Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 7: EARTH vs. THE SPIDER

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 7:  Earth vs. the spider

Happy Halloween everyone!!!  Oh, I know that we have a few weeks to go, but the month of October is a TOTAL, NON-STOP, TAKE-NO-PRISONERS celebration in our house.  We begin with the ceremonial “EATING OF THE CANDY CORN”, then the house is decorated, and finally we watch Horror/Sci-Fi/Thriller movies ALL MONTH LONG!! *insert WOO HOO here*  In our home, we are no respecter of persons when it comes to these genre movies.  We watch everything from the SUBLIME to the RIDICULOUS…and, at times, we watch worse.  In conjunction with the October Couch Potato Film Festival held at the Attack of the B-Movie Monsters Yahoo Group, we meticulously log our viewing choices to see WHO is the biggest Couch Potato.  Mind you, this is a hard fought title, and one must train for months on end to be prepared for the top spot on October 31^st.  Yours truly has never reached the ultimate goal; however, the dip in my couch cushion (much like the rings on a tree) is indicative of the commitment it takes to be Top Spud.  Nonetheless, I try valiantly each and every year as do others.  If you feel you are up to the task, please join us!  I DARE YOU!!

Now, what Halloween season would be complete without the inclusion of the “BIG BUG” movie?  NONE, OF COURSE!!  During MST3K’s decade-long run, there were many experiments that included gigantic animals, insects, and even PEOPLE.  Once again, this month, we give attention to one of the gang’s favorite film-makers, Bert I. Gordon.  Instead of a buxom ghost haunting a lighthouse, we will see the machinations of a spider who lives in a cave, EARTH VS. THE SPIDER.  The title itself has a bit of a misnomer within it.  It wasn’t exactly the ENTIRE EARTH involved here, but a rural community in ANYTOWN, USA. 

Grab a can of Raid, a favorite snack, and let’s unravel the very tangled web of Bert I. Gordon’s EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1956)

Directed by
Bert I. Gordon

Writing credits
László Görög		(screenplay) (as Laszlo Gorog) and
George Worthing Yates		(screenplay)
Bert I. Gordon		(story)

Cast (in credits order) verified as complete

	Ed Kemmer	...	Professor Art Kingman
	June Kenney	...	Carol Flynn
	Eugene Persson	...	Mike Simpson (as Gene Persson)
	Gene Roth	...	Sheriff Cagle
	Hal Torey	...	Mr. Simpson
	June Jocelyn	...	Mrs. Jack Flynn
	Mickey Finn	...	Sam Haskel, Road Foreman
	Sally Fraser	...	Mrs. Helen Kingman
	Troy Patterson	...	Joe
	Skip Young	...	Sam the Bass Player
	Howard Wright	...	Jake
	Bill Giorgio	...	Deputy Sheriff Pete Sanders
	Hank Patterson	...	Hugo the River Falls H.S. Janitor
	Jack Kosslyn	...	Mr. Fraser, Camera Club Teacher
	Bob Garnet	...	Springdale Pest Control Man
	Shirley Falls	...	Switchboard Operator
	Bob Tetrick	...	Deputy Sheriff Dave
	Nancy Kilgas	...	Dancer
	George Stanley	...	Man in Cavern
	David Tomack	...	Power Line Foreman
	Merritt Stone	...	Jack Flynn, Carol's Dad

HOST SEGMENT

The show opens with Crow hosting a talk show called “Inside the Robot’s Mind” with Servo as his guest.  As expected the two bots goof around so much the show never really gets started.  Magic Voice has to intervene for Commercial Sign and Joel has to chastise them because The Mads’ light had been flashing for some time.  We head to Deep 13, TV’s Frank is an operator for the Cheese Phone.  Joel is upset because they stole HIS idea for the phone, dating back to the late 1970’s.  Joel’s invention exchange is a CD Player/Blow Dryer combo featuring the music of John Tesh.  Dr. F. tells Frank to push the button on the cheese phone, but Frank ate all the buttons.

MOVIE SIGN

The runtime of the movie is 73 minutes, THEREFORE, we open with at short called SPEECH:  USING YOUR VOICE.  The short teaches us how to be better public speakers.  I’m not sure how the host’s (Professor E.C. Buehler) profession as Director of Forensics helps us here, but it does.  We go through several vignettes of horrid speakers and what they can do to speak more intelligently.  Professor Buehler gives us tips throughout the short on the three points to “good speaking”  and the gang retorts in kind.  First you must be HEARD, then you must be UNDERSTOOD, and finally you must be PLEASING.  *Do I please you?  Do you find me pleasing?*  (Crow)  The riffs in this VERY amusing short are fast and furious and I would fill up pages trying to tell you about it.  PLEASE look it up on YouTube, you will be glad you did.

The opening credits on EVTS have a spider web backdrop *Hey Charlotte, it spells out a word* (Crow) Crow also asks if Jack WEBB is in this movie.  Servo recites the *No spiders were harmed* disclaimer and that *one spider died of old age and we have letters from two doctors* to verify it.  The movie opens with ANOTHER Merritt Stone sighting!  He is driving down the road .  *Let me tell you about myself.  I drive a truck, I’m butt-ugly, and I hate spiders* (Servo)  He soon meets his fate.  *I’m guessing the movie is not about him*  (Servo)  The scene switches to the next day and we meet Mike and Carol (NO, NOT BRADY).  Today is Carol’s birthday and Mike gives her a present.  Carol doesn’t open the gift and Mike wants to know why.  *I’ll have to return it first* (Joel).  Carol explains her father is missing and Mike tries to console her … without success.  It appears her father is a bit of a drinker and it isn’t that unusual for him to be gone.  Carol protests and heads into school.  We all meet in chemistry class with Prof. Art Kingman (Ed Kemmer).  He is talking about negative and positive poles *Lech Walesa?*  (Crow)  Mike and Carol are passing notes and the Prof.  calls them out.  *Shame High School, what a burn*  (Joel)  Mike and Carol borrow a car to look for her father.  They drive up to something in the road and Mike asks what it is.  *That’s just a dead fath-!  A dead father?? –sobs-* (Servo)  Turns out, it is a *bat rope*  (Joel) or a *giant dreadlock* (Crow).  Of course, WE KNOW it is a spider web.  They find glass on the road and the gift that Carol’s Dad was to give her *Dear Carol, I’m Dead.  ENJOY!!* (Crow)  The two teens spot a crashed truck.  Coincidentally (or not) it is the SAME truck Carol’s Dad was driving.  *The spider stripped the truck for parts!* (Joel).  Mike determines her Dad must be okay.  *Good thing he was just thrown through the windshield*  (Crow) 

HOST SEGMENT

We are introduced to Crow’s cinematic endeavor, a screenplay called EARTH VS. SOUP.  He implores the others to read through the script.  The title’s purpose seems to escape Joel and Servo who want to know *WHY SOUP?*  They have to read the script and find out about Soup mixed with Uranium 235.  The terror of the script evolves quickly as the people get attacked by soup *on all fours*  (Crow)  *Soup….on all FOURS???*  (Servo)  Yeah, what did you think?  Soup is a biped??* (Crow)  Servo and Crow commence discussions on the backstory.

MOVIE SIGN

Mike spots THE CAVE and they go exploring DESPITE THE KEEP OUT SIGN. *Danger, weak plot ahead.  This means you.* (Joel)  Mike wants to go in alone, but Carol soon follows.  *Oh!  I broke a heel, carry me!*  (Crow)  *It’s Carol’s Dad’s Caverns* (Joel) *They walked to Arizona* (Servo)  *Boy, your Dad sure found a great cave to die in* (Servo, as Mike)  EVENTUALLY…the two teens stumble upon some skeletal remains.  *Hi Carol, did you get my present?* (Servo, as a skeleton)  Both of them fall into a web…a sticky icky web.  Noises begin.  We see our large villain *ah it’s just a process shot, honey* (Joel).  They escape the cave, bringing back with them a bit of web.  They use this to try and convince people that there is a giant spider milling about.  Professor Kingman calls the police.  The sheriff scoffs.   They decide to round up a spider posse which includes the bug-killing DDT.  The sheriff still mocks.  The posse enters the cave.  *I suppose you’re going to tell me this is a cave.*  (Crow, as sheriff)  *AH!  I broke a heel, carry me* (Joel, as sheriff)  Mike and Carol lead them to the spider.  *Hey, this music wasn’t here before* (Crow)   *Look for a dried guy in a silk bag, pass it down* (Crow, as the sheriff).  The group finally finds Carol’s Dad.  *No, that’s Rose Kennedy* (Joel)   The sheriff still is an unbeliever, until he finds the web.  *Get that DDT PDQ, you S.O.B*  (Joel)  The spider does NOT like it, people die.  *He died as he lived….with jelly on his face* (Servo)

Everyone leaves the cave and Carol has dropped her bracelet.  The sheriff gives orders to board up the cave.  The Prof.  wants to figure out HOW the spider got that way.  The sheriff wants no part of it.

HOST SEGMENT

The gang forms the group SPYDOR.  Arguments ensue about the coolness of KISS, and the knowledge that mentioning EMERSON, LAKE, and PALMER causes Gypsy  to hurl.  A high school janitor (Mike Nelson) appears from outer space to clean-up with sawdust.  Joel wonders what a high school janitor has to do with anything.

MOVIE SIGN

The Prof. brings the spider back to the high school and they house it in the Gym.  Cut to Carol crying and her Mother comes to console her.  *I don’t get it.  Daddy’s dead and everyone’s making jokes* (Joel)  Carol’s Mom reminds her she needs to do her homework.  *I don’t want you getting bad grades just because your Dad is worm food*  (Joel)    Carol urges Mike to take her back to cave, but he has to borrow wheels again.  The rest of the teen gang has to practice their music.  They convince the janitor (Hank Patterson, AKA Fred Ziffel from Green Acres) to open the locked gym doors.  The band begins playing.  More kids come in….and begin dancing.   *Geez, I hate this music”  (Crow as the spider)  *I got eight legs, I wanna dance* (Servo as the spider).  Someone screams and the spider is on the move.  The janitor calls the Prof. and is eaten by the spider  *Mr. oh-my-god-crunch-crunch, speak up*  (Joel as the Prof.).  The Prof. urges his wife and baby to stay home.  Another *pivotal scene* has Mike and Carol walking back into the cave.  Back to the city, the spider is wreaking havoc on the community.  There are various shots of people trying to escape.  *IT’S THE SPECIAL EFFECTS SIREN*  (Crow)  The Sheriff, on the phone, complains about being cut off.  *By more bartenders than I can count* (Servo)  The law enforcement officers try to get  more artillery, and the deputy rides off on a motorcycle becoming a *deputycicle*  (Crow)  The sweep of the streets show bodies laying around and a child crying.*Tonight’s episode…We are gathered here to DIE*  (Servo)  The sheriff spots a citizen named Jake driving through the streets.  Jake is evacuating and has HAD IT.  *You know if Jake has had it, it must really be bad* (Joel)   The spider (obviously graying) taps on a window.  *I love this bit.  DING DONG, Avon Calling*  (Crow).  Since it is the Prof’s house that the spider is visiting, he rams into the spider with his car.  He gets it to follow him back to the cave, unbeknownst to him that Mike and Carol are there.  The teens are still looking for her bracelet.  *The spider is either missing or he’s dead* (Crow)  After a tedious SEARCH scene, the bracelet is finally found and they start heading back out of the cave.  The spider enters.  The sheriff still can’t make a long distance call.  The Prof. hauls in the deputy’s body.  They plan to blow up the cave.  Mike’s Dad is remains behind, manning the phones.  Joe (the car owner) calls and reports that his vehicle hasn’t returned, thus enlightening Mike’s Father that he and Carol are in the cave.

HOST SEGMENT

Joel introduces the bots to Creepy Crawlers.  He tells them all about NON-TOXIC toys and how fun toys have been taken off the market because of the dangers.  *Learn with the Creepy Crawler Maker, BURN with the Creepy Crawler Maker*  (Joel)

MOVIE SIGN

Mike and Carol are having trouble getting out of the cave and are getting hungry.  It so happens the spider is also getting hungry.  The posse arrives at the cave again with all the explosives.  *Break out the cocktail weenies*  (Servo)  The explosives are about ready.  *Well surely, they’ll see our car at the entrance* (Joel as Carol)    The dynamite goes off..and they finally realize the kids are still in there.  *First they want us to close the cave, then they want us to open the cave*  (Servo)   They send Mike’s Dad to get some wire.  Mike and Carol are under the rubble.  *I really got stoned last night*  (Servo)    Mike and Carol reach the blocked cave opening.  They start yelling.  *Be heard, be understood, and be pleasing* (Crow)  The spider is still rumbling about.  The Prof. suggests using electrodes.  Who knew??  This became a real-life lab experiment from the school lesson.  Mike and Carol are tenuously scaling the cave walls.  Rescue workers break through.  *all night long plaque works on your teeth*  (Servo)  The sheriff and the Prof go into the cave.  Mike says, “IT’S THEM”  *Oh no..NOT THEM….NOT THE BIG ANTS*  (Crow)

The Sheriff and Prof. finally reach Mike and Carol.  *Hey professor, does this count as a lab?*  (Joel)  They get the two out and blow up the cave.  The parents are reunited with their kids.  The spider is dead and buried.  *When in New Mexico, visit Carlsbad Caves.  No bombs, we promise* (Joel)  The movie is mercifully over.

HOST SEGMENT

The bots had homework.  Servo had to trace the themes of Bert I. Gordon movies.  Crow had to write the Autobiography of Bert I. Gordon.  He compares the movies of Gordon and Orson Welles with many similarities.  Joel is not fooled…Crow did not do his homework.  Switch to the Mads; Frank is sick because he ate the entire phone.  Dr. F prepares an injection, but Frank hurls all over the  place.  Time to get some sawdust.

Have fun this Halloween season, watch some old scary movies, Trick or Treat with your kids, or just dress up as you hand out candy.  You can even indulge in some low budget delicacies from Bert I.  Gordon and the crew from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ten Turkeys for Turkey-Day Viewing… [w/ Senior Correspondent Bobbie Culbertson]

[Ed. Note:  For only the second time here in the Crypt, we’ll be presenting a co-authored piece, a cooperative effort between our Senior Correspondent Bobbie and me.  Though her reviews are a regular part of the Unimonster’s Crypt, and her research talents and vast knowledge of bad movies are frequently called upon as I write these articles, this will be the first time we actually share a by-line.  I can say, however, that it certainly won’t be the last.]

Thanksgiving may be the one holiday thus far immune from the predations of the Horror genre.  Halloween, of course, is a given.  Christmas has been thoroughly exploited by genre filmmakers, as has St. Patrick’s Day, April Fool’s Day, and every month fortunate enough to have the 13^th fall upon a Friday.  Valentine’s Day has been explored, as has birthdays, graduation days, prom nights, and Independence Day.  One could stretch a point and say Easter has had its Horror film, in the form of thousands of giant carnivorous bunnies on the rampage in NIGHT OF THE LEPUS.  Even First Communion isn’t safe, as Brooke Shields discovered in 1976’s ALICE, SWEET ALICE.

So why should the quintessential American holiday, a day wherein we commemorate the first year’s survival of the pilgrims in the New World with non-stop bouts of football and eating, be sacrosanct?  Why shouldn’t we have killer pilgrims hacking their way through nubile young cheerleaders, or a 200-ft. tall turkey attacking the Detroit Lions?  Why should Thanksgiving Day be different from every other holiday on the calendar?

Sadly, except for Eli Roth’s fake trailer, THANKSGIVING DAY, produced for the Robert Rodriguez-Quentin Tarantino film GRINDHOUSE, it is different.  And until the Unimonster’s Crypt branches out into independent film production, it’s likely to stay that way.  However, there is a solution for those horror fans that’d prefer to have some turkey on their television screens, as well as their plates.

It should come as no surprise that those of us at the Unimonster’s Crypt have a soft spot (right between our eyes…) for bad movies.  I don’t mean Uwe Boll-got-a-new-xBox-bad movies, or Hugh Grant-Reese Witherspoon so-sickly-sweet-you’ll-need-insulin-bad movies.  I mean the kind of bad movies that were shot on a four-figure budget, and look it.  The type of bad movie that made Ed Wood, Ray Dennis Steckler, Brad Grinter, and Larry Crane legends among those who love bad movies.  In short, those movies that define the phrase, “so bad they’re good.”

 So, while we may not be able to bring you the spectacle of Turkzilla stomping his way through the Motor City, there are some turkeys that we can recommend for your Thanksgiving viewing, ten movies that are truly so bad that they’re good.  They have a charm, a quality that overcomes their shoddy production values, poor acting, and inept direction.  In fact, their entertainment value is due to these factors, rather than in spite of them.

So here are ten turkeys for Turkey Day, all trussed up and ready for roasting.  They are badly done, there’s no denying that.  But they are also, for the most part, entertaining—and that’s as equally hard to deny.

THE GIANT CLAW (1957)—Any discussion of bad movies must include this film, featuring what might be the most ridiculous creature since Donnie Dunagan in SON OF FRANKENSTEIN.  Looking like a cross between a vulture and a turkey, as envisioned by Sid and Marty Kroft, the movie’s namesake monster inspired gales of laughter whenever visible on-screen and when it wasn’t the inept screenplay, lifeless direction, and wooden acting (from a usually dependable cast of veterans) changes the laughs into groans.

What rescues this movie from the same obscurity that buried so many similar films of the era is the fact that it’s so unintentionally funny.  The poster’s depiction of the creature doesn’t match the actors’ descriptions of the creature, which doesn’t match the creature’s on-camera image.  That image itself is so ludicrous that it is impossible to take it seriously—the first moment it’s seen transforms the film into the rankest form of camp comedy.  Not to everyone’s taste, to be sure—but hilarious nonetheless.

ROBOT MONSTER (1953)—Undoubtedly one of the worst films of all time, once again made comically entertaining by the absurd look of the eponymous creature, the lead agent of an alien race who has exterminated the entire human race—save for a group of eight individuals who were somehow immune to the fatal beams of the ‘Calcinator’.  Ro-Man, the invader charged with the conquest of Earth, tries to eradicate these survivors, but is hampered by the fact that he has fallen in love with Alice, the young and pretty female survivor.

The “Great Guidance,” the leader of the Ro-Man race, comes to Earth to oversee the final stage of the extinction of the human race, chiding the first Ro-Man for his failure to complete his mission.  The Great Guidance completes the assignment, wiping out humanity, only to have the entire movie revealed to be a young boy’s dream, a’la INVADERS FROM MARS.  Though even by 1950’s B-movie standards this cannot be considered a “good” film, it was still a very profitable one, earning more than $1 million at the box-office.

It’s hard to peg just what makes this movie enjoyable, despite the innumerable flaws it displays.  The acting is incredibly bad, on virtually the entire cast’s part.  Especially worthy of note are the leads, George Nader and Claudia Barrett, who play Roy and Alice.  Though the performances on the whole are at the level of a suburban dinner theater troupe, these two would aspire to be that good.  Combined with a totally preposterous script and Phil Tucker’s nonexistent direction, you have all the ingredients of a truly horrible movie, one devoid of any redeeming qualities.  However, if that were the case, then it wouldn’t be on this list.  Every movie that can be described as “so-bad-it’s-good” has some innate quality, some indefinable …something, that makes fans love it, and that holds true for ROBOT MONSTER as well.

Perhaps it’s the sheer cheapness of the production, reportedly filmed on a budget of only $16,000.  The paucity of money comes through in every frame of the movie, apparent in the lack of sets and the slapdash look of the few props used.  The most obvious sign of the lack of funds is the absurd look of Ro-Man himself.  Unable to afford the robot costume originally envisioned, the producers simply gave up, slapping a cheap plastic space helmet on top of a man (George Barrows) in an ape suit.  Even that was an exercise in economy—the suit belonged to Barrows.

It might also have something to do with the unintentionally comedic dialogue, delivered with enough inappropriately dramatic emphasis to reduce the viewer to peals of laughter.  It could be the liberal use of stock footage, along with scenes lifted from other films (including some rather anachronistic dinosaurs).  It might even be the strange mention in the opening credits of the “N. A. Fischer Chemical Products” company, manufacturer of the “Billion-Bubble” machine, which formed the basis of the Ro-Man communications device.  Most likely it was a combination of these factors that have cemented this movie’s cult status in the hearts of it’s fans, and it’s place in movie history.

BEGINNING OF THE END (1957)—Other than the name “Bert I. Gordon,” how much needs to be said about this, arguably the worst of the 1950’s Giant Bug films?  The story isn’t terrible; certainly no more so than that for TARANTULA or THE BLACK SCORPION, and the acting is on a similar level with those films.

Peter Graves and Peggie Castle aren’t great, or even good, in the roles of generic rescuing scientist Ed Wainwright and generic damsel in distress Audrey Aimes—but I’ve seen worse, and they do well enough with the material provided.

Bert Gordon’s direction is no better than it has to be, and is often not even that, but fans of his films are familiar with his level of incompetence, and accept it readily.  He did have a unique style that came through in his films, a quality that kept his work from being unwatchable.

What sets BEGINNING… apart from other Giant Bug films of that era however, are the special effects, effects that are laughably bad even by 1950’s B-movie standards.  From the poorly composited battle between the locusts and the Illinois National Guard, to the ridiculous rear-projection ‘grasshopper-in-a-cage’ effect used in the laboratory scenes, to shots of grasshoppers crawling on a photo of the Tribune Building, this film is a monument to bad special effects.  And ultimately, to bad filmmaking itself.

A*P*E (1976)—I must admit that I find most movies on this list, even though they’re incredibly bad, are also very enjoyable.  I’ve seen them all multiple times, and with each viewing managed to pan out one more fleck of gold from all the muck.  All, that is, except for A*P*E.

I first acquired this movie approximately ten years ago, about the same time I added ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN to my collection.  In that time I would estimate I’ve watched the latter movie between 20 and 25 times, but A*P*E no more than twice—and the second viewing was for the purpose of an article.  To say this is a bad movie is an understatement—it is nothing less than horrible, a thoroughly unwatchable piece of cinematic flotsam that must be experienced at least once by every fan of bad movies.

One might wonder how you make a movie so bad that not even the Unimonster, a man devoted to the appreciation and collection of craptacular film, can find one redeeming feature in it.  It’s not easy, but it’s also not impossible, as Paul Leder demonstrates here.

You start with a direct ripoff of KING KONG—as done by your average Korean junior high school drama class.  For your creature, use the worst looking ape suit you can find, making sure that the actor’s (and I use that term loosely) street clothes are visible underneath it.  Establish that the “ape” is 36 feet tall, yet keep varying the scale of the props and miniatures so that his size appears to be constantly changing.  Populate your cast with performers that would bring shame to an amateur production of Our Town.  Give them a script for which a 12-year-old would refuse credit.  Do that, and you’d have a start on matching the incredible, unbelievable crap factor of A*P*E.

TROLL 2 (1990)—Perhaps the worst-rated film on this list, this hodge-podge of celluloid cheese defies description.  It’s a mix of poor screenwriting, shoddy direction, and incredibly bad acting that for some reason has managed to develop a small group of very loyal fans.

The brainchild of Rossella Drudi and Claudio Fragasso (who also directed the movie under the name Drake Floyd), this crapfest was produced with the title GOBLIN, but retitled in the US to capitalize on the success (minor as it was) of the 1986 film TROLL.  This film, which bears no relation to that movie, is the story of a family who’s vacationing in the small town of Nilbog—Goblin spelled backward… get it?  Good, because that as original as the writing gets.  The family, Mom and Dad Waits, with Holly and Joshua, are due to become goblin chow, as soon as they’re properly prepared.  It seems that these are vegetarian goblins, and must first transform their prey, through the use of a magical meal, into a plant.  Why they can’t just eat a carrot is a mystery, but it’s far from the only one.  Another question that begs an answer is how in God’s name the filmmakers ever convinced someone to put up money for the production of this turd.

The acting is, unfortunately, a good match for the idiotic script.  No one stands out positively, and all are competing hard for the title of Worst Actor Ever.  Personally, my vote is for the ‘star’ of the movie, Michael Stephenson.  His performance as Joshua, who with the aid of his dead grandfather (Robert Ormsby, another contender for the Worst Ever crown…) saves his family from the goblins—or does he?

I may be in danger of overusing this phrase, but there is no way to avoid it.  This is a movie that must be seen to be believed.  I cannot make it sound as wretched as it truly is—I’m just not that good a writer.

LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD (2000)—The fifth entry in this undeservedly long-running franchise, LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD is a prime example of the late 1990’s-early 2000’s trend of Urban Horror.  A few examples of this sub-genre were excellent Horror films—TALES FROM THE HOOD and BONES among them.  Many were not.  This movie falls squarely into the latter category.

Starring Ice-T, Anthony Montgomery, Rashaan Nail, and with Warwick Davis reprising his character of a malevolent Irish elemental, this outing for the diminutive demon is a step up from the previous LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE—though that’s hardly a difficult feat.  Three rappers accidentally free a leprechaun imprisoned twenty years before by a gangster named Mack Daddy (Ice-T, who must not be concerned about typecasting).  They soon find themselves targeted by both the Leprechaun and Mack Daddy, and running for their lives.

Despite the ludicrous concept and weak script, this is a much more entertaining movie than one would think possible.  Davis attacks the part of the Leprechaun with gusto, playing the role as though he were a miniature Freddy Krueger, wisecracking his way from kill to kill.  Though this is a bad entry in a not very good franchise, there’s still plenty here for fans of bad movies to enjoy.

THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972)—In the ‘70’s and 80’s, Charles B. Pierce, an advertising executive from Texarkana, Arkansas, made a series of low-budget movies about a local “bigfoot”-type creature named the Fouke Monster.  Shot in a pseudo-documentary style and presented as fact, THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK helped fuel an interest in strange and unknown creatures such as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster.

Produced for $160,000 borrowed from a local trucking company, and with the citizens of Texarkana as cast and crew, …BOGGY CREEK is definitely low-budget, no-talent filmmaking at its best.  The photography is amateurish, the monster is hokey, and the script, what there is of it, is high school level at best.

However, there’s still that indefinable something that captivates the viewer, engaging them in the movie despite it’s flaws.  It may be the authenticity of the people and the locations.  It may be the way the narrator sells the story, as though he were reporting the 6 o’clock news.  It may simply be that, for lovers of bad movies, there are few more enjoyable than this one.

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES (1964)—Ray Dennis Steckler is a legend among those who love bad movies, and of all his films—RAT PHINK A BOO-BOO, WILD GUITAR, THE LEMONGROVE KIDS MEET THE MONSTERS—none have achieved the infamous stature that this movie, affectionately known to it’s fans as “TISCWSLABMUZ,” has.  Lost in obscurity since the 1970’s, the movie was featured in episode 812 in the eighth season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, broadcast in 1997, and a new generation of bad movie lovers were exposed to Steckler’s masterpiece.

How can one count the ways this movie is bad?  First of all, with few exceptions, if the director is also the star, the movie sucks.  Doubt me?  Two words—THE POSTMAN.  Also, any time the director casts his wife and/or girlfriend in the movie is a red flag.  Carolyn Brandt, who was Steckler’s wife at the time, starred in the film as Marge.  And let’s be honest—that title screams crappy movie in neon letters ten feet tall.

But these are just the first indicators, the ones that one can see just from looking at the poster.  Any hopes the casual filmgoer might hold that these indicators might prove false are quickly dashed with the realization that every facet of this movie is bad.  Bad acting, bad direction, a bad screenplay—nowhere is there relief from the overwhelming stink of this movie.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1958)—This movie, director Edward D. Wood’s magnum opus, is synonymous with the term “bad movie.”  Long regarded as the worst movie ever made, it’s really not that terrible.  In comparison with a truly horrendous movie such as LEGEND OF BLOOD MOUNTAIN (1965), it rates as inspired filmmaking—relatively speaking.

That’s not to say that this is by any stretch of the imagination a ‘good’ movie.  Those familiar with Wood’s work understand what they are getting when they sit down to one of his films, and with PLAN 9… that’s doubled.  The writing is atrocious, the design of the production, the sets, the props, all would embarrass a grade school Christmas pageant.  The actors should be ashamed to refer to themselves as such, and what more can be said about Ed Wood as a director?

All of Wood’s idiosyncrasies are on display here.  No one can deny that he had a style, and a vision as a director.  The style might have been crap, and the vision hallucinogenic, but he made his movies the way he wanted them made—and that’s more than many aspiring filmmakers can say.

BLOOD FREAK (1972)—The ultimate cinematic ‘turkey’, this tale of a biker named Herschell who transforms into a blood-drinking “were-turkey” after exposure to a bad batch of drugs.  The product of the twisted imagination of Brad Grinter (whose short subject BRAD GRINTER, NUDIST might be the single most disturbing film in the Unimonster’s collection—thanks Bobbie!) this movie is a bizarre exercise in cinematic crapology.

From the papier-mâché turkey head on Herschell (Steve Hawkes), to the actress who opens her eyes to watch the action after she’s supposedly been ‘killed’, to the clearly audible instructions from the director, this movie proudly proclaims its status as “Crap.”  I can’t think of a better way to cap off the Turkey Day Film Fest than with this flaming bag of poultry excrement.

So as you lean back on your couch, pants unbuttoned, tryptophan coursing through your bloodstream, lulling you into a turkey-induced slumber, pop in some of the movies on this list… and let bad movies do the same for your brain.