Cambot’s Voice by
S. J. Martiene
EXPERIMENT 11: attack of
the eye creatures
Here we are
halfway through the spring that thinks it is summer. So, when it is hot outside, one must stay
inside to watch movies. And watch we
must, especially when the movie is bad.
And I promise you, this is a bad one.
You have been warned. 1965’s
ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES stars no one you know, except Ethan Allen (whom
we all thought was dead), and Peter Graves…YES, Peter Graves who had the
foresight to NOT be credited in this movie.
For me, this was more like a poor man’s THE BLOB without Steve McQueen
and Helen Crump, instead replacing them with Earl Holliman and The Hair That Ate
Lover’s Lane. Still, plod through, I
must….and I did. For this you must thank
me. I SAID THANK ME, GOSHDARNIT!!!!!
Whew….I feel
better now. Enjoy!!!
Cast (in credits order)
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Stan Kenyon
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Susan Rogers
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Lt. Robertson
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Mike Lawrence
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Carl Fenton
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Old Man Bailey
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Col. Harrison
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Cpl. Culver
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Culver's Sergeant (as Tony Houston)
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(as Johnathan Ledford)
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Diner Waitress
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Harold's Girlfriend
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Man in Diner
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Elderly Detective (as
George Edgely)
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Sergeant on Guard
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rest
of cast listed alphabetically:
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Narrator of USAF Briefing
Film (uncredited)
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USAF General (uncredited)
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HOST SEGMENT
Crow and
Servo are going through their “friends” phase.
Ultimately, they decided they were not so fond of each other after
all. The Mads begin the Invention
Exchange clad with a large Ouija board power tools and accessories. They assert that all the great woodworkers
are dead. *Not a criticism* (Dr. Forester).
They try to contact Ethan Allen (cue cast list). Seriously…look at the cast list for this
movie. Joel & TB fire up the Funny
Gag Fax. Dr. Forester gets the fax
complete with a seltzer spray in the face.
In his anger, he promises to send ATTACK OF THE EYE CREATURES, which he
was going to do anyway.
MOVIE SIGN
The scene
opens with a man in a suit with a briefcase heading into some type of military
installation. The officer begins loading
the film. *If AV Geeks ruled the world*
(Joel) The opening title appears—ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES. This should set the tone for the movie from
this moment on. *Did Mel Tillis write
these titles or what?* (Joel)
A Lt.
Robertson is called in to watch the film…this dire and highly secure film. The top-secret film is narrated by the
uncredited, MSTie favorite …Peter Graves.
Alien ships (such as they are) are encircling the earth. Graves cautions of “world-wide panic.” *From a bagel?* (Crow). When the film ends, the General gives the
Lieutenant his orders and sends him back to his post. This watch post is occupied by the two
hemorrhoids in the film (like this film needs help inflicting pain). Culver and Culver’s Sergeant (as they are
billed) are doing infra-red surveillance and just happen upon the locale du
jour --- LOVER’S LANE. A girl in one
of the lovebird pairs insists they are being watched. The pair of men enjoy
their voyeur sessions and then Lt. Robertson busts them. After a scolding they go back to the
surveillance. *Joel I need a shower*
(Crow). The next scene MERCIFULLY
takes us to The White Rock Café *Where whitey comes to sing and dance*
(Crow). *Rock and Roll can lead to
meeting people with similar interest.* (Joel) *Brought to you by White
Beer. There’s a trailer park of flavor
in every bottle* (Servo). We get the
privilege of meeting two more characters, Mike and Carl. They are the typical obnoxious guys who never
get dates but extol stories of their many adventures to the uninvited
listener. This prompts Joel to apologize
for every male in the human race. After
bemoaning their failed attempts at getting dates/making money, Mike decides to
go home and Carl decides to stay out later.
Lightning flashes. *I can’t
believe I made those two* (Servo as God).
*I don’t know about you guys, but I’m rooting for THE THE EYE CREATURES*
(Crow). Carl is driving along and sees
the spaceship. Unfortunately, during
this time we also see the Lover’s Lane crowd and Culver’s Sergeant. *TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!!* (Crow) we return to Carl
showing his horror at the site. We also
temporarily get Rick-Rolled by Servo and Crow does a mean Peter Lorre
impression. The news of the spaceship
sighting gets back to The White Rock Café.
The patrons include Lt. Harrison who insists there is no such thing as
spaceships and introduction to our hero, Stan Kenyon. As the scene changes back and forth from Carl
driving around in the light of day and dark of night, we also get to meet
shotgun-wielding Old Man Bailey. OMB (as
he shall be called from here on out) hates the young people driving past his
property, and really hates those “Durn Smoochers” most of all. OMB is the most likeable character in the
film. Stan has picked up his gal
Susan. She has hair issues. *Umm your head is full* (Joel)
HOST SEGMENT
Tom Servo is
in a car and he wants to make out. Crow
screams, Gypsy has something else to do.
Magic Voice has no physical being.
Servo ponders all the questions concerning making out. Joel comes up to him. “You know sir, you ask too many
questions.” Then he plants a big kiss on
his very confused robot.
MOVIE SIGN
Carl goes
back home to wake up Mike and tell him of his discovery. Mike is not impressed with Carl’s description
of the spaceship, “It’s big and round and glows funny-like.” *No that’s the Big Boy sign* (Crow) Mike
smacks Carl upside the head. *It’s Punch
and Goofy* (Servo) Carl decides to leave Mike sleeping and head to his million
dollar venture alone. A decision that
will prove fatal, but I digress. After a
military interlude, we go back to OMB who hears the roar of Smoochers. *We join Ernest Hemingway at his home in
Ketchum, Idaho* (Servo) Susan and Stan are driving down a “dark” road. *Hard to see the road when it’s….NOON.* (Joel)
*Is her head an egg sack or for water
storage or.* (Crow) The duo run over something in the road. It’s a THE THE EYE CREATURE or *It’s beluga
caviar* (Servo) *He ran over a fungus* (Joel) *I think we killed the Michelin
Man* (Servo) The hand of the creature is
severed and it punctures the tire. The
duo walk on the really DARK road and find OMB’s place. *Hmm E. Gein* (Crow) *That looks like a nice place, let’s try the
Last House on the Left* (Joel). They
knock on the door and walk in and they call the police who, IN FINE Blob-like
fashion, do not believe Stan and Susan.
The phone dies. OMB returns with
a vengeance, runs the couple off his property, and he calls the police. Stan and Susan take another scary stroll in
the DARK. *Sure hope they don’t get a
moonburn* (Servo) Surprisingly (or not)
we switch to the nearly-forgotten character of Carl who comes upon the injured
THE THE EYE CREATURE. He covers it up
and heads to OMB’s place while the old guy is out scanning for Smoochers. Carl uses the phone (geez, no wonder the old
man is cranky) to call Mike and tell him of his discovery. Once again, Mike is not impressed. Carl tells Mike to take everything out of the
fridge because what he found is perishable.
Mike relents and they hang up. It
is at this juncture that we finally get to see Mike’s “nightgown”. Use the photo above for reference. Mike makes Sheldon Cooper look like Mr.
Universe. Mike starts to clean out the
fridge. Carl goes back to his
“discovery”. OMB returns home…crisis
averted and no shots fired. Carl is
attacked by *creamy nougat centers* (Servo)
Thus comes the end of Carl.
HOST SEGMENT
Joel and The
Bots give a tribute to Earl Holliman.
Why? Because *Earl Holliman would
have been William Shatner had there not already been one* (Joel).
MOVIE SIGN
The military
has been activated to take care of this national security situation that is
supposed to be secret. Susan and Stan
are attempting to get back to the car when they see one of THE THE EYE
CREATURES. A police car comes down the
road and they flag them down. They find
Carl’s body and the two are taken into police custody. The police bristle at the “spacemen”
story. At the police station, reports
are filed. They are accused of killing
Carl. Susan’s father enters (a city
attorney). “Don’t you want to hear about
the monster?” *NO!!!!!!!* (J&TB). The military has surrounded the
spaceship. *Come out with your eyes up!*
(Joel). We come next to the funeral
home where Carl was taken to get Susan and Stan to confess. They are shocked to see it is Carl and not
THE THE EYE CREATURE. Susan: “I saw it!!”
*With my own hair* (Servo). Stan
and Susan sneak away from the police station to go and visit the crime
scene. Prior to this, Crow tries to
leave the theatre when the voyeurs re-enter the picture. This time, however, they don’t see the love
birds, they see one of THE THE EYE CREATURES.
*Lenny and Squiggy join the Navy* (Crow). The two think they are watching a Science
Fiction movie. As Susan and Stan go to
investigate, the previously severed hand enters the police car. *Hand Christian Anderson* (Servo) Susan screams when the hand touches her
shoulder. The Bots do not understand why
they just don’t put the hand….in the glove box or her handbag. The couple visit Carl, and Carl verifies the
story with the police. The trio head to
the hot bed of activity. THE THE EYE
CREATURES try to “attack” the police car with the severed hand, but it only
results in *minor vandalism* (Servo).
HOST SEGMENT
Rip Taylor
parody full of moustaches, glitter, and bad “eye” jokes. Seriously, just find it on YouTube.
MOVIE SIGN
Mike, Susan,
and Stan arrive back at the police car with the severed hand. Mike takes a flash picture of the hand and it
disappears. THE THE EYE CREATURES are
meandering about. It is at this point we
see just how many eye creatures there aren’t.
You can see zippers and many of them only have the headpieces. *attack of the lazy eye creatures*
(Crow) *Attack of the
‘I-don’t-think-so’ creatures*
(Servo). The tension is
exhausting as the creatures flail with extreme prejudice. One of them captures Mike. Stan and Susan try to make a run for it. They make the intelligent decision to go to
OMB’s place to use the phone and try and get the police out to the scene. The police are hesitant. They decide to enlist all the friends at
lover’s lane. *When teenagers saved the
world* (Servo) The convoy slowly makes
its way into the DARK. Stan gives them
instructions. The kids turn their
headlights on and implode all the eye creatures…..and THANKFULLY, we see Mike
is safe. OMB starts firing his pistol
and the kids skedaddle away.
HOST SEGMENT
J&TB
show proof that the producers of the movie just didn’t care: especially the day/night sequences that were
confused. Next, they describe lameness
of THE THE EYE CREATURES—from their lack of powers to their lack of costumes. Then, they went through most of the
characters, and ended each example with *THEY JUST DIDN’T CARE* (J&TB) They toss it back to The Mads where Mike is
posing as the film’s director, James Buchanan.
It is determined….He just didn’t care.
I have to
tell you this was a hard movie to get through.
I think if the movie had just limited it to the kids vs. the police and
left out the military aspect, it had a shot at being enjoyable for me. HOWEVER, if they had released it that way
then the movie would have had a run time of about 43 minutes. As it stands, I guess it was the best they
could do with a $16,000 budget.
See you next
time!!!!
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