Welcome to the Crypt!

Welcome to the Crypt!

Enter the Crypt as John "The Unimonster" Stevenson and his merry band of ghouls rants and raves about the current state of Horror, as well as reviews Movies, Books, DVD's and more, both old and new.

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

What's this? TWO updates to the Crypt in one month? That's right, fright-fans, the Unimonster is sending even more Halloween goodness your way! If only someone would perfect downloadable candy.....

Happy Halloween, and ... STAY SCARY!

Popular Posts

Followers

Essays from the Crypt

Essays from the Crypt
Buy the best of the Unimonster's Crypt

Search This Blog

02 October, 2011

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 7: EARTH vs. THE SPIDER

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 7:  Earth vs. the spider


Happy Halloween everyone!!!  Oh, I know that we have a few weeks to go, but the month of October is a TOTAL, NON-STOP, TAKE-NO-PRISONERS celebration in our house.  We begin with the ceremonial “EATING OF THE CANDY CORN”, then the house is decorated, and finally we watch Horror/Sci-Fi/Thriller movies ALL MONTH LONG!! *insert WOO HOO here*  In our home, we are no respecter of persons when it comes to these genre movies.  We watch everything from the SUBLIME to the RIDICULOUS…and, at times, we watch worse.  In conjunction with the October Couch Potato Film Festival held at the Attack of the B-Movie Monsters Yahoo Group, we meticulously log our viewing choices to see WHO is the biggest Couch Potato.  Mind you, this is a hard fought title, and one must train for months on end to be prepared for the top spot on October 31st.  Yours truly has never reached the ultimate goal; however, the dip in my couch cushion (much like the rings on a tree) is indicative of the commitment it takes to be Top Spud.  Nonetheless, I try valiantly each and every year as do others.  If you feel you are up to the task, please join us!  I DARE YOU!!
Now, what Halloween season would be complete without the inclusion of the “BIG BUG” movie?  NONE, OF COURSE!!  During MST3K’s decade-long run, there were many experiments that included gigantic animals, insects, and even PEOPLE.  Once again, this month, we give attention to one of the gang’s favorite film-makers, Bert I. Gordon.  Instead of a buxom ghost haunting a lighthouse, we will see the machinations of a spider who lives in a cave, EARTH VS. THE SPIDER.  The title itself has a bit of a misnomer within it.  It wasn’t exactly the ENTIRE EARTH involved here, but a rural community in ANYTOWN, USA. 
Grab a can of Raid, a favorite snack, and let’s unravel the very tangled web of Bert I. Gordon’s EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1956)
Directed by



Writing credits

(screenplay) (as Laszlo Gorog) and

(screenplay)

(story)
Cast (in credits order) verified as complete
...
Professor Art Kingman
...
...
Mike Simpson (as Gene Persson)
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Deputy Sheriff Pete Sanders
...
...
...
...
...
Deputy Sheriff Dave
...
Dancer
...
Man in Cavern
...
Power Line Foreman
...


HOST SEGMENT
The show opens with Crow hosting a talk show called “Inside the Robot’s Mind” with Servo as his guest.  As expected the two bots goof around so much the show never really gets started.  Magic Voice has to intervene for Commercial Sign and Joel has to chastise them because The Mads’ light had been flashing for some time.  We head to Deep 13, TV’s Frank is an operator for the Cheese Phone.  Joel is upset because they stole HIS idea for the phone, dating back to the late 1970’s.  Joel’s invention exchange is a CD Player/Blow Dryer combo featuring the music of John Tesh.  Dr. F. tells Frank to push the button on the cheese phone, but Frank ate all the buttons.
MOVIE SIGN
The runtime of the movie is 73 minutes, THEREFORE, we open with at short called SPEECH:  USING YOUR VOICE.  The short teaches us how to be better public speakers.  I’m not sure how the host’s (Professor E.C. Buehler) profession as Director of Forensics helps us here, but it does.  We go through several vignettes of horrid speakers and what they can do to speak more intelligently.  Professor Buehler gives us tips throughout the short on the three points to “good speaking”  and the gang retorts in kind.  First you must be HEARD, then you must be UNDERSTOOD, and finally you must be PLEASING.  *Do I please you?  Do you find me pleasing?*  (Crow)  The riffs in this VERY amusing short are fast and furious and I would fill up pages trying to tell you about it.  PLEASE look it up on YouTube, you will be glad you did.
The opening credits on EVTS have a spider web backdrop *Hey Charlotte, it spells out a word* (Crow) Crow also asks if Jack WEBB is in this movie.  Servo recites the *No spiders were harmed* disclaimer and that *one spider died of old age and we have letters from two doctors* to verify it.  The movie opens with ANOTHER Merritt Stone sighting!  He is driving down the road .  *Let me tell you about myself.  I drive a truck, I’m butt-ugly, and I hate spiders* (Servo)  He soon meets his fate.  *I’m guessing the movie is not about him*  (Servo)  The scene switches to the next day and we meet Mike and Carol (NO, NOT BRADY).  Today is Carol’s birthday and Mike gives her a present.  Carol doesn’t open the gift and Mike wants to know why.  *I’ll have to return it first* (Joel).  Carol explains her father is missing and Mike tries to console her … without success.  It appears her father is a bit of a drinker and it isn’t that unusual for him to be gone.  Carol protests and heads into school.  We all meet in chemistry class with Prof. Art Kingman (Ed Kemmer).  He is talking about negative and positive poles *Lech Walesa?*  (Crow)  Mike and Carol are passing notes and the Prof.  calls them out.  *Shame High School, what a burn*  (Joel)  Mike and Carol borrow a car to look for her father.  They drive up to something in the road and Mike asks what it is.  *That’s just a dead fath-!  A dead father?? –sobs-* (Servo)  Turns out, it is a *bat rope*  (Joel) or a *giant dreadlock* (Crow).  Of course, WE KNOW it is a spider web.  They find glass on the road and the gift that Carol’s Dad was to give her *Dear Carol, I’m Dead.  ENJOY!!* (Crow)  The two teens spot a crashed truck.  Coincidentally (or not) it is the SAME truck Carol’s Dad was driving.  *The spider stripped the truck for parts!* (Joel).  Mike determines her Dad must be okay.  *Good thing he was just thrown through the windshield*  (Crow) 
HOST SEGMENT
We are introduced to Crow’s cinematic endeavor, a screenplay called EARTH VS. SOUP.  He implores the others to read through the script.  The title’s purpose seems to escape Joel and Servo who want to know *WHY SOUP?*  They have to read the script and find out about Soup mixed with Uranium 235.  The terror of the script evolves quickly as the people get attacked by soup *on all fours*  (Crow)  *Soup….on all FOURS???*  (Servo)  Yeah, what did you think?  Soup is a biped??* (Crow)  Servo and Crow commence discussions on the backstory.
MOVIE SIGN
Mike spots THE CAVE and they go exploring DESPITE THE KEEP OUT SIGN. *Danger, weak plot ahead.  This means you.* (Joel)  Mike wants to go in alone, but Carol soon follows.  *Oh!  I broke a heel, carry me!*  (Crow)  *It’s Carol’s Dad’s Caverns* (Joel) *They walked to Arizona* (Servo)  *Boy, your Dad sure found a great cave to die in* (Servo, as Mike)  EVENTUALLY…the two teens stumble upon some skeletal remains.  *Hi Carol, did you get my present?* (Servo, as a skeleton)  Both of them fall into a web…a sticky icky web.  Noises begin.  We see our large villain *ah it’s just a process shot, honey* (Joel).  They escape the cave, bringing back with them a bit of web.  They use this to try and convince people that there is a giant spider milling about.  Professor Kingman calls the police.  The sheriff scoffs.   They decide to round up a spider posse which includes the bug-killing DDT.  The sheriff still mocks.  The posse enters the cave.  *I suppose you’re going to tell me this is a cave.*  (Crow, as sheriff)  *AH!  I broke a heel, carry me* (Joel, as sheriff)  Mike and Carol lead them to the spider.  *Hey, this music wasn’t here before* (Crow)   *Look for a dried guy in a silk bag, pass it down* (Crow, as the sheriff).  The group finally finds Carol’s Dad.  *No, that’s Rose Kennedy* (Joel)   The sheriff still is an unbeliever, until he finds the web.  *Get that DDT PDQ, you S.O.B*  (Joel)  The spider does NOT like it, people die.  *He died as he lived….with jelly on his face* (Servo)
Everyone leaves the cave and Carol has dropped her bracelet.  The sheriff gives orders to board up the cave.  The Prof.  wants to figure out HOW the spider got that way.  The sheriff wants no part of it.
HOST SEGMENT
The gang forms the group SPYDOR.  Arguments ensue about the coolness of KISS, and the knowledge that mentioning EMERSON, LAKE, and PALMER causes Gypsy  to hurl.  A high school janitor (Mike Nelson) appears from outer space to clean-up with sawdust.  Joel wonders what a high school janitor has to do with anything.
MOVIE SIGN
The Prof. brings the spider back to the high school and they house it in the Gym.  Cut to Carol crying and her Mother comes to console her.  *I don’t get it.  Daddy’s dead and everyone’s making jokes* (Joel)  Carol’s Mom reminds her she needs to do her homework.  *I don’t want you getting bad grades just because your Dad is worm food*  (Joel)    Carol urges Mike to take her back to cave, but he has to borrow wheels again.  The rest of the teen gang has to practice their music.  They convince the janitor (Hank Patterson, AKA Fred Ziffel from Green Acres) to open the locked gym doors.  The band begins playing.  More kids come in….and begin dancing.   *Geez, I hate this music”  (Crow as the spider)  *I got eight legs, I wanna dance* (Servo as the spider).  Someone screams and the spider is on the move.  The janitor calls the Prof. and is eaten by the spider  *Mr. oh-my-god-crunch-crunch, speak up*  (Joel as the Prof.).  The Prof. urges his wife and baby to stay home.  Another *pivotal scene* has Mike and Carol walking back into the cave.  Back to the city, the spider is wreaking havoc on the community.  There are various shots of people trying to escape.  *IT’S THE SPECIAL EFFECTS SIREN*  (Crow)  The Sheriff, on the phone, complains about being cut off.  *By more bartenders than I can count* (Servo)  The law enforcement officers try to get  more artillery, and the deputy rides off on a motorcycle becoming a *deputycicle*  (Crow)  The sweep of the streets show bodies laying around and a child crying.*Tonight’s episode…We are gathered here to DIE*  (Servo)  The sheriff spots a citizen named Jake driving through the streets.  Jake is evacuating and has HAD IT.  *You know if Jake has had it, it must really be bad* (Joel)   The spider (obviously graying) taps on a window.  *I love this bit.  DING DONG, Avon Calling*  (Crow).  Since it is the Prof’s house that the spider is visiting, he rams into the spider with his car.  He gets it to follow him back to the cave, unbeknownst to him that Mike and Carol are there.  The teens are still looking for her bracelet.  *The spider is either missing or he’s dead* (Crow)  After a tedious SEARCH scene, the bracelet is finally found and they start heading back out of the cave.  The spider enters.  The sheriff still can’t make a long distance call.  The Prof. hauls in the deputy’s body.  They plan to blow up the cave.  Mike’s Dad is remains behind, manning the phones.  Joe (the car owner) calls and reports that his vehicle hasn’t returned, thus enlightening Mike’s Father that he and Carol are in the cave.
HOST SEGMENT
Joel introduces the bots to Creepy Crawlers.  He tells them all about NON-TOXIC toys and how fun toys have been taken off the market because of the dangers.  *Learn with the Creepy Crawler Maker, BURN with the Creepy Crawler Maker*  (Joel)

MOVIE SIGN
Mike and Carol are having trouble getting out of the cave and are getting hungry.  It so happens the spider is also getting hungry.  The posse arrives at the cave again with all the explosives.  *Break out the cocktail weenies*  (Servo)  The explosives are about ready.  *Well surely, they’ll see our car at the entrance* (Joel as Carol)    The dynamite goes off..and they finally realize the kids are still in there.  *First they want us to close the cave, then they want us to open the cave*  (Servo)   They send Mike’s Dad to get some wire.  Mike and Carol are under the rubble.  *I really got stoned last night*  (Servo)    Mike and Carol reach the blocked cave opening.  They start yelling.  *Be heard, be understood, and be pleasing* (Crow)  The spider is still rumbling about.  The Prof. suggests using electrodes.  Who knew??  This became a real-life lab experiment from the school lesson.  Mike and Carol are tenuously scaling the cave walls.  Rescue workers break through.  *all night long plaque works on your teeth*  (Servo)  The sheriff and the Prof go into the cave.  Mike says, “IT’S THEM”  *Oh no..NOT THEM….NOT THE BIG ANTS*  (Crow)
The Sheriff and Prof. finally reach Mike and Carol.  *Hey professor, does this count as a lab?*  (Joel)  They get the two out and blow up the cave.  The parents are reunited with their kids.  The spider is dead and buried.  *When in New Mexico, visit Carlsbad Caves.  No bombs, we promise* (Joel)  The movie is mercifully over.
HOST SEGMENT
The bots had homework.  Servo had to trace the themes of Bert I. Gordon movies.  Crow had to write the Autobiography of Bert I. Gordon.  He compares the movies of Gordon and Orson Welles with many similarities.  Joel is not fooled…Crow did not do his homework.  Switch to the Mads; Frank is sick because he ate the entire phone.  Dr. F prepares an injection, but Frank hurls all over the  place.  Time to get some sawdust.

Have fun this Halloween season, watch some old scary movies, Trick or Treat with your kids, or just dress up as you hand out candy.  You can even indulge in some low budget delicacies from Bert I.  Gordon and the crew from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!






No comments: