On April 1st, 2014 humankind’s sense
of humor was given a wonderful gift. The
National Geographic Channel and the guys from RiffTrax (Mike Nelson, Kevin
Murphy, and Bill Corbett) got together for some nature, nit-picking, and riffs
galore! I’ve always loved when the guys
voiced animals. To me, it’s
hilarious. Three shows were chosen, and
I have broken the shows into tasty nuggets so that maybe you may wish to go and
purchase the riffs (links provided at the end of the article) and ENCOURAGE NGC
to have our laughing boys do some more shows.
So without further delay, I bring you TOTAL RIFF OFF!!!
Show #1 – Killer Shrimp n’ Friends –
This show is simply a bunch of different naughty animals and their rather
enthusiastic storytellers.
KILLER SHRIMP
Karen (VERY EXCITED): Watch out when
Mantis meets mantis
Mike: Dial it back lady you’re talking
about shrimp
GEOGRAPHER’S CONE SNAIL
Narrator: it’s designed to kill fish but it can take
out people
Mike:
Vengeance for centuries of escargot-eating
HONEY BADGER
Narrator: On today’s menu lizards
hidden under the bark of the tree…
Bill:
Plus endless salad bar
The final scene with the honey badger
ends with a juvenile devouring a rodent, “Let’s see those pansies at Meerkat
Manor deal with something like this,” Mike exclaims.
MARLEY, THE THONG-EATING CAVALIER KING
CHARLES SPANIEL (I do not exaggerate)
Dr. Ehrlicman: …We did see a tag that
was protruding from her rectum
Mike:
We then discovered she was a stuffed animal
The narrator here sounds SO MUCH like
Mike, it isn't even funny … well … I guess it is particularly when one tries to
imagine Mike narrating straight-face a story about a dog who eats a teenage
girl’s thong underwear and has to have them (yeah … as in more than one)
surgically removed.
THE DUNGLOE SEAL
This is the story of Sally the Seal
who was domesticated by a kindly vet and could not readjust to a normal
life. They become really close, the vet
opens a seal sanctuary, and eventually Sally dies.
Miriam: He decided to bury Sally behind the house
Bill:
Next to Old Yeller and Bambi’s Mom.
DINO BIRD - CASSOWARY
Narrator: You don’t usually think of a bird as being a
killer…
Kevin:
Unless you’re Alfred Hitchcock.
Most of the animals were described as
“badass,” some even “bad@$$.” The
adjective was used SO often that the show could have been renamed, BAD@$$
Animals.
Respect the cassowary….
KOALA
Koala’s are lazy and disgusting,
especially the babies. I shall NOT go
into much detail here, just look up the word “pap” and that should tell you
more than you need to know about Koalas—EWWWWW.
TASMANIAN DEVIL
Karen “Doc” Halligan was the MOST
annoying of all the NatGeo narrators/spokespeople. She could have been riffed on her own.
Narrator: Tasmanian Devils steal food … even from
people.
Kevin:
They’re probably stealing from you RIGHT NOW!!
More animals get introduced during the
closing credits to Bill’s protests, “STOP INTRODUCING THINGS!!” They are so good with animal riffs, some of
my favorites.
Show #2 – Demon Bat
This show centers on a greasy-haired
guy searching for the Demon Bat in Mexico among people who do not want to be
filmed. “Also, you may not want to say
you’re hunting for a killer bat if you don’t want the entire village to point
and laugh at you.” (Kevin) “These people even have their OWN language,”
adventurer guy boasts. “It’s called
SPANISH, or something like that.”(Bill).
After some theatrics and hullabaloo
with the local shaman he makes his way to the … batcave … ahem. [ASIDE:
This show reminded me of Geraldo Rivera’s failed attempt to show what
was in one of Al Capone’s vaults. We now
return to our show.] Our hero approaches
the “monster’s lair.” “He says the same
thing when he goes to the post office.” (Mike) After going through a tortuous and arduous
journey through the cave of treacherous conditions with plenty of guano, he
shouts, “That looks like a bat!”
“Should’ve brought someone who has at least seen a bat.” (Mike) For
some reason he switches gears to go elsewhere.
Ah, those crazy Mayans and their crazy bats. Our intrepid explorer braves high water,
washed out roads, red ants, and the locals to find something … ANYTHING … that
resembles a demon bat. He gets advice
from a native. “He just gave him
directions to his crazy uncle’s machete-murder barn” (Mike).
Our traveler loses his guide, so he is
on his own. “All historical research
based on Indiana Jones movies” (Kevin).
“If he wanted to be under the shadow of some bat-like god, he should
have gone to a KISS concert.” (Bill) Twenty-one minutes into the show, we get to
see FRUIT BATS!! Our guy takes a picture
of some carvings and finally hits pay dirt, according to some knowledgeable
advisor. “This is a cave, if I were a
bat, I would live here,” he proudly states.
“If he was a bat, he’d fly straight into a bug zapper” (Bill). Finally, half-way through the show – WE SEE
THE BATS!! More … FRUIT-eating
bats. “And so we continued our search
for things we weren't really looking for.” (Bill) Our traveler interviews more scared
villagers, and they talk about attacks on people and livestock. The decision is made to set a bat trap. He
finally catches a vampire bat, with “blood on its breath.” “There’s hamburger on your breath, hypocrite.”
(Mike) He wants to learn more and there
are three more minutes of show to kill.
“I smell a hippie somewhere.” (Kevin,
as a bat) Thank goodness that horror is
over.
“Nature, it’s GROSS!!” (Kevin)
Show #3 – Guy and a Goose- This show’s
theme centers on people and animals. We go from a goose to gators to a
cadaver-seeking spaniel.
DOMINIC AND THE GOOSE
Dominic began getting stalked by a
goose, named Maria. “Turned out it was
just Val Kilmer looking for work” (Mike).
We have several minutes of guy and goose, and a music video and a park
rehab project ensue. Through all this, a
cycle wreck, and a trip to the zoo, we discover Maria is a MARIO.
Narrator: Some where this story will have a happy
ending.
Bill:
It will involve orange sauce.
GATOR RETRIEVAL
We meet a gator removal crew probably
in the Florida Everglades. “You’ll never
make a crocodile mile out of me, coppers!!” (Kevin)
“Hang on, it sounds like a Seinfeld episode is tryin’ to start” (Mike). “Still no shoes, huh?” (Bill)
“That’s what the gator is for” (Mike).
WILD HOGS
Next up is a wild hog removal team
checking traps. “Hopefully enough for
one baconator” (Kevin). The crew decides
to get more hands on. “Chasing a feral
pig, what could possibly go wrong?” (Mike)
MORE GATORS
After a brief sidetrack to raccoons,
our swamp crew returns to gators.
“Knowing alligators can kill him is what makes him a legend.” (Kevin)
“Gator-trappin’ is mostly about the laughs.” (Bill) Throughout this segment we all learn why PAUL
of the gator crew is a LEGEND. I suspect
he is also WINNING.
CADAVER DOGS: Belgian Shepherd Malinois vs. Cocker Spaniel
This segment centers on a business
specializing in training cadaver dogs used in military and law enforcement
situations and a customer, a contractor named Rodney, who has his heart set on
a particular breed.
Owner: Rodney technically likes the
Malinois, but I’m going to push a Cocker Spaniel on him.
Kevin:
And while he’s distracted by that, I’m going to slap him in the face
with a pug.
They go through different cadaver
scents (up to and INCLUDING actual body parts) to show how impressive the
spaniel (named Bullwinkle) truly is.
“We've ALL murdered here, let’s be honest.” (Kevin)
Bullwinkle gave a great performance.
“He smelt it AND found out who dealt it.” (Mike) Never
fear folks, the Rodney and Bullwinkle Show WILL go on.
All in all, I really LOVED the
RiffTrax/NatGeo collaboration on April 1st.
The shows have already aired again on NGC and are available at the links
below for $4.99 per episode. It’s
definitely worth the laughs because there is so much more than I can capture in
this article. So please check it out,
and write your cable providers, won’t you?
Thank you.
http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-1-killer-shrimp-n-friends
http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-2-demon-bat
http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-3-guy-and-goose
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