Cambot’s Voice by
S. J. Martiene
EXPERIMENT 12: Godzilla vs. Megalon
Summertime….and the movie-watchin’ is easy. It is EASY especially when the temps hover
between 105 and 110. I mean, who really
wants to spend time in the outdoors when air-conditioning is much more pleasing
to us poor humans. Each summer, my boys
celebrate Kaijune and Kaijuly. During
this time of year, they watch as many Japanese monster films (RUBBER SUITS A
MUST) as they can. So, what better time
to peek in on one of MST3K treatments of said genre. Though the title plasters Godzilla as the
lead monster against villain, Megalon, he barely makes more than a cameo
appearance. Man-made robot, Jet Jaguar
is the “hero” here, Megalon the monster….and another villain played by Gigan
and the people of Seatopia. Oh yeah,
three annoying human leads in Goro, Roku, and Hiroshi (aka Rex Dart, Eskimo
Spy) are also in this film, along with the Japanese Military, and Oscar
Wilde. Confused yet? Don’t worry, you will be.
Without further delay, from 1973 (though not release in the
States until 1976), GODZILLA VS. MEGALON:
Cast
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Credited cast:
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Rokuro 'Roku-chan' Ibuki
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Emperor Antonio of Seatopia
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Lead Seatopian Agent
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Seatopian Agent
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Truck Driver (as Gen Nakajima)
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Truck Driver's Assistant
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Man from Unit 1
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Japan Special Defense Forces Chief
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Gaigan (as Kengo Nakayama)
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Rest of cast listed alphabetically:
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Antonio's Aide (Radio Operator in
White)
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Courtesy of www.imdb.com
HOST SEGMENT
In the opening segment, J&TB talk about everything they
have on the day’s show. Robert Goulet,
Moms Mabley, elephants, and silly putty are on the agenda. Crow asks about “pain”. Dr. Forester
has bandaged up Frank and laments “The Rosie Grier head is not
taking”. Joel begins his invention
exchange with one of my favorite lines:
“If you’re like me and I know I am”.
He is making homemade Halloween costumes include: The Floor of a movie theater, missing child
milk carton “Have you seen me?” (Servo), aluminum foil-over-the-head Iron Man,
and Jiffy Pop Popcorn. Dr. F has his own
costume idea as a Foosball Goalie.
Frank puts an air filter over his head and is Geordi Laforge from STAR
TREK: DS9.
MOVIE SIGN
The movie begins with a newsreel about a nuclear explosion
in the Aleutians in 1971. They then show
the effects of explosion on Monster Island .
“Whenever they test nuclear explosions, it’s the monsters who
suffer”. (Crow) Now, Godzilla is ticked off….explosions
everywhere into the opening credits. We
quickly shift to a scene of a young boy on a ridiculous watercraft and his two
male companions. SUDDENLY, there’s an
earthquake. The boy, Roku, cannot get
out of the water. The water starts to
bubble, things are desperate. “Well this
is what happens when you go into the water less than a half-hour after eating.”
(Joel) Because the male companions have
a Bat-belt (I am only guessing here), they produce a rope to shoot out to the
boy and reel him in like Today’s Catch.
“Let’s go on a picnic. We have
our food, drinks, and 50 ft. of uncoiled rope.”
(Crow) “Note to myself: Never vacation on an active volcano.”
(Crow) The waters continue to rumble and
roar while the trio looks on. They drive
off and suddenly it is night (or just very blue…one cannot say). They find their apartment has been broken
into. “OH MY GOD!! THE HUMIDIFIER COMMITED SUICIDE!!!” (Crow)
The perpetrators are still in the room and a brawl breaks out. Everyone seems to be okay….but it is hard to
tell with all the blue lighting. Male #1
(Hiroshi) races off after the perps.
“Mach a go go! Mach a go go! Mach
a go go, GO!!!” (J&TB) Goro
(the inventor) checks damage in the apartment. It seems the VERY LARGE robot in the middle
of the floor is safely intact. For some
reason, the movie felt a screech-filled chase scene was integral to the movie’s
progression. Back at the apartment, the
trio discovers some “magic rocks”. We
smoothly transition to Robot-building, the following day, and Roku riding a
self-built motorbike thingy. Goro and
Hiroshi admire the robot. “Hal is
reading your lips!” (Joel). Discussions take place about the volcanic
activity.
The movie switches between the bad guys and the male
leads. We find out here the robot has
been christened, Jet Jaguar. The bad
guys have caught up to Roku.
HOST SEGMENT
Crow and Servo are looking at pictures they aren’t supposed
to be looking at. Joel walks up and they
say they are working on their monster drawing.
Each bot tries to one-up the other’s descriptions. “My monster is as silent as tomorrow. He kills in the night. He has been ... acquainted.” (Crow)
Joel gets tired of listening to them and leaves. The bots go back to their picture-looking and
start to argue over their robot drawing stories.
MOVIE SIGN
The bad guys break in and call Seatopia. The leader of Seatopia calls for war on the
earth. He calls on Megalon. “Great he’s going to take over the world with
interpretative dance”. (Crow) With much fanfare, Megalon appears. “If Siegfried and Roy got a wake-up call, I
think it would something like this.” (Joel)
“It’s Edward Scissorhands.” (Crow)
“What a hothead.” (Servo) “He
awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.” (Servo) Back to the trio: We find Goro and Roku tied up in the back of
a truck. “I have to go to the
bathroom”. (Servo) Hiroshi
is knocked out in his apartment and the bad guys are using his equipment
to control Jet Jaguar. Hiroshi wakes up
to the bad guy (Oscar Wilde look-a-like) using his machinery. “I am going to read parts of The Picture of
Dorian Gray. I want you to be honest
about it.” (Crow) The captives free of
their bonds but are still in the truck…on their way to Seatopia. After a lame fight, Hiroshi escapes to save
his friends. “Rex Dark, Eskimo Spy” (Joel)
“Rex Dark pops the clutch and tells the thugs to eat his dust” (Crow)
“Action sequences filmed in Confuse-o-Vision” (Joel)
“Suddenly, we’re watching MANNIX”
(Crow) Mercifully, Megalon flies
up out of the ground. “Alright, forget
everything you’ve seen until now!”
(Crow) Megalon follows Jet
Jaguar, cities are evacuated, and there is a huge military response. Goro and the boy are about to be dumped into
a dam….but…wait……What is that noise?
IT’S MEGALON. “Here’s a preview
of my Broadway show” (Crow) Hiroshi arrives to save his friends.
HOST SEGMENT
This segment is a tribute to Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy. A video with the montage is seen at the link
below:
MOVIE SIGN
Hiroshi saves his friends from certain doom. Megalon commences to destroy the dam. “Pretty impressive, huh? Well that was just the beginning.” (Crow)
Jet Jaguar circles the area and Goro tries to control him with a
medallion around his neck but that only works when he has a clear line of
sight. Aforementioned military starts
shooting at Megalon. “Someone better
tell Raymond Burr, he’s late.”
(Servo) Goro consults with the
military to try and regain control of Jet Jaguar. Goro succeeds and is sent to fetch Godzilla. Seatopia is not pleased. The military battle against Megalon
continues.
“Meanwhile in fashionable Palm Springs” (Servo).
Hiroshi and Goro steal a remote control airplane. Jet Jaguar finds and summons Godzilla (in
flagless semaphore). “What’s that? Dad’s trapped…..in a coal mine?
In Deadrock Canyon?” (Servo) Jet Jaguar flies off and Godzilla tries to
fly. “I can fly!! I can fly!!
I can’t fly!!!! I can swim.” (Crow)
And with that, Godzilla is on his way.
More model-crushing by Megalon continues.
Hiroshi and Roku return to the apartment and beat up the bad
guy. “THAT’s for Lady Windermere’s
Fan!! That’s for The Picture of Dorian
Gray!!” (Servo) Seatopia calls for Gigan. Jet Jaguar has achieved free will and does
not respond to commands. Jet Jaguar
GROWS to fight Megalon. “Just call me
the Orkin Man.” (Crow) “HIKEEBA!”
(Servo) “He’s got a foreign
object!” (Crow) “He IS a foreign object.” (Servo)
Godzilla has …..ALMOST….arrived.
Suddenly, Gigan arrives and is fighting Jet Jaguar as well. *Enough beating on the breasts, let’s get to
it!!” (Crow) Crow wants arms like Gigan or Megalon. “You will bow down before me, Jet
Jaguar!” (Crow) Jet Jaguar gets a beat down by the other
two monsters.
HOST SEGMENT
Crow and Servo are Orville Redenbacher and his
grandson. The younger Redenbacher
laments that their lame attire is why he cannot find chicks to breed with
him. The elder says it is his empire and
he decides the hairstyles. The banter
ends in screaming, crying, and the loss of an inheritance. You know, regular family stuff.
MOVIE SIGN
GODZILLA FINALLY ARRIVES!!!
“Well, it’s about time, Mr. Mark Spitz.
Have a nice swim?” (Crow) “I have
come to chew sushi and kick butt, and I’m ALL out of sushi!” (Crow)
“Listen, you don’t want to die, and I don’t want to have to kill
you.” (Joel) “Take your time, thanks Godzilla”. (Joel)
“This kind of reminds me when we beat up Rodan. You know, the good old days.” (Crow)
“Hey! You smell something? It smells like LIZARD!!” (Servo)
“I like you. I think I’ll kill
you FIRST.” (Crow) The battle is on: Megalon and Gigan vs. Godzilla and Jet
Jaguar. J&TB do a play-by-lay of the
battle. “Hurts, don’t it?” (Joel)
“Even if Godzilla loses, he’s aces in my book.” (Crow)
Godzilla and Jet Jaguar are surrounded
by a ring of fire, but eventually
fly out and dispense their final destruction. “Monster’s are flame-broiled not fried,
folks.” (Joel) For some reason, Godzilla drops on his tail
and races to the final punch to Megalon.
“No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed in the making of this
film”. (Servo) Jet Jaguar and Godzilla shake hands. Godzilla exits. Goro, Hiroshi, and Roku meet up with Jet
Jaguar and the movie closes with the Jet Jaguar song. “I never liked you kid” (Crow)
HOST SEGMENT
Joel gives the robots their new arms. The Bots are not pleased, except Servo does
like his flamethrower arm. Joel wants to
segue into THEIR version of the Jet Jaguar Song. “You do it, I’m bitter.” (Crow)
Servo introduces it.
Jet Jaguar Song
Back in Deep 13, Dr. F and TV’s Frank are playing a game of
Super Mario.
I hope you enjoyed this little rubber-suited entry into the
Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Kaiju library.
Copies of the skewered Godzilla movies are hard to find as Toho made
sure they didn’t see the light of day for very long. Thankfully, you can find it on YouTube, so
enjoy!!!!
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