Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 7: EARTH vs. THE SPIDER

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 7:  Earth vs. the spider

Happy Halloween everyone!!!  Oh, I know that we have a few weeks to go, but the month of October is a TOTAL, NON-STOP, TAKE-NO-PRISONERS celebration in our house.  We begin with the ceremonial “EATING OF THE CANDY CORN”, then the house is decorated, and finally we watch Horror/Sci-Fi/Thriller movies ALL MONTH LONG!! *insert WOO HOO here*  In our home, we are no respecter of persons when it comes to these genre movies.  We watch everything from the SUBLIME to the RIDICULOUS…and, at times, we watch worse.  In conjunction with the October Couch Potato Film Festival held at the Attack of the B-Movie Monsters Yahoo Group, we meticulously log our viewing choices to see WHO is the biggest Couch Potato.  Mind you, this is a hard fought title, and one must train for months on end to be prepared for the top spot on October 31^st.  Yours truly has never reached the ultimate goal; however, the dip in my couch cushion (much like the rings on a tree) is indicative of the commitment it takes to be Top Spud.  Nonetheless, I try valiantly each and every year as do others.  If you feel you are up to the task, please join us!  I DARE YOU!!

Now, what Halloween season would be complete without the inclusion of the “BIG BUG” movie?  NONE, OF COURSE!!  During MST3K’s decade-long run, there were many experiments that included gigantic animals, insects, and even PEOPLE.  Once again, this month, we give attention to one of the gang’s favorite film-makers, Bert I. Gordon.  Instead of a buxom ghost haunting a lighthouse, we will see the machinations of a spider who lives in a cave, EARTH VS. THE SPIDER.  The title itself has a bit of a misnomer within it.  It wasn’t exactly the ENTIRE EARTH involved here, but a rural community in ANYTOWN, USA. 

Grab a can of Raid, a favorite snack, and let’s unravel the very tangled web of Bert I. Gordon’s EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1956)

Directed by
Bert I. Gordon

Writing credits
László Görög		(screenplay) (as Laszlo Gorog) and
George Worthing Yates		(screenplay)
Bert I. Gordon		(story)

Cast (in credits order) verified as complete

	Ed Kemmer	...	Professor Art Kingman
	June Kenney	...	Carol Flynn
	Eugene Persson	...	Mike Simpson (as Gene Persson)
	Gene Roth	...	Sheriff Cagle
	Hal Torey	...	Mr. Simpson
	June Jocelyn	...	Mrs. Jack Flynn
	Mickey Finn	...	Sam Haskel, Road Foreman
	Sally Fraser	...	Mrs. Helen Kingman
	Troy Patterson	...	Joe
	Skip Young	...	Sam the Bass Player
	Howard Wright	...	Jake
	Bill Giorgio	...	Deputy Sheriff Pete Sanders
	Hank Patterson	...	Hugo the River Falls H.S. Janitor
	Jack Kosslyn	...	Mr. Fraser, Camera Club Teacher
	Bob Garnet	...	Springdale Pest Control Man
	Shirley Falls	...	Switchboard Operator
	Bob Tetrick	...	Deputy Sheriff Dave
	Nancy Kilgas	...	Dancer
	George Stanley	...	Man in Cavern
	David Tomack	...	Power Line Foreman
	Merritt Stone	...	Jack Flynn, Carol's Dad

HOST SEGMENT

The show opens with Crow hosting a talk show called “Inside the Robot’s Mind” with Servo as his guest.  As expected the two bots goof around so much the show never really gets started.  Magic Voice has to intervene for Commercial Sign and Joel has to chastise them because The Mads’ light had been flashing for some time.  We head to Deep 13, TV’s Frank is an operator for the Cheese Phone.  Joel is upset because they stole HIS idea for the phone, dating back to the late 1970’s.  Joel’s invention exchange is a CD Player/Blow Dryer combo featuring the music of John Tesh.  Dr. F. tells Frank to push the button on the cheese phone, but Frank ate all the buttons.

MOVIE SIGN

The runtime of the movie is 73 minutes, THEREFORE, we open with at short called SPEECH:  USING YOUR VOICE.  The short teaches us how to be better public speakers.  I’m not sure how the host’s (Professor E.C. Buehler) profession as Director of Forensics helps us here, but it does.  We go through several vignettes of horrid speakers and what they can do to speak more intelligently.  Professor Buehler gives us tips throughout the short on the three points to “good speaking”  and the gang retorts in kind.  First you must be HEARD, then you must be UNDERSTOOD, and finally you must be PLEASING.  *Do I please you?  Do you find me pleasing?*  (Crow)  The riffs in this VERY amusing short are fast and furious and I would fill up pages trying to tell you about it.  PLEASE look it up on YouTube, you will be glad you did.

The opening credits on EVTS have a spider web backdrop *Hey Charlotte, it spells out a word* (Crow) Crow also asks if Jack WEBB is in this movie.  Servo recites the *No spiders were harmed* disclaimer and that *one spider died of old age and we have letters from two doctors* to verify it.  The movie opens with ANOTHER Merritt Stone sighting!  He is driving down the road .  *Let me tell you about myself.  I drive a truck, I’m butt-ugly, and I hate spiders* (Servo)  He soon meets his fate.  *I’m guessing the movie is not about him*  (Servo)  The scene switches to the next day and we meet Mike and Carol (NO, NOT BRADY).  Today is Carol’s birthday and Mike gives her a present.  Carol doesn’t open the gift and Mike wants to know why.  *I’ll have to return it first* (Joel).  Carol explains her father is missing and Mike tries to console her … without success.  It appears her father is a bit of a drinker and it isn’t that unusual for him to be gone.  Carol protests and heads into school.  We all meet in chemistry class with Prof. Art Kingman (Ed Kemmer).  He is talking about negative and positive poles *Lech Walesa?*  (Crow)  Mike and Carol are passing notes and the Prof.  calls them out.  *Shame High School, what a burn*  (Joel)  Mike and Carol borrow a car to look for her father.  They drive up to something in the road and Mike asks what it is.  *That’s just a dead fath-!  A dead father?? –sobs-* (Servo)  Turns out, it is a *bat rope*  (Joel) or a *giant dreadlock* (Crow).  Of course, WE KNOW it is a spider web.  They find glass on the road and the gift that Carol’s Dad was to give her *Dear Carol, I’m Dead.  ENJOY!!* (Crow)  The two teens spot a crashed truck.  Coincidentally (or not) it is the SAME truck Carol’s Dad was driving.  *The spider stripped the truck for parts!* (Joel).  Mike determines her Dad must be okay.  *Good thing he was just thrown through the windshield*  (Crow) 

HOST SEGMENT

We are introduced to Crow’s cinematic endeavor, a screenplay called EARTH VS. SOUP.  He implores the others to read through the script.  The title’s purpose seems to escape Joel and Servo who want to know *WHY SOUP?*  They have to read the script and find out about Soup mixed with Uranium 235.  The terror of the script evolves quickly as the people get attacked by soup *on all fours*  (Crow)  *Soup….on all FOURS???*  (Servo)  Yeah, what did you think?  Soup is a biped??* (Crow)  Servo and Crow commence discussions on the backstory.

MOVIE SIGN

Mike spots THE CAVE and they go exploring DESPITE THE KEEP OUT SIGN. *Danger, weak plot ahead.  This means you.* (Joel)  Mike wants to go in alone, but Carol soon follows.  *Oh!  I broke a heel, carry me!*  (Crow)  *It’s Carol’s Dad’s Caverns* (Joel) *They walked to Arizona* (Servo)  *Boy, your Dad sure found a great cave to die in* (Servo, as Mike)  EVENTUALLY…the two teens stumble upon some skeletal remains.  *Hi Carol, did you get my present?* (Servo, as a skeleton)  Both of them fall into a web…a sticky icky web.  Noises begin.  We see our large villain *ah it’s just a process shot, honey* (Joel).  They escape the cave, bringing back with them a bit of web.  They use this to try and convince people that there is a giant spider milling about.  Professor Kingman calls the police.  The sheriff scoffs.   They decide to round up a spider posse which includes the bug-killing DDT.  The sheriff still mocks.  The posse enters the cave.  *I suppose you’re going to tell me this is a cave.*  (Crow, as sheriff)  *AH!  I broke a heel, carry me* (Joel, as sheriff)  Mike and Carol lead them to the spider.  *Hey, this music wasn’t here before* (Crow)   *Look for a dried guy in a silk bag, pass it down* (Crow, as the sheriff).  The group finally finds Carol’s Dad.  *No, that’s Rose Kennedy* (Joel)   The sheriff still is an unbeliever, until he finds the web.  *Get that DDT PDQ, you S.O.B*  (Joel)  The spider does NOT like it, people die.  *He died as he lived….with jelly on his face* (Servo)

Everyone leaves the cave and Carol has dropped her bracelet.  The sheriff gives orders to board up the cave.  The Prof.  wants to figure out HOW the spider got that way.  The sheriff wants no part of it.

HOST SEGMENT

The gang forms the group SPYDOR.  Arguments ensue about the coolness of KISS, and the knowledge that mentioning EMERSON, LAKE, and PALMER causes Gypsy  to hurl.  A high school janitor (Mike Nelson) appears from outer space to clean-up with sawdust.  Joel wonders what a high school janitor has to do with anything.

MOVIE SIGN

The Prof. brings the spider back to the high school and they house it in the Gym.  Cut to Carol crying and her Mother comes to console her.  *I don’t get it.  Daddy’s dead and everyone’s making jokes* (Joel)  Carol’s Mom reminds her she needs to do her homework.  *I don’t want you getting bad grades just because your Dad is worm food*  (Joel)    Carol urges Mike to take her back to cave, but he has to borrow wheels again.  The rest of the teen gang has to practice their music.  They convince the janitor (Hank Patterson, AKA Fred Ziffel from Green Acres) to open the locked gym doors.  The band begins playing.  More kids come in….and begin dancing.   *Geez, I hate this music”  (Crow as the spider)  *I got eight legs, I wanna dance* (Servo as the spider).  Someone screams and the spider is on the move.  The janitor calls the Prof. and is eaten by the spider  *Mr. oh-my-god-crunch-crunch, speak up*  (Joel as the Prof.).  The Prof. urges his wife and baby to stay home.  Another *pivotal scene* has Mike and Carol walking back into the cave.  Back to the city, the spider is wreaking havoc on the community.  There are various shots of people trying to escape.  *IT’S THE SPECIAL EFFECTS SIREN*  (Crow)  The Sheriff, on the phone, complains about being cut off.  *By more bartenders than I can count* (Servo)  The law enforcement officers try to get  more artillery, and the deputy rides off on a motorcycle becoming a *deputycicle*  (Crow)  The sweep of the streets show bodies laying around and a child crying.*Tonight’s episode…We are gathered here to DIE*  (Servo)  The sheriff spots a citizen named Jake driving through the streets.  Jake is evacuating and has HAD IT.  *You know if Jake has had it, it must really be bad* (Joel)   The spider (obviously graying) taps on a window.  *I love this bit.  DING DONG, Avon Calling*  (Crow).  Since it is the Prof’s house that the spider is visiting, he rams into the spider with his car.  He gets it to follow him back to the cave, unbeknownst to him that Mike and Carol are there.  The teens are still looking for her bracelet.  *The spider is either missing or he’s dead* (Crow)  After a tedious SEARCH scene, the bracelet is finally found and they start heading back out of the cave.  The spider enters.  The sheriff still can’t make a long distance call.  The Prof. hauls in the deputy’s body.  They plan to blow up the cave.  Mike’s Dad is remains behind, manning the phones.  Joe (the car owner) calls and reports that his vehicle hasn’t returned, thus enlightening Mike’s Father that he and Carol are in the cave.

HOST SEGMENT

Joel introduces the bots to Creepy Crawlers.  He tells them all about NON-TOXIC toys and how fun toys have been taken off the market because of the dangers.  *Learn with the Creepy Crawler Maker, BURN with the Creepy Crawler Maker*  (Joel)

MOVIE SIGN

Mike and Carol are having trouble getting out of the cave and are getting hungry.  It so happens the spider is also getting hungry.  The posse arrives at the cave again with all the explosives.  *Break out the cocktail weenies*  (Servo)  The explosives are about ready.  *Well surely, they’ll see our car at the entrance* (Joel as Carol)    The dynamite goes off..and they finally realize the kids are still in there.  *First they want us to close the cave, then they want us to open the cave*  (Servo)   They send Mike’s Dad to get some wire.  Mike and Carol are under the rubble.  *I really got stoned last night*  (Servo)    Mike and Carol reach the blocked cave opening.  They start yelling.  *Be heard, be understood, and be pleasing* (Crow)  The spider is still rumbling about.  The Prof. suggests using electrodes.  Who knew??  This became a real-life lab experiment from the school lesson.  Mike and Carol are tenuously scaling the cave walls.  Rescue workers break through.  *all night long plaque works on your teeth*  (Servo)  The sheriff and the Prof go into the cave.  Mike says, “IT’S THEM”  *Oh no..NOT THEM….NOT THE BIG ANTS*  (Crow)

The Sheriff and Prof. finally reach Mike and Carol.  *Hey professor, does this count as a lab?*  (Joel)  They get the two out and blow up the cave.  The parents are reunited with their kids.  The spider is dead and buried.  *When in New Mexico, visit Carlsbad Caves.  No bombs, we promise* (Joel)  The movie is mercifully over.

HOST SEGMENT

The bots had homework.  Servo had to trace the themes of Bert I. Gordon movies.  Crow had to write the Autobiography of Bert I. Gordon.  He compares the movies of Gordon and Orson Welles with many similarities.  Joel is not fooled…Crow did not do his homework.  Switch to the Mads; Frank is sick because he ate the entire phone.  Dr. F prepares an injection, but Frank hurls all over the  place.  Time to get some sawdust.

Have fun this Halloween season, watch some old scary movies, Trick or Treat with your kids, or just dress up as you hand out candy.  You can even indulge in some low budget delicacies from Bert I.  Gordon and the crew from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 6: TORMENTED

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 6:  TORMENTED

Ah…September, candy corn has hit the stores, summer is stubbornly giving way to autumn, and I start to turn my attention and unrelenting focus to Halloween.  This is the time of the year where I barrel through ALL my scary movies—both good and bad.  Fortunately for this movie-lover, there is PLENTY of bad to go around.  One of the Kings of making “movies-so-bad-they’re-good” is none other than Bert I. Gordon.    In fact, EIGHT of Gordon’s movies were the targeted experiments through the show’s run.   TORMENTED’s story circles around a love triangle, a lighthouse, and a ghost that haunts the “hero”, Tom Stewart.  Now, unlike many of the actors in the MSTied movies, the lead actor (Richard Carlson) was in an Oscar-nominated movie.  He was a supporting actor in William Wyler’s THE LITTLE FOXES (1941) starring Bette Davis and Herbert Marshall.  He was actually quite good as the young journalist, David Hewitt.  He also starred in CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE.  Both movies are Sci-Fi favorites in our household.  His supporting cast includes a bit of nepotism from the Gordon household.  Susan Gordon is the daughter of the infamous B.I.G.  Eleven year-old Susan plays nine-year old Sandy. 

Please join me as we are TORMENTED!

Cast (in credits order)

	Richard Carlson	...	Tom Stewart
	Susan Gordon	...	Sandy Hubbard
	Lugene Sanders	...	Meg Hubbard
	Juli Reding	...	Vi Mason
	Joe Turkel	...	Nick, The Blackmailer
	Lillian Adams	...	Mrs. Ellis
	Gene Roth	...	Mr. Nelson, lunch stand operator
	Vera Marshe	...	Mrs. Hubbard (as Vera Marsh)
	Harry Fleer	...	Frank Hubbard
	Merritt Stone	...	Clergyman
	George Stanley
	Dick Walsh
	Leslie Thomas

HOST SEGMENT

The bots have set up housekeeping in one of the SOL’s air ducts.  Joel is frantically sweeping up everything as it is being dropped from above because the bots are making such a mess.  “Joel, we LIKE you; we just can’t live with you.” (Crow).  Servo has to “go” and subsequently falls from the duct.  At this moment, Joel hears Gypsy’s voice above him….Gypsy, being a…..shall we say, PLUS-size robot has NO business being in the frail construction of an air duct.  Crow and Gypsy come crashing down. 

We switch over to Dr. Forrester and he is in a GOOD mood.  This mood is attributed to TV’s Frank taking a nasty fall, and a drapery-cleaning coupon in the mail.  Oh, and the fact that the Mariner’s won.

The invention exchange begins with Joel and the bots showing and telling about the FAMILY REUNION SEE & SAY.  Pull the string and it will land on any dysfunctional relative present at many family reunions.  This one is a fun one to pull out even at the holidays.  Dr. F.’s exchange (Frank is a model) is called THE DRINKING JACKET with large pockets to “hide the booze”.  It comes complete with the DT’s.  Joel proclaimed it as the “sickest thing they have ever done.”

MOVIE SIGN

 Opening scene gets the Gilligan’s Island tag music over the Richard Carlson monologue.  We meet jazz musician Tom Stewart (Carlson) in a lighthouse trying to break up with his blousy EX-girlfriend, Vi (or “SIX” as Joel called her).  Tom is going to marry someone else and Vi is not pleased.  As Tom says “good-bye”, she warns him that she still has his “letters” and will let the NEW girlfriend know about them.  We hear very little detail about these letters; and can only assume that they enclosed the rest of the alpha characters to finish her name.  She does snidely remark about showing the letters to a lawyer.  “Oh, like there’s never been a sex scandal in jazz before” (Servo).  Vi leans back on the rickety lighthouse rails and the junk in her trunk overwhelms it.  She pleads for Tom to save her…but he doesn’t.  “Miss Johnson, send in another fiancé” (Crow).  Next, we see Tom scanning the beach with binoculars.  “ooh gee, she really came apart on the rocks” (Joel).  He spots something and swims out to it.  He brings back what appears to be Vi’s lifeless body.  “Catch a wave, and you’re sittin’ on top of a girl” (Trio).  Immediately she is covered in seaweed.  “EWWW, she’s turning into a Caesar’s salad!”  (Joel).  Next, runs in our Child Irritant of the movie, Susan Gordon as the perky little Sandy.  She squeeks a bunch of annoying questions, and finds a watch in the ocean.  It’s Vi’s.   “And it’s still ticking!  I’m John Cameron Swayze for Timex” (Crow).    Tom takes it from her and rationalizes his actions.  “It’s her OWN fault she died” (Servo).  He decides to re-enter the lighthouse.  “Honey, I’m ho----oh yeah, you’re dead.”  (Crow).   He begins rationalizing more and throws the watch off the top.  He hears footsteps and new girlfriend, Meg, walks up.  Meg suddenly smells perfume…let the haunting begin! 

As the two leave the lighthouse and walk along the beach, the trio begins a running bit of record collections very prominent in the 1970’s.  The commercials would feature many of the Top 40 hits of the day, released under the “Sessions” compilation.  During the movie, they begin with “Sessions Presents” and quickly sing many of the top songs of the day.  This is particularly hilarious to me, as I think I have one or two of those compilation albums in my collection. 

As the two stroll, another set of footsteps follows them and only Tom sees them.   Tom and Meg have a spat.  Tom and Sandy have another irritating scene where Sandy proclaims Tom could marry her if her sister, Meg is still angry.  Tom calls her the “other” woman.  “Put her down Jerry Lee.”  (Joel) 

HOST SEGMENT

Crow and Servo are talking politics while Joel is cleaning the air duct and removing the Crunch Berries.  Joel falls and pleads for the bots to help him.  The bots negotiate terms.  The bots are hungry and leave Joel hanging.

MOVIE SIGN

Tom Stewart is practicing at the piano.  Suddenly one of Vi’s records, the aptly named TORMENTED, starts playing.  After picking up and moving it from the record player, it begins playing again.  “Alright, Allen Funt, where are you?”  (Joel).  Enter the blind landlady, Mrs. Ellis.  She spins tales of other haunting.  “Their dog piddled on the carpet and I evicted them.”  (Servo).  Mrs. Ellis knows something is bothering Tom.  That night, Tom is restless and has nightmares.  “I pledge allegiance to the flag, hallowed be thy name” (Crow).  Vi’s ghost appears...and is TORMENTING him.    “I’ve got a headache this big and it’s got Bert I. Gordon written all over it” (Joel).  Tom wakes up.  “Damn!  I’m STILL a crappy musician” (Servo).  Tom runs out to the lighthouse.  Loud jazzy, orchestra music plays.  “Nelson Riddle, keep it DOWN!”  (Servo).  Tom recites his “I’m-not-scared-of-you” speech.  He makes his way to the piano again.  “Of all the lighthouses in the world, she had to fall off of mine” (Crow as Bogart).  Sandy enters his apartment, Tom promptly offers Coke in the fridge.  “And there’s a mirror on the table” (Servo).  Tom Stewart wants Sandy to help mend things with Meg.  Sandy plays “Chopsticks” and proclaims she’d get married tomorrow if she could meet someone like Tom.  Vi’s HAND floats through the air.  “The ghost of Senor Wencis.”  (Servo).   Tom freaks out and sends Sandy on her way.

Tom and Meg make up.  This scene is so long, the trio could rip about a half-dozen songs into the segment.  Meg makes post-wedding plans but she wants Tom to see her wedding gown.

HOST SEGMENT

The trio decides to plummet singers to their death by dropping them off the top of a lighthouse:  Kenny Rogers, Loggins & Messina, Dr. Hook, Jonathon Edwards, Michael Bolton, The Manhattan Transfer, Starland Vocal Band, Anne Murray are all victims. 

MOVIE SIGN

Tom and Meg see all the wedding gifts.  Vi comes a haunting.  Crow begins a Sandy tantrum.  The grown-ups drink.  MEG SCREAMS as her dress is covered in seaweed.  Next day, Mrs. Ellis brings Tom honey “OR it might be motor oil” (Crow).  Tom begins to partially tell his story.  SANDY INTERRUPTS AGAIN...  Mrs.  Ellis leaves.  “Ann B. Davis as Mrs. Longstreet” (Joel).  Mrs. Ellis decides to go into the lighthouse and begins conversing with Vi.  “Better unpack another body bag” (Joel).  She pleads with Vi to leave Tom alone.  Vi is having none of it.  “This place sounds real nice; I love what I think you’ve done with it” (Crow).  Mrs. Ellis has a near tragedy at the top of the lighthouse.  “Yeah the dog is downstairs checking the want ads” (Joel). 

Meg’s father comes home.  He starts ragging on Tom.  Next scene has Sandy squeaking for Tom at the lighthouse.  “She sounds like a baby seal” (Joel) “It’s the Gorton’s Fisherman's babies” (Servo).  Sandy is interrupted by the boat captain (aka Nick, the Blackmailer) that brought Vi over.  He begins interrogating him about Tom.  “MMMM...my memory is a little fuzzy; grease my palm with a sawbuck.”  (Crow).

Nick finds Tom and begins his beatnik blackmail routine.  Tom pleads ignorance.  He wants his bread.  For those of you born after 1980, that means “money”.  Tom pays him off to get him to leave.

Mrs.  Ellis heads to an outdoor restaurant and Sandy is there.  Mrs. Ellis orders egg salad but says there are no eggs because the hen stopped lying.  That happened the last time someone died.   “PLOT POINT PLOT POINT PLOT POINT” (Trio).  They begin talking about the wedding and Nick shows up.  He crashes the rehearsal and demands more money.  “Seems like a really nice guy, just wish he wasn’t blackmailing me” (Joel).

The next scene brings us to the pre-wedding party.  Vi haunts this too.  He sees Sandy wearing Vi’s watch; Tom gets paranoid.  A photographer begins taking pictures.  Vi’s head shows up in one of them.  Tom freaks out.  “Well the camera DOES add ten pounds” (Servo).  Meg wants to see the picture; Vi has disappeared.  After the party Meg and Sandy engage in sister talk.  “He imagines things that are not so.”  “Oh like Macbeth” (Servo).

Next day, To m is at the piano.  “I write the songs that make the something-something” (Servo).  Vi comes to visit.  Well, her head anyway.  “Wow you’ve lost a lot of weight” (Servo).  She starts guilt talk about her death.  “Well, they have nice hairstylists in the after-life” (Servo).  Vi chants the tag line and stinger for the movie:

TOM STEWART KILLED ME!!!!!

Tom wraps her head in a towel and goes outside.  He drops it down the outer steps and it rolls to Nick’s feet.

HOST SEGMENT

Tom and Crow’s heads are on the counter.  Gypsy screams.  The bots chant, “JOEL ROBINSON KILLED US!”  The bots claim they are dead, but Joel is having none of it.  Joel takes their bodies offstage, and Crow and Servo bicker amongst themselves. 

MOVIE SIGN

Joel reassembles the bots and they re-enter the theater.  The blackmailing scheme is still going.  “Welcome to dialogue dumping ground” (Crow).    Meg sees them walking to the lighthouse.  Nick wants “FIVE THOU”.  “-sand dollars” (Joel).  Vi tells Tom to kill Nick.   “I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks.  I do, I do, I do.”  (Servo).  Tom says he will not pay him…then Tom hits Nick over the head.  “Either this guy is dead or my watch has stopped” (Servo).   Tom did not know his “little conscience” (Sandy) was at the top of the lighthouse stairs and knows everything.  “Jim Henson’s Witness Babies” (Joel).

Sandy is moping while everyone is getting ready for the nuptials.  We switch to the church and Tom is in a tempered freakout mode as Sandy walks in.  “You can buy my silence, Tom” (Crow).  Organ music commences.  “And once again, there is NO SMOKING in your Metrodome” (Crow).  The minister (played by MSTie favorite, Merritt Stone) is padding his part.  Vi enters with a vengeance; flowers die.  “EWW, B.O.”  (Joel)  “Whew I would hate to have to sit down next to that ghost” (Crow).  Tom heads back to the lighthouse.  “Open the door for your Mystery Date” (Servo).  Sandy follows him and accuses him.  “I’m wearing a wire, Tom” (Crow).  “You’re gonna fry Stewart, and I’m going to be there to flip the switch” (Crow).  “Sandy, how would you like to bungee jump without the bungee” (Crow).  “Look, Tom, I’ve gotta friend in the D.A.’s office.  If I don’t show up, they check the lunchbox” (Crow).

Meg’s family decides that the missing Sandy must’ve gone to the lighthouse.  Tom escorts Sandy up the lighthouse stairs.  “Alfred Hitchcock’s VERTIGO babies” (Servo).  “Look, if I disappear, there’s a crayon drawing going to my lawyer” (Crow).  Vi is lurking and scares Tom off the rails.  Sandy screams.  “Sessions Presents FACES of DEATH” (Servo).  Both bodies wash up.  The END.  “OR IS IT” (Joel).

HOST SEGMENT

The trio recites, “It’s only a movie”…and start crying over how bad the movie was.  They start thinking of good things, especially Lysol.  They start singing a “happy song”.  TV’s Frank starts singing the happy song as well, but he’s singing about Dr. F.’s death and how he will be friends with the bots.  Dr. Forrester drops a grenade.  “POOPIE” (Frank).  Explosion.

This movie is for everyone:  horror movie fan, love story fan, music fan, beach fan.  This is one of the BEST bad movies you will ever see….OR NOT.  This movie is available through Netflix Instant stream and mailer.  Gather friends and be TORMENTed together.