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Welcome to the Crypt!

Enter the Crypt as John "The Unimonster" Stevenson and his merry band of ghouls rants and raves about the current state of Horror, as well as reviews Movies, Books, DVD's and more, both old and new.

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

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01 May, 2010

Junkyardfilms.com’s Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month!: BLOOD BEACH

"Just went you thought it was safe to go back in the water...you can't get to it!"

The 1970’s and ‘80's were the big-time for sea-creatures threatening humans. First, there was "Jaws.” Following in rapid succession were "Orca", "Tentacles,” then "Piranha,” then "Piranha-Piranha". And then, there's Blood Beach.

The film opens with an old lady taking an early morning walk on a California beach with her cute little dog. Suddenly, something below the sand grabs her foot and, although she struggles mightily, she dragged down into the sand. A neighbor, Harry (David Huffman) who's swimming to his job in the Harbor Patrol, hears her cries for help but is too late to save her. Distraught, he calls the police but they don't believe his strange story.

Enter the old lady's daughter, Catherine (Marianna Hill) who, as it turns out, is Harry's ex-fiancée. Even though Harry has a significant other, sparks fly and they talk... and talk... and talk. Meanwhile, the police, headed up by Captain Pearson (John Saxon) and Sgt. Royko (Burt Young), investigate the continuing disappearances of beach-goers.

Catherine moves into her mother's house next door to Harry's house. Despite being told by a homeless bag-lady that her mother was "raped and killed" and the disappearance is a police conspiracy, she wiles away her time aimlessly searching for her mother and drawing bad art with Magic Markers. Meanwhile, the girlfriend of Harry's best friend Tod (Charles Rowe Rook), despite hearing news of the disappearances and being warned by Tod to stay off the beach, decides one night to investigate a wounded seagull. Once under the boardwalk, she's attacked by a rapist. Fighting the would-be rapist off, she crawls slowly away as the man crawls on his stomach toward her. But, just as he's about to grab her, his 'privates' are bitten off by whatever is under the sand!

Harry's girlfriend, Marie, who is a stewardess, returns from an over-seas trip. But, before she enters their house, her hat flies off onto the beach. When Marie tries to retrieve it, the sand-creature grabs her legs, dragging her into the sand, leaving no mark. Meanwhile, Harry, thinking he's been stood up by his girlfriend, walks next door to visit Catherine. It's not until the next morning, spying her hat on the beach, Harry realizes Marie has become the creature's latest victim. He treats this revelation in a "out of sight, out of mind" manner. (You'd think he could at least wait for the dead girlfriend to be cold in her grave before pursuing Catherine!)

Meanwhile, the police are stymied. Where are these people disappearing to without leaving a clue? And, why did they bother to ask the pipe-puffing Dr. Dimitrios, the coroner (Stefan Gierasch)!?! This man speaks at glacial rate! And, he's boring!

Tod, while trying to talk the homeless bag lady into leaving the beach, is the next victim. Harry and Catherine discuss this at length. Suddenly, Catharine remembers playing in the basement of a burned-out, abandoned beach hotel on the boardwalk. Exploring the basement, she discovers the partial remains of the missing people. The police decided to blow up the hotel. Dr. Dimitrios, speaking in the same monotone voice, explains painfully slowly why this is a bad idea. What if the explosion causes the creature to multiply...like cutting an earthworm in half? "Poppycock" says Captain Pearson! "We'll blow that sucker back to wherever it came from!” Of course, they plan the explosion after dark. And, sure enough, little bits of the monster falls down like snow in a snow-globe. The next morning, on the crowded beach, a mother is asking her little son if he'd like a sandwich. Turning around, she discovers he's gone! And, the beach becomes pock-marked with sand holes! The end. (Oh, Noooo! Please don't even leave an opening for a sequel!)

This so-called horror movie was totally bloodless! All the deaths were identical and after you see the first victim sucked to their death, the rest are yawningly predictable. The acting felt phoned in and the script was formulaic and plodding. The monster, revealed to be a giant sea cucumber, is only seen one time near the end of the movie. This movie did the one unforgivable thing a movie can do...IT BORED ME! IMO this is one "forgotten" movie that can stay forgotten! In a world of great sea-monster movies like "Jaws,” this remains the McDonald's Filet-O-Fish of horror movies!

Enjoy! Or not!


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