Welcome to the Crypt!

Welcome to the Crypt!

Enter the Crypt as John "The Unimonster" Stevenson and his merry band of ghouls rants and raves about the current state of Horror, as well as reviews Movies, Books, DVD's and more, both old and new.

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

What's this? TWO updates to the Crypt in one month? That's right, fright-fans, the Unimonster is sending even more Halloween goodness your way! If only someone would perfect downloadable candy.....

Happy Halloween, and ... STAY SCARY!

Popular Posts

Followers

Essays from the Crypt

Essays from the Crypt
Buy the best of the Unimonster's Crypt

Search This Blog

10 September, 2011

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 6: TORMENTED

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 6:  TORMENTED


Ah…September, candy corn has hit the stores, summer is stubbornly giving way to autumn, and I start to turn my attention and unrelenting focus to Halloween.  This is the time of the year where I barrel through ALL my scary movies—both good and bad.  Fortunately for this movie-lover, there is PLENTY of bad to go around.  One of the Kings of making “movies-so-bad-they’re-good” is none other than Bert I. Gordon.    In fact, EIGHT of Gordon’s movies were the targeted experiments through the show’s run.   TORMENTED’s story circles around a love triangle, a lighthouse, and a ghost that haunts the “hero”, Tom Stewart.  Now, unlike many of the actors in the MSTied movies, the lead actor (Richard Carlson) was in an Oscar-nominated movie.  He was a supporting actor in William Wyler’s THE LITTLE FOXES (1941) starring Bette Davis and Herbert Marshall.  He was actually quite good as the young journalist, David Hewitt.  He also starred in CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE.  Both movies are Sci-Fi favorites in our household.  His supporting cast includes a bit of nepotism from the Gordon household.  Susan Gordon is the daughter of the infamous B.I.G.  Eleven year-old Susan plays nine-year old Sandy. 
Please join me as we are TORMENTED!

Cast (in credits order)
...
...
Sandy Hubbard
...
Meg Hubbard
...
Vi Mason
...
Nick, The Blackmailer
...
Mrs. Ellis
...
Mr. Nelson, lunch stand operator
...
Mrs. Hubbard (as Vera Marsh)
...
Frank Hubbard
...
Clergyman


HOST SEGMENT
The bots have set up housekeeping in one of the SOL’s air ducts.  Joel is frantically sweeping up everything as it is being dropped from above because the bots are making such a mess.  “Joel, we LIKE you; we just can’t live with you.” (Crow).  Servo has to “go” and subsequently falls from the duct.  At this moment, Joel hears Gypsy’s voice above him….Gypsy, being a…..shall we say, PLUS-size robot has NO business being in the frail construction of an air duct.  Crow and Gypsy come crashing down. 
We switch over to Dr. Forrester and he is in a GOOD mood.  This mood is attributed to TV’s Frank taking a nasty fall, and a drapery-cleaning coupon in the mail.  Oh, and the fact that the Mariner’s won.
The invention exchange begins with Joel and the bots showing and telling about the FAMILY REUNION SEE & SAY.  Pull the string and it will land on any dysfunctional relative present at many family reunions.  This one is a fun one to pull out even at the holidays.  Dr. F.’s exchange (Frank is a model) is called THE DRINKING JACKET with large pockets to “hide the booze”.  It comes complete with the DT’s.  Joel proclaimed it as the “sickest thing they have ever done.”

MOVIE SIGN
 Opening scene gets the Gilligan’s Island tag music over the Richard Carlson monologue.  We meet jazz musician Tom Stewart (Carlson) in a lighthouse trying to break up with his blousy EX-girlfriend, Vi (or “SIX” as Joel called her).  Tom is going to marry someone else and Vi is not pleased.  As Tom says “good-bye”, she warns him that she still has his “letters” and will let the NEW girlfriend know about them.  We hear very little detail about these letters; and can only assume that they enclosed the rest of the alpha characters to finish her name.  She does snidely remark about showing the letters to a lawyer.  “Oh, like there’s never been a sex scandal in jazz before” (Servo).  Vi leans back on the rickety lighthouse rails and the junk in her trunk overwhelms it.  She pleads for Tom to save her…but he doesn’t.  “Miss Johnson, send in another fiancé” (Crow).  Next, we see Tom scanning the beach with binoculars.  “ooh gee, she really came apart on the rocks” (Joel).  He spots something and swims out to it.  He brings back what appears to be Vi’s lifeless body.  “Catch a wave, and you’re sittin’ on top of a girl” (Trio).  Immediately she is covered in seaweed.  “EWWW, she’s turning into a Caesar’s salad!”  (Joel).  Next, runs in our Child Irritant of the movie, Susan Gordon as the perky little Sandy.  She squeeks a bunch of annoying questions, and finds a watch in the ocean.  It’s Vi’s.   “And it’s still ticking!  I’m John Cameron Swayze for Timex” (Crow).    Tom takes it from her and rationalizes his actions.  “It’s her OWN fault she died” (Servo).  He decides to re-enter the lighthouse.  “Honey, I’m ho----oh yeah, you’re dead.”  (Crow).   He begins rationalizing more and throws the watch off the top.  He hears footsteps and new girlfriend, Meg, walks up.  Meg suddenly smells perfume…let the haunting begin! 
As the two leave the lighthouse and walk along the beach, the trio begins a running bit of record collections very prominent in the 1970’s.  The commercials would feature many of the Top 40 hits of the day, released under the “Sessions” compilation.  During the movie, they begin with “Sessions Presents” and quickly sing many of the top songs of the day.  This is particularly hilarious to me, as I think I have one or two of those compilation albums in my collection. 
As the two stroll, another set of footsteps follows them and only Tom sees them.   Tom and Meg have a spat.  Tom and Sandy have another irritating scene where Sandy proclaims Tom could marry her if her sister, Meg is still angry.  Tom calls her the “other” woman.  Put her down Jerry Lee.”  (Joel) 

HOST SEGMENT
Crow and Servo are talking politics while Joel is cleaning the air duct and removing the Crunch Berries.  Joel falls and pleads for the bots to help him.  The bots negotiate terms.  The bots are hungry and leave Joel hanging.

MOVIE SIGN
Tom Stewart is practicing at the piano.  Suddenly one of Vi’s records, the aptly named TORMENTED, starts playing.  After picking up and moving it from the record player, it begins playing again.  “Alright, Allen Funt, where are you?”  (Joel).  Enter the blind landlady, Mrs. Ellis.  She spins tales of other haunting.  “Their dog piddled on the carpet and I evicted them.”  (Servo).  Mrs. Ellis knows something is bothering Tom.  That night, Tom is restless and has nightmares.  “I pledge allegiance to the flag, hallowed be thy name” (Crow).  Vi’s ghost appears...and is TORMENTING him.    “I’ve got a headache this big and it’s got Bert I. Gordon written all over it” (Joel).  Tom wakes up.  “Damn!  I’m STILL a crappy musician” (Servo).  Tom runs out to the lighthouse.  Loud jazzy, orchestra music plays.  “Nelson Riddle, keep it DOWN!”  (Servo).  Tom recites his “I’m-not-scared-of-you” speech.  He makes his way to the piano again.  “Of all the lighthouses in the world, she had to fall off of mine” (Crow as Bogart).  Sandy enters his apartment, Tom promptly offers Coke in the fridge.  “And there’s a mirror on the table” (Servo).  Tom Stewart wants Sandy to help mend things with Meg.  Sandy plays “Chopsticks” and proclaims she’d get married tomorrow if she could meet someone like Tom.  Vi’s HAND floats through the air.  “The ghost of Senor Wencis.”  (Servo).   Tom freaks out and sends Sandy on her way.
Tom and Meg make up.  This scene is so long, the trio could rip about a half-dozen songs into the segment.  Meg makes post-wedding plans but she wants Tom to see her wedding gown.

HOST SEGMENT
The trio decides to plummet singers to their death by dropping them off the top of a lighthouse:  Kenny Rogers, Loggins & Messina, Dr. Hook, Jonathon Edwards, Michael Bolton, The Manhattan Transfer, Starland Vocal Band, Anne Murray are all victims. 

MOVIE SIGN
Tom and Meg see all the wedding gifts.  Vi comes a haunting.  Crow begins a Sandy tantrum.  The grown-ups drink.  MEG SCREAMS as her dress is covered in seaweed.  Next day, Mrs. Ellis brings Tom honey “OR it might be motor oil” (Crow).  Tom begins to partially tell his story.  SANDY INTERRUPTS AGAIN...  Mrs.  Ellis leaves.  “Ann B. Davis as Mrs. Longstreet” (Joel).  Mrs. Ellis decides to go into the lighthouse and begins conversing with Vi.  “Better unpack another body bag” (Joel).  She pleads with Vi to leave Tom alone.  Vi is having none of it.  This place sounds real nice; I love what I think you’ve done with it” (Crow).  Mrs. Ellis has a near tragedy at the top of the lighthouse.  “Yeah the dog is downstairs checking the want ads” (Joel). 
Meg’s father comes home.  He starts ragging on Tom.  Next scene has Sandy squeaking for Tom at the lighthouse.  “She sounds like a baby seal” (Joel) “It’s the Gorton’s Fisherman's babies” (Servo).  Sandy is interrupted by the boat captain (aka Nick, the Blackmailer) that brought Vi over.  He begins interrogating him about Tom.  “MMMM...my memory is a little fuzzy; grease my palm with a sawbuck.”  (Crow).
Nick finds Tom and begins his beatnik blackmail routine.  Tom pleads ignorance.  He wants his bread.  For those of you born after 1980, that means “money”.  Tom pays him off to get him to leave.
Mrs.  Ellis heads to an outdoor restaurant and Sandy is there.  Mrs. Ellis orders egg salad but says there are no eggs because the hen stopped lying.  That happened the last time someone died.   “PLOT POINT PLOT POINT PLOT POINT” (Trio).  They begin talking about the wedding and Nick shows up.  He crashes the rehearsal and demands more money.  “Seems like a really nice guy, just wish he wasn’t blackmailing me” (Joel).
The next scene brings us to the pre-wedding party.  Vi haunts this too.  He sees Sandy wearing Vi’s watch; Tom gets paranoid.  A photographer begins taking pictures.  Vi’s head shows up in one of them.  Tom freaks out.  “Well the camera DOES add ten pounds” (Servo).  Meg wants to see the picture; Vi has disappeared.  After the party Meg and Sandy engage in sister talk.  “He imagines things that are not so.”  “Oh like Macbeth” (Servo).
Next day, To m is at the piano.  “I write the songs that make the something-something” (Servo).  Vi comes to visit.  Well, her head anyway.  “Wow you’ve lost a lot of weight” (Servo).  She starts guilt talk about her death.  “Well, they have nice hairstylists in the after-life” (Servo).  Vi chants the tag line and stinger for the movie:
TOM STEWART KILLED ME!!!!!

Tom wraps her head in a towel and goes outside.  He drops it down the outer steps and it rolls to Nick’s feet.

HOST SEGMENT
Tom and Crow’s heads are on the counter.  Gypsy screams.  The bots chant, “JOEL ROBINSON KILLED US!”  The bots claim they are dead, but Joel is having none of it.  Joel takes their bodies offstage, and Crow and Servo bicker amongst themselves. 

MOVIE SIGN
Joel reassembles the bots and they re-enter the theater.  The blackmailing scheme is still going.  “Welcome to dialogue dumping ground” (Crow).    Meg sees them walking to the lighthouse.  Nick wants “FIVE THOU”.  “-sand dollars” (Joel).  Vi tells Tom to kill Nick.   “I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks.  I do, I do, I do.”  (Servo).  Tom says he will not pay him…then Tom hits Nick over the head.  “Either this guy is dead or my watch has stopped” (Servo).   Tom did not know his “little conscience” (Sandy) was at the top of the lighthouse stairs and knows everything.  “Jim Henson’s Witness Babies” (Joel).
Sandy is moping while everyone is getting ready for the nuptials.  We switch to the church and Tom is in a tempered freakout mode as Sandy walks in.  “You can buy my silence, Tom” (Crow).  Organ music commences.  “And once again, there is NO SMOKING in your Metrodome” (Crow).  The minister (played by MSTie favorite, Merritt Stone) is padding his part.  Vi enters with a vengeance; flowers die.  “EWW, B.O.”  (Joel)  “Whew I would hate to have to sit down next to that ghost” (Crow).  Tom heads back to the lighthouse.  “Open the door for your Mystery Date” (Servo).  Sandy follows him and accuses him.  “I’m wearing a wire, Tom” (Crow).  “You’re gonna fry Stewart, and I’m going to be there to flip the switch” (Crow).  “Sandy, how would you like to bungee jump without the bungee” (Crow).  “Look, Tom, I’ve gotta friend in the D.A.’s office.  If I don’t show up, they check the lunchbox” (Crow).
Meg’s family decides that the missing Sandy must’ve gone to the lighthouse.  Tom escorts Sandy up the lighthouse stairs.  “Alfred Hitchcock’s VERTIGO babies” (Servo).  “Look, if I disappear, there’s a crayon drawing going to my lawyer” (Crow).  Vi is lurking and scares Tom off the rails.  Sandy screams.  “Sessions Presents FACES of DEATH” (Servo).  Both bodies wash up.  The END.  “OR IS IT” (Joel).

HOST SEGMENT
The trio recites, “It’s only a movie”…and start crying over how bad the movie was.  They start thinking of good things, especially Lysol.  They start singing a “happy song”.  TV’s Frank starts singing the happy song as well, but he’s singing about Dr. F.’s death and how he will be friends with the bots.  Dr. Forrester drops a grenade.  “POOPIE” (Frank).  Explosion.

This movie is for everyone:  horror movie fan, love story fan, music fan, beach fan.  This is one of the BEST bad movies you will ever see….OR NOT.  This movie is available through Netflix Instant stream and mailer.  Gather friends and be TORMENTed together.



No comments: