy old coot, goes to warn the old man to leave Tommy alone.  Once at the Grandpa’s house, the father does not seem at all surprised to find the old man conducting a satanic ritual and confronts him.  The Grandpa’s reaction to being interrupted is to smash Tommy’s father over the head with a hammer and set him and his car on fire.  At home, Tommy opens the package to reveal a pentagram necklace.

Fast-forward 13 years.  Tommy (Greg Scott Cummings, former NFL punter for the San Diego Chargers) is now a rebellious young man, living in his mother’s basement and whiling his days listening to heavy metal and fantasizing about killing fellow heavy metal band members (featuring the band D. C. Lacroix) with laser guns.  His younger brother, Roger (Jeff Brown) is a rookie cop and his younger sister, Vera (Carla Baron) is a...well, the audience is never sure what Vera does other than wander around town with her friends.  As the mother struggles to keep both her late husband’s fruit farm going and her family together, she disapproves of anyone who comes near them.  And then there’s the Grandpa.  Despite the fact that the town’s hosting its annual Halloween party and everyone’s going, Grandpa warns Tommy that tonight Tommy will take his rightful place as head of the Coven.  The mother, sensing something is amiss, meets the Grandpa on the bridge and begs him to leave Tommy alone.  The Grandpa strokes the mother’s arms and replies that she is still a temptation to him after all these years.  And we see in a flashback Grandpa raping his own daughter on her wedding day.  Tommy is not his grandson!  He is his own son!  Bwahahahaha!  (*cough* Sorry about that.)

Allow me to pause in the narrative here.  This is where director Jag Mundhra and writer Carla Robinson begin smoking up some of Los Angeles’ favorite import.  Or so it would seem.  Up until now, this was a straight-up abet cheaply done horror movie with a decent plot that moved along at a nice pace.  We’ve had some gratuitous nudity.  And some not badly done gore effects.  It’s on Halloween night at the town dance where this movie does a complete right turn.  Because this is the part of the movie where the plot introduces the snake charmer.  And the stripper.  And the stand-up comedian (whose name is Bill Tucker and if, after watching his corny and contrived shtick, you’d like to book his act, here’s his website: [http://delafont.com/comedians/Bill-Tucker.htm].

It’s as if Jag Mundhra has put up flyers around town announcing he was looking for bit players for the party dance scene and if you had a Halloween costume and/ or some minor talent at anything, you could be in his movie!  And so the plot grinds to a halt as we watch various and not terribly talented towns-people do their “things.”  Eventually, we do get back to the plot and are rewarded with various townspeople being offed by someone in a devil’s mask and dark cape.  (I should also mention that all the women in this town are “hootchie-mamas” who are not adverse to pulling their clothes off at a moment’s notice.  Joe Bob would be proud!)

Tommy is at the coven’s ritual getting prepared to become the leader when his sister, Vera, dashes into the barn and, babbling hysterically, tells Tommy about all the killings.  Grandpa, upset that this very important ritual has been interrupted, strings the girl up and orders Tommy to kill her.  But, Tommy can’t.  After all, she’s his sister!  Furious, the be-caped Grandpa runs into the night after the fleeing girl.  And caped Tommy runs after them.  Which of these caped family members is the real killer!?!  And, we are rewarded with the double-twist ending!  (Eat your heart out, M. Night!)

Hy Pyke, who went on to do only two movies after this one, plays the Grandpa like a double order of California fruit salad.  Greg Scott Cummings played Tommy with such an aggressive nature that I feared he’d explode.  Carla Baron played Vera as a horny cipher.  And the supporting cast ... well, we’ve already covered that in a previous paragraph.  However, despite it’s obvious flaws and continuity problems, this is an unintentionally funny and fun little movie.  So, when planning your next Halloween party, which is only a few short weeks away, you could do worse than chose HACK ‘O LANTERN for the amusement of your guests.



Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 7: EARTH vs. THE SPIDER

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 7:  Earth vs. the spider

Happy Halloween everyone!!!  Oh, I know that we have a few weeks to go, but the month of October is a TOTAL, NON-STOP, TAKE-NO-PRISONERS celebration in our house.  We begin with the ceremonial “EATING OF THE CANDY CORN”, then the house is decorated, and finally we watch Horror/Sci-Fi/Thriller movies ALL MONTH LONG!! *insert WOO HOO here*  In our home, we are no respecter of persons when it comes to these genre movies.  We watch everything from the SUBLIME to the RIDICULOUS…and, at times, we watch worse.  In conjunction with the October Couch Potato Film Festival held at the Attack of the B-Movie Monsters Yahoo Group, we meticulously log our viewing choices to see WHO is the biggest Couch Potato.  Mind you, this is a hard fought title, and one must train for months on end to be prepared for the top spot on October 31st.  Yours truly has never reached the ultimate goal; however, the dip in my couch cushion (much like the rings on a tree) is indicative of the commitment it takes to be Top Spud.  Nonetheless, I try valiantly each and every year as do others.  If you feel you are up to the task, please join us!  I DARE YOU!!
Now, what Halloween season would be complete without the inclusion of the “BIG BUG” movie?  NONE, OF COURSE!!  During MST3K’s decade-long run, there were many experiments that included gigantic animals, insects, and even PEOPLE.  Once again, this month, we give attention to one of the gang’s favorite film-makers, Bert I. Gordon.  Instead of a buxom ghost haunting a lighthouse, we will see the machinations of a spider who lives in a cave, EARTH VS. THE SPIDER.  The title itself has a bit of a misnomer within it.  It wasn’t exactly the ENTIRE EARTH involved here, but a rural community in ANYTOWN, USA. 
Grab a can of Raid, a favorite snack, and let’s unravel the very tangled web of Bert I. Gordon’s EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1956)
Directed by

Writing credits

(screenplay) (as Laszlo Gorog) and


Cast (in credits order) verified as complete
Professor Art Kingman
Mike Simpson (as Gene Persson)
Deputy Sheriff Pete Sanders
Deputy Sheriff Dave
Man in Cavern
Power Line Foreman

The show opens with Crow hosting a talk show called “Inside the Robot’s Mind” with Servo as his guest.  As expected the two bots goof around so much the show never really gets started.  Magic Voice has to intervene for Commercial Sign and Joel has to chastise them because The Mads’ light had been flashing for some time.  We head to Deep 13, TV’s Frank is an operator for the Cheese Phone.  Joel is upset because they stole HIS idea for the phone, dating back to the late 1970’s.  Joel’s invention exchange is a CD Player/Blow Dryer combo featuring the music of John Tesh.  Dr. F. tells Frank to push the button on the cheese phone, but Frank ate all the buttons.
The runtime of the movie is 73 minutes, THEREFORE, we open with at short called SPEECH:  USING YOUR VOICE.  The short teaches us how to be better public speakers.  I’m not sure how the host’s (Professor E.C. Buehler) profession as Director of Forensics helps us here, but it does.  We go through several vignettes of horrid speakers and what they can do to speak more intelligently.  Professor Buehler gives us tips throughout the short on the three points to “good speaking”  and the gang retorts in kind.  First you must be HEARD, then you must be UNDERSTOOD, and finally you must be PLEASING.  *Do I please you?  Do you find me pleasing?*  (Crow)  The riffs in this VERY amusing short are fast and furious and I would fill up pages trying to tell you about it.  PLEASE look it up on YouTube, you will be glad you did.
The opening credits on EVTS have a spider web backdrop *Hey Charlotte, it spells out a word* (Crow) Crow also asks if Jack WEBB is in this movie.  Servo recites the *No spiders were harmed* disclaimer and that *one spider died of old age and we have letters from two doctors* to verify it.  The movie opens with ANOTHER Merritt Stone sighting!  He is driving down the road .  *Let me tell you about myself.  I drive a truck, I’m butt-ugly, and I hate spiders* (Servo)  He soon meets his fate.  *I’m guessing the movie is not about him*  (Servo)  The scene switches to the next day and we meet Mike and Carol (NO, NOT BRADY).  Today is Carol’s birthday and Mike gives her a present.  Carol doesn’t open the gift and Mike wants to know why.  *I’ll have to return it first* (Joel).  Carol explains her father is missing and Mike tries to console her … without success.  It appears her father is a bit of a drinker and it isn’t that unusual for him to be gone.  Carol protests and heads into school.  We all meet in chemistry class with Prof. Art Kingman (Ed Kemmer).  He is talking about negative and positive poles *Lech Walesa?*  (Crow)  Mike and Carol are passing notes and the Prof.  calls them out.  *Shame High School, what a burn*  (Joel)  Mike and Carol borrow a car to look for her father.  They drive up to something in the road and Mike asks what it is.  *That’s just a dead fath-!  A dead father?? –sobs-* (Servo)  Turns out, it is a *bat rope*  (Joel) or a *giant dreadlock* (Crow).  Of course, WE KNOW it is a spider web.  They find glass on the road and the gift that Carol’s Dad was to give her *Dear Carol, I’m Dead.  ENJOY!!* (Crow)  The two teens spot a crashed truck.  Coincidentally (or not) it is the SAME truck Carol’s Dad was driving.  *The spider stripped the truck for parts!* (Joel).  Mike determines her Dad must be okay.  *Good thing he was just thrown through the windshield*  (Crow) 
We are introduced to Crow’s cinematic endeavor, a screenplay called EARTH VS. SOUP.  He implores the others to read through the script.  The title’s purpose seems to escape Joel and Servo who want to know *WHY SOUP?*  They have to read the script and find out about Soup mixed with Uranium 235.  The terror of the script evolves quickly as the people get attacked by soup *on all fours*  (Crow)  *Soup….on all FOURS???*  (Servo)  Yeah, what did you think?  Soup is a biped??* (Crow)  Servo and Crow commence discussions on the backstory.
Mike spots THE CAVE and they go exploring DESPITE THE KEEP OUT SIGN. *Danger, weak plot ahead.  This means you.* (Joel)  Mike wants to go in alone, but Carol soon follows.  *Oh!  I broke a heel, carry me!*  (Crow)  *It’s Carol’s Dad’s Caverns* (Joel) *They walked to Arizona* (Servo)  *Boy, your Dad sure found a great cave to die in* (Servo, as Mike)  EVENTUALLY…the two teens stumble upon some skeletal remains.  *Hi Carol, did you get my present?* (Servo, as a skeleton)  Both of them fall into a web…a sticky icky web.  Noises begin.  We see our large villain *ah it’s just a process shot, honey* (Joel).  They escape the cave, bringing back with them a bit of web.  They use this to try and convince people that there is a giant spider milling about.  Professor Kingman calls the police.  The sheriff scoffs.   They decide to round up a spider posse which includes the bug-killing DDT.  The sheriff still mocks.  The posse enters the cave.  *I suppose you’re going to tell me this is a cave.*  (Crow, as sheriff)  *AH!  I broke a heel, carry me* (Joel, as sheriff)  Mike and Carol lead them to the spider.  *Hey, this music wasn’t here before* (Crow)   *Look for a dried guy in a silk bag, pass it down* (Crow, as the sheriff).  The group finally finds Carol’s Dad.  *No, that’s Rose Kennedy* (Joel)   The sheriff still is an unbeliever, until he finds the web.  *Get that DDT PDQ, you S.O.B*  (Joel)  The spider does NOT like it, people die.  *He died as he lived….with jelly on his face* (Servo)
Everyone leaves the cave and Carol has dropped her bracelet.  The sheriff gives orders to board up the cave.  The Prof.  wants to figure out HOW the spider got that way.  The sheriff wants no part of it.
The gang forms the group SPYDOR.  Arguments ensue about the coolness of KISS, and the knowledge that mentioning EMERSON, LAKE, and PALMER causes Gypsy  to hurl.  A high school janitor (Mike Nelson) appears from outer space to clean-up with sawdust.  Joel wonders what a high school janitor has to do with anything.
The Prof. brings the spider back to the high school and they house it in the Gym.  Cut to Carol crying and her Mother comes to console her.  *I don’t get it.  Daddy’s dead and everyone’s making jokes* (Joel)  Carol’s Mom reminds her she needs to do her homework.  *I don’t want you getting bad grades just because your Dad is worm food*  (Joel)    Carol urges Mike to take her back to cave, but he has to borrow wheels again.  The rest of the teen gang has to practice their music.  They convince the janitor (Hank Patterson, AKA Fred Ziffel from Green Acres) to open the locked gym doors.  The band begins playing.  More kids come in….and begin dancing.   *Geez, I hate this music”  (Crow as the spider)  *I got eight legs, I wanna dance* (Servo as the spider).  Someone screams and the spider is on the move.  The janitor calls the Prof. and is eaten by the spider  *Mr. oh-my-god-crunch-crunch, speak up*  (Joel as the Prof.).  The Prof. urges his wife and baby to stay home.  Another *pivotal scene* has Mike and Carol walking back into the cave.  Back to the city, the spider is wreaking havoc on the community.  There are various shots of people trying to escape.  *IT’S THE SPECIAL EFFECTS SIREN*  (Crow)  The Sheriff, on the phone, complains about being cut off.  *By more bartenders than I can count* (Servo)  The law enforcement officers try to get  more artillery, and the deputy rides off on a motorcycle becoming a *deputycicle*  (Crow)  The sweep of the streets show bodies laying around and a child crying.*Tonight’s episode…We are gathered here to DIE*  (Servo)  The sheriff spots a citizen named Jake driving through the streets.  Jake is evacuating and has HAD IT.  *You know if Jake has had it, it must really be bad* (Joel)   The spider (obviously graying) taps on a window.  *I love this bit.  DING DONG, Avon Calling*  (Crow).  Since it is the Prof’s house that the spider is visiting, he rams into the spider with his car.  He gets it to follow him back to the cave, unbeknownst to him that Mike and Carol are there.  The teens are still looking for her bracelet.  *The spider is either missing or he’s dead* (Crow)  After a tedious SEARCH scene, the bracelet is finally found and they start heading back out of the cave.  The spider enters.  The sheriff still can’t make a long distance call.  The Prof. hauls in the deputy’s body.  They plan to blow up the cave.  Mike’s Dad is remains behind, manning the phones.  Joe (the car owner) calls and reports that his vehicle hasn’t returned, thus enlightening Mike’s Father that he and Carol are in the cave.
Joel introduces the bots to Creepy Crawlers.  He tells them all about NON-TOXIC toys and how fun toys have been taken off the market because of the dangers.  *Learn with the Creepy Crawler Maker, BURN with the Creepy Crawler Maker*  (Joel)

Mike and Carol are having trouble getting out of the cave and are getting hungry.  It so happens the spider is also getting hungry.  The posse arrives at the cave again with all the explosives.  *Break out the cocktail weenies*  (Servo)  The explosives are about ready.  *Well surely, they’ll see our car at the entrance* (Joel as Carol)    The dynamite goes off..and they finally realize the kids are still in there.  *First they want us to close the cave, then they want us to open the cave*  (Servo)   They send Mike’s Dad to get some wire.  Mike and Carol are under the rubble.  *I really got stoned last night*  (Servo)    Mike and Carol reach the blocked cave opening.  They start yelling.  *Be heard, be understood, and be pleasing* (Crow)  The spider is still rumbling about.  The Prof. suggests using electrodes.  Who knew??  This became a real-life lab experiment from the school lesson.  Mike and Carol are tenuously scaling the cave walls.  Rescue workers break through.  *all night long plaque works on your teeth*  (Servo)  The sheriff and the Prof go into the cave.  Mike says, “IT’S THEM”  *Oh no..NOT THEM….NOT THE BIG ANTS*  (Crow)
The Sheriff and Prof. finally reach Mike and Carol.  *Hey professor, does this count as a lab?*  (Joel)  They get the two out and blow up the cave.  The parents are reunited with their kids.  The spider is dead and buried.  *When in New Mexico, visit Carlsbad Caves.  No bombs, we promise* (Joel)  The movie is mercifully over.
The bots had homework.  Servo had to trace the themes of Bert I. Gordon movies.  Crow had to write the Autobiography of Bert I. Gordon.  He compares the movies of Gordon and Orson Welles with many similarities.  Joel is not fooled…Crow did not do his homework.  Switch to the Mads; Frank is sick because he ate the entire phone.  Dr. F prepares an injection, but Frank hurls all over the  place.  Time to get some sawdust.

Have fun this Halloween season, watch some old scary movies, Trick or Treat with your kids, or just dress up as you hand out candy.  You can even indulge in some low budget delicacies from Bert I.  Gordon and the crew from Mystery Science Theater 3000.