Trash Palace Dumpster-- Bobbie's Best of the Bad: After Earth (2013)

Title:  After Earth

Year of Release—Film:  2013

Year of Release—DVD:  2013

Reviewer:  Bobbie Culbertson

The year is 1000 AE, which stands for "After Earth," a time when Earth, ravaged by pollution, has been rendered uninhabitable for human life.  General Cypher Raige (Will Smith), the emotionally void legendary head of the Ranger Corps, is heading out on his last mission before retirement.  Cypher's wife Faia (Sophie Okonedo) convinces him to take their petulant son, Kitai, who recently failed his promotion to Cadet, along for some father/ son bonding. During the flight, the ship encounters a meteor shower and, although warned against flying through it, Cypher orders the crew to stay the course.  The badly damaged ship crash-lands on Earth and all aboard are killed.  Except Cypher, who has two badly broken legs, and Kitai, who is unhurt.

   

Discovering their rescue beacon has been damaged, Cypher orders Kitai to walk to the rear of the broken-in-half ship, now lying 100 kilometers away, and retrieve the other rescue beacon.  If Kitai fails this mission, they will both die.  So begins Kitai's dangerous journey through uncharted land and past the blind but fear-pheromone smelling combative alien creatures called "ursas" where he battles apes and giant eagles to save his father and prove his worth.

Knowing before-hand that After Earth had won the Razzie for Worst Actor (Jaden Smith), Worst Supporting Actor (Will Smith) and Worst Screen Combo (Will and Jaden) and having read a multitude of scathing reviews, I tried not to let those influence my opinion.  Now I am left wondering if After Earth deserves the abysmal 11% Rotten rating at Rotten Tomatoes.  So, in order to remain unbiased, I interviewed an Average Joe audience member:

Me:  Sir, after having finished watching After Earth, what are your immediate thoughts about the movie?

AJ:  It needed more people in the script.  It was too ambitious a movie for just two people.  They got rid of the entire supporting cast so quickly, they should have all been wearing red shirts from Star Trek!

Me:  You have stated you are a fan of Will Smith.  What is your opinion on his acting in this movie?

AJ:  Will has shown he can do comedy well as proven by the Men In Black trilogy and he can do drama, such as in I Am Legend.  In After Earth, it felt phoned in.  Like he was purposely under-playing his role so as not to over-shadow his son's acting.  The acting felt sluggish.

Me:  And what did you think of Jaden's acting in this?

AJ:  Jaden shows signs of growing up to be a decent actor.  But he hasn't got the chops yet to lay an entire multi-million dollar movie on his 14 year-old shoulders.  Maybe a TV show ... like on Nickelodeon.  Or Fresh Prince.

Me:  Do you have any thoughts on the directing?

AJ:  M. Night Shyamalan has sucked the life out of every movie he's directed since Signs in 2002.  In After Earth, he proves he's just another has-been hack for hire!  Still, no worse than The Last Airbender.

Me:  On a scale of zero stars for worst film ever made to five stars for greatest picture since the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, what score do you give After Earth?

AJ:  2 stars.

Me:  Why so high?

AJ: Really rad special effects and CGI! Had it not been for that, I'd have walked out of the theater half-way through this movie.

Me: Thank you so much for your time!

It's rumored that Will Smith came up with the plot to this movie while playing a video game with friends.  Maybe that explains why After Earth felt like a video game with motionless Cypher sitting drearily as he monitors Kitai’s actions though his video screen and sternly instructs his son's every move.  Even the precious few times Kitai disobeys his father's commands and goes by his gut-instincts feel as if he's less than a budding hero and more like the insubordinate pre-teen that he is.  This is heightened by the let-us-walk-you-through-this script.  An effortlessly gifted father who presses his less-talented son to follow in his foot-steps.  Real life?  Or …After Earth?

Bobbie

Junkyard Film's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: THE BLOB (1958)

Title:  THE BLOB

Year of Release—Film:  1958

Steve McQueen (credited here for the last time as Steven) was almost 30-years-old when he agreed to play rather unconvincingly the part of 17-year-old Steve Andrews in THE BLOB (1958).  His co-star, Aneta Corsaut, was 25-years-old when she agreed to take the role of Jane Martin, Steve’s prudish teen love interest.  While out in Steve’s car, indulging in some 1950’s post-War necking, they see a meteorite fall into the near-by woods.  Realizing that a hot space-rock was the most exciting thing on the menu for the evening, Steve drives over to see where it fell.  However, before they arrive, the meteorite is probed by an old farmer who gets some of the enclosed red ooze on his arm.  When the teens find him, he’s frightened and is pitifully whimpering “Save me” to the horrified pair.  Steve and Jane rush the badly injured man to the town’s only doctor who is preparing to leave town to attend a convention in a near-by city.  Leaving the farmer with the doctor, Steve and Jane leave to tell their equally middle-aged teen friends of what they’ve just experienced with Jane whining all the time about finding the farmer’s little dog.

Meanwhile, the doctor, having called his nurse into the office, discovers the old farmer completely enveloped in the throbbing, moving gelatinous and now much larger red glob.  Quickly consuming the doctor and his nurse, the blob next traps Steve and Judy in a local grocery store, where the duo hides in the walk-in freezer.  The blob first tries to squeeze in under the door but rapidly retreats from the cold.  Now, thoroughly alarmed, the teens rush to tell the police what has occurred but with typical us-against-them mentality, the cops don’t believe them.  The “kids” next round up all their middle-aged teen friends and get them to help warn the towns-folks of the impending invasion by setting off all alarms and sirens in the town.  This insures a scene of silly slapstick as one old man does not know which of his volunteer uniforms to don ... the fire fighter’s outfit or his Civil Defense uniform.  Still, some teens resist this effort and attend an all-night movie marathon at the local theater.  As the red ooze squeezes through the projection booth window, the terrified audience runs screaming from the theater into the streets, the now-gigantic red blob oozing behind them.

Witnessing this, the town’s adult population finally believes Steve and Judy but it’s too late as the blob once again traps the teens, along with Judy’s little bratty brother, inside a near-by diner (why it does this instead of simply eating the hundreds of by-standers is best left to the blob).  The diner, now encapsulated by the red menace from outer space (Get it, folks?  Red Menace!  The Cold War!), has power lines dropped on it, hoping the electricity will kill the blob but it only sets the diner on fire with our teens now trapped in the basement.  Steve grabs a fire extinguisher and shoots it at the flaming door, forcing the blob to withdraw.  Realizing it’s the cold that repels the thing, Steve screams “CO₂!” repeatedly.  The High School principal, along with some of students, breaks into the High School (guess the principal forgot his keys) and, using the heisted extinguishers, freeze the blob solid.  The Army finally arrives and, boxing the thing up, drops it at the North Pole as Steve eerily predicts the onset of global warming by quipping “As long at the Arctic stays cold.”  The words “The End” slither across the screen before ominously forming into a question mark.

Although this is one of the first science fiction movies to be shot in Technicolor, it’s a surprisingly cheap film.  Scenes like the diner catching fire are not shown but rather told to us by on-lookers.  And it’s not a terribly suspenseful movie, either, as the town is populated by the cleanest-cut rebels without a clue teens and the two police officers are your typical good cop vs. bad cop types, with the good cop firmly on the teens’ side.  However, for its time, the special effects are surprisingly effective using a good mixture of stop action and reverse photography.  Steve McQueen, using his best Method Acting training, is far too sincere and serious for such a fun little movie about killer slime.  Still, in 2008 it was nominated (but lost to KING KONG) as Best Movie To Watch At The Drive-In. Originally intended as second-billing to I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE, it was the far more popular movie and was promoted to a first-run status.  It’s bizarrely cheerful theme song was co-written by Burt Bacharach and Mack David, who did the cork-popping honors by pulling his finger out of his cheek.

A belated sequel followed in 1972 as BEWARE!  THE BLOB (also known as SON OF BLOB) and was directed by ‘Dallas’ star Larry Hagman.  A re-imagining was released in 1988 and starred Kevin Dillon and Shawnee Smith as the beleaguered teens.  In 2011, director Rob Zombie announced he would do another remake but, as of this writing, there’s been no movement on the project.

In July each year film geeks flock to Phoenixville, PA where many scenes in THE BLOB were filmed.  During Blob-fest, there’s a weekend-long street party with a costume contest, an amateur filmmaking contest and live reenactments of some of the film’s scenes, culminating in the Blobfest Run-out from the Colonel Theater.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD0kfi7HPO0

And finally, for those of you who prefer your monsters more homegrown and leathery (not to mention fire breathing!), there’s the G-Fest, held each year in Rosemont, IL from July 13-15, to celebrate all things Gamera and Godzilla!

http://www.g-fan.com/html/gfest_xix/gfest_xix.php

See you at the Cons!

Bobbie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: LITTLE MURDERS

Title:  LITTLE MURDERS

Year of Release—Film:  1971

LITTLE MURDERS is a little-known gem of a black comedy.  Written by Jules Feiffer as a Broadway play, it’s directed by Alan Arkin (who also has a small role as a detective).  It stars Elliot Gould as an emotionally vacant “apathist,” Marcia Rodd as his overly aggressive, positive girlfriend, Vincent Gardenia as her often-hysterical father, Elizabeth Wilson as her platitude-spouting mother, Jon Krokes as her idiot brother and “introducing Donald Sutherland as the Minister.”

Albert (Gould), a once successful photographer who now specializes in taking photos of excrement, is being beaten by a gang of thugs outside the New York apartment building of Patsy (Rodd).  She tries to break it up and is rewarded by being beaten herself as Albert calmly strolls away.  Patsy escapes and runs after Albert, who explains that this happens to him all the time and he didn’t need help because soon the thugs would tire and go away.  It seems that Albert is so passive and non-aggressive that he cannot react to life.  Patsy sees this as a challenge and decides to show Albert how to be more positive.  In addition, she sees him as a man she can mold into the perfect husband.  Against his wishes, she courts him and he goes along because he finds her “comfortable.”

Despite his protestations that he hates all thing “family,” Patsy takes him to meet her folks.  In one of the movies best moments, Albert is quizzed by Patsy’s motor-mouth father (Gardenia) as Mom (Wilson) feeds the family and spouts endless platitudes such as “it’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness” during the all-too-frequent power-outages.  Mom shows Albert a photo album of her oldest son, a war hero, who was shot outside of a bodega.  The murder remains unsolved.  The younger brother is used more as comic relief as he giggles like a child and hides in closets.  Patsy decides to marry Albert.  He goes along with it with one exception ... there must be no mention of the deity at the ceremony.

After a long and fruitless search for a minister who will marry them under Albert’s directive (and an inspired scene where the couple are harangued by a justice of the peace, played by Lou Jacobi), they settle on Sutherland, a hippy Jesus-look-alike who marries them in a ceremony filled with pop-culture ideologies (and blatantly “outs” Patsy’s closeted gay brother).  The scene ends with almost the entire wedding party beating Albert and Sutherland.  Patsy, fed up with Albert’s non-reactions, goes home with her parents.  Albert, thinking the marriage is over before it even began, packs to leave.  Patsy storms back to their apartment and demands that Albert visit his parents in Chicago to find out why he can’t fight back.

Albert’s father (John Randolph) and mother (Doris Roberts) are a strange, emotionless, book loving and seemingly friendless couple who apparently never noticed Albert’s leaving home at age 17.  As he reads them the questionnaire prepared by Patsy, at first they spout theories from various books, then become bored and visibly uncomfortable and answer the remaining questions with a deadpan “I don’t remember.”  Albert returns to Patsy and promises to try to be the kind of man she wants.  They hug.  A stray bullet comes through the window, instantly killing Patsy!

Albert moves in with Patsy’s family and becomes comatose to the extent that the father has to hand-feed him, dress him and shave him.  The family has iron shutters placed on all the windows as non-stop gunfire sounds outside.  Arkin, a paranoid nervous wreck, is perfect in the small role as the detective in charge of investigating the murders of Patsy and Patsy’s older brother.  Arkin shouts to the family that the problems of the world are it’s passive citizens who are unwilling to deal with the reality of violence.  This rouses Albert  from his stupor and he goes out and buys a rifle and brings it back to the family.  They all take turns shooting innocent pedestrians from the front room window as the Mom sighs happily and says, “It’s so nice to have the family back together again.”

The boy-meets-girl story is as simple as it is dark and morbid.  It’s the era of a violent New York City...a time of brown water, frequent power outages and the Vietnam War.  Despair and paranoia filled the air.  Therefore, it only made sense that Jules Feiffer, noted cartoonist and writer would gather those feelings into one play.  However, Feiffer’s characters are so odd that his underlying intentions are unclear.  Alan Arkin brought those characters to life but seemingly left them to their own intentions and the results are often uneven and too broad.  According to a 1 January 1971 review, Roger Ebert claims Arkin said shortly after the film opened that he had only seen the movie once in a theater and was afraid to go again because he thought the movie was a flop because there was no pattern to the audience’s laughter.  People were laughing as individuals, almost uneasily, as specific things in the movie either touched them or clobbered them.  And that is the feeling most get while watching this.  One is left with a sense of isolation, with the humor feeling akin to laughing in a funeral home.  It feels wrong but it’s the only relief one gets from the uniquely offbeat but melancholy mood.

Fox released a DVD of LITTLE MURDERS in 2004 but finding a copy may be difficult and expensive.  It is available on Netflix.  So, if you are into pitch-black comedy that is well written, passably well directed and brilliantly acted, drop it in your queue.

MSTJunkie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: BLOODY NEW YEAR—aka—TIME WARP TERROR

Title:  BLOODY NEW YEAR—aka—TIME WARP TERROR

Year of Release—Film:  1987

Five teenagers (Suzy Aitchison, Nikki Brooks, Colin Heywood, Mark Powley and Catherine Roman), strangers to each other for the most part, meet at a carnival when one of them is attacked by a rowdy pair of thugs.  The teens escape in a small boat that soon takes them to an island where a long-abandoned (but surprisingly tidy) hotel awaits.  Little do they realize that tragedy hit that very hotel on New Year’s Eve 1959.  And, that the not-so-departed partygoers of that long ago gala event wait for fresh blood.  And, little do they know that the pair of rowdies, along with the carnival's owner, are fast on their heels, seeking revenge!  Will the terrified teens escape the island?  More importantly, at the end of 90 minutes, will the audience members even care?

BLOODY NEW YEAR had a good premise, that of zombies and ghosts and hauntings.  But apparently, it was fed it through the long and expensive process known as suspense-extraction because it's painfully dull!  Passable make-up effects were left to linger a long and painful death by cast members who fail to act or react to them.  Take this scene as an example.  One teen girl turns around to discover her friend has turned into a part-zombie, part-scaly-faced monster.  Her reaction is to stand there expressionless for several agonizingly slow moments before letting out a single scream!  Now, my reaction if I just saw my friend turned into some hideous thing would be to beat feet so fast the heels on my rubber soles would melt!  This is not a singular episode!  The acting was competent but everyone in this movie had the same blank expression.  It's as if reactions and emoting were cash and payday wasn't until a week from Friday!

Special effects can make or break a movie and BLOODY NEW YEAR is no exception.  The special effects in this were actually quite inventive.  From the stop-action duck head newel posts that gnaw at one girl to the attack during which two teens must do battle against common kitchen implements to ghostly apparitions materializing and evaporating again, they belied the low budget.  And a few scenes stood out as highly effective such as the girl being assimilated into an elevator's walls and a Sheik jumping out of a black and white movie and strangling one of the male teens.  The camera work, especially the outdoor work, was above par, too.  The script, though hackneyed today, was for 1987 fresh and inventive with tinges of Sam Raimi's THE EVIL DEAD and Stephen King's THE SHINING without being a blatant rip-off of either.

So, where does BLOODY NEW YEAR go wrong?  For one, it lacks the over-the-top gore of THE EVIL DEAD and the mounting sense of dread of THE SHINING.  The directing by Norman J. Warren, who had given us ALIEN PREY just a short decade before, is flat, lackluster and uninspired.  It's creative touches are hampered by its low B-movie budget and fall short when it should have been going for the gusto.  Parts that should have left one gasping in horror only left this reviewer gasping in laughter.  Reading the imdb user reviews left me wondering what movie they were reviewing.  Certainly not the BLOODY NEW YEAR I sat through last night!  But, in their defense, they were very kind to Norman J. Warren's final film, calling it "completely surreal" and "a bizarre demonic horror film" but at the same time recognizing it's obvious flaws, such as the ill-fitting soundtrack.

Hollywood big shots take notice.  BLOODY NEW YEAR is begging for a 3D remake!  Throw in some young "Twilight"-type stars and you are guaranteed box office boffo!  But, until that time, my copy of BLOOD NEW YEAR goes back behind the doors of the Video Vault, unloved and never again to be viewed.

MSTjunkie

"Merry Christmas ... if that's OK"—Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theater 3000

 

Bobbie's Movies to Look For: PAUL

Title:  PAUL

Year of Release—Film:  2011

Two British fanboys (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) travel to the San Diego Comic-Con.  There they meet like-minded geeks, Star Wars freaks, a sexually active Wookie, sci-fi author and personal idol Adam Shadowchild ... and one small, wise-cracking alien named Paul.

Graham (Simon Pegg) and Clive (Nick Frost) are traveling buddies out to visit the most famous UFO sighting hot-spots, including Roswell Area 51 where, in 1947, an alien UFO crashed and was confiscated and it’s discovery covered up by the Government.  After visiting the near-by Little A’Le’Inn restaurant where they have an unpleasant encounter with two red-necks, the two leave to visit Area 51 when suddenly a speeding car comes screaming by and crashes.  Graham and Clive stop to offer help and meet Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen), a alien who has successfully escaped the Area 51 encampment and needs a ride to the place where his fellow aliens have promised to pick him up for a return to his home planet.  UFO sites forgotten in the excitement of meeting an actual alien, the duo agrees to the new destination and off they go!

Along the way, they meet an eye-patch wearing ultra-religious young woman named Ruth (Kristen Wiig) and her controlling father Moses Buggs (John Carroll Lynch).  While spending the night at the Buggs RV camp sight, Ruth catches sight of Paul and faints.  When she wakes and she begins to spout religious dogma, Paul, quickly tires of it and transfers his vast knowledge of evolution to her mind and Ruth, finely freed of her father's twisted Biblical history, begins swearing ... like a little child whose just learning swear words!  And Paul, seeing her blind eye, heals her with a gentle touch.  Now on the lam from men in black who take orders from a steely-voiced but as yet unseen woman and from Ruth’s gun-toting zealot father, they race against time to reunite Paul with the mothership!

Penned by SHAUN OF THE DEAD’s Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, PAUL is a sci-fi geek’s wet-dream, chock-full of references to other classic science fiction films.  Paul, rather than being kept hostage by the Government agency, was given free run on the facility and was an incalculable aid to Steven Spielberg via phone conversations while ET: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL was in the planning stages.  And in the honky-tonk scene, the band is playing the “Cantina Band” tune from STAR WARS.  And how can one possibly dislike a movie in which Pegg and Frost reenact Captain Kirk’s epic fight with the Gorn from the Star Trek episode “Arena”!?!  In an effort to avoid being called a MAC AND ME rip-off (noted by Clive/ Nick Frost when he says “I have dreamt of meeting you ever since I saw Mac and Me,”) the team did their best to make their alien different.  And they succeeded!  Paul is a profanity-spewing little wise-cracker who smokes dope and talks about the size of his sexual equipment.  In a June 12, 2011 interview with Den of Geek blog Simon Pegg is quoted as saying:

“We could have toned down the language a little bit, and maybe we should have done.  We could have got a bigger box office take if we’d made it a PG.  But we didn’t want it to look like a children’s film.  We wanted people from the off to know that it wasn’t a kids’ film.  And so, we stuck to our guns, as ... we wanted an R.  And we got it.”

Still, cigarette-smoking, occasionally invisible Paul isn’t all bad.  He has highly sensitive empathic powers healing powers as seen in the eye healing scene with Ruth.  And he did bring a dead bird back to life (even if he did eat it immediately afterwards!).  And even in his rush to find his mothership, Paul takes the time to settle an old score with Tara Walton (Blythe Danner) who has been thought crazy by the townsfolk for the past 60 years for claiming a spaceship killed her dog.

The cast in PAUL showed they were clearly up to the task and their performances were all above par.  Kristie Wiig was both believable and unbelievably funny as the reformed girl Ruth.  Her swearing need some work though!  Jason Bateman as the secret agent tough-guy Zoil and Sigourney Weaver in a stellar cameo were a great bonus!  Pegg and Frost play their bro-mance a tad too realistically (IMO) but still come off as a natural pairing with enthusiasm and wild humor.  But, the star of this movie is Paul!  Profane and all-around crass, Paul has a sensitive side, too and is an agreeably laid-back kind of fellow.  Seth Rogen does a good job voicing Paul and the CGI is above average.

Is it a perfect buddy-flick?  No.  PAUL will delight sci-fi movie fanboys (and fangirls!) with it's inside jokes and will probably leave those not familiar with those movies feeling they are missing something.  But, the humor is top-notch, the pacing fast and the acting great!  A word of caution, though—should you rent or buy PAUL, watch the unrated version as the theatrical version cuts short some of the jokes.

Enjoy!  And I know you will!

MSTJunkie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: HACK-O-LANTERN (HALLOWEEN NIGHT)

Title:  HACK-O-LANTERN (HALLOWEEN NIGHT)

Year of Release—Film:  1988

[Ed. Note:  Jag Mundhra, the Director of HACK ‘O LANTERN, passed away on 4 September, 2011 in Mumbai, India.  The Crypt offers its sincere condolences to his loved ones.]

 

Kindly pumpkin-truck-driving Grandpa (Hy Pyke) makes a surprise Halloween visit to his young grandson, Tommy.  Grandpa gives Tommy his choice of pumpkin, a dime-store rubber skeleton and a mysteriously wrapped small package, cautioning Tommy not to tell his parents of the visit.  Later as Tommy is carving the jack-o-lantern, he cuts his finger on the carving knife and begins sucking the blood off, saying “Grandpa said it’s good for me.”  Tommy’s mother (Katrina Garner) furiously questions Tommy and, when she finds out that the Grandpa has visited, smashes Tommy’s pumpkin and warns Tommy to stay away from that man!  Later, the mother and father discuss the visit and the father, fed up with this crazy old coot, goes to warn the old man to leave Tommy alone.  Once at the Grandpa’s house, the father does not seem at all surprised to find the old man conducting a satanic ritual and confronts him.  The Grandpa’s reaction to being interrupted is to smash Tommy’s father over the head with a hammer and set him and his car on fire.  At home, Tommy opens the package to reveal a pentagram necklace.

Fast-forward 13 years.  Tommy (Greg Scott Cummings, former NFL punter for the San Diego Chargers) is now a rebellious young man, living in his mother’s basement and whiling his days listening to heavy metal and fantasizing about killing fellow heavy metal band members (featuring the band D. C. Lacroix) with laser guns.  His younger brother, Roger (Jeff Brown) is a rookie cop and his younger sister, Vera (Carla Baron) is a...well, the audience is never sure what Vera does other than wander around town with her friends.  As the mother struggles to keep both her late husband’s fruit farm going and her family together, she disapproves of anyone who comes near them.  And then there’s the Grandpa.  Despite the fact that the town’s hosting its annual Halloween party and everyone’s going, Grandpa warns Tommy that tonight Tommy will take his rightful place as head of the Coven.  The mother, sensing something is amiss, meets the Grandpa on the bridge and begs him to leave Tommy alone.  The Grandpa strokes the mother’s arms and replies that she is still a temptation to him after all these years.  And we see in a flashback Grandpa raping his own daughter on her wedding day.  Tommy is not his grandson!  He is his own son!  Bwahahahaha!  (*cough* Sorry about that.)

Allow me to pause in the narrative here.  This is where director Jag Mundhra and writer Carla Robinson begin smoking up some of Los Angeles’ favorite import.  Or so it would seem.  Up until now, this was a straight-up abet cheaply done horror movie with a decent plot that moved along at a nice pace.  We’ve had some gratuitous nudity.  And some not badly done gore effects.  It’s on Halloween night at the town dance where this movie does a complete right turn.  Because this is the part of the movie where the plot introduces the snake charmer.  And the stripper.  And the stand-up comedian (whose name is Bill Tucker and if, after watching his corny and contrived shtick, you’d like to book his act, here’s his website: [http://delafont.com/comedians/Bill-Tucker.htm].

It’s as if Jag Mundhra has put up flyers around town announcing he was looking for bit players for the party dance scene and if you had a Halloween costume and/ or some minor talent at anything, you could be in his movie!  And so the plot grinds to a halt as we watch various and not terribly talented towns-people do their “things.”  Eventually, we do get back to the plot and are rewarded with various townspeople being offed by someone in a devil’s mask and dark cape.  (I should also mention that all the women in this town are “hootchie-mamas” who are not adverse to pulling their clothes off at a moment’s notice.  Joe Bob would be proud!)

Tommy is at the coven’s ritual getting prepared to become the leader when his sister, Vera, dashes into the barn and, babbling hysterically, tells Tommy about all the killings.  Grandpa, upset that this very important ritual has been interrupted, strings the girl up and orders Tommy to kill her.  But, Tommy can’t.  After all, she’s his sister!  Furious, the be-caped Grandpa runs into the night after the fleeing girl.  And caped Tommy runs after them.  Which of these caped family members is the real killer!?!  And, we are rewarded with the double-twist ending!  (Eat your heart out, M. Night!)

Hy Pyke, who went on to do only two movies after this one, plays the Grandpa like a double order of California fruit salad.  Greg Scott Cummings played Tommy with such an aggressive nature that I feared he’d explode.  Carla Baron played Vera as a horny cipher.  And the supporting cast ... well, we’ve already covered that in a previous paragraph.  However, despite it’s obvious flaws and continuity problems, this is an unintentionally funny and fun little movie.  So, when planning your next Halloween party, which is only a few short weeks away, you could do worse than chose HACK ‘O LANTERN for the amusement of your guests.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

MSTjunkie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: THE NANNY

Title:  THE NANNY

Year of Release—Film:  1965

There is something wrong in the Fane household.  The family consists of "Virgie" Fane (Wendy Craig), the mother, Bill Fane (James Villiers), the father, with Joey Fane (William Dix) as their 11-year-old son and Suzy (Angharad Aubrey) as the drowned baby sister.  Oh, and we mustn't forget one other "family member,” longtime Nanny (Bette Davis).  Little Joey has just returned home from confinement in a treatment center for the criminally insane where he was sent two years previously, when he was charged in the bathtub drowning of his little sister.  However, Joey insists it was not he who drowned Suzy but Nanny.  However his weak-willed and infantile mother refuses to believe him, insisting that their loyal Nanny couldn’t be the villain when she's been lovingly taking care of the Fane family for years.  The emotionally devoid Bill Fane, a Queen's Messenger, can't be bothered to sort all this out, as his mind is on business alone.  And, Nanny, quietly and efficiently goes about the business of running the Fane household, even fixing up the spare bedroom for young Master Joey's return.  However, Joey refuses to sleep there, insisting on taking the smaller bedroom.  The one with locks on the door and a window fire escape.  And, as it turns out, he may have had a good reason to fear Nanny.

 

Joey meets a teenage girl, nymphet Bobbie (Pamela Franklin), who lives one floor up in the apartment building and he tries to convince her that Nanny is trying to kill him.  At first, she doesn't believe him but later, when Joey shows up wet and wrapped only in a bath towel and tells her Nanny tried to drown him, she begins to believe his stories.  One evening, while the father is out of town on business, Virgie is poisoned by Nanny's cooking and hospitalized.  Nanny insists it was Joey who poisoned the food.  After all, wasn't Joey the one who stole Nanny's pills!?!  Enter earthy but ill Aunt Pen (Jill Bennett), whose rheumatic heart condition cannot tolerate any excitement.  Surely, she will believe Joey's claims that Nanny is evil and must be stopped!  While Aunt Pen is certainly no fan of Nanny, she, along with Virgie, was raised by her and knows that Nanny would never hurt the family.  Or would she?

Callous Joey is a very antisocial boy, always skulking about and threatening to "do something" if he cannot have his way.  His favorite hobby and only talent is tying a hangman's noose.  He refuses to eat anything Nanny has prepared, fearing she may poison him.  Now, with the father and mother both absent from the house and Joey and Nanny both convinced that the other one is the killer, the final and possibly fatal face-off begins.

THE NANNY was Bette Davis' first film after the successful HUSH...HUSH, SWEET CHARLOTTE (1964), which garnered $7 million at the box office.  However, unlike her insane shrieking as the title character in HUSH HUSH, Bette's performance in THE NANNY is clinical and efficient as she almost robotically goes about her chores.  Bette is restrained in her role as the emotionally vacant Nanny, at times letting her eyes do the acting rather than through dialogue.  She and young William Dix as Joey play off each other effectively well.  Empathizing classic mystery and suspense over cheap gore, THE NANNY director Seth Holt slowly and steadily filled viewers with growing tension by utilizing low-angle camera shots in ever-so-slightly distorted angles.  The musical score by Richard Rodney Bennett is kept to a minimum except during times of extreme action and/ or suspense.  The pacing felt more stacked than blended, a feeling that no doubt had something to do with director Holt's editing skills.

William Dix comes across as cold and detached rather than just bratty and the viewer feels his fear.  Tiny moppet Angharad Aubrey is adorable as Suzy in the flashback scenes!  I'm surprised that this is her only movie!  Jill Bennett was highly convincing as Aunt Pen, coming across as more well grounded in reality than both the father and mother.  Her death scene was brilliantly acted and convincing!  The one weak performance was by Wendy Craig as Virgie.  She comes across as hysterical and profoundly helpless, lying about in bed, drenched in tears 90% of the time.  James Villiers comes across as a cipher.  But, it is Bette who OWNS this movie!  After witnessing the cold, unfeeling machinations of this Nanny, you'll forget the warm fuzzies of MARY POPPINS and MRS. DOUBTFIRE and purchase a teddy-cam for your nursery!

[Jimmy Sangster, who produced THE NANNY and wrote the screenplay for it, died 19 August at age 83.  He was one of the founding fathers, along with men like Terence Fisher, Michael Carreras, Anthony Hinds, Jack Asher, Peter Cushing, and Christopher Lee, of the famed Hammer ‘House of Horror’.  Among his later works are Circle of Fear (1973 TV series) and movies WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO (1972/ TV), SCREAM PRETTY PEGGY (1973/ TV) and THE HORROR OF FRANKENSTEIN (1970).  He will be missed.]

Enjoy!  Or not!

MSTjunkie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: DEVIL DOG: HOUND OF HELL

Title:  DEVIL DOG: HOUND OF HELL

Year of Release—Film:  1978

Polyester-clad Mike Berry (Richard Crenna) picks up his lovely wife, Betty Barry (Yvette Mimieux) from work and drives to their upper middle-class suburban home only to discover the family dog has been run over in the street.  Their neighbor, who was either too lazy or too stupid to remove the dog’s carcass from the middle of the road, tells them that the dog was hit by a big black car that didn’t even stop.  The Barry’s two children, Bonnie (Kim Richards) and Charlie (Ike Eisenmann), who also played siblings in RETURN FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN earlier the same year, are understandably upset.  Little does the Barry family know that, on the other side of town, a coven of witches has bred a German shepherd to Satan.  Or Satan’s dog.  We’re never sure.  And, for some unexplained reason, are giving out, free of charge, the litter of puppies from the back of a fruit and vegetable peddlers truck.  The devastated daughter instantly falls in love with a puppy, names it Lucky, and takes it home.

The Barry family’s maid, Maria (Tina Menard) instantly takes a dislike to the dog, grabbing her rosary beads and muttering in Spanish.  As the Barry family prepares to attend a nighttime school function, they put the puppy in a box in the hallway outside the maid’s room where the maid is preparing for bed.  Lighting some candles at a small shine on her dresser, the maid sees the dog looking at her and, faster than you can say Kingsford, the maid bursts into flames.  A reasonable man would assume the maid got too close to her own candles (which she did) but Mike begins to think the dog had something to do with it.

Fast-forward about a year.  Mike is outside, repairing his lawnmower by turning it upside down on the lawn.  Cue the dog, now grown, who stares at Mike.  Suddenly the mower starts and Mike, seemingly under the spell of the dog, fights mightily to not place his hand in the mower’s whirling blades.  The dog stares.  Mike stares back.  The mower blades whirl.  Repeat for what seems an eternity.  Mike, through sheer brute mentality, finally fights the urge and the mower stops.

Meanwhile, something’s wrong with the Barry kids.  Normally, they are kind and well behaved but, according to visiting friend and teacher Miles (Ken Kercheval), they have been up to some pretty dirty tricks at school.  Charlie has been running for class president and was in second place until the sudden and mysterious death of the other nominee.  And both children have become bossy and bullies to fellow students.  Betty scoffs at this information, finally insisting that Miles leave the house.  Mike watches the dog as Miles leaves.  Later that evening, Betty and Barry skinny-dip in the neighbor’s pool.  (Don’t get your hopes up, fellas.  Remember, this was made for TV so the only skin we see is a watery shot of Richard Crenna vertical smile).  The next day, the neighbor’s dog is dead.  While I lean towards the thought that somehow the dog saw Richard Crenna naked, Mike blames Lucky.  The next day, the neighbor’s dead.  Mike takes Lucky out into the hills and tries to shoot the dog but either the dog is bulletproof or Mike’s a lousy shot because every bullet fails to meet its mark.

Meanwhile, Betty has turned into a raving nymphomaniac, seducing teacher Miles in hopes that he will not suspend the children from school.  When this fails to work, she sends Lucky to do his evil voodoo.  Mike finds out about this plot and drives over to Miles’ house to warn him but is too late.  Miles has been frightened to death.  Spying Lucky, Mike jumps into the car and, flooring it, drives home.  But, somehow, the slow-motion running dog beats him back home.  Hearing muffled chanting coming from the attic, Mike goes up to find his wife and children performing a satanic ritual.  Tearing down a hand-painted drawing of some satanic god, Mike takes it to a lady who owns a bookstore and she, after some searching, gives Mike a book about Satan-possessed dogs.  Seems in order to gain the knowledge about how to destroy the devil dog, Mike has to travel down to Ecuador and talk to some expert shaman who lives on a mountaintop.  Faster than a GPS, Mike finds the shaman who paints a small Chinese checkers board on Mike’s hand and tells Mike that showing this to the dog will send it back to Hell.

Returning home, Mike tricks Lucky into going to a nuclear power plant where Lucky finally shows his real face.  Only it’s not a “real” face.  Just some laughable low-resolution GIF of a snarling dog’s face with glowing red eyes and what looks like a black feather boa wrapped around its neck.  Tense moment follows tense moment follows tense moment follows tense moment as Lucky growls, then howls, as Mike shoves the Chinese checkerboard into the dog’s face which somehow causes the dog to explode.

The Barry family, all happy and back to normal, pack up their wood-paneled station wagon to go on a much-needed road trip.  Charlie stops and, looking concerned into his father’s eyes, asks about the other eight puppies in the litter.  Mike hesitates for a moment, then, deciding it’s not his problem, goes about packing the family car.  Role credits.

This movie aired Halloween Night in 1978.  And while it does have a few spooky moments, it fails to frighten the viewer.  After all, it’s a movie about a family pet.  A very Bradyesque family at that.  And he’s a cute puppy who grows to become a handsome dog.  Had he been rabid like CUJO, it might have been frightening.  Kind of a ROSEMARY’S PUPPY.  Or had the producers gone for comedy, it might have been more fun.  But, as a horror drama, it is what it is...pure 70’s camp.  However, I cannot end this review without a shout-out to the Barry home’s wallpaper.  It’s so overwhelmingly garish that it threatens at times to out-act Richard Crenna!  And that’s the scariest part of DEVIL DOG: HOUND OF HELL.

Enjoy!  Or Not!

MSTjunkie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: BURKE AND HARE

Title:  BURKE AND HARE

Year of Release—Film:  2010

Up the close and down the stair,

But and ben with Burke and Hare.

Burke’s the butcher, Hare’s the thief,

Knox, the boy who buys the beef.

—19th-century Edinburgh jumping-rope rhyme

 Any student of macabre history knows the true story behind Burke and Hare and their yearlong murder-spree in Edinburgh in 1827 that left 17 people dead.  William Burke and William Hare, poor con men who immigrated from Ireland, learned that Dr. Knox of the prestigious Edinburgh Medical College needed cadavers for his anatomy lectures and they were all too eager to provide them for the cost of £10 each.

Their preferred method of dispatch was to first get the intended victim drunk, and then cover the victim’s mouth and nose until they died of suffocation (this method of murder became known as “burking’).  Burke and Hare’s last victim was Marjory Docherty whose body was discovered by boarder Ann Gray who reported her ghastly discovery to the police.  By the time the police arrived, Burke and Hare had already delivered the body to Dr. Knox.  An anonymous tip sent the police to Dr. Knox’s classroom where the body was under-going dissection.  The doctor, along with Burke and Hare were arrested but the doctor was soon released.  Hare was offered immunity from prosecution if he confessed and agreed to testify against Burke.  He did and Burke was publicly hanged on Jan. 28, 1829.  Ironically, his body was sent to the Edinburgh Medical College for public dissection.  There is no information of what became of Hare.

 “This is a true story.  Except for the parts that aren’t.”

 So begins BURKE AND HARE (2010) with Simon Pegg as William Burke and Andy Serkis as William Hare with Tom Wilkinson as Dr. Knox.  Bill Bailey plays the hangman who tells us this grim story of murder for profit while he dispatches the latest criminal and sells off the body to the highest bidder from two warring Edinburgh teaching colleges.  The law at that time decreed that only executed bodies could be used for dissection, pitting Dr. Knox against his rival, Dr. Monro (Tim Curry) in competition for legally obtained cadavers.  Enter Burke and Hare, two dim-witted but likeable con men trying to make a living in the mean streets of Edinburgh while William Hare’s dipsomaniac wife, Lucky (Jessica Hynes), runs a low-class boarding house.

One evening, the two Billies return home to find Lucky angry that one of her boarders has died owing her £4 rent.  She orders the two men to get rid of the body before it begins to stink up the place.  Bundling the body into a herring barrel, they decide to dispose of it by dumping it off the wharf.  But first, a dram wouldn’t hurt so, parking the barrel outside, they enter a local pub.  There they over-hear a man discussing a newly passed order that gives Dr. Monro sole ownership of all executed bodies, leaving Dr. Knox with none.  And Dr. Knox, who usually pays £3 per corpse, would probably pay double that now.  Pleased with the thought of not only getting rid of this body but also making some much-needed money, the two roll it on over to Dr. Knox’s house.  Dr. Knox is delighted and informs the pair that should they come across any more unfortunates, he would willingly take them off their hands for a handsome fee!

 Lucky, delighted by the money, drinks her way through two bottles of wine and then informs her husband and Burke that another boarder has died owing rent.  But, going upstairs, they discover that Old Joseph (Christopher Lee) is not dead, only dying.  They decide to help him along his way and sell his body to Dr. Knox.

 Now we get to the “Except for the parts that aren’t” section of the intro.  Dressing as dandies, the two Williams go to a local gin mill where Burke instantly falls in love with the curvaceous Ginny (Isla Fisher), a part-time prostitute and dancehall girl with dreams of the legitimate stage.  In order to make her dream of an all-female version of MACBETH come true, Ginny needs a sugar-daddy and Burke, who is passing himself off as a wealthy medical supplies salesman, seems a likely patsy.  So, in order to fund Ginny’s dreams, Burke, with Hare in tow, begins reducing the slum population of Edinburgh one resident at a time.  Meanwhile, an officious but diminutive Captain Tam McLintoch (Ronnie Corbett), alarmed by the upsurge of missing persons reports, begins his investigation.  And the Doctors Monro and Knox crank up their rivalry, vying for the King’s Royal Seal in a competition to see who can further medical technology in anatomy.

 BURKE AND HARE is director John Landis’ first theatrical release in over a decade and his first “across the Pond” since AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981).  And it’s proof that he has not lost his sense of black humor.  From a screenplay by Piers Ashworth and Nick Moorecraft, this movie delights the audience with wonderful sight gags (the scene where Paul Whitehouse is pushed down the stairs is priceless!) and never loses its pacing.  The scene where Jessica Hynes has a “eureka moment” inventing funeral parlors is hilarious!  The period costuming and sets harkens back to the old days of Ealing Studios, where it was shot.

In an Oct. 20, 2010 interview with UK’s The Telegraph, John Landis is quoted as saying, “It is a very delicate balancing act that we need to do in the movie because really these two were horrible men, really evil, but we’re aiming for a very, very black comedy, and to make it work we need the audience to like them.  We’re turning these psychopaths into romantic leading men.”  Landis succeeded in that quest!  Bolstered by a fine supporting cast of British comedy icons that include Ronnie Corbett, Tim Curry, Bill Bailey and Reese Shearsmith, Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis shine in the lead roles.  Is it a perfect comedy?  No.  Sometimes the black humor crosses over to knockabout pantomime and schoolboy jokes.  But, over-all, this movie never loses sight of what it’s aiming for.  Not yet released in the United States, it truly deserves an official DVD release.  With a John Landis commentary track, please!

 Enjoy!  And I know you will!

 MSTJunkie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: MOON OF THE WOLF

Title:  MOON OF THE WOLF

Year of Release—Film:  1972

Two stereotypical Southern rednecks wake up to the sounds of dogs howling from the swamp.  Hastily pulling on their boots and grabbing their scatterguns, they go stumbling into the darkness.  Suddenly, it’s daytime and they’ve discovered the savaged body of a young female, Ellie, apparently torn apart by a pack of wild dogs.  Sheriff Whitaker (David Janssen) is called out to investigate the death, followed shortly by Lawrence (Geoffrey Lewis), the victim’s dimwitted ex-boyfriend, who demands to know who the culprit was.  Hot on his heels is the grouchy town Doctor Druten (John Beradino) who insults the locals by saying “It’s not considered good medical practice to perform autopsies in the middle of swamps surrounded by howling dogs and scratching rustics.”  Back at the hospital, the doctor tells Sheriff Whitaker that she was killed by a single blow to the head from a left-handed person.

Later that afternoon, Sheriff Whitaker goes to visit Lawrence’s father, Old Man Hughes who, because he’s old and has lived all his life on Marsh Island, must know something about this...even though he’s frail, has dementia and is bedridden!  The Old Man keeps babbling on about something called a “lookaroo” but no one knows what he’s talking about.  Leaving the Old Man’s shack, Whitaker next goes to the mansion of the island founder’s offspring, Andrew Rodanthe (Bradford Dillman) and his sister, Louise (Barbara Rush).  (Janssen keeps pronouncing their last name as Rodan, which delighted me!)  Louise having just returned from living in New York City, is pleasantly surprised to find her old high school crush is now the town sheriff and begins outrageously flirting with him.  Sending Louise back into the mansion, Andrew curtly dismisses the sheriff, explaining that Louise is ill and needs rest and quiet.  Whitaker leaves and drives to the murder scene where he discovers a locket in the mud.  The two rednecks from the movie’s opening scene come strolling by so the Sheriff asks if the locket belonged to the murdered Ellie but they claim to never having seen it before.  Whitaker just shoves this potential clue into his pocket and leaves, leaving this viewer convinced the Sheriff just isn’t into this investigation!

Back in town, the Sheriff has a conversation with the Old Man’s caretaker who spills the beans that Ellie was pregnant!  Find out who the father was and you’d have your killer!  Naturally, Whitaker rushes back to the doctor’s office and demands to know why the doctor didn’t tell him of the girl’s pregnancy!  After some verbal sparring, the doctor confesses that he himself was the father.  “I didn’t kill her!  I loved her!” exclaims the doctor as Whitaker takes a long pull off the doctor’s whiskey bottle.  Now, apparently, everyone in town had a motive to kill her!  Later the same day, the town’s men-folk gather to go into the swamps and shoot the pack of wild dogs that killed Ellie.  Suddenly, Lawrence rushes out from the crowd and socks the doctor in the jaw, decking him, while shouting to everyone that the doctor knocked up the dead girl.  Arresting Lawrence, the Sheriff drives back to the Rodanthe place where he and Louise get to know each other better over glasses of lemonade.

Suddenly, it’s nighttime again and we watch as the Sheriff leaves Lawrence in the hands of his deputy, instructing the night-shift deputy to leave the cell door unlocked.  (Whitaker does run a tight ship, doesn’t he!?!)  Hearing a loud noise from the back of the station, the deputy decides not to follow the Sheriff’s instructions and locks Lawrence’s cell door before investigating the noise.  In a POV shot, we see the deputy torn apart before the POV beast tears the locked cell door off its hinges and savages Lawrence!  Dr. Druten tells Whitaker that the men have been torn apart by bare hands.

The next day, rich-kid Andrew volunteers to go with Whitaker to the Old Man’s place to help with the investigation.  But once there, Andrew suffers a fit when smelling some sulfur and molasses burning in a dish on the front porch.  This concoction is supposed to ward off ... werewolves!  PLOT POINT!  Whitaker drives to pick up Louise and take her to the hospital but sees a photo of Louise wearing the locket he’d discovered at the murder scene.  Louise admits it’s hers but she hadn’t seen it in years.  Back at the hospital, Andrew explains that he suffers from a rare malaria-like disease called Black Water Fever.  In order to keep his disease from becoming town gossip, Andrew had Ellie bring him a month’s supply of his medication from the hospital and he had given Ellie the locket earlier the evening she died.  Louise suggests that since she speaks French, she go talk to the Old Man. Listening to the Old Man babble, Louise says he’s not saying “lookaroo” but is actually saying “Loup-garou” which is French for ... WEREWOLF!  Suddenly, the Old Man grabs Louise’s hand and, speaking French, tells her she will be the next victim!  And, back in his hospital bed, we see the hairy, clawed hand of Andrew!

Andrew, now in full werewolf-mode, bursts from his hospital room, scares some nurses, knocks down an orderly and jumps through a plate-glass window, making good his escape.  A posse is formed to search the swamps for Andrew and Whitaker drives Louise back to the mansion.  But, Andrew isn’t in the swamps but has gone back home where Louise is reading up on lycanthropy and lycanthrope-like diseases.  Explaining to the sheriff that werewolves can only be killed by fire or by bullets that have been blessed, Whitaker decides to search for Andrew alone and he locks all the windows and tells Louise to lock the door after him.  But, Louise listens just about as well as the night-shift deputy did and leaves through a window when she hears werewolf-Andrew bust down the front door.  Running into the barn, she sees werewolf-Andrew standing in the loft and, flinging a burning oil lamp at him, rushes from the burning barn.  BUT WAIT!  Despite being burned to a cinder, werewolf-Andrew survives and, neatly pressed clothes uncharred, chases Louise up the stairs.  Bursting into her room, he’s met with a hail of bullets from Louise’s gun and collapses in the hallway as Whitaker arrives.  And, in true, time-honored, werewolf movie fashion, Andrew dies with his normal Andrew-face as Louise sobs “He knew!  He must have replaced my bullets with blessed bullets!”

Okay...in all fairness, for a made-for-TV movie, this wasn’t bad.  It wasn’t good either.  Barbara Rush played the sister with believability and Janssen, always looking like he’s suffering from some indigestion problems, was likeable as the Sheriff.  Because of some obscure pork-barrel politics, Bradford Dillman was required by Law to appear in every 70’s made-for-TV movie.  The sets appear to have been real Louisiana swamplands.  Beradino played the doctor in such a crotchety, unlikable way I’m surprised that any female, much less a lovely girl like Ellie, would have had anything to do with him.  The werewolf make-up was laughably BAD!  And the plot-holes...How was Andrew a werewolf?  Was he bitten by one before the movie began?  Or, as his sister explains, did he inherit the affliction from his Grandfather, who was given to “spells?”  And why did the Sheriff not bother to investigate any of the multitude of clues presented to him?  And, what about the super-human strength of the werewolf?  I don’t recall Lon Chaney, Jr., having the strength to rip through solid-steel cell bars!  And, someone should have told scriptwriter Alvin Sapinsley it’s SILVER BULLETS that kill werewolves, not blessed ones!  Still, for a 1970’s TV movie, it had a nice In the Heat of the Night atmosphere and nice little murder-mystery beginning, making for a nice little family-friendly werewolf movie.

Enjoy!  Or not!

MSTjunkie