I Was a Teenage Werewolf (MST3K-809)
Reviewed by: S. J. Martiene
I mentioned in Experiment 1 that I was a Mom of two
teenagers. Some of the best, MSTied
movies feature the teenager and B-movie genres.
It just so happens that this month’s feature, MST3K #809
I Was a Teenage
Werewolf fits both bills perfectly. Of
course, they are SUPPOSE to be teenagers in this film, but Hollywood has an
affinity for older actors playing high schoolers; ONE of which is playing our
monster. We have it all in this
movie. There is milk-throwing, raw meat
eating, a Halloween party, bad singing, a mad scientist, and yes … a werewolf. The fact that THIS particular lycanthrope is
portrayed by none other than TV icon, Michael Landon makes this movie
interesting for riffing on so many fronts.
There are
Bonanza jokes,
Little House on the Prairie jokes, and
Highway
to Heaven jokes. There is even one riff dedicated
to a 1976 autobiographical movie Landon wrote and directed called
The Loneliest
Runner.
I have to say that since re-watching this movie, the host
segments are some of the best of the series.
With a runtime of only 76 minutes, the host segments are a bit more
detailed and really show the comedic timing and writing talents of the
gang. So enjoy, as we take you through
the exploits of 1957’s I Was a Teenage Werewolf.
HOST SEGMENT 1:
The Bots want to overthrow Mike as Captain of the ship, but
they soon learn that none of them are capable of replacing him. Crow and Tom nominate Gypsy, but she has to
run the ship. Crow has a set of creepy
crawlers in the thing-maker … and well, Servo … is Servo. He has prepared a “statement” on WHY he
cannot be Captain. This is one of my
favorites, so read on, won’t we?
“…
I cannot be Captain, for you see dear friends, I am unfit to lead other
men into battle, into space, or in a line dance. I submit that if I picked my nose for a half
an hour, my head would cave in. I’m nary
to know betwixt shinola and that other stuff.
I cannot lead because I cannot find my ass with both hands and a
flashlight … I will now open the floor to questions about my accomplishments.”
Since Servo’s concession speech is over, Mike regains his
position as Captain. Servo mocks him as
only a conceding Bot can. Pearl, Brain
Guy, and Professor Bobo are on Earth (somewhere). They are camped out and Pearl has told Mike
she is putting the crew on battery back up, disconnecting them from their main
power source. This upsets Mike greatly …
“We’ll be without power???” And then,
what follows, is the BEST Pearl Forrester line ever:
“… You know what
else? You’ll be without diapers too, you
big, huge, giant babies!! DEAL WITH
IT!!”
Pearl packs up all the gear, and sends the guys a
movie. Soon, there’s a hull breach and
Servo comes back with a face hugger.
MOVIE SIGN!
During this film, there are many parodies of the Bonanza
theme song. The movie opens with our
lycanthropic protagonist, Tony, in a schoolyard fight. Soon we see Detective Donovan (Barney
Phillips). You may remember him from the
EXCELLENT Twilight Zone episode, Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? He does what he can to calm Tony down, but he
doesn’t want to have any of it. You will
notice a high number of Richard Jewell jokes during this segment. Google him if you don’t remember what
happened at the ’96 Olympics. Anywho,
Donovan wants Tony to see a “doctor/shrink/mad scientist.” Tony disagrees and walks off with his girl. The next scene takes us home and his
Dad. Tony protests too much when Dad tries
to talk about his stubbornness. His Dad
leaves for work, chiding him NOT to eat his lamb chops raw like he did his
burgers. Tony has had enough of everyone
yapping at him all day and we see the whole premise of his demise see ….MILK
HURDLING!! (All the guys make kitty meow
sounds here) The scene switches to
Arlene’s house, where “Jabba the Husband” and the woman with “Aaron Burr’s
Hairstyle” live. They give the 50’s “talking”
to the Tony the boyfriend. Girlfriend
starts harping about the doctor again.
Now it is PARTY TIME…with vague “Kinda White” music,
innocuous pranks, great lines, and the running joke with safety dummy,
Resusi-Anne. “Ah...kids those
days!” (Crow)
HOST SEGMENT 2
Crow has a Proximity Detector to see how bad the alien life
forms are on the ship. They are all
OVER, problem is…..he had the wrong setting activated on the detector and was
measuring the humidity. They have LOTS
of humidity, by the way.
MOVIE SIGN
Back to the party…
“Elvis J. Pollard” is singing.
“We are now entering a genital-free zone.” (Servo)
The song is one of the worst ever, almost as bad as when Michael Landon
was on the TV show Hullaballoo (Google that if it is around…YIKES). After the song is over, the DUMB pranks
start. Mike: “The Carnival of Souls boyfriend.” One of the guys blows a horn in Tony’s ear …
and suddenly it’s “The Sock Hop of the Damned” (Mike). Tony slugs one of his friends and pushes down
his girlfriend. Servo laments, “I
thought it was alright if I picked a little fight, Bonanza?”
That little episode at the party lands our little
werewolf-to-be in the office of veteran B-movie actor, Whit Bissell (who was
actually in some really good films too).
Bissell’s character, Dr. Brandon also has a sidebar conscience (his
assistant played by Joseph Mell). Dr.
Brandon hypnotizes him, and he closes the session saying, “Soon…you’ll be
yourself.” “An angel, a cowboy, a
pioneer dad.” (Mike)
The kids have another gathering…but Tony is bumming. Frank (another kid) isn't pairing up with
anyone and will walk home alone.
Cut to Frank walking home ALONE. ”Ralph Fiennes IS Li’l Abner!” (Crow)
“I was a teenage werewolf snack.”
(Servo) We know Frank is TOAST he
just runs and falls and falls and runs…and well…this IS a predictable set-up in
a B-movie.
HOST SEGMENT 3
Servo hunts down face hugger and kills him. Did I mention he was heavily armed? He is going after the “beast” that has the
ship surrounded. Crow and Mike are
taking bets on how long it takes Servo to cry.
And he does cry ...singing…”Don’t Cry Out Loud,” “You’ll Never Walk
Alone,” and “(They’re Coming to) America.”
MOVIE SIGN
The movie returns and we find ourselves at the police
station, with Detective Donovan. Another
policeman walks in. This guy….NAMED GUY
Williams did not get a first billing, but he became known later playing TV’s
Zorro and Dr. John Robinson of Lost in Space.
Also, there is an introduction to Pepe, the janitor, at the police
station who wanted to look at the pictures.
Pepe knows right away, the death is caused by a werewolf. “You’re crazier than Dr. Smith!” (Servo)
Tony goes back for another session at Dr. Brandon’s. Tony is scared. “I found a leather jacket in my stool this
morning!” (Servo) Brandon keeps battling with his
assistant. Tony remains tense.
High school, high school and we have to see a girl in yucky
gym leotards. Tony talks to the
principal and he gets kudos from her. He
leaves and starts watching the gymnast.
“It’s alright if I kill a couple of kids, Bonanza!” (Crow)
He leaves the office and bells ring “Oops, he’s Johnny Depping.” (Mike)
He attacks her in front of many people then, the poor girl dies. “This is good, she caught him in the act and
she can rub his nose in it.”
(Servo) When the cops arrive, all
the kids finger Tony, but they can’t believe it. Even Dr. Brandon denies Tony could BE a
werewolf. Everyone gets a going over,
the Dad, the girlfriend, and Tony is still howling up and down the woods. “Just give him a Liv-a-snap.” (Servo)
HOST SEGMENT 4
The beast is laying GIANT alien eggs. The guys start making omelets and …well, Crow
starts designing the menu. “She’s not
around, which means she could be anywhere!”
(Servo) Suddenly Crow becomes a
restaurant critic.
MOVIE SIGN!
A search commences for Tony.
I’ll just list a series of riffs during this segment because there is no
real action to describe except for guys peering through things. “Try banging on his food dish, men.” (Mike)
“The Bernard Hermann score really heightens the tension.” (Servo)
“Looks like Paddington on a bender”
(Mike) “This werewolf is an
herbivore. Luckily, this guy’s name is
Herb.” (Crow) “Indiana Jones and his sidekick, Merle.” (Crow)
“Never let Jose Feliciano lead your search party.” (Mike)
“Sir, I think I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand.” (Mike)
“1943- An Ewok makes it behind German lines” (Servo)
Finally Tony changes back to Tony. He calls Arlene but cannot speak to her. The police want to know who called her; she
couldn't tell. “… I’ll check in with Huggy Bear.” (Servo)
Tony then returns to Dr. Brandon, who decides to put him under one more
time. “Dogs can sense bad acting.” (Servo)
Tony changes back into a wolf; this isn’t good for Whit Bissell. The cops FINALLY come in and look at the
debris field. “Wow, a werewolf that size
can really poop!” (Servo) They shoot to kill, guessing somewhere along
the line the silver bullet necessity has been covered. Tony is dead.
Whit Bissell is dead. All that is
left is for the police to cry over spilled werewolf.
The guys exit the theater and they soon see the alien has
taken over the ship. They have to
reverse the ship polarities to remove it.
This didn’t work, so they have to do the one thing they were saving that
would repulse the alien so much, it would have to leave. Mike became Adam Duritz of Counting
Crows. It worked. Once they regained control of the ship, we
see Pearl telling ghost stories around the campfire to Bobo and Brain Guy. She has them crying like little girls.
This movie is a howling good time. Seriously, it has EVERYTHING. I have seen it unriffed and riffed many, many
times and every time I laugh my butt off.
If you get the chance to see it, don’t miss it.
These following websites are invaluable for
information. Check them out, won’t we?
www.mst3kinfo.com
www.imdb.com
www.rifftrax.com
www.cinematictitanic.com
http://mst3k.wikia.com/wiki/Mystery_Science_Theater_3000_Wiki
http://mightyjackmst.com/
Recently,
Alexandra of Mancrates Gifts for Men
contacted your friendly ol’ Unimonster.
Mancrates is a site that specializes in manly gifts for manly men (so, of course they came to me, natch)—no
frou-frou wrapping paper or frilly bows … the lucky recipient of a Man Crate
gets just that, a crate and a crowbar.
The crate comes packed with a chosen assortment of everything a man
could wish for—well, almost everything.
From video games, to barware featuring your favorite team’s logo, to
enough beef jerky to carry you through any movie marathon or from the earliest
pre-game show on Sunday morning through to Chris Collinsworth’s final words
fifteen hours later, mancrates.com will box it up and ship it out. And the question that Alexandra and mancrates
wished to pose to the Unimonster was, “If you could have us crate up a kit to
help you survive in a horror film, what would it contain?” 
Most
horror fans, when posed this question, would think ‘zombie apocalypse’ and
start assembling weapons, ammo … and giant, economy sized cans of pudding. Personally, I’m going to go in another
direction. I already have weapons and
ammo, and I’m not all that crazy about pudding.
What I am crazy about is classic horror—vampires and werewolves, mummies
and monsters, ghosts and ghouls. And few
have done classic horror as well as Hammer Films. Beginning in 1957, this British studio
resurrected classic horror from the depths to which it had plunged following World
War 2, making it ‘cool’ again for a generation of movie goers..jpg)
Now,
compared to vampires, werewolves are relatively easy to kill, if one knows the
secret of how to do it. Silver bullets;
a box of fifty should be sufficient. But
not just any cartridge will suffice. I’d
like to keep things as period authentic as possible. So let’s start with a handgun that’s quintessentially
Victorian, with a bit of a ‘Steampunk’ vibe, the Webley Mk. I, chambered for
the .455 cartridge.
