Something Weird on the Screen: The Wild, Bizarre and Wacky World of Scare-Your-Children Movies, Exploitation Shorts and Stag Films

  

[Ed. Note]  The Unimonster wishes to express his heartfelt gratitude and appreciation to Bobbie Culbertson of www.junkyardfilms.com, without whose knowledge and assistance this article would not have been possible.  As I stated many times during the writing of this piece… Thanks Bobbie, you’re the best!

As I may have mentioned a time or two (or forty …) in this column, I love cheesy movies … the cheesier, the better, especially if it cost less than the price of a new car to produce.  Give me a movie that’s the celluloid counterpart of a twenty-pound block of Velveeta®, something that could put a deathgrip on King Kong’s colon, and was done on the cheap, and you have one happy Unimonster.  And from THE BLOB to BUBBA HO-TEP, no type of film does low-budget cheese better than the Genre film—specifically the five associated genres of Horror, Sci-Fi, Mystery, Fantasy, and Exploitation.

Why is it that I enjoy these types of movies so much more than their mega-buck Hollywood blockbuster cousins?  Well, one answer is lowered expectations.  When a major studio pours $180 million into a picture, it had damn well better make me stand up and cheer; anything less is just a disappointment.  Movies such as INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY, or THE DARK KNIGHT demand huge budgets, but the finished product is well worth the filmmakers’ investment.  But when a big-budget film flops, it’s usually a disaster of biblical proportions, sometimes ending the careers of those involved.  The best-known example of this was 1980’s HEAVEN’S GATE, the boring, bloated, Box-Office bomb that sank the career of heretofore-promising director Michael Cimino.  With a budget that ballooned to five times the original estimate, and a running time that was north of three-and-a-half hours, it was Box-Office death, earning less than three-and-a-half million on a thirty-five million dollar investment.  However, when no one expects anything from a movie, it’s hard to be disappointed.

 

And that brings me to another reason for my love of cheap movies … they’re so much more entertaining.  Let’s face facts—most people go to the movies to be entertained.  Not enlightened, not educated, not indoctrinated … simply to relax and have a good time.  That’s hard to do when the director is trying to beat some socially relevant message into your head; even harder when the beating lasts for three or more hours.  There are people who enjoy that sort of thing; there are also people who prefer tofu to rib-eye.  I have little use for either sort of person.

I for one want entertainment from the movies I watch.  If I want enlightenment, I play golf.  If I want education, I read a book.  And I scrupulously try to avoid indoctrination.  All I seek from my hard-earned movie-buying dollar is a couple of hours of mindless entertainment… not a disguised thought exercise.  I don’t think I differ greatly from the average movie fan in that regard, either.  The average movie fan just wants a little something to take him or her out of their mundane, everyday existence—something that they can’t get in their normal lives.  Sometimes that’s a thrilling adventure yarn, sometimes a historical drama, and sometimes, it’s something just a little further afield.  Something strange, something unusual, something… weird.

For nearly two decades, there’s been a small company catering to those of us who share a love of the cinematic equivalent of a ripe wedge of Roquefort, movies that define the term, “So bad it’s good …”  Something Weird Video is precisely that—something weird, indeed anything weird, that has been captured on film or video.

Say you have a fondness for 1950’s vintage High School hygiene films … SWV has you covered.  You consider yourself a fan of the films of Harry Novak?  They’ve got what you’re looking for.  Need a Bettie Page or Tempest Storm stag reel for your next bachelor party?  Something Weird is the place for that, and virtually every other type of low-brow, low-class, and low-budget film you can imagine.

Founded in 1990 by Mike Vraney, SWV has grown into a major distributor of classic, and unusual, genre films.  They also specialize in the type of short films that collector’s love, but that every other distributor ignores.  Industrial films, propaganda films, educational films—name an obscure form of video, and chances are they have it in stock.  From a 1959 film produced by the Kansas State Board of Health on the dangers of Syphilis, to ‘60’s-vintage Police training films on how to spot signs of marijuana use, to a promotional film put out by Karo Syrup entitled THE ENCHANTED POT, virtually every taste and interest is catered to by the company.  But by far, their stock in trade is the good, old-fashioned, Exploitation Film.

Precursor to both the Grindhouse films of the ‘60’s and ‘70’s, and the X-Rated adult features of the ‘70’s and ‘80’s, Exploitations became big business as the silent era transitioned into sound.  A small group of producer/distributors, part con-men, part Hollywood mogul, and with a stiff measure of carnival huckster thrown in, came to dominate the Exploitation circuits, playing in dingy downtown theaters and out-of-the-way rural Drive-Ins.  Known collectively as “the Forty Thieves”, these showmen traveled the country exhibiting their films to curious crowds, always promising the raw, uncensored, unvarnished truth about a myriad of social ills, from child marriage to the dangers of sexual promiscuity and drug abuse… and delivering just enough to keep the rubes and yokels happy.

The Exploitations were the cinematic equivalent of a traveling sideshow; talk up the crowds, get them excited about whatever symptom of moral decay was the topic of that week’s film, get them to lay down their money for a ticket, and then give them pretty much what they were expecting—a little entertainment, a little skin, a little naughtiness, all wrapped up in a package that they could regard with a sense of moral outrage and indignation—while secretly wishing that they themselves could indulge in some of that naughtiness.

The kings of the Exploitation circuits made fortunes with these films, often recycling them over and over by splicing new title cards into the prints, or by trading them to other distributors in exchange for films that had already worn out their welcome on other circuits.  Names like Kroger Babb, Dave Friedman, and Dan Sonney might mean little today, but in their era, and in their arena, they were as powerful and influential as Samuel Goldwyn, Darryl F. Zanuck, or Walt Disney.  They were the moguls of Exploitation; the men who worked beyond Hollywood’s pale, creating films no “respectable” distributor would dare touch.  In the ‘40’s and ‘50’s, they, and others like them, fought for an end to censorship of motion pictures and increased freedom for filmmakers, even if ‘mainstream’ filmmakers looked down their collective nose at them.

As the ‘50’s gave way to the ‘60’s, the Exploitations began to change.  The moral message that had been such a prominent part of the “Road Show” era of Exploitation films fell by the wayside as the courts struck down, one by one, the draconian censorship laws on the motion picture industry.  Without the need to justify their more salacious or risqué content, a new breed of filmmakers, people such as Harry Novak, Doris Wishman, and Mike and Roberta Findlay began producing a new breed of Exploitation film. 

These were truly exploitative films, lacking any pretense of cultural or educational value.  From Wishman’s ‘Nudie Cuties’ to Herschell G. Lewis’ gore-filled horrors, the early ‘60’s were an explosion of new trends in movies, and those on the leading edge of those trends were the Exploitation filmmakers.  The same year that audiences were shocked by the sight of Janet Leigh dressed only in her undergarments following an afternoon tryst in PSYCHO, moviegoers in New York City’s 42^nd Street grindhouses were watching Wishman’s NUDE ON THE MOON, a Sci-Fi “epic” filmed at a Florida nudist colony.  Three years before Peter Fonda starred in the landmark film EASY RIDER, he starred in a not-so-vaguely similar movie, THE WILD ANGELS, directed by Roger Corman for American-International Pictures.

But the Exploitations would go where Hollywood dared not follow, and do so in ways that the major studios wouldn’t think of emulating.  At a time when Hollywood was still struggling to come to terms with homosexuality, racism, drug abuse, and a rapidly changing cultural landscape, the Exploitations were treating all of these topics in an open, frank manner… even if that treatment was less than honest—or flattering.  These were key themes for the “grindhouse” cinema, the infamous strip of theaters along 42^nd Street in Manhattan.  A few blocks away might be the bright lights of Broadway, but here all was darkness and shadow, and it was populated by those who shunned the light.  The grindhouses of “The Deuce,” as the strip was christened by authors Bill Landis and Michelle Clifford in their book, Sleazoid Express: A Mind-Twisting Tour through the Grindhouse Cinema of Times Square, were where the Exploitation film reached it’s zenith.  There you could find an endless variety of perversion and prurient delights… if you were willing to risk your wallet, or perhaps your life, for the experience.

While those who frequented the theaters that made up the “Deuce” profess fond memories of the experience, the truth is slightly different.  The grindhouse area was, in fact, a filthy, crime-ridden, two-by-eight block section of the city that was a breeding ground for prostitution, assault, robbery, and disease.  The only reason fans of these movies traveled to such a blighted zone was because that was the only place that you could see these films… and despite their low-quality and frequently tasteless subject matter, many of these films were worth seeking out.

New York City’s efforts to remake it’s public image led to the end of the “Deuce,” as theater after theater was razed upon the altar of ‘urban renewal’.  For the most part the fans of Exploitations weren’t displeased … with the growth of Home Video and the newfound freedom to watch whatever you might choose in the privacy of your own home, why brave the dimly-lit alleyways of 42^nd Street?  And as Hollywood’s standards changed, the line between what was “mainstream” and what wasn’t began, first to blur, then to vanish altogether.  This began as early as 1969 when an X-Rated film, John Schlesinger’s MIDNIGHT COWBOY, won the Oscar® for Best Picture.  Ironically, this film examined the lives of two Times Square hustlers played by Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman, and their struggle to survive as denizens of the “Deuce.”  This led to a spate of semi-respectable adult films—DEEP THROAT and BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR were two notable titles—that were shown in first-run theaters.  With Hollywood now free to explore many of the topics that were previously the sole province of the Exploitation filmmakers, many of them moved into the final stage in the life cycle of the Exploitation filmmaker—hardcore pornography—and the true Exploitation film died a slow, lingering death.  But the movies that made up the more than five decades of the Exploitation period haven’t died, though it was only the efforts of a dedicated few who kept the memory of these films alive, people like Mike Vraney, Bill Landis, Michelle Clifford, Dave Friedman, Harry Novak, and others who have worked to preserve these films, and history of the Exploitation Cinema.

While it’s easy to dismiss these movies as trashy, lewd, and without redeeming value, I believe that is far too harsh a judgment.  Yes, these films were trashy, designed primarily to titillate and tease their audiences … and to that, I say, “So what?”  Could not the same be said for most of the motion picture industry?  The goal of producers and distributors hasn’t changed since Edison screened his GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY in the 1900’s—to put asses in seats—at whatever ticket price the market would bear.  If the Exploitation filmmakers hadn’t given the movie-going public what they wanted, then they wouldn’t have accomplished this.  And if they hadn’t accomplished the task of selling tickets, then they wouldn’t have lasted as long as they did.  Trashy—yes.  Lewd, lascivious, exploitive, prurient, pandering, coarse, vulgar, bawdy … yes, they were all of the above.

But they were also entertaining.  Sometimes that’s good enough.  Sometimes, that’s just what you’re in the mood for.  And thanks to Mike Vraney and his Something Weird Video, we can indulge that mood whenever it strikes.  And not in some run-down, flea-ridden, rat-infested den of iniquity with a movie screen, but in the comfort of our own homes.

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: LITTLE MURDERS

Title:  LITTLE MURDERS

Year of Release—Film:  1971

LITTLE MURDERS is a little-known gem of a black comedy.  Written by Jules Feiffer as a Broadway play, it’s directed by Alan Arkin (who also has a small role as a detective).  It stars Elliot Gould as an emotionally vacant “apathist,” Marcia Rodd as his overly aggressive, positive girlfriend, Vincent Gardenia as her often-hysterical father, Elizabeth Wilson as her platitude-spouting mother, Jon Krokes as her idiot brother and “introducing Donald Sutherland as the Minister.”

Albert (Gould), a once successful photographer who now specializes in taking photos of excrement, is being beaten by a gang of thugs outside the New York apartment building of Patsy (Rodd).  She tries to break it up and is rewarded by being beaten herself as Albert calmly strolls away.  Patsy escapes and runs after Albert, who explains that this happens to him all the time and he didn’t need help because soon the thugs would tire and go away.  It seems that Albert is so passive and non-aggressive that he cannot react to life.  Patsy sees this as a challenge and decides to show Albert how to be more positive.  In addition, she sees him as a man she can mold into the perfect husband.  Against his wishes, she courts him and he goes along because he finds her “comfortable.”

Despite his protestations that he hates all thing “family,” Patsy takes him to meet her folks.  In one of the movies best moments, Albert is quizzed by Patsy’s motor-mouth father (Gardenia) as Mom (Wilson) feeds the family and spouts endless platitudes such as “it’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness” during the all-too-frequent power-outages.  Mom shows Albert a photo album of her oldest son, a war hero, who was shot outside of a bodega.  The murder remains unsolved.  The younger brother is used more as comic relief as he giggles like a child and hides in closets.  Patsy decides to marry Albert.  He goes along with it with one exception ... there must be no mention of the deity at the ceremony.

After a long and fruitless search for a minister who will marry them under Albert’s directive (and an inspired scene where the couple are harangued by a justice of the peace, played by Lou Jacobi), they settle on Sutherland, a hippy Jesus-look-alike who marries them in a ceremony filled with pop-culture ideologies (and blatantly “outs” Patsy’s closeted gay brother).  The scene ends with almost the entire wedding party beating Albert and Sutherland.  Patsy, fed up with Albert’s non-reactions, goes home with her parents.  Albert, thinking the marriage is over before it even began, packs to leave.  Patsy storms back to their apartment and demands that Albert visit his parents in Chicago to find out why he can’t fight back.

Albert’s father (John Randolph) and mother (Doris Roberts) are a strange, emotionless, book loving and seemingly friendless couple who apparently never noticed Albert’s leaving home at age 17.  As he reads them the questionnaire prepared by Patsy, at first they spout theories from various books, then become bored and visibly uncomfortable and answer the remaining questions with a deadpan “I don’t remember.”  Albert returns to Patsy and promises to try to be the kind of man she wants.  They hug.  A stray bullet comes through the window, instantly killing Patsy!

Albert moves in with Patsy’s family and becomes comatose to the extent that the father has to hand-feed him, dress him and shave him.  The family has iron shutters placed on all the windows as non-stop gunfire sounds outside.  Arkin, a paranoid nervous wreck, is perfect in the small role as the detective in charge of investigating the murders of Patsy and Patsy’s older brother.  Arkin shouts to the family that the problems of the world are it’s passive citizens who are unwilling to deal with the reality of violence.  This rouses Albert  from his stupor and he goes out and buys a rifle and brings it back to the family.  They all take turns shooting innocent pedestrians from the front room window as the Mom sighs happily and says, “It’s so nice to have the family back together again.”

The boy-meets-girl story is as simple as it is dark and morbid.  It’s the era of a violent New York City...a time of brown water, frequent power outages and the Vietnam War.  Despair and paranoia filled the air.  Therefore, it only made sense that Jules Feiffer, noted cartoonist and writer would gather those feelings into one play.  However, Feiffer’s characters are so odd that his underlying intentions are unclear.  Alan Arkin brought those characters to life but seemingly left them to their own intentions and the results are often uneven and too broad.  According to a 1 January 1971 review, Roger Ebert claims Arkin said shortly after the film opened that he had only seen the movie once in a theater and was afraid to go again because he thought the movie was a flop because there was no pattern to the audience’s laughter.  People were laughing as individuals, almost uneasily, as specific things in the movie either touched them or clobbered them.  And that is the feeling most get while watching this.  One is left with a sense of isolation, with the humor feeling akin to laughing in a funeral home.  It feels wrong but it’s the only relief one gets from the uniquely offbeat but melancholy mood.

Fox released a DVD of LITTLE MURDERS in 2004 but finding a copy may be difficult and expensive.  It is available on Netflix.  So, if you are into pitch-black comedy that is well written, passably well directed and brilliantly acted, drop it in your queue.

MSTJunkie

Bobbie's Movies to Look For: ATTACK THE BLOCK

Title:  ATTACK THE BLOCK

 

Year of Release—Film:  2011

A small group of London thugs is interrupted in the process of mugging Sam, a nurse new to their council-flat block (British for public housing) by an explosion, followed by something crashing through a near-by car.  Sam beats a hasty retreat while the gang checks out the wreck and discovers something alive and unpleasant in it.  That something claws gang leader Moses’ face, scarring him, and escapes.  These wanna-be gangstas, angry at the interruption and Moses’ injury, track it down and kill it.  Then, they parade their find through the darkened streets like some kind of smelly trophy.  And for some reason they don’t figure out until late in the film, a second wave of alien monsters—described vaguely as “gorilla-wolf-looking” creature—is out to get them!  Quite by accident, they wind up in Sam’s apartment where they find themselves uneasy allies with their previous victim against these unknown, blacker-than-black beasts with glowing fangs.

Fans of science fiction know that the bad guys always get killed by the invaders from Space.  This is where ATTACK THE BLOCK differs when we, the audience, realize that the baddies are here to stay.  Understandably hesitant to get the authorities involved, these street-smart, profanity-slinging little criminals are ready to do what they have always done—defend their turf!  Even if that turf in the gritty, grimy high-rise flats they inhabit and the littered and graffitied streets that they nightly prowl.  Armed with everything from baseball bats to Super-Soakers to swords, they face down dozens of monsters that, for some unknown reason, want them dead!

Writer and director Joe Cornish is too savvy to excuse the teen’s violent behavior or suggest we shouldn’t condemn them.  Instead, he uses them as narrative objects and allows the audience to root for their survival.  However, instead of coming off as preachy or socioeconomic savvy, ATTACK THE BLOCK is a pulse-raising thrill-ride whose near perfect construction belies its director’s first-time status.  All but one of the gang’s actors are first-timers, a couple of whom—John Boyega as Moses and Alex Esmail as Pest—shine even in the presence of the more experienced actors.  SHAUN OF THE DEAD’s Nick Frost has a secondary role as the pot dealer and adds some much-needed stoner-humor.  The sets have the claustrophobic feel of small, tight spaces and darkened hallways.  The cast is kept to a minimum giving one the feeling that these young men are all alone in their fight against this extraterrestrial menace.  The payoff is the alien monsters that are crafted in an ingenious, scary and memorable way, easily the Best Movie Monster of 2011.

This is the movie indie moviegoers have been waiting for and it deserves all the praise it’s been getting.  It’s not your typical Hollywood remake filled with all the familiar Hollywood faces.  Sure, it’s formulaic but it does the formula right.  Hopefully, viewers will get a sequel that will not be spoiled by padding or CGI-heavy monsters.  And hopefully, the remake will star John Boyega, whom, I believe, has a great future in indie film.  See ATTACK THE BLOCK.  You’ll thank me.  Four stars.

MSTJunkie

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 9: THE SHE-CREATURE

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT  10:  The She creature/

Here we are…It’s February of 2012.  I have slugged through the coldest part of winter (with no snow in the southern reaches of The Crypt I might add) and still there is the strangest feeling I have left my –with apologies to Hercule Poirot – “little gray cells” firmly back on Christmas Vacation of 2011.  This month, we are featuring MST3K #808 The She Creature. 

Be prepared for copious amounts of staring from prominent cast members, Lance Fuller (Dr. Ted Erickson) and Marla English  (hypnotized assistant to Dr. Lombardi, Andrea Talbot).

 I would also be remiss if I left out The character of “King, the dog” was played by renowned canine, Spike, who was famous for his starring role as Old Yeller and Chloe in Whatever Happened to Aunt Alice?.  This movies also casts Tom Conway and Frieda Inescort as Mr. and Mrs. Chappel.  Tom Conway was George Sanders’ brother (their voices are very similar).  He starred in The Cat People and did voiceover work in Disney’s Peter Pan and 101 Dalmations.   Frieda Inescort starred in A Place in the Sun, Pride and Prejudice, and The Letter.  I might add my surprise in seeing a man cast as the SHE creature.  Needless to say, this movie has issues.

THE SHE CREATURE Cast (in credits order)

	Chester Morris	...	Dr. Carlo Lombardi
	Tom Conway	...	Timothy Chappel
	Cathy Downs	...	Dorothy Chappel
	Lance Fuller	...	Dr. Ted Erickson
	Ron Randell	...	Police Lt. Ed James
	Frieda Inescort	...	Mrs. Chappel
	Marla English	...	Andrea Talbott
	Frank Jenks	...	Plainclothes Sgt. with Lt. James
	El Brendel	...	Olaf
	Paul Dubov	...	Johnny
	William Hudson	...	Bob (as Bill Hudson)
	Flo Bert	...	Marta
	Jeanne Evans	...	Mrs. Brown
	Kenneth MacDonald	...	Police Doctor with Prof. Anderson
	Jack Mulhall	...	Lombardi's Lawyer
	Edward Earle	...	Professor Anderson
	Luana Walters
	Paul Blaisdell	...	The She-Creature
rest of cast listed alphabetically:
	Edmund Cobb	...	Pete, the Police Sergeant (uncredited)
	Franklyn Farnum	...	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Mari Finley	...	Bit Role (uncredited)
	Bess Flowers	...	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Creighton Hale	...	Bit Role (uncredited)
	Stuart Holmes	...	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Kenner G. Kemp	...	Extra (uncredited)
	Harold Miller	...	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Felice Richmond	...	Bit Role (uncredited)
	Suzanne Ridgeway	...	Party Guest (uncredited)
	Spike	...	Dog (uncredited)

Courtesy of www.imdb.com

The feature begins with Crow screaming for Mike.  He is in a melted heap on the counter, because he misused his Thighmaster.  Mike informs Crow that he is using a THAW-master instead.  Servo pops in with a ham that he is trying to unfreeze with the THAW-master.  You guessed it!  The ham was attached to a Thighmaster.  Those crazy bots!  Meanwhile, The Brain Guys are experimenting on Bobo and Pearl is behind a (mime) force field.  She asks Mike and The Bots to set up a distraction.  M&TB call on the Nanites for help.  Ultimately, the Brain Guys’ planet blows up (this happened to Bobo’s home planet as well).

MOVIE SIGN

The movie opens with a Dr. Carlo Lombardi voice-over by the ocean.  Lombardi is a hypnotist/psychic/prophet and all around greasy guy.  *Dr. Carlo Lombardi, Yonkers* (Mike)  *We hear the Dog bark *And I, Dr. Woof-Woof Lombardi!*  (Mike)  *What’s that?  Grampa Lombardi fell down a well?*  (Crow)  There are mysterious footprints leading to a beach cottage….BUT the movie cuts to a party with the rest of the cast.  Mr. and Mrs.  Chappel discuss Dr. Lombardi’s show.  We cut back to Dr. Lombardi entering the beach cottage and all the carnage inside.  *Mayhem I can put up with, it’s the damn dust I can’t…*  (Crow)  Erickson and Dorothy (the Chappel’s daughter) walk along the beach and run into the Dog (whose name is apparently King) barking over and over.  Erickson:  He wants us to follow him.  *You think so?* (Mike).  After seeing Dr. Lombardi leaving the cottage, they follow King inside *Let me prove to you I’m not the only one who craps in the corner* (Mike)

The police are a called.  *King is The Scorpio Killer* (Mike)  Seaweed is discovered at the scene, everyone is mystified.  Switching to carnival scene and Lombardi warns a barker to stay away from Andrea (his muse).  We scroll down the show poster for Lombardi   *See his lecture series, let a smile be your calling card*  (Mike)  *Author, lecturer, choreographer* (Crow)  *Endorsed by King, the Dog* (Servo)  *I barked my ass off!  You’ll laugh, you’ll growl, you’ll pee!* (Mike)  We finally meet Andrea and she affirms her hate for Lombardi *I can’t help but thinking that was aimed at me* (Servo).  The police and Dr. Erickson (dazed by the lack of blouse on Andrea) arrive to question Lombardi.  Lombardi begins his story of the she creature, the policeman is not amused.

HOST SEGMENT

Crow shows Mike the “Tickle-Me Carlo Lombardi” doll.  Crow has full, creepy selling techniques and a jingle to  go with it.   After it is all said and done, Crow doesn’t think it is such a great idea after all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mamY1vEQaAE

MOVIE SIGN

The movie returns to breakfast at The Chappel’s home.  King is barking and we are introduced to Olaf, the “comic” cook.  Chappel and Erickson discuss Lombardi’s prognostications of a she creature.  Chappel wants to exploit him, Erickson is not buying it.  Chappel heads to Lombardi to bargain with him.  Chappel’s offer overwhelms Lombardi.  Chappel invites Lombardi to his home to perform and prognosticate about the she creature.  Lombardi predicts another death:  I feel her presence even now.  *NO PRESENTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS* (Crow)  Lombardi summons the she creature and she comes bubbling out of the ocean.  *The ocean needs Zantac* (Crow)  The carnival barker is killed and the police come after Lombardi again.  The authorities close the beach.  Chappel’s lawyer bails Lombardi out.

Next, we move to the Chappel’s party.  The festivities are full of cha-cha-ing, comic Swedes, and social tensions.  *Look familiar Mike?* (Crow).  FINALLY, Dr. Lombardi and Andrea arrive…AND the police do as well.  Dr. Lombardi begins his act with Andrea.  Lombardi:  I shall touch you and you shall be asleep.  *Oh, like every night* (Mike)  Erickson notices Andrea is trying to fight Lombardi.  Lombardi introduces Dr. Erickson as a man gins his act with Andrea.  Lombardi:  I shall touch you and you shall be asleep.  *Oh, like every night* (Mike)  Erickson notices Andrea is trying to fight Lombardi.  Lombardi introduces Dr. Erickson as a man who is trying to ‘defraud and expose him”  *No…yuck….* (the Gang) 

HOST SEGMENT

Brain Guy, Bobo, and Pearl are in the Forrester Bus riding through space.  Brain Guy is crying because his planet was destroyed.  Pearl wants to sing a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”.  There is extreme difficulty in explaining what a “round” is all about.  Suddenly, they have a blown tire and even though it makes no difference because they are in space, Bobo steps out to fix it.  Bobo plummets to the closest ground.

MOVIE SIGN

We return to Lombardi’s party act.  Erickson confirms Andrea is hypnotized.  Lombardi allows Erickson to ask Andrea questions.  Lombardi:  Now we are moving forward in time.  *It’s the year kajillion!* (Crow)  Erickson is concerned about the deepness of the trance.  *I would actually welcome a drum solo at this time* (Mike)  Lombardi summons Andrea/Elizabeth out of her body.  King enters the room and Lombardi tries to control him.  *King, you tried hard in this movie.  You just didn’t have anyone to work with*  (Crow)  Lombardi announces the she creature is about.  The party breaks up, Erickson affirms Lombardi’s power, Lombardi puts Andrea in a deeper trance.  Lombardi heads to the beach as Andrea/She Creature is about to kill Erickson.  The plot is foiled when Andrea awakes from her trance.  The next day brings more hatred from Andrea.  *You’re falling in love with me, aren’t you?* (Servo)  Lombardi puts her in a trance to tell her to resist Erickson.  *She should get a purple heart for doing this role* (Servo) 

Police Lt. James goes to Erickson’s lab to discuss Lombardi.  There is much mumbling.  The gang of doctor’s, Lombardi, Lt. James, and Andrea are together.  Lombardi sends Andrea through Time and Space.  *A dimension not of sight and sound, but of mind* (Mike)  The camera falls on Erickson *He boldly plays a guy who stands there* (Mike).  Lombardi summons the “spirit” to come out again and do tricks.  After the scientists remain unimpressed, Lombardi takes his Andrea and leaves. 

Next, we see all the money Lombardi is making for Chappel.  Chappel tries to get Lombardi to leave his home, but Lombardi won’t and he predicts more killings.  King is missing.  Lombardi and Andrea puts on show after show *Crowds of up to six applauded wildly!* (Mike)  The she creature terrorizes the beach again.  Chappel implores Lombardi to leave his home. Lombardi:  You’re an ignorant man.  *I try to keep busy…HEY!* (Mike)

HOST SEGMENT

Mike and The Bots are lauding Lance Fuller’s NON-acting method.  Mike as Lance, STILL OVERACTS in various readings.  Mike nails it reading from the WATERWORLD script.

MOVIE SIGN

Lombardi announces to Andrea that they will be leaving the country.  Lombardi:  He’ll never have you.  *Look into my upsetting moustache*  (Mike)  *Look deep into my eye bags* (Crow)  We switch to another party at the Chappel’s home.  Erickson and Andrea are walking along the beach; Lombardi follows.  King walks up to Lombardi.  *Did you bring the Frisbee* (Mike).  Lombardi commands King to go after Erickson, but it doesn’t work.  Lombardi puts on another show at the Chappel’s  house.  Andrea resists.   *Maybe if we did the wave*  (Servo)  *He’s doing all his old stuff* (Crow)  All party guests are commanded to leave.  Inexplicably, the movie cuts to Lt. James shooting the she creature, she attacks James.  James:  Lombardi was right.  *Winning isn’t everything.  It’s the only thing* (Mike)  More police arrive.  The she creature arrives at the Chappel’s home.  Mr. Chappel tries shooting, but the creature kills him as well.  The creature turns her sight on Lombardi, Andrea, and Erickson.  She goes after Lombardi.  Erickson is stunned.  * Fear, elation….what is it* (Crow) *Despair, love, joy…Tell us!*  (Crow)  *Passion concern hunger…what, Lance?*  (Crow) * Angst, apathy, gas * (Crow)   *Cold, jubilant, headachy* (Servo)  *His emotional memory is the previous scene* (Mike)  After the *Vick’s vaporub creature*  disappears, Lombardi summons Andrea awake.  The she creature disappears.  The End.  *If I ever wanted to put a movie into a stump-grinder, this is the one* (Mike)

HOST SEGMENT

M & TB discuss the ending of the movie.  They suddenly realize they can escape because Mike blew the Brain Guys’ planet.  Their try is futile when Pearl announces Brain Guy kept them from escaping…WITH HIS MIND!!  Pearl says she will keep reminding them they will NEVER ESCAPE!!  They then decide to find Bobo.

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