Cambot's Voice #3-- I Was a Teenage Werewolf (MST3K-809)

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (MST3K-809)

Reviewed by:  S. J. Martiene

I mentioned in Experiment 1 that I was a Mom of two teenagers.  Some of the best, MSTied movies feature the teenager and B-movie genres.  It just so happens that this month’s feature, MST3K #809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf fits both bills perfectly.  Of course, they are SUPPOSE to be teenagers in this film, but Hollywood has an affinity for older actors playing high schoolers; ONE of which is playing our monster.  We have it all in this movie.  There is milk-throwing, raw meat eating, a Halloween party, bad singing, a mad scientist, and yes … a werewolf.  The fact that THIS particular lycanthrope is portrayed by none other than TV icon, Michael Landon makes this movie interesting for riffing on so many fronts.  There are Bonanza jokes, Little House on the Prairie jokes, and Highway to Heaven jokes.  There is even one riff dedicated to a 1976 autobiographical movie Landon wrote and directed called The Loneliest Runner.

I have to say that since re-watching this movie, the host segments are some of the best of the series.  With a runtime of only 76 minutes, the host segments are a bit more detailed and really show the comedic timing and writing talents of the gang.  So enjoy, as we take you through the exploits of 1957’s I Was a Teenage Werewolf.

HOST SEGMENT 1:

The Bots want to overthrow Mike as Captain of the ship, but they soon learn that none of them are capable of replacing him.  Crow and Tom nominate Gypsy, but she has to run the ship.  Crow has a set of creepy crawlers in the thing-maker … and well, Servo … is Servo.  He has prepared a “statement” on WHY he cannot be Captain.  This is one of my favorites, so read on, won’t we?

“…  I cannot be Captain, for you see dear friends, I am unfit to lead other men into battle, into space, or in a line dance.  I submit that if I picked my nose for a half an hour, my head would cave in.  I’m nary to know betwixt shinola and that other stuff.  I cannot lead because I cannot find my ass with both hands and a flashlight … I will now open the floor to questions about my accomplishments.”

Since Servo’s concession speech is over, Mike regains his position as Captain.  Servo mocks him as only a conceding Bot can.  Pearl, Brain Guy, and Professor Bobo are on Earth (somewhere).  They are camped out and Pearl has told Mike she is putting the crew on battery back up, disconnecting them from their main power source.  This upsets Mike greatly … “We’ll be without power???”  And then, what follows, is the BEST Pearl Forrester line ever:

“…  You know what else?  You’ll be without diapers too, you big, huge, giant babies!!  DEAL WITH IT!!”

Pearl packs up all the gear, and sends the guys a movie.  Soon, there’s a hull breach and Servo comes back with a face hugger.

MOVIE SIGN!

During this film, there are many parodies of the Bonanza theme song.  The movie opens with our lycanthropic protagonist, Tony, in a schoolyard fight.  Soon we see Detective Donovan (Barney Phillips).  You may remember him from the EXCELLENT Twilight Zone episode, Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?  He does what he can to calm Tony down, but he doesn’t want to have any of it.  You will notice a high number of Richard Jewell jokes during this segment.  Google him if you don’t remember what happened at the ’96 Olympics.  Anywho, Donovan wants Tony to see a “doctor/shrink/mad scientist.”  Tony disagrees and walks off with his girl.  The next scene takes us home and his Dad.  Tony protests too much when Dad tries to talk about his stubbornness.  His Dad leaves for work, chiding him NOT to eat his lamb chops raw like he did his burgers.  Tony has had enough of everyone yapping at him all day and we see the whole premise of his demise see ….MILK HURDLING!!  (All the guys make kitty meow sounds here)  The scene switches to Arlene’s house, where “Jabba the Husband” and the woman with “Aaron Burr’s Hairstyle” live.  They give the 50’s “talking” to the Tony the boyfriend.  Girlfriend starts harping about the doctor again. 

Now it is PARTY TIME…with vague “Kinda White” music, innocuous pranks, great lines, and the running joke with safety dummy, Resusi-Anne.  “Ah...kids those days!”  (Crow)

HOST SEGMENT 2

Crow has a Proximity Detector to see how bad the alien life forms are on the ship.  They are all OVER, problem is…..he had the wrong setting activated on the detector and was measuring the humidity.  They have LOTS of humidity, by the way.

MOVIE SIGN

Back to the party…  “Elvis J. Pollard” is singing.  “We are now entering a genital-free zone.”  (Servo)  The song is one of the worst ever, almost as bad as when Michael Landon was on the TV show Hullaballoo (Google that if it is around…YIKES).  After the song is over, the DUMB pranks start.  Mike:  “The Carnival of Souls boyfriend.”  One of the guys blows a horn in Tony’s ear … and suddenly it’s “The Sock Hop of the Damned” (Mike).  Tony slugs one of his friends and pushes down his girlfriend.  Servo laments, “I thought it was alright if I picked a little fight, Bonanza?”

That little episode at the party lands our little werewolf-to-be in the office of veteran B-movie actor, Whit Bissell (who was actually in some really good films too).  Bissell’s character, Dr. Brandon also has a sidebar conscience (his assistant played by Joseph Mell).  Dr. Brandon hypnotizes him, and he closes the session saying, “Soon…you’ll be yourself.”  “An angel, a cowboy, a pioneer dad.”  (Mike)

The kids have another gathering…but Tony is bumming.  Frank (another kid) isn't pairing up with anyone and will walk home alone. 

Cut to Frank walking home ALONE.  ”Ralph Fiennes IS Li’l Abner!”  (Crow)  “I was a teenage werewolf snack.”  (Servo)  We know Frank is TOAST he just runs and falls and falls and runs…and well…this IS a predictable set-up in a B-movie.

HOST SEGMENT 3

Servo hunts down face hugger and kills him.  Did I mention he was heavily armed?  He is going after the “beast” that has the ship surrounded.  Crow and Mike are taking bets on how long it takes Servo to cry.  And he does cry ...singing…”Don’t Cry Out Loud,” “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” and “(They’re Coming to) America.”

MOVIE SIGN

The movie returns and we find ourselves at the police station, with Detective Donovan.  Another policeman walks in.  This guy….NAMED GUY Williams did not get a first billing, but he became known later playing TV’s Zorro and Dr. John Robinson of Lost in Space.  Also, there is an introduction to Pepe, the janitor, at the police station who wanted to look at the pictures.  Pepe knows right away, the death is caused by a werewolf.  “You’re crazier than Dr. Smith!”  (Servo)

Tony goes back for another session at Dr. Brandon’s.  Tony is scared.  “I found a leather jacket in my stool this morning!”  (Servo)  Brandon keeps battling with his assistant.  Tony remains tense.

High school, high school and we have to see a girl in yucky gym leotards.  Tony talks to the principal and he gets kudos from her.  He leaves and starts watching the gymnast.  “It’s alright if I kill a couple of kids, Bonanza!”  (Crow)  He leaves the office and bells ring “Oops, he’s Johnny Depping.”  (Mike)  He attacks her in front of many people then, the poor girl dies.  “This is good, she caught him in the act and she can rub his nose in it.”  (Servo)  When the cops arrive, all the kids finger Tony, but they can’t believe it.  Even Dr. Brandon denies Tony could BE a werewolf.  Everyone gets a going over, the Dad, the girlfriend, and Tony is still howling up and down the woods.  “Just give him a Liv-a-snap.”  (Servo) 

HOST SEGMENT 4

The beast is laying GIANT alien eggs.  The guys start making omelets and …well, Crow starts designing the menu.  “She’s not around, which means she could be anywhere!”  (Servo)  Suddenly Crow becomes a restaurant critic.

MOVIE SIGN!

A search commences for Tony.  I’ll just list a series of riffs during this segment because there is no real action to describe except for guys peering through things.  “Try banging on his food dish, men.”  (Mike)  “The Bernard Hermann score really heightens the tension.”  (Servo)  “Looks like Paddington on a bender”  (Mike)  “This werewolf is an herbivore.  Luckily, this guy’s name is Herb.”  (Crow)  “Indiana Jones and his sidekick, Merle.”  (Crow)  “Never let Jose Feliciano lead your search party.”  (Mike)  “Sir, I think I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand.”  (Mike)  “1943- An Ewok makes it behind German lines” (Servo)

Finally Tony changes back to Tony.  He calls Arlene but cannot speak to her.  The police want to know who called her; she couldn't tell.  “…  I’ll check in with Huggy Bear.”  (Servo)  Tony then returns to Dr. Brandon, who decides to put him under one more time.  “Dogs can sense bad acting.”  (Servo)  Tony changes back into a wolf; this isn’t good for Whit Bissell.  The cops FINALLY come in and look at the debris field.  “Wow, a werewolf that size can really poop!”  (Servo)  They shoot to kill, guessing somewhere along the line the silver bullet necessity has been covered.  Tony is dead.  Whit Bissell is dead.  All that is left is for the police to cry over spilled werewolf.

The guys exit the theater and they soon see the alien has taken over the ship.  They have to reverse the ship polarities to remove it.  This didn’t work, so they have to do the one thing they were saving that would repulse the alien so much, it would have to leave.  Mike became Adam Duritz of Counting Crows.  It worked.  Once they regained control of the ship, we see Pearl telling ghost stories around the campfire to Bobo and Brain Guy.  She has them crying like little girls.

This movie is a howling good time.  Seriously, it has EVERYTHING.  I have seen it unriffed and riffed many, many times and every time I laugh my butt off.  If you get the chance to see it, don’t miss it. 

These following websites are invaluable for information.  Check them out, won’t we?

www.mst3kinfo.com

www.imdb.com

www.rifftrax.com

www.cinematictitanic.com

http://mst3k.wikia.com/wiki/Mystery_Science_Theater_3000_Wiki

http://mightyjackmst.com/

Movie Review: The Legend of Lizzie Borden by S. J. Martiene

On a steamy August day in 1893, Fall River, Massachusetts earned its spot in the annals of unsolved mysteries when two of its citizens, Andrew and Abbey Borden were brutally murdered. The story has always intrigued me (as do many stories of this type). The Borden’s youngest daughter, Lizzie Andrew Borden, was convicted, tried, and found NOT GUILTY of the crime. The real killer was never found.

On February 10^th, 1975, ABC aired THE LEGEND OF LIZZIE BORDEN as their Movie of the Week. I had just turned 14 and thereafter I could never forget Elizabeth Montgomery’s haunting performance, the wicked music score, and the fact that I would never, EVER want to eat mutton broth. The movie was in the exceptional, pure '70’s style and went on to win two Emmy Awards (Outstanding Achievements in Costume Design and Art Direction). Montgomery’s performance was nominated; however, she lost to Katharine Hepburn in LOVE AMONG THE RUINS. Despite Hepburn’s stalwart reputation, I still believe Montgomery should have won, particularly since it was such a stunning contrast to the role she was most famous for: Samantha Stevens, the bubbly good witch, in BEWITCHED (which ended its 8 year TV run in 1972).

The movie opens with the murder having already been committed. When Lizzie’s sister, Emma (played by SOAP’s Katherine Helmond), arrives home, she confronts Lizzie with a question, “Did you kill father?” A vacant-eyed Lizzie replies, “No, Emma, I did not.” Lizzie is quickly brought to trial, and the bulk of the movie is filled with the inquest, Lizzie’s imprisonment, and subsequent trial. One of the scenes that stayed with me since it first aired was the meal of rancid mutton and broth. Their housekeeper didn’t want to serve it, but Mr. Borden insisted. We get to see Mr. and Mrs. Borden eat away and grunt like pigs at the fly-ridden broth as Lizzie watches over in disgust. Watching the movie 37 years later does not lessen its foul-factor. YUCK!!

Right away, Lizzie is depicted as having some sociopathic tendencies, and loyal Emma remains at her side, even though she is a victim of Lizzie’s bullying. Emma brings Lizzie a beautiful hat (with ensemble) to wear at the trial and Lizzie goes off on her because she brought the wrong gloves. “Sometimes I actually believe you want to see me hang!” During an interview from a journalist (I DREAM OF JEANNIE’S Hayden Rourke) she portrays her father as a very generous and kind man, although they didn't even have the convenience of an inside bathroom.

The Borden home today, now a Bed-and-breakfast

Public sentiment is on Lizzie’s side, much to the chagrin of prosecuting attorney, Hosea Knowlton (Ed Flanders). “I guess it is to be expected. They haven’t had a good witch hunt in this area since Salem.” After much hub-bub, the trial gets started with testimony from Bridget Sullivan (the Borden housekeeper). She portrays the Borden home as a peaceful place to live and work, the flashbacks in Lizzie’s head beg to differ. Quarrels between Abbey, Andrew, and Lizzie were the norm. Accusations of theft, greed, miserliness, and physical threats abound as a matter of course. The trial continues into questions of the dress Lizzie was wearing and the amount of drugs that Lizzie was given. It has been said that all of the dialogue from the trial was taken from the actual court transcripts. I feel this lends to the movie’s authenticity. The contrast between the testimonies of witnesses and the “flashbacks” in Lizzie’s head are indeed some of the highlights. In the flashback during the questioning regarding the ax, Lizzie is at a general store, buys some poison, and shoplifts the ax. Another customer (played by TITANIC’s Gloria Stuart) brings it to the manager’s attention, but is told that “Old Man Borden always pays.” Evidently, Lizzie has a Five-Finger-Discount habit. The prosecution is frustrated when there is no sign of the victim’s blood or hair on the ax or on the dress Lizzie was wearing. As Lizzie thinks back, she remembers another time when Abbey Borden insisted the will be changed so she is not left penniless in the event of Andrew’s death. Lizzie is filled with rage.

At the Knowlton home, the trial is discussed and Hosea is not happy that Lizzie gets to hide behind her femininity to gain sympathy. Knowlton’s wife also begins to feel empathy for Lizzie, and recites one of the great lines from the movie. It simply illustrates how life was for women in the mid-1800’s.

“You have no idea how unbearably heavy these skirts can be at times.” Even today, that line resonates.

Back to the trial, Emma takes the stand and Lizzie thinks back to her relationship with her father. We’ll just say it is creepy, to say the least. As the trial closes, Lizzie maintains her innocence and now it is time for the verdict. While we wait for the foreman, the “truth” is shown through Lizzie’s eyes. If you have never seen the movie, then I will not spoil it for you. Let’s just say for TV in the 1970’s, it was pretty bold and gruesome. The foreman proclaims her innocence and she goes to the Borden home where Emma is waiting. Once again, she asks (and for the last time), “Lizzie, did you kill father?” This time the viewer is left with no answer; only the chilling refrain of children singing the oft-heard Lizzie Borden rhyme. And yes, I had nightmares after I saw it.

There have been many movies, documentaries, books, and even songs written about Lizzie Borden. In 1961, The Chad Mitchell Trio released an album with the song, LIZZIE BORDEN, on it. You can listen to it here: Lizzie Borden . There were also radio shows of what happened in Fall River and one that re-imagines the story. The re-imagining, titled THE OLDER SISTER was featured on ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS.

Emma and Lizzie Borden died within 10 days of each other in 1927. Their story continues to fascinate me.

The Legend of Lizzie Borden - YouTube

The Older Sister - Alfred Hitchcock Presents - YouTube

Monsters Wanted: DVD Review by S. J. Martiene

Monsters Wanted


Review by:  S. J. Martiene

Too early to talk about Halloween, you say? P’shaw, I SAY!!! It is NEVER too early to talk about the second biggest holiday of the year … and even now … preparations are being made to scare the poop out of you, dear reader. Oh yes, plans are being drawn up, and plots are being formed. NO, not the normal plotting that comes from your relatives, but from those hard-working people at your local Haunted Attractions. Do you know that planning has to start in the heat of a summer night? Well, it does, my candy corn chomping friends. Today, we are going to focus on one place. It is a place that exists not too far from where I grew up in Kentucky, but first a little back story.

Long ago, three decades ago or more, your humble servant had a brief stint as a Haunted House Actor. I performed in two separate haunted houses in North Central Kentucky during the early 1980’s. My duties were varied from zombie, to Mad Doctor’s victim, to “screamer”. Though the ones I worked were small-town, and on a much, much smaller scale than detailed in the MONSTERS WANTED documentary, I can empathize with the creators of Asylum Haunts (Louisville, KY). We also had to build our own sets, create our own costumes, do our own make-up, and hope we were not too exhausted at the end to want to do it again the next year.

MONSTERS WANTED is a documentary taking us through the good, bad, and the scary ugly of what it takes to put out a high end haunted theme attraction. The Asylum Haunted Scream Park is NOT just a haunted house….but a 40-acre world borne from the maniacal hard work and creative minds of Richard Treachout and Janel Nash. The time span of the documentary takes us from July 2, 2011 until Closing night October 28, 2011, detailing the openings of Darkness Falls, Zombie City, and Carnivale of Lost Souls.

The viewer is taken through what IS actually a theatrical production. There are stage managers, auditions and fine-tuning auditions. There are production meetings, staff meetings, and problems with logistics, sets, and people. As with any good production, there are always personality clashes, and they were evident here. HOWEVER, it seemed (with one glaring exception – JOE), that most of the people running Asylum Haunts were pretty much trying to stay on the same page despite the pressures of time and money. Oh, and let’s not forget this is an OUTDOORS production so, they had to deal with stuff getting rained on and the heat…and by the end of the movie you could see everyone’s breath when they were speaking. AH, weather in the Ohio Valley!!

As the months pass, we not only get treated to the birth of this HUGE Halloween baby, but we get a peek at several other holiday-oriented events that happened. One is The Transworld Trade Show in St. Louis, Missouri. This show is for proprietors of haunted attractions and premieres the latest and greatest in Halloween gore and more. It’s kind of like a toy trade show for adults. I thought it was pretty fun how Treachout wanted to look at everything and see if they could make it cheaper “with duct tape”. It is fitting that MONSTERS WANTED was shown at the 2013 trade show. Also, I discovered that Asylum Haunts is one of the sponsors of the annual Zombie Walk in Louisville. People get dressed up, there are bands playing, food, and they swarm in on one part of the city each year. I have relatives that go to this each year and have a blast. If I still lived in Kentucky and was about 20 years younger, I probably would attend too, but it does occur on my husband’s birthday each year, so I don’t know if that would work out or not. The documentary also covered other haunted attractions in the Louisville area, such as Baxter Avenue Morgue Haunted House and The Haunted Hotel. There is enough scare to go around for everyone in Jefferson County and the surrounding areas.

As the days closed in on opening night, there was the usual drama one could expect from this type of large-scale event: actors quitting, equipment failing, and the general “idea-in-the-head-not-playing-out-as-well-in-real-life.” It didn’t take long for things to start running fairly well, and everyone was enjoying the job and scaring people, discounting the two concussions of course.

Overall, I really liked this documentary. I thought it was VERY well-done and made me feel good that it was done “back home”. The only parts I didn’t care for was some of the language and getting no warning before a certain artist started stapling and piercing himself. I am probably in the minority on this overall, but if the f-bomb is part of one’s everyday verbiage, allow it to be bleeped so others do not have to hear it. As for the performer, once I realized what the he was doing, I could not watch that part of the documentary … ewww … I mean … ewww …

Aside from those two things, for me, it was wonderful. Richard Treachout, left a well-paying job to focus his entire energy on this project and the fact he and Nash went through their life-savings and were essentially broke after this is not lost on the viewer. They are both incredibly dedicated to this project and I am sure they will have many successful years ahead of them. They have probably created many memories for thousands of people across Kentuckiana and beyond…and not many of us can say we’ve done that in our lives. If you get the chance to see this documentary on DVD, do not hesitate, especially if you love Halloween.

Please check out the links below and show them some support. After checking today, I do not see 2014 dates set, but I’m sure that will be updated soon. And if you happen to be in the Kentuckiana area during the Halloween season and are looking for a scare, visit The Asylum Haunted Scream Park.

www.aslymhaunts.com

www.facebook.com/asylumhaunts

www.facebook.com/louisvillezombiewalk

The Price of Fear (or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Man) by S. J. Martiene

Once upon a time, when I was but a little ghoul, I watched The Last Man on Earth on FRIGHT NIGHT with The Fearmonger.  Tweener that I was (and having two tormenting younger brothers), I was irrationally frightened of all those zombies and bothered that there was only ONE guy left on earth to fight them.  My brothers further exacerbated that fear by banging on our (the room I shared with my sister) bedroom door shouting, “MORGAN!!  MORGAN!!!  Come out, MORGAN!!!”  As they would return to their room, giggling, the eventual result of their teasing started a great fascination v. fear complex with Vincent Price.  The movie, The Tingler, did nothing to abate my fears.  Those William Castle touches of turning the “blood” in the film red made me want to turn away; or at least cover my eyes so I could peek between my fingers at the rest of the story.  It wasn’t until I was much older and wiser that I learned to love Vincent Price movies, TV Shows, and Radio Programs seeking out as many as I could view.  I have become a full-blown fangirl.

Vincent Price was born on May 27^th, 1911 (a birthday he shares with Christopher Lee).  This month marks the end of the “Vincentennial” (as it has been pegged), a year-long celebration of the actor’s life with special events schedule in St. Louis around the time of his birthday.  This festival included movies, forums, and a display of memorabilia from his fans. 

The lucky people who were fortunate enough to meet or exchange correspondence with Mr. Price said he was a kind man and always had time for his fans.  I think hearing that was one of the main reasons I became so interested in seeing as much of his body of work as possible.  Perhaps through that, I COULD get to know him better.  When he passed in 1993, I (along with many others), were deeply saddened.  The solace we took in it was the knowledge he had over 50 years of work etched into film, TV, and radio.  We could ALWAYS see and hear him.  For that, I will always be grateful.

One of the nice things about being a fan of Vincent Price is that he was able to handle many genres effectively.  His range included being a comedic actor in SERVICE DE LUXE, HIS KIND OF WOMAN and COMEDY OF TERRORS, to dramatic performances in DRAGONWYCK, ELIZABETH AND ESSEX, and WHALES OF AUGUST, to ANY and ALL of his sinister performances throughout the decades.  He never became too much of a “just for adults” type actor.  Price did many animated feature voiceover performances as well:  The Great Mouse Detective, The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Tim Burton’s Vincent, are just a few of the shows that endeared him to younger audiences too.  On TV, he could be the villainous Egghead (of the Batman TV series) or guest star on Columbo, The Bionic Woman, and Alfred Hitchcock Presents.  Whether villain, comedy relief, or dramatic presence, having Vincent Price in the cast made THAT show better.  Finally, on radio, he was the long-time voice of The Saint, a frequent guest on Suspense, and later in his career he had his own show called The Price of Fear.  He could be murderer or hero.  It never mattered.  He was excellent.

Now, I’m not going to get through highlights of his entire repertoire.  You, gentle reader, would be here for DAYS.  I will highlight some of my favorites.

MOVIES:

In His Kind of Woman, a film noir/comedy, Vincent plays (to the hilt) a ham actor named Mark Cardigan.  Nasty, noir-ish things are happening all around him with Robert Mitchum, Jane Russell, and Raymond Burr, but he doesn’t have a clue.  He tries to be a hero ... BUT does he succeed?  TCM runs this movie fairly often, so check it out!  Here is an example of the great lines:

Dan Milner: I'm too young to die. How about you?
Mark Cardigan: Too well-known.
Dan Milner: Well, if you do get killed, I'll make sure you get a first-rate funeral in Hollywood, at Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
Mark Cardigan: I've already had it. My last picture died there.

In Comedy of Terrors he is teamed up with fellow horror-genre actors Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and Basil Rathbone.  Price plays Waldo Trumbull, an undertaker, who has a scheme to drum up business:  killing his own customers!  The interplay between all these actors (Basil Rathbone is Shakespearean-quoting ham in this flick) PLUS the added talent of Joyce Jameson as the long-suffering Mrs. Trumbull, makes this movie a standout.  I could not pick just one line to quote on this one.  The entire film shoots arrows from beginning to end.

Vincent Price co-starred with Gene Tierney in films three times:  Laura, Leave Her to Heaven and Dragonwyck.  ALL of these films are among my favorites.  The only change I would like to have seen is Price in the lead male role in Leave Her to Heaven.  I never could understand why Ellen (Tierney) would choose Cornel Wilde over Vincent Price … maybe that’s just me.

RADIO

Over the last decade, I have become a HUGE fan of Old Time Radio shows.  The site, www.archive.org is a great place to retrieve these shows.  I like them because I load them up on my mp3 player and listen daily.  The Saint series, though not well-liked by some because of its writing, featured Price as private eye Simon Templar.  This character was portrayed in the movies by George Sanders, Roger Moore, and Val Kilmer.  He fit this role well as it had both comedy and action elements.  Price also had some very good stories on radio’s Suspense, Escape, and his own show, Price of Fear.  The story, Three Skeleton Key (series, Escape) is considered the best of all the renditions.  You can listen to it here:  http://www.archive.org/details/ThreeSkeletonKey.  It is the story of three men trapped in a lighthouse after it is run over with rats.  I don’t know that there was ever a movie made from this story, but it would be a good one.  In The Hunting Trip (with character actor Lloyd Nolan), Fugue in C Minor (with the WONDERFUL Ida Lupino), and Rave Notice, he is either murderer or … accidental victim.  I’ll let you listen to those and find out for yourself.

 

Television

I’ve had the most fun trying to find as many of Vincent Price’s TV work as I can.  He did quite a bit of guest roles in many shows I watched growing up:  Batman, The Red Skelton show, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Columbo, The Brady Bunch, The Bionic Woman, and Night Gallery.  He also had the job as a narrator of A Christmas Carol, a 1949 TV short.

In addition to all of this he

was an author, art collector, a gourmet cook, and he recorded many gothic horror stories to LP.  A Coven of Witches Tales is probably my favorite.  Someone kindly added them to their website which you can find here:  http://www.thesoundofvincentprice.com/coven1.html.

If I am in the mood for comedy, drama, or film noir or horror, I can ALWAYS find something starring Vincent Price.  I’m never disappointed except in the cases where I wished he had more of a presence.  The above scribblings have been only a few of the reasons I am such a fangirl.  I know I left out many movies worth mentioning but you see, I’ve only scratched the surface. 

A quote attributed to Price is as follows:   

“I've come to believe remembering someone is not the highest compliment - it is missing them.”

And yes, in Vincent Price’s case….I miss him very much.

Killer Shrimp, Demon Bats, Geese….AND RIFFS!

On April 1st, 2014 humankind’s sense of humor was given a wonderful gift.  The National Geographic Channel and the guys from RiffTrax (Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett) got together for some nature, nit-picking, and riffs galore!  I’ve always loved when the guys voiced animals.  To me, it’s hilarious.  Three shows were chosen, and I have broken the shows into tasty nuggets so that maybe you may wish to go and purchase the riffs (links provided at the end of the article) and ENCOURAGE NGC to have our laughing boys do some more shows.  So without further delay, I bring you TOTAL RIFF OFF!!!

Show #1 – Killer Shrimp n’ Friends – This show is simply a bunch of different naughty animals and their rather enthusiastic storytellers.

KILLER SHRIMP

Karen (VERY EXCITED): Watch out when Mantis meets mantis

Mike: Dial it back lady you’re talking about shrimp

GEOGRAPHER’S CONE SNAIL

Narrator:  it’s designed to kill fish but it can take out people

Mike:  Vengeance for centuries of escargot-eating

HONEY BADGER

Narrator: On today’s menu lizards hidden under the bark of the tree…

Bill:  Plus endless salad bar

The final scene with the honey badger ends with a juvenile devouring a rodent, “Let’s see those pansies at Meerkat Manor deal with something like this,” Mike exclaims.

MARLEY, THE THONG-EATING CAVALIER KING CHARLES SPANIEL (I do not exaggerate) 

Dr. Ehrlicman: …We did see a tag that was protruding from her rectum

Mike:  We then discovered she was a stuffed animal

The narrator here sounds SO MUCH like Mike, it isn't even funny … well … I guess it is particularly when one tries to imagine Mike narrating straight-face a story about a dog who eats a teenage girl’s thong underwear and has to have them (yeah … as in more than one) surgically removed.

THE DUNGLOE SEAL 

This is the story of Sally the Seal who was domesticated by a kindly vet and could not readjust to a normal life.  They become really close, the vet opens a seal sanctuary, and eventually Sally dies.

Miriam:  He decided to bury Sally behind the house

Bill:  Next to Old Yeller and Bambi’s Mom.

DINO BIRD - CASSOWARY

Narrator:  You don’t usually think of a bird as being a killer…

Kevin:  Unless you’re Alfred Hitchcock.

Most of the animals were described as “badass,” some even “bad@$$.”  The adjective was used SO often that the show could have been renamed, BAD@$$ Animals. 

Respect the cassowary….

KOALA 

Koala’s are lazy and disgusting, especially the babies.  I shall NOT go into much detail here, just look up the word “pap” and that should tell you more than you need to know about Koalas—EWWWWW.

TASMANIAN DEVIL

Karen “Doc” Halligan was the MOST annoying of all the NatGeo narrators/spokespeople.  She could have been riffed on her own.

Narrator:  Tasmanian Devils steal food … even from people.

Kevin:  They’re probably stealing from you RIGHT NOW!!

More animals get introduced during the closing credits to Bill’s protests, “STOP INTRODUCING THINGS!!”  They are so good with animal riffs, some of my favorites.

Show #2 – Demon Bat

 

This show centers on a greasy-haired guy searching for the Demon Bat in Mexico among people who do not want to be filmed.  “Also, you may not want to say you’re hunting for a killer bat if you don’t want the entire village to point and laugh at you.”  (Kevin)  “These people even have their OWN language,” adventurer guy boasts.  “It’s called SPANISH, or something like that.”(Bill).

After some theatrics and hullabaloo with the local shaman he makes his way to the … batcave … ahem.  [ASIDE:  This show reminded me of Geraldo Rivera’s failed attempt to show what was in one of Al Capone’s vaults.  We now return to our show.]  Our hero approaches the “monster’s lair.”  “He says the same thing when he goes to the post office.”  (Mike)  After going through a tortuous and arduous journey through the cave of treacherous conditions with plenty of guano, he shouts, “That looks like a bat!”  “Should’ve brought someone who has at least seen a bat.”  (Mike)  For some reason he switches gears to go elsewhere.  Ah, those crazy Mayans and their crazy bats.  Our intrepid explorer braves high water, washed out roads, red ants, and the locals to find something … ANYTHING … that resembles a demon bat.  He gets advice from a native.  “He just gave him directions to his crazy uncle’s machete-murder barn” (Mike).

Our traveler loses his guide, so he is on his own.  “All historical research based on Indiana Jones movies” (Kevin).  “If he wanted to be under the shadow of some bat-like god, he should have gone to a KISS concert.”  (Bill)  Twenty-one minutes into the show, we get to see FRUIT BATS!!  Our guy takes a picture of some carvings and finally hits pay dirt, according to some knowledgeable advisor.  “This is a cave, if I were a bat, I would live here,” he proudly states.  “If he was a bat, he’d fly straight into a bug zapper” (Bill).  Finally, half-way through the show – WE SEE THE BATS!!  More … FRUIT-eating bats.  “And so we continued our search for things we weren't really looking for.”  (Bill) Our traveler interviews more scared villagers, and they talk about attacks on people and livestock.  The decision is made to set a bat trap. He finally catches a vampire bat, with “blood on its breath.”  “There’s hamburger on your breath, hypocrite.” (Mike)  He wants to learn more and there are three more minutes of show to kill.  “I smell a hippie somewhere.”  (Kevin, as a bat)  Thank goodness that horror is over.

“Nature, it’s GROSS!!”  (Kevin)

Show #3 – Guy and a Goose- This show’s theme centers on people and animals. We go from a goose to gators to a cadaver-seeking spaniel.

DOMINIC AND THE GOOSE 

Dominic began getting stalked by a goose, named Maria.  “Turned out it was just Val Kilmer looking for work” (Mike).  We have several minutes of guy and goose, and a music video and a park rehab project ensue.  Through all this, a cycle wreck, and a trip to the zoo, we discover Maria is a MARIO.

Narrator:  Some where this story will have a happy ending.

Bill:  It will involve orange sauce.

GATOR RETRIEVAL 

We meet a gator removal crew probably in the Florida Everglades.  “You’ll never make a crocodile mile out of me, coppers!!”  (Kevin)  “Hang on, it sounds like a Seinfeld episode is tryin’ to start” (Mike).  “Still no shoes, huh?”  (Bill)  “That’s what the gator is for” (Mike).

WILD HOGS 

Next up is a wild hog removal team checking traps.  “Hopefully enough for one baconator” (Kevin).  The crew decides to get more hands on.  “Chasing a feral pig, what could possibly go wrong?”  (Mike)

MORE GATORS 

After a brief sidetrack to raccoons, our swamp crew returns to gators.  “Knowing alligators can kill him is what makes him a legend.”  (Kevin)  “Gator-trappin’ is mostly about the laughs.”  (Bill)  Throughout this segment we all learn why PAUL of the gator crew is a LEGEND.  I suspect he is also WINNING.

CADAVER DOGS:  Belgian Shepherd Malinois vs. Cocker Spaniel 

This segment centers on a business specializing in training cadaver dogs used in military and law enforcement situations and a customer, a contractor named Rodney, who has his heart set on a particular breed.

Owner: Rodney technically likes the Malinois, but I’m going to push a Cocker Spaniel on him.

Kevin:  And while he’s distracted by that, I’m going to slap him in the face with a pug.

They go through different cadaver scents (up to and INCLUDING actual body parts) to show how impressive the spaniel (named Bullwinkle) truly is.  “We've ALL murdered here, let’s be honest.”  (Kevin)  Bullwinkle gave a great performance.  “He smelt it AND found out who dealt it.”  (Mike)  Never fear folks, the Rodney and Bullwinkle Show WILL go on.

All in all, I really LOVED the RiffTrax/NatGeo collaboration on April 1st.  The shows have already aired again on NGC and are available at the links below for $4.99 per episode.  It’s definitely worth the laughs because there is so much more than I can capture in this article.  So please check it out, and write your cable providers, won’t you?  Thank you.

http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-1-killer-shrimp-n-friends

http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-2-demon-bat

http://www.rifftrax.com/video/total-riff-episode-3-guy-and-goose

For the Love of Laughter, Horror (and Hosts), and CHEESE!

S. J. Martiene

For as long as I can remember I have enjoyed a good laugh, a good fright, and have been exposed to my fair share of bad movies.  Growing up with Bugs Bunny, The Marx Brothers, Bob Hope, Carol Burnett, Johnny Carson, The Dean Martin Roasts, and the endless one-liners from the ORIGINAL Hollywood Squares game show, I became quite skilled with the “aside”, sarcasm, innuendo, and just downright belly-laughing guffaws.  Oh yeah, I failed to include HEE HAW in that mix (along with too many other names and shows).  That show instilled its own kind of humor which is still with me to this day.  During my pre-teen and teenage years, I was fortunate to spend some of my movie-watching hours at the drive-in.  To this day, I can remember vividly some of the shock, schlock, and shivers.  I remember the taste and the smell of the popcorn, the anticipation of the Intermission Countdown, and the crackle of the speakers. All of these are wonderful memories indeed, and helpful to drown out the painful thoughts of the hometown drive-in that was destroyed to make room for a strip mall.

Accompanied with this outside-the-home movie enjoyment, we had our own TV Horror Host (The Fear Monger).  Between his Saturday night escapades, I was exposed to arguably the greatest TV decade EVER, particularly for the horror, suspense, and crime genre.  Seriously, with fare like Kolchak: The Night Stalker, The NBC Mystery Movie, Circle of Fear, and movies like The Legend of Lizzie Borden, Crowhaven Farm, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, and Gargoyles how could I NOT love it!!  I still watch these on coveted DVDs today!!!  Ah the 70’s, full of highs and many personal lows, but little did I know that it would be nearly another 20 years of living before another show would cram EVERYTHING together for me in a nice, neat Cowtown Puppet Show package.

FAST FORWARD:  March 1992

So I went to school, went to work, had moved to South Florida where I would meet my future husband and we would start our family.  In March ’92, I was watching The Comedy Channel (Comedy Central’s first name), and I discovered something beautiful.  There was this guy, with two robots, in a spaceship theater, and they were TALKING through The Crawling Hand. It was love at first sight.  Whenever work and life schedule would permit it, I was watching this show.  Then, I noticed the show always ended with a salute to “The authors of the First Amendment and The Teachers of America” AND then it would say…”KEEP CIRCULATING THE TAPES”.  SO I started recording the episodes as often as I could.   And it is this show that I have taught my boys to love and that we are STILL watching a quarter-century later:  Mystery Science Theater 3000.

As many know, MST3K started as a local show in Minneapolis (KTMA) in 1989 and was the brain-child of comedian-extraordinaire, Joel Hodgson.  It revolved around a maintenance guy (Joel Robinson played by Hodgson) who worked for two nefarious characters, Dr. Erhardt (Josh “Elvis” Weinstein) and Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu), at Gizmonic Institute.  He was forced into a human experiment of watching painfully bad movies to break his spirit. Erhardt and Forrester thought that the success of this experiment would further their advancement in conquering the world.  Joel, getting lonely in space, created robots from things he found around the ship.  These robots would become his children, friends, and sparring partners and two of them would even accompany him into the theater to share his movie experiences:  Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.

Josh Weinstein gave Tom Servo life during the KTMA year and the “official” Season 1 on Comedy Central.  Trace Beaulieu managed Crow T. Robot from the beginning until MST3K left CC to join The Sci-Fi Channel (now SyFy) in 1997.  All of them, along with Kevin Murphy (Future Tom Servo), Michael J. Nelson (future host), and Bill Corbett (future Crow T. Robot), Frank Coniff (TV’s Frank who replace Weinstein in Season 2) and many others added their own comedy touches within the writing of the show.  The humor would normally stay current with many pop culture references to the 60’s and 70’s (which I identified with completely).  Every once in awhile, there will be a topical political joke or pun that could get lost in future years.  The greatest thing about this show is that it was great at being an “EQUAL OPPORTUNITY POLITICAL JOKESTER”.  What I mean by that is that the SHOW did not take sides, and I loved that so much.  I remember that is why I loved Johnny Carson because he railed BOTH sides of the aisle.  For this reason and because the show never strayed from what it was – three characters sitting and making fun of movies, it will likely remain a cult favorite.  And let’s face it, most of us have talked to our TV sets all our lives!!!   AND…they got to do it in a THEATER…..now THAT was cool.

Another element that endeared me to Mystery Science Theater was it contained many characteristics of the “Horror Host” movies so prevalent in my younger years.  I became acquainted with the opening segments and skits between commercial breaks.  As a kid, I always felt this broke the tension of the very SCARY movies being aired that night.  As an adult, I found these bits filled with dry humor and wonderful sight gags that I continue to use today.  The tribute to the Horror Host was quite evident.  There were mad scientists, invention exchanges, running jokes from episode to episode, cheap props, and the destruction of civilizations – all neatly confined on the bone-shaped ship called The Satellite of Love.  Of course, there was an Umbilicus that connected them to Deep 13 (The Mads’ Lair), but that is going to lead to some tedious detail about the show’s final years…and well…..JUST WATCH, okay?????  In addition, there were all kinds of visitors and intruders on the SOL over the years; from Demon Dogs to Nanites.  Even a quarter-century after its birth, MST3K is still gaining fans and getting DVD releases each year.  Not bad for a show that used broken pieces of a Hungry Hungry Hippo game and Millennium Falcon model as parts for the set.

Lastly, the show EMBRACED the bad movie.  Lord knows that if Hollyweird knows how to put out one product well, it is the cheesy flick.  Not all of the MST3K library includes the horror/sci-fi genre either, sometimes it would delve into the Action (MST3K #614 San Francisco International), Fantasy (MST3K #505 The Magic Voyage of Sinbad), Teenage Angst (MST3K #507 I Accuse My Parents), and the occasional Ed Wood or Coleman Francis film (because they deserve their own category, don’t they? ... hmmmm???).  Personally, I love the horror and science fiction genres the best; HOWEVER, many laughs are to be had at the expense of these other films, along with the short subjects that sometimes accompany movies who’s running times needed padding.  If you are a child of the 1960’s, you may remember actually viewing some of those short subjects in school.  Personally, I remember seeing Keeping Neat and Clean (MST3K #613 The Sinister Urge) in one of our Health Classes, AND I am pretty sure I also was lucky (ahem) to see The Chicken of Tomorrow (MST3K #702 The Brute Man). I’m sure there were many others too.  It’s a shame today’s kids are not exposed to these cinematic morsels, but MY BOYS ARE…. hee hee hee.  And no, don’t call CPS, it is NOT an enforceable offense – I've checked.

We are fortunate today that Mystery Science Theater lives on through tapes, DVDs, and even is streamed through Netflix, Hulu, and shows can be found on YouTube.  Many of the show’s members branched out to do their own incarnations of MST3K in other ventures.  Joel Hodgson headed Cinematic Titanic which did live appearances and DVD releases.  They disbanded in 2013 as members (which included Frank Coniff and Trace Beaulieu) decided to do other projects.  Hodgson revived the old Comedy Central format of an MST3K Turkey Day celebration by running a humorous and heartfelt marathon on a YouTube channel on Thanksgiving Day 2013.  It was simply AMAZING!!!  The most successful spin-off has been the RiffTrax collaboration of Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett.  The RT crew leaves NOTHING unscathed:  Shorts, serials, good movies, bad movies, blockbusters, or the blockbuster.  They utilize video-on-demand where customers have the option to download the movies to their own devices OR purchase DVD’s.  RiffTrax can also bypass excruciating “rights” purchases by just selling commentaries to movies most of can rent or readily acquire.  Do you know how much fun it has been to watch ALL the Star Wars movies completely riffed???  It is sheer joy, my friend…pure joy.

In conclusion, if you like to laugh and you don’t mind some of your precious little films getting stepped on, seek out Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic, and RiffTrax.  DO IT!!  Do it NOW…..DON’T LOSE ANOTHER DAY!!!

www.mst3kinfo.com

www.cinematictitanic.com

www.rifftrax.com