Welcome to the Crypt!

Welcome to the Crypt!

Enter the Crypt as John "The Unimonster" Stevenson and his merry band of ghouls rants and raves about the current state of Horror, as well as reviews Movies, Books, DVD's and more, both old and new.

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

From the Desk of the Unimonster...

What's this? TWO updates to the Crypt in one month? That's right, fright-fans, the Unimonster is sending even more Halloween goodness your way! If only someone would perfect downloadable candy.....

Happy Halloween, and ... STAY SCARY!

Popular Posts


Essays from the Crypt

Essays from the Crypt
Buy the best of the Unimonster's Crypt

Search This Blog

06 December, 2009

Junkyardfilms.com’s Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month!: SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY


Year of Release—Film: 1972

Our story begins with a skinny Santa in a dimestore suit, with a large sweat stain on the butt. He's sitting dejectedly in his sleigh, marooned on a Florida beach. Occasionally, he coughs out a sad "ho-ho-ho.” Apparently, his reindeer got too hot and went back to the North Pole without him. With only days to go before Christmas, he sings a "woe is me" sad song a Capella and some children from a nearby suburb hear it and come running. Hearing of his plight, they run home and bring back their pets to haul Santa out of the sand. A horse, a mule, a sheep, a cow, a pig, a guy in a gorilla suit...this suburb has some loose rules as to what one can keep as a pet! But, the sleigh stays stubbornly stuck. Santa decides to cheer up the children by telling them a story about Thumbelina.

With that, the movie takes a vertigo-inducing turn and another movie begins, complete with opening credits! "Well, the first movie was awful but at least it was short!" one may think at this point. In the second movie (shot at Pirate's World amusement park), Thumbelina, a tiny girl "not much larger than a clothes pin" runs away from home and gets lost in a forest. Its winter and Thumbelina will freeze except the kindly Mr. Mole, who feeds her and protects her, takes her in. But, a neighboring mole Mr. Digger falls in love with her and wants to marry her but she doesn't feel the same way and when spring arrives, deserts her benefactor. The End. (It actually says "the end!”)

But, you may think, what about poor Santa!?! After all, his name is first in the title! Well, just as Santa is finishing the Thumbelina story, (in fact, as the end credits are rolling!) we hear the wail of a distant siren. "What is that? What is that I hear? Where's it coming from? I hear a siren, but I don't see any fire, I don't see any smoke. Whenever there's a siren, it means there's a fire, but I don't see any smoke. That siren. Where is it coming from? Where's that sound coming from?” exclaims Santa. Could it be!?! Yes! It's the Ice Cream Bunny come to save the day (and Santa's sweat stained butt) in his antique fire engine! But, first, the Ice Cream Bunny takes a short cut through Pirate's World amusement park. Then, he kills several minutes crossing a hundred feet of beach. Finally, he arrives and greets his old friend, Santa, and offers him a ride back to the North Pole on his fire truck. With that, Santa, the Ice Cream Bunny and the fire truck disappear. Wait! What about Santa's sleigh!?! With a "POOF!" that, too, disappears. The children all wave up at the clear blue sky, supposedly saying goodbye to Santa. The End.

Wow...did that suck! Every thing about this movie is pretty bad. From the costumes to the endless kazoo playing to Santa's bad singing to the bad pacing and editing. The acting could be said to be as bad as a third grade class play except that would be an insult to third graders. But, the worst thing about this movie is the lie in the title. THERE IS NO ICE CREAM! This is, without a doubt, one of the worst movies I've sat through in my many years of bad movie viewing. If you are one of the die-hard people who swear that Ed Wood's Plan 9 from Outer Space is the worst movie ever, you haven't seen Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny!

Happy Holidays!
Enjoy! Or not!

Posted by Picasa

No comments: