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07 May, 2012

Cambot's Voice: EXPERIMENT 11: #418 ATTACK OF THE EYE CREATURES


Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 11:  attack of the eye creatures


Here we are halfway through the spring that thinks it is summer.  So, when it is hot outside, one must stay inside to watch movies.  And watch we must, especially when the movie is bad.  And I promise you, this is a bad one.  You have been warned.  1965’s ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES stars no one you know, except Ethan Allen (whom we all thought was dead), and Peter Graves…YES, Peter Graves who had the foresight to NOT be credited in this movie.  For me, this was more like a poor man’s THE BLOB without Steve McQueen and Helen Crump, instead replacing them with Earl Holliman and The Hair That Ate Lover’s Lane.  Still, plod through, I must….and I did.  For this you must thank me.  I SAID THANK ME, GOSHDARNIT!!!!!
Whew….I feel better now.  Enjoy!!!

Cast (in credits order)
...
Stan Kenyon
...
Susan Rogers
...
Lt. Robertson
...
Mike Lawrence
...
Carl Fenton
...
Old Man Bailey
...
Col. Harrison
...
Cpl. Culver
...
Culver's Sergeant (as Tony Houston)
(as Johnathan Ledford)
...
Diner Waitress
...
Harold's Girlfriend
...
Man in Diner
...
Elderly Detective (as George Edgely)
...
Sergeant on Guard
rest of cast listed alphabetically:
...
Narrator of USAF Briefing Film (uncredited)
...
USAF General (uncredited)


Courtesy of www.imdb.com

HOST SEGMENT
Crow and Servo are going through their “friends” phase.  Ultimately, they decided they were not so fond of each other after all.  The Mads begin the Invention Exchange clad with a large Ouija board power tools and accessories.  They assert that all the great woodworkers are dead. *Not a criticism* (Dr. Forester).  They try to contact Ethan Allen (cue cast list).  Seriously…look at the cast list for this movie.  Joel & TB fire up the Funny Gag Fax.  Dr. Forester gets the fax complete with a seltzer spray in the face.  In his anger, he promises to send ATTACK OF THE EYE CREATURES, which he was going to do anyway.
MOVIE SIGN
The scene opens with a man in a suit with a briefcase heading into some type of military installation.  The officer begins loading the film.  *If AV Geeks ruled the world* (Joel) The opening title appears—ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES.  This should set the tone for the movie from this moment on.  *Did Mel Tillis write these titles or what?* (Joel)
A Lt. Robertson is called in to watch the film…this dire and highly secure film.  The top-secret film is narrated by the uncredited, MSTie favorite …Peter Graves.  Alien ships (such as they are) are encircling the earth.  Graves cautions of “world-wide panic.”  *From a bagel?* (Crow).  When the film ends, the General gives the Lieutenant his orders and sends him back to his post.  This watch post is occupied by the two hemorrhoids in the film (like this film needs help inflicting pain).  Culver and Culver’s Sergeant (as they are billed) are doing infra-red surveillance and just happen upon the locale du jour --- LOVER’S LANE.    A girl in one of the lovebird pairs insists they are being watched. The pair of men enjoy their voyeur sessions and then Lt. Robertson busts them.  After a scolding they go back to the surveillance.  *Joel I need a shower* (Crow).    The next scene MERCIFULLY takes us to The White Rock Café *Where whitey comes to sing and dance* (Crow).  *Rock and Roll can lead to meeting people with similar interest.* (Joel) *Brought to you by White Beer.  There’s a trailer park of flavor in every bottle* (Servo).  We get the privilege of meeting two more characters, Mike and Carl.  They are the typical obnoxious guys who never get dates but extol stories of their many adventures to the uninvited listener.  This prompts Joel to apologize for every male in the human race.  After bemoaning their failed attempts at getting dates/making money, Mike decides to go home and Carl decides to stay out later.  Lightning flashes.  *I can’t believe I made those two* (Servo as God).  *I don’t know about you guys, but I’m rooting for THE THE EYE CREATURES* (Crow).  Carl is driving along and sees the spaceship.  Unfortunately, during this time we also see the Lover’s Lane crowd and Culver’s Sergeant.  *TURN IT OFF!!  TURN IT OFF!!* (Crow) we return to Carl showing his horror at the site.  We also temporarily get Rick-Rolled by Servo and Crow does a mean Peter Lorre impression.  The news of the spaceship sighting gets back to The White Rock Café.  The patrons include Lt. Harrison who insists there is no such thing as spaceships and introduction to our hero, Stan Kenyon.  As the scene changes back and forth from Carl driving around in the light of day and dark of night, we also get to meet shotgun-wielding Old Man Bailey.  OMB (as he shall be called from here on out) hates the young people driving past his property, and really hates those “Durn Smoochers” most of all.  OMB is the most likeable character in the film.  Stan has picked up his gal Susan.  She has hair issues.  *Umm your head is full* (Joel)
  


HOST SEGMENT
Tom Servo is in a car and he wants to make out.  Crow screams, Gypsy has something else to do.  Magic Voice has no physical being.  Servo ponders all the questions concerning making out.  Joel comes up to him.  “You know sir, you ask too many questions.”  Then he plants a big kiss on his very confused robot.

MOVIE SIGN
Carl goes back home to wake up Mike and tell him of his discovery.  Mike is not impressed with Carl’s description of the spaceship, “It’s big and round and glows funny-like.”  *No that’s the Big Boy sign* (Crow) Mike smacks Carl upside the head.  *It’s Punch and Goofy* (Servo) Carl decides to leave Mike sleeping and head to his million dollar venture alone.  A decision that will prove fatal, but I digress.  After a military interlude, we go back to OMB who hears the roar of Smoochers.   *We join Ernest Hemingway at his home in Ketchum, Idaho* (Servo) Susan and Stan are driving down a “dark” road.  *Hard to see the road when it’s….NOON.* (Joel)  *Is her head an egg sack or for water storage or.* (Crow) The duo run over something in the road.  It’s a THE THE EYE CREATURE or *It’s beluga caviar* (Servo) *He ran over a fungus* (Joel) *I think we killed the Michelin Man* (Servo)  The hand of the creature is severed and it punctures the tire.  The duo walk on the really DARK road and find OMB’s place.  *Hmm E. Gein* (Crow)  *That looks like a nice place, let’s try the Last House on the Left* (Joel).  They knock on the door and walk in and they call the police who, IN FINE Blob-like fashion, do not believe Stan and Susan.  The phone dies.  OMB returns with a vengeance, runs the couple off his property, and he calls the police.  Stan and Susan take another scary stroll in the DARK.  *Sure hope they don’t get a moonburn* (Servo)   Surprisingly (or not) we switch to the nearly-forgotten character of Carl who comes upon the injured THE THE EYE CREATURE.  He covers it up and heads to OMB’s place while the old guy is out scanning for Smoochers.  Carl uses the phone (geez, no wonder the old man is cranky) to call Mike and tell him of his discovery.  Once again, Mike is not impressed.  Carl tells Mike to take everything out of the fridge because what he found is perishable.  Mike relents and they hang up.  It is at this juncture that we finally get to see Mike’s “nightgown”.  Use the photo above for reference.  Mike makes Sheldon Cooper look like Mr. Universe.  Mike starts to clean out the fridge.  Carl goes back to his “discovery”.  OMB returns home…crisis averted and no shots fired.  Carl is attacked by *creamy nougat centers* (Servo)   Thus comes the end of Carl.

HOST SEGMENT
Joel and The Bots give a tribute to Earl Holliman.  Why?  Because *Earl Holliman would have been William Shatner had there not already been one* (Joel).
MOVIE SIGN
The military has been activated to take care of this national security situation that is supposed to be secret.  Susan and Stan are attempting to get back to the car when they see one of THE THE EYE CREATURES.  A police car comes down the road and they flag them down.  They find Carl’s body and the two are taken into police custody.  The police bristle at the “spacemen” story.  At the police station, reports are filed.  They are accused of killing Carl.  Susan’s father enters (a city attorney).  “Don’t you want to hear about the monster?”  *NO!!!!!!!* (J&TB).  The military has surrounded the spaceship.  *Come out with your eyes up!* (Joel).   We come next to the funeral home where Carl was taken to get Susan and Stan to confess.  They are shocked to see it is Carl and not THE THE EYE CREATURE.  Susan:  “I saw it!!”  *With my own hair* (Servo).  Stan and Susan sneak away from the police station to go and visit the crime scene.  Prior to this, Crow tries to leave the theatre when the voyeurs re-enter the picture.  This time, however, they don’t see the love birds, they see one of THE THE EYE CREATURES.  *Lenny and Squiggy join the Navy* (Crow).  The two think they are watching a Science Fiction movie.  As Susan and Stan go to investigate, the previously severed hand enters the police car.  *Hand Christian Anderson* (Servo)   Susan screams when the hand touches her shoulder.  The Bots do not understand why they just don’t put the hand….in the glove box or her handbag.  The couple visit Carl, and Carl verifies the story with the police.  The trio head to the hot bed of activity.  THE THE EYE CREATURES try to “attack” the police car with the severed hand, but it only results in *minor vandalism* (Servo).
HOST SEGMENT
Rip Taylor parody full of moustaches, glitter, and bad “eye” jokes.  Seriously, just find it on YouTube.
MOVIE SIGN

Mike, Susan, and Stan arrive back at the police car with the severed hand.  Mike takes a flash picture of the hand and it disappears.  THE THE EYE CREATURES are meandering about.  It is at this point we see just how many eye creatures there aren’t.  You can see zippers and many of them only have the headpieces.  *attack of the lazy eye creatures* (Crow)   *Attack of the ‘I-don’t-think-so’ creatures*  (Servo).  The tension is exhausting as the creatures flail with extreme prejudice.  One of them captures Mike.  Stan and Susan try to make a run for it.  They make the intelligent decision to go to OMB’s place to use the phone and try and get the police out to the scene.  The police are hesitant.  They decide to enlist all the friends at lover’s lane.  *When teenagers saved the world* (Servo)  The convoy slowly makes its way into the DARK.  Stan gives them instructions.  The kids turn their headlights on and implode all the eye creatures…..and THANKFULLY, we see Mike is safe.  OMB starts firing his pistol and the kids skedaddle away.

HOST SEGMENT
J&TB show proof that the producers of the movie just didn’t care:  especially the day/night sequences that were confused.  Next, they describe lameness of THE THE EYE CREATURES—from their lack of powers to their lack of costumes.  Then, they went through most of the characters, and ended each example with *THEY JUST DIDN’T CARE* (J&TB)    They toss it back to The Mads where Mike is posing as the film’s director, James Buchanan.  It is determined….He just didn’t care.
I have to tell you this was a hard movie to get through.  I think if the movie had just limited it to the kids vs. the police and left out the military aspect, it had a shot at being enjoyable for me.  HOWEVER, if they had released it that way then the movie would have had a run time of about 43 minutes.  As it stands, I guess it was the best they could do with a $16,000 budget.

See you next time!!!!






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