Unimonster's Crypt

SANTA CLAUS Vs. SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS---the legacy of K. Gordon Murray

2011-12-21T02:34:00.000-05:00

At this festive time of year with Christmas hard upon us and with office parties helping those visions of sugarplums dance in our heads, this is a good time to discuss two of entrepreneur K. Gordon Murray's Holiday film greats. One is the perennial seasonal favorite, SANTA CLAUS (imported by Murray and released in 1960), and the other is that timeless classic, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964).

SANTA CLAUS lives high above us on a cloud where, using a telescope and a listening device made up of an oscillating fan and a disembodied ear, he keeps his sites on the children below. Aiding in this is Merlin the Magician and a large group of children from around the World. When his surveillance system made up of two big red lips tells him that Pitch is trying to ruin Christmas, Santa, unable to leave the North Pole until Christmas Eve, watches helplessly from above. Down below, a poor child named Lupita longs for a dolly for Christmas. However, her unemployed parents are so poor they can't even afford furniture! Pitch tells Lupita to steal a dolly and she almost does.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Billy, the neglected son of wealthy socialite parents, longs for their loving presence. However, they prefer to drink at a local establishment rather than spend time with their sad and lonely son on Christmas Eve. Three local boys plan to break into Billy's home and steal his presents. They also hatch a plan to kidnap Santa and force him to hand over the presents intended for children Worldwide! Finally, it's Christmas Eve and Santa can leave his outer-space cloud and venture forth to the aid of these children, armed with a magical flower and some sleeping powder given to him by Merlin. Will Santa dispel Pitch and his evil plans to stop Christmas from coming!?! Will Lupita get her dolly? Will Billy's parents learn the evils of their ways? Will the three bad boys foil Santa's intended yearly trip to Mexico City!?!

From it's opening scene of Santa rocking it on his pipe organ as little children (angels?) sing along to Lupita's hallucinogenic dreams of over-sized taunting dolls to Billy's sleeping parents being delivered back to him in coffin-like boxes, this is without a doubt one of the strangest and most disturbing children's Holiday movies ever made! In one scene deleted for American import, it shows a long line of hooded and chained lost souls being lead into Hell, their voices filling the air with sorrowful wails. As of October 2011, it was voted by IMDB users as #54 on its bottom 100 worst movies list. No box office is available probably because it never had a general theatrical release. Instead, K. Gordon Murray booked the film for children's matinees where it would be shown once or twice before moving on to the next theater. It was featured on December 24, 1993 during the fifth season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as experiment # 521.

Unlike the above film, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS is not one of K. Gordon Murray's imports. In fact, there is nothing to suggest he had anything to do with this movie. However, like SANTA CLAUS, it does take place in space. The people of Mars, namely Momar and Kimar, are worried because their children Girmar (played by 8-year old Pia Zadora) and Bomar are watching too much Earth TV featuring Santa Claus. Consulting an old Martian sage named Chochem, he tells Momar and Kimar that the children are becoming distracted and depressed because they have no Santa on Mars. Therefore, Kimar sends Voldar, Stobo and Shim to Earth to kidnap Santa. Upon arrival on Earth, they can't decide which one is the real Santa, and which are the store Santas so they kidnap two Earth children, Billy and Betty, to help find the real one. However, once the Martians have the real Santa, Voldar takes a dislike to him and tries to kill him. Once on Mars Santa, along with Billy and Betty, begins to build toys. Another Martian named Dropo takes a shine to Santa and tries to emulate him by dressing up as Santa. However, Voldar reprograms the toy-building machine and it begins to make unworkable toys. In addition to that, Voldar kidnaps Dropo (who's disguised as Santa) and takes him to a cave. However, when Voldar goes back to the toy factory and sees the real Santa, he realizes the gig is up and is arrested along with Stobo and Shim. Dropo is named Mars' first Santa and the real Santa, Billy and Betty are returned to Earth.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS certainly has better production values than SANTA CLAUS. In addition, because it was American made at an abandoned aircraft hanger on Long Island, New York, it didn't have to be dubbed. Moreover, it's not as dark and disturbing as SANTA CLAUS. True that SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS is listed among the 100 Most Amusingly Bad Movies Ever Made in the Golden Raspberry Awards book The Official Razzie Movie Guide and is one of the films included in Harry Medved's book The Fifty Worst Films of All Time. Mystery Science Theater 3000 used it as experiment #321 during the third season (see S. J. Martiene's excellent review of that experiment in this month's Crypt!) and again in the MST3K spin-off Cinematic Titanic in November 2008. It has been rumored since 2000 that it will be remade with David Zucker producing and with Jim Carrey attached to play Dropo but that is believed to be languishing in development hell.

So which, in my opinion, should be chosen as The Worst Christmas Movie Ever Made and why? SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS! And why? In one word, Dropo! The sight of that giggling, mincing, little man-boy rolling around on the floor makes me mad! Mean mad! Had not actor Bill McCutcheon, who played Dropo, died is 2002 I'd hunt him down and punch him in the throat! *A-hem*

Now, let's have a brief look at the man behind the silliness that is SANTA CLAUS, K. Gordon Murray was born Kenneth "Kagey" Gordon Murray in 1922 in Bloomington, IL. A carny at heart, the smooth-talking K. Gordon used his circus connections to hire the midgets for the 1939 MGM movie THE WIZARD OF OZ. After marrying his lifelong sweetheart, the couple tried their hand in Hollywood but it was ultimately in Miami that K. Gordon made his most important movie connection in showman Kroger Babb!

Together, they imported a little known Mexican movie titled SANTA CLAUS that, once dubbed into English, made so much money it was the only film in U.S. history to be released profitably for three decades! And with it, K. Gordon became "King of the Kiddie Matinee" importing and releasing such films as LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD AND THE MONSTERS (1962), SANTA CLAUS AND HIS HELPERS (1964), THE MAGIC LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE (1965) and SANTA'S MAGIC KINGDOM (1966). But, there was also a more adult side of K. Gordon. While he would continue importing children's movies, he also tried his hand successfully at more adult fare such as SWAMP OF THE LOST MONSTERS (1965), WRESTLING WOMEN Vs. THE AZTEC MUMMY (1965), as writer of the surprisingly nasty exploitation movie SHANTY TRAMP (1967) and THE WITCH'S MIRROR (1960/ 1969).

In total, K. Gordon would release 60 movies during a 15-year period. But, troubles began with the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) who confiscated his prints. Before he could make it to Court to reclaim his prints, K. Gordon Murray died of a heart attack on December 30, 1979. He was 57—ironically, this was at the same age and on the same date that Murray's father died.

By the time of his death however, the days of the "Kiddie Matinee" were almost over. The big studios and major exhibitors came up with a contractual clause stating if an exhibitor won a bid on a picture, they had to play it on weeknights and weekends. This move killed the Kiddie Matinee in one swoop. However, Murray's fairy tales will live on in the hearts and minds of anyone who's seen them.

Merry Christmas...if that's OK!

MSTjunkie

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: BLOODY NEW YEAR—aka—TIME WARP TERROR

2011-12-21T02:28:00.000-05:00

Title: BLOODY NEW YEAR—aka—TIME WARP TERROR

Year of Release—Film: 1987

Five teenagers (Suzy Aitchison, Nikki Brooks, Colin Heywood, Mark Powley and Catherine Roman), strangers to each other for the most part, meet at a carnival when one of them is attacked by a rowdy pair of thugs. The teens escape in a small boat that soon takes them to an island where a long-abandoned (but surprisingly tidy) hotel awaits. Little do they realize that tragedy hit that very hotel on New Year’s Eve 1959. And, that the not-so-departed partygoers of that long ago gala event wait for fresh blood. And, little do they know that the pair of rowdies, along with the carnival's owner, are fast on their heels, seeking revenge! Will the terrified teens escape the island? More importantly, at the end of 90 minutes, will the audience members even care?

BLOODY NEW YEAR had a good premise, that of zombies and ghosts and hauntings. But apparently, it was fed it through the long and expensive process known as suspense-extraction because it's painfully dull! Passable make-up effects were left to linger a long and painful death by cast members who fail to act or react to them. Take this scene as an example. One teen girl turns around to discover her friend has turned into a part-zombie, part-scaly-faced monster. Her reaction is to stand there expressionless for several agonizingly slow moments before letting out a single scream! Now, my reaction if I just saw my friend turned into some hideous thing would be to beat feet so fast the heels on my rubber soles would melt! This is not a singular episode! The acting was competent but everyone in this movie had the same blank expression. It's as if reactions and emoting were cash and payday wasn't until a week from Friday!

Special effects can make or break a movie and BLOODY NEW YEAR is no exception. The special effects in this were actually quite inventive. From the stop-action duck head newel posts that gnaw at one girl to the attack during which two teens must do battle against common kitchen implements to ghostly apparitions materializing and evaporating again, they belied the low budget. And a few scenes stood out as highly effective such as the girl being assimilated into an elevator's walls and a Sheik jumping out of a black and white movie and strangling one of the male teens. The camera work, especially the outdoor work, was above par, too. The script, though hackneyed today, was for 1987 fresh and inventive with tinges of Sam Raimi's THE EVIL DEAD and Stephen King's THE SHINING without being a blatant rip-off of either.

So, where does BLOODY NEW YEAR go wrong? For one, it lacks the over-the-top gore of THE EVIL DEAD and the mounting sense of dread of THE SHINING. The directing by Norman J. Warren, who had given us ALIEN PREY just a short decade before, is flat, lackluster and uninspired. It's creative touches are hampered by its low B-movie budget and fall short when it should have been going for the gusto. Parts that should have left one gasping in horror only left this reviewer gasping in laughter. Reading the imdb user reviews left me wondering what movie they were reviewing. Certainly not the BLOODY NEW YEAR I sat through last night! But, in their defense, they were very kind to Norman J. Warren's final film, calling it "completely surreal" and "a bizarre demonic horror film" but at the same time recognizing it's obvious flaws, such as the ill-fitting soundtrack.

Hollywood big shots take notice. BLOODY NEW YEAR is begging for a 3D remake! Throw in some young "Twilight"-type stars and you are guaranteed box office boffo! But, until that time, my copy of BLOOD NEW YEAR goes back behind the doors of the Video Vault, unloved and never again to be viewed.

MSTjunkie

"Merry Christmas ... if that's OK"—Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theater 3000

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 9: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

2011-12-21T02:20:00.000-05:00

“Here we are as in olden days ... happy golden days of yore …” Ah, nothing says “Christmas” like a keenly written carol. And in my house, nothing smacks tradition like watching many of our favorite movies this time of year. We get in on ALL the holiday fodder: Miracle on 34^th Street, the assorted versions of A Christmas Carol, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, JUST to name a few. None of those, however, stinks like decade-old fruitcake as our experiment does for this month: MST3K #321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Sure, it starts innocently enough. There’s an interview with Santa by a stalwart journalist. There are Martian children who are sad because they have no Santa. Did I mention Pia Zadora??? No? Well, never fear my gingerbread cookies…SHE IS IN THIS MOVIE!! Well if THAT doesn’t jingle your bells, I’m not sure what will. Now, the rest of the cast doesn’t have the same “FAME” that Ms. Zadora accomplished. HOWEVER, the resume of the remaining actors include the following: The Long, Long Trailer, …And Justice for All, Steel Magnolias, Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End; and Broadway versions of Oliver! & Miracle on 34^th Street. EVEN the Polar Bear had roles in Cotton Comes to Harlem and All the President’s Men, as well as FIVE episodes of Dark Shadows under his belt. Just think what his career might have been had he been cast as a penguin instead.

So buckle your seatbelts kids, as Joel and the gang on the SOL present Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

Cast (in credits order) verified as complete

John Call	...	Santa Claus
Leonard Hicks	...	Kimar
Vincent Beck	...	Voldar
Bill McCutcheon	...	Dropo
Victor Stiles	...	Billy
Donna Conforti	...	Betty
Chris Month	...	Bomar
Pia Zadora	...	Girmar
Leila Martin	...	Momar
Charles Renn	...	Hargo
James Cahill	...	Rigna
Ned Wertimer	...	Andy Henderson
Doris Rich	...	Mrs. Claus
Carl Don	...	Chochem / Von Green
Ivor Bodin	...	Winky
Al Nesor	...	Stobo
Josip Elic	...	Shim (as Joe Elic)
Jim Bishop	...	Lomas
Lin Thurmond	...	Children TV Announcer
Don Blair	...	TV News Announcer
Tony Ross	...	Santa's Helper
Scott Aronesty	...	Santa's Helper
Ron Rotholz	...	Santa's Helper (as Ronnie Rotholz)
Glenn Schaffer	...	Santa's Helper

Gene Lindsey	...	Polar Bear (uncredited)

HOST SEGMENT

Crow and Servo sift through an array of Christmas Catalogues. *Parents, remember, kids know best so give them what they want* (Crow) Servo moons over a golf ball polisher. Joel enters and asks the bots what they want for Christmas. Servo wants a Ted Williams inflatable bathtub pillow, Gypsy wants a pony, and Crow, *I want to decide who lives and who dies*. Joel decidedly responds with an *Oh…I don’t know.* The Mads present “The Wish Squisher” which turns bad gifts into good ones. ..or helps eliminate the gifts that *…chafes a kid's hinder…* (Dr. F.) J&TB have more gifts that should be on The Island of Misfit Toys, capping with Gypsy’s Mr. Mashed Potato Head doll.

MOVIE SIGN

There are MANY Road House references in this movie. The opening credit sequence is particularly painful as the theme, Hurray for Santy Claus exuberantly plays throughout the opening. The Martian children are watching a report from an earth tv station (KID-TV) where our stalwart reporter is at the North Pole to interview Santa. Reporter Andy Anderson asks Santa if he will be ready by Christmas Eve. Santa chortles, “We’ve never disappointed the kids yet. *Except for the poor ones* (Joel) Mrs. Claus, the Union Boss apparently, chastises Santa for not painting hobby horses, UNTIL she finds out she is on television. Her reaction is just zany. Anderson and Santa have a good laugh at her expense. *We’re having her committed* (Servo). They come across a Martian Doll….and immediately switch back to the goings on at The Angry Red Planet. Martian father, Kimar, is looking for Droppo (who is sleeping under his foot). “Droppo, you are the laziest man on Mars. WHY are you sleeping?” *Because I’m the laziest man on Mars* (Joel) Kimar learns the children haven’t been eating and seems to be sad. Film cuts to the cave of the Martian version of Gandalf, Chochem. Chochem explains that on earth it is time for “The Christmas”.. *I had Jell-o today* (Crow reciting one of the repeated riffs throughout the series whenever an old man was on screen) *Hey, just in case, where are your nitro pills?* (Crow) After a long dissertation, Chochem tells them the children need to be children. This leads to the decision to KIDNAP SANTA CLAUS!!!!! Oh, all except for dissenter, Voldar; the evil Martian. Presently, their space ship takes off and they are on earth. All of the occupants of the space ship spot ALL of the Santas on earth. *Santa is within ALL of us* (Servo) By now, the military has gotten involved, and plans to shoot the UFO down have begun.

HOST SEGMENT

J&TB are decked out in caroling outfits so they can belt out a rendition of Crow’s newly written song *There’s no tradition like a new tradition* (Crow) Enjoy “ Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icLXx69ydZ4&feature=related

MOVIE SIGN

The Martians land, the media is clueless (the only smack of realism in this flick), and we are introduced to our two tiny protagonists, Betty and Billy. Kimar enlists them to help find the “REAL” Santa. *great kid, you just fingered Kris Kringle* (Crow). Droppo gives the kids a tour of the Martian space ship. The kids have to hide and the Martians get ready to blast off. Kimar wants to use a robot to help them get Santa. Billy and Betty overhear and exit the ship to warn Santa. *These are like cheap versions of the Lost in Space sets* (Joel). Voldar announces the children have escaped; evident by their footprints. *Hmm child tracks..two, three days old” (Crow) The kids are getting cold and tired *Betty, have you ever seen the movie, Alive* (Servo) They run into a cave and get accosted by a Polar Bear….umm yeah… *IT’S SANTA BEAR* (Crow) Both kids are complaining about the cold. *We’ll freeze to death and become little kidcicles* (Joel) The Martian’s robot comes after them next and captures them. Billy cries, “You won’t get away with this, you MARTIAN!” *Santa’s gonna cut you man. Santa’s a blade man, man* (Crow) The Martians finally make it to Santa’s place and kidnap him.

HOST SEGMENT

The Bots are depressed about the movie. Joel comes in with a bunch of movies that he tricked out of Frank. He has Charlie Brown, Rudolph, Frosty, and then some movies…It’s a Wonderful Life with Marlo Thomas, Miracle on 34^th Street with David Hartman, and a bunch of movies about curmudgeon-y old men and old women who learn the true meaning of Christmas.

MOVIE SIGN

The newspapers are reeling about “SANTA CLAUS HAS BEEN KIDNAPED BY MARTIANS” (sic) The media is still clueless, but Mrs. Claus identified the Santa-nappers as Martians. NASA gets involved…. *Before this decade is out, we will bring Santa back from Mars* (Crow as JFK) The Martians are enjoying Santa’s humor; Voldar is not amused. Santa is with a remorseful Billy and Betty. Droppo is serving dinner (in pill form), but the kids don’t want any. *Droppo plays broader than Larry Storch* (Joel) Voldar takes Billy, Betty, and Santa to the air lock to kill them. Billy knows too much about the spaceship. *I like you that’s why I’m going to kill you last* (Joel) The trio are trapped! *Now, what would MacGyver do* (Joel) They escape up the vent. Kimar and Voldar have an altercation while Droppo announces Santa and the kids are missing. The three walk into the control room. *Santa Claus, you have a nasty way of surviving* (Crow) They’ve landed the spaceship and two of the Martians (caroling, no less) discover that Voldar has escaped. Everyone becomes acquainted with each other; the earth kids meet their alien counterparts. Maniacal laughter ensues. *Santa left his medication at home* (Servo) *You know it’s the little things that can clue you into drug abuse* (Crow) The scene changes to the cave where Voldar is hiding and they plan to kidnap Santa….again OR discredit him. The Martian kids, the Earth kids, Droppo, and Santa are working diligently in the toy shop. No child labor laws on Mars, I guess. Lady Momar *Khadaffi* (Servo) made Santa an extra suit….with a beard. Santa’s finger is tired. *Oh, Santa…no* (Servo) Billy and Betty are sad because they are homesick. Droppo aspires to be Santa, tries on the second suit, and goes to toy factory because his finger IS NOT TIRED. *Watch out nose* (Crow)

HOST SEGMENT

J&TB have Christmas essays. The entire segment is excellent, especially Gypsy’s part. Please watch the clip below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok8opiXlnW0

MOVIE SIGN

SOMEHOW, Droppo’s disguise fools the villainous kidnappers. *It’s Joseph Biden, Howard Metzenbaum, and Ted Kennedy as you’ve never seen them before* (Servo) *Something stupid this way comes* (Crow) Lady Momar cannot find Droppo and Santa’s extra suit is ALSO missing. *He’s probably at the bar* (Crow) Santa and the gang head to the shop and believe Droppo is playing hide and seek. *It’s not funny Santa. He could be seriously hurt. EVERYTHING’S a joke to you!* (Crow) They decide to go to work instead; but something is awry..all the toys are mixing up. SABOTAGE!!! Back at the villain’s cave, Voldar is ready to get revenge. Kimar tries to arrest Voldar, they say they have Santa…..Kimar takes control of the situation…and then SUDDENLY….a Three Stooges movie breaks out. A round of “HO HO HOs” for everyone, and Santa Claus declares Droppo, The Santa Claus of Mars. The Earth trio leave. Closing credits have Servo singing along with the Hurray for Santy Claus theme and since he is misbehaving, Joel must admonish him. Santa’s face pops up near the end of the credits. *Filmed in Christmas Card Vision* (Joel)

HOST SEGMENT

There is another round of caroling and then, STOCKING TIME! Gypsy gets a picture of Richard Basehart. Tom gets food, Play-Doh, plastic toys; and Crow’s stocking has *a breathable cotton panel* Not to be forgotten, Joel’s sock contains a letter. Dr. F and TV’s Frank exchange gifts. Dr. F. gets a watchband, and TV’s Frank gets a copy of Final Exit. Neither are happy with their gifts, but wouldn’t we be shocked if they were?

That wraps up this month’s movie and brings an end to the year 2011. I want to thank my colleagues, The Unimonster and Bobbie for allowing me to be a part of this endeavor each month. It’s been a great joy for me -- Merry Christmas, my friends.

And to all of you:

Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas everyone and may 2012 be a blessed and wonderful year!!

CV EXTRA: The Price of Fear (or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Man)

2011-12-21T02:12:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, when I was but a little ghoul, I watched The Last Man on Earth on FRIGHT NIGHT with The Fearmonger. Tweener that I was (and having two tormenting younger brothers), I was irrationally frightened of all those zombies and bothered that there was only ONE guy left on earth to fight them. My brothers further exacerbated that fear by banging on our (the room I shared with my sister) bedroom door shouting, “MORGAN!! MORGAN!!! Come out, MORGAN!!!” As they would return to their room, giggling, the eventual result of their teasing started a great fascination v. fear complex with Vincent Price. The movie, The Tingler, did nothing to abate my fears. Those William Castle touches of turning the “blood” in the film red made me want to turn away; or at least cover my eyes so I could peek between my fingers at the rest of the story. It wasn’t until I was much older and wiser that I learned to love Vincent Price movies, TV Shows, and Radio Programs seeking out as many as I could view. I have become a full-blown fangirl.

Vincent Price was born on May 27^th, 1911 (a birthday he shares with Christopher Lee). This month marks the end of the “Vincentennial” (as it has been pegged), a year-long celebration of the actor’s life with special events schedule in St. Louis around the time of his birthday. This festival included movies, forums, and a display of memorabilia from his fans.

The lucky people who were fortunate enough to meet or exchange correspondence with Mr. Price said he was a kind man and always had time for his fans. I think hearing that was one of the main reasons I became so interested in seeing as much of his body of work as possible. Perhaps through that, I COULD get to know him better. When he passed in 1993, I (along with many others), were deeply saddened. The solace we took in it was the knowledge he had over 50 years of work etched into film, TV, and radio. We could ALWAYS see and hear him. For that, I will always be grateful.

One of the nice things about being a fan of Vincent Price is that he was able to handle many genres effectively. His range included being a comedic actor in SERVICE DE LUXE, HIS KIND OF WOMAN and COMEDY OF TERRORS, to dramatic performances in DRAGONWYCK, ELIZABETH AND ESSEX, and WHALES OF AUGUST, to ANY and ALL of his sinister performances throughout the decades. He never became too much of a “just for adults” type actor. Price did many animated feature voiceover performances as well: The Great Mouse Detective, The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Tim Burton’s Vincent, are just a few of the shows that endeared him to younger audiences too. On TV, he could be the villainous Egghead (of the Batman TV series) or guest star on Columbo, The Bionic Woman, and Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Whether villain, comedy relief, or dramatic presence, having Vincent Price in the cast made THAT show better. Finally, on radio, he was the long-time voice of The Saint, a frequent guest on Suspense, and later in his career he had his own show called The Price of Fear. He could be murderer or hero. It never mattered. He was excellent.

Now, I’m not going to get through highlights of his entire repertoire. You, gentle reader, would be here for DAYS. I will highlight some of my favorites.

MOVIES:

In His Kind of Woman, a film noir/comedy, Vincent plays (to the hilt) a ham actor named Mark Cardigan. Nasty, noir-ish things are happening all around him with Robert Mitchum, Jane Russell, and Raymond Burr, but he doesn’t have a clue. He tries to be a hero..BUT does he succeed? TCM runs this movie fairly often, so check it out! Here is an example of the great lines:

Dan Milner: I'm too young to die. How about you?

Mark Cardigan: Too well-known.

Dan Milner: Well, if you do get killed, I'll make sure you get a first-rate funeral in Hollywood, at Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

Mark Cardigan: I've already had it. My last picture died there.

In Comedy of Terrors he is teamed up with fellow horror-genre actors Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and Basil Rathbone. Price plays Waldo Trumbull, an undertaker, who has a scheme to drum up business: killing his own customers! The interplay between all these actors (Basil Rathbone is Shakespearean-quoting ham in this flick) PLUS the added talent of Joyce Jameson as the long-suffering Mrs. Trumbull, makes this movie a standout. I could not pick just one line to quote on this one. The entire film shoots arrows from beginning to end.

Vincent Price co-starred with Gene Tierney in films three times: Laura, Leave Her to Heaven and Dragonwyck. ALL of these films are among my favorites. The only change I would like to have seen is Price in the lead male role in Leave Her to Heaven. I never could understand why Ellen (Tierney) would choose Cornel Wilde over Vincent Price…..maybe that’s just me.

RADIO

Over the last decade, I have become a HUGE fan of Old Time Radio shows. The site, www.archive.org is a great place to retrieve these shows. I like them because I load them up on my mp3 player and listen daily. The Saint series, though not well-liked by some because of its writing, featured Price as private eye Simon Templar. This character was portrayed in the movies by George Sanders, Roger Moore, and Val Kilmer. He fit this role well as it had both comedy and action elements. Price also had some very good stories on radio’s Suspense, Escape, and his own show, Price of Fear. The story, Three Skeleton Key (series, Escape) is considered the best of all the renditions. You can listen to it here: http://www.archive.org/details/ThreeSkeletonKey . It is the story of three men trapped in a lighthouse after it is run over with rats. I don’t know that there was ever a movie made from this story, but it would be a good one. In The Hunting Trip (with character actor Lloyd Nolan), Fugue in C Minor (with the WONDERFUL Ida Lupino), and Rave Notice, he is either murderer or….accidental victim. I’ll let you listen to those and find out for yourself.

Television

I’ve had the most fun trying to find as many of Vincent Price’s TV work as I can. He did quite a bit of guest roles in many shows I watched growing up: Batman, The Red Skelton show, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Columbo, The Brady Bunch, The Bionic Woman, and Night Gallery. He also had the job as a narrator of A Christmas Carol, a 1949 TV short.

In addition to all of this he was an author, art collector, a gourmet cook, and he recorded many gothic horror stories to LP. A Coven of Witches Tales, is probably my favorite. Someone kindly added them to their website which you can find here: http://www.thesoundofvincentprice.com/coven1.html .

If I am in the mood for comedy, drama, or film noir or horror, I can ALWAYS find something starring Vincent Price. I’m never disappointed except in the cases where I wished he had more of a presence. The above scribblings have been only a few of the reasons I am such a fangirl. I know I left out many movies worth mentioning but you see, I’ve only scratched the surface.

A quote attributed to Price is as follows: “I've come to believe remembering someone is not the highest compliment - it is missing them.”

And yes, in Vincent Price’s case….I miss him very much.

"Just an 8-bit Guy in a xBox World…”

2011-12-21T02:01:00.000-05:00

This will be an unusual column for me, one focusing on video games instead of my more familiar venues. I’m not a gamer; I don’t have an xBox, or a Wii, or a PS3. I have a Playstation 2 … with maybe six games. The only ones I play frequently are the various Tiger Woods Golf games. I just don’t have the time, money, or inclination to spend hundreds of dollars on these high-tech consoles, accessories, or games.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy video games, or that I was never addicted to the electronic lure of dancing sprites. In fact, there was a time when I spent virtually every free minute hooked to a gray and black controller, moving two-dimensional characters through side-scrolling worlds. I was a Nintendo junkie, and Super Mario was my drug of choice.

That initial video-game craze hit at just the right time for me. In my twenties, in my own apartment for the first time, with limited entertainment options, the Nintendo Entertainment System seemed like a cheap way to fight off boredom. I’d get home from work, fix supper, and settle down to guide Mario on his quest to rescue Princess Toadstool from the evil clutches of Bowser. My only weapons in this quest: My jumping ability; my power to stomp Goombas; a few power-ups; and my mastery of kicking Koopa-Troopers and running along behind as they cleared a path for me.

Before too long, I had mastered Super Mario Bros., only to discover at the end that “…our Princess is in another Castle!” I progressed onto Super Mario Bros. 2, only to discover that it bore no relation to the first game. It was, in fact, a remake of a Japanese game, Doki-Doki Panic. The game’s creators had simply replaced the original characters with ones from the Super Mario Bros. game.

While generally disliked by fans, I loved the game, and thought it was every bit as enjoyable as the first. It gave you the option to play as any one of four characters: Mario; his brother Luigi; the Princess’ faithful retainer Toad; and the Princess herself. Each had their own strengths and weaknesses, and part of mastering the game was learning when to play each one. And while it proved more difficult to complete than the first, in due course I had beaten it, as well.

However, the adventures of the two Italian plumbers weren’t the only games I conquered back in the day. Tetris was a favorite of mine, as was 1942. Silent Service got nearly as much playing time as the Mario’s, and even Duck Hunt had its moments. And of course Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse soaked up much of my free time, as I battled monsters and demons in a campaign to destroy Dracula.

Still, I always returned to the Mushroom Kingdom, and finally faced the ultimate NES game, at least as far as I was concerned… Super Mario Bros. 3. This wasn’t just a revamped version of the first game; this was something completely new and different. This game had map screens, and sub-games, and it completely blew me away the first time I popped the cartridge in my player.

Sadly, I never completed SMB3. My player, like all the Nintendo front-loaders, had a fatal flaw that rendered them virtually unusable after a comparatively short time. I had completed maybe five levels when my player fell victim to this flaw, and I had to quit my gaming addiction cold turkey.

Like many facets of my childhood and youth, the pangs of withdrawal soon faded as adult life insisted on intervening. Eventually, the memories of my 8-bit escapades receded into the dark caverns of my mind, where they slumbered peacefully awaiting the light of day once again.

Recently, that day dawned. I was looking for a PS2 game for a Christmas gift, and found a video game store in my area that dealt in used and vintage games. I was unable to find the game I was looking for, but as I was browsing, I noticed a small, odd-looking console sitting on a shelf. The only marking on it was the word “Yobo” next to a cartridge slot in the top of the console. Curious, I asked the clerk what system it was, and what the games were like. He just glanced at it, and said that it was a NES-clone, and it played all the original NES games.

Instantly, a flood of nostalgia washed over me, carrying me back through the intervening years. I could hear the insidiously viral Super Mario theme fighting its way back to the forefront of my consciousness, and my thumbs began itching for the feel of the controller again. Unfortunately the cost of the system, though not unreasonable, was more than I could afford at the time; but I knew I had to have one once the holidays were through. I asked the twenty-something clerk if it was an item they kept in stock; would they still have one in a month or so? He just looked at me as though I asked in which aisle would I find spats and buggy whips. “Who wants to play old Nintendo games?” was his only response.

Well, quite frankly, I do. And I fully intended to head back after the holidays to buy the console, and the Super Mario game of days gone by, but something intervened to make that trip unnecessary.

A good friend of mine asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Giving it some thought, I said “a Nintendo.” After I explained that I wasn’t talking about the Wii that costs several hundred dollars, she said that sounded like a good present, and promptly changed the subject.

Now, in the time that I’ve known this woman, and we’ve been exchanging gifts, not once has she given me what I had told her I’d like when asked “What do you want for… [Insert Holiday of choice]?” Don’t misunderstand me… her gifts are always nice, usually nicer than what I had wanted. I’ve just learned that, no matter my response to her question, I will be surprised when I open my present. This year was no exception. In fact, this year was the biggest surprise of all. This year, I got exactly what I asked for.

So now I sit in front of the TV, the Super Mario Bros. start screen displayed in all its glory, awaiting the command to once more launch Mario on his quest. It feels as though I just returned to a game I had pressed the pause button on… over 18 years ago. For four years of my life, I played this game at least two or three hours a day—every day. The feel of the controller, like the movements needed to make the little plumber do battle at my command, are ingrained into my muscle memory by those thousands of hours of gameplay.

Other games will follow, and ultimately I will be able to finish my struggle with the King Koopa and his children the Koopalings from SMB3. But right now, this is good… this is enough. There’s an expression I’ve heard that I feel describes me pretty well. I’m not sure where it originated, if it’s something from TV or something I picked up like lint on Velcro. “I’m just an 8-bit guy in an xBox world…” And I couldn’t be happier about it.

DVD Review: BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

2011-12-21T01:50:00.000-05:00

Title: BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

Year of Release—Film: 2006

Year of Release—DVD: 2007

DVD Label: Dimension Home Entertainment

Bob Clark, the director who was recently killed by a drunk driver, will forever be known for what must be the best Christmas movie I’ve ever seen, 1983’s A CHRISTMAS STORY. The tale of young Ralphie Parker and his quest for an official Red Ryder, 200-shot, Range Model Air Rifle, (with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time…) the film is one of the most humorous and heart-warming I’ve ever seen, capturing perfectly experiences that are common to most children, regardless of era. Clark also helmed another of my favorite comedies, released in 1980—PORKY’S. This raunchy, risqué teen sex-comedy is one that I never seem to tire of watching.

However, before he became known for his comedies, Bob Clark was one of the new breed of independent Horror directors, a contemporary of Wes Craven, Tobe Hooper, Curtis Harrington, and Larry Cohen, that burst on the scene in the early ‘70’s following the success of George Romero’s NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. Without the constraints of a major studio production, these filmmakers were able to push the envelope in ways heretofore unexplored. Most of their efforts were, quite frankly, less than successful; Clark’s own first feature, 1972’s CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS, was a thoroughly unmemorable, though mildly entertaining, rip-off of Romero’s NOTLD. His next film however, DEATHDREAM, was much improved; and in 1974 he laid the foundation for the Slasher genre with BLACK CHRISTMAS.

Set in a sorority house over the Christmas break, as a lunatic hiding in the attic hunts those young ladies who didn’t go home for the holidays, this film laid down several of the conventions that would be developed further four years later with the masterpiece of the Slasher film, John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN. Now, Glen Morgan has remade what is arguably Clark’s best Horror Film, with both Clark’s blessing and his imprimatur as Executive Producer.

This new version is faithful to the original, without being a shot-by-shot restaging of it. It also answers many of the questions that were purposefully left unanswered in the 1974 version. This has a mixed result; part of what the fans remember about the original film is the vagueness of the ending, and I think that leaving some secrets buried would have been a better choice. But today’s horror fans seem to prefer their loose ends neatly tied together, and gathering the threads probably produced a more ‘commercial’ film.

The story of the killer, Billy, is told in a series of flashbacks to his childhood in the home that later became the Sorority House. His abusive mother kills his loving father, setting the pattern for the young boy’s psychopathia. As an adult, he eventually kills both her and her second husband, and is busy devouring her when the police arrive. Committed to a mental institution, he escapes, heading back home… to what is now the Delta Kappa Alpha house.

The cast is good, though not spectacular, and the young women of the sorority are certainly beautiful. Though most of the faces are familiar to viewers, there are no household names present, not that the material really requires much star power. Morgan’s direction is competent; nothing inspired, but smooth and capable.

While remakes are difficult to pull off successfully, Morgan and co. do a very good job here. Perhaps it has more to do with the lack of familiarity most fans have with the original, never a big commercial success, than with the changes inherent in this version. Still, for whatever the reason, BLACK CHRISTMAS works, and works very well.

My disc is the special BlockBuster Video© Unrated Edition. How this differentiates it from any other Unrated Edition escapes me, but no matter. Dimension usually does a good job packaging their films, and this example is no different. The audio and video quality was good, and the disc had a full selection of sound and subtitle options.

The release has several excellent features that should please viewers. There is a very good behind-the-scenes documentary that includes comments from Bob Clark. I would imagine these were among his last comments on his early horror films, as his death came not long after the DVD’s release. Concerning his early films, he remarks that, in order to break into the business, you had to either “…make pornos, or make horrors. And I didn’t want to make pornos.” The documentary stands as a far more interesting look at this talented director than as a look at the making of BLACK CHRISTMAS.

Perhaps the best of the special features are the three Alternate endings; at least one of which would have been an improvement over the ending of the U.S. released version. (The International release had one of these alternate conclusions…) These are presented in sufficient depth and detail to allow a true comparison to be made, and each viewer to make their own choice.

In my “2006 in Review” column over at www.creaturescape.com, I discussed this film in conjunction with my look at the Remake of the Year, and stated that I had heard good things about this film but would reserve judgment until I had seen it myself. Well, I’ve finally seen it, and must admit that I was very pleased. It’s rare that I see a remake that I enjoy, and one that exceeds and expands upon the original is rarer still. This one does just that, and does it with some flair and a dash of originality. Not much, but enough to make a difference.

I got my copy from the four for $20 bargain bin at BlockBuster Video, (a definite recommendation, I might add…) but even at the list price it’s worth consideration. I say give it a try… and have a scary Christmas.

Uni's Tales Not for the Faint-of-Heart: The Yellow Room

2011-11-14T03:59:00.001-05:00

the Yellow Room

The sudden bolt of lightning stabbed toward the ground outside the window, as sheets of rain pummeled the glass. Edward looked toward his hosts with a wan smile. “I say, it’s come up a frightful storm. I’ve an eight-mile ride ahead of me; I’d best be off.”

Sir John Wycombe shook his head. “Nonsense, my boy, you’ll stay the night. This is no fit night to be out on the back of a horse. I did my share of that in India. You’ve not seen rain until you’ve experienced an Indian monsoon.” He reached for the bell-pull next to the fireplace mantle, and gave it a sharp tug.

As he spoke, Edward noticed a look of alarm cross the face of Lady Jane, Sir John’s wife and mistress of the house. Not wanting to be an imposition, he hurriedly spoke up. “That’s quite all right, Sir John. I shouldn’t wish to put anyone out. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

The old man noticed the look on his wife’s face, as the butler entered the room in answer to the summons. “My dear, why don’t you and Charles prepare a guest room for Edward? We can’t allow the only physician in the village to catch his death of pneumonia, now can we?”

A frightened glance was exchanged between the butler and Lady Jane, and then she looked to her husband. “John, I’m afraid that the guest rooms aren’t inhabitable at the moment. Remember dear, that wing of the house is being renovated. Edward would have to sleep in the… yellow room.”

“Then the yellow room will be fine. See to it please.” To calm his obviously terrified wife, he placed a hand on her shoulder and gently caressed her cheek. “Jane, it will be fine. We will not send the lad out in this weather. I’ll talk to him.” As his wife led the butler out of the drawing room, Sir John lifted a bottle of Scotch, and poured three fingers worth into a tumbler, handed it to Edward, then repeated the process for himself. Dr. Edward Leigh just stared, embarrassed, at the parquet floor. “I must apologize, Sir John. I fear I’ve intruded on something very private and personal.”

“No, lad, it is I who must apologize. My dear wife is a superstitious sort; a lovely woman, wonderful wife, but very easily spooked. She, and most of the servants, believe the yellow room to be haunted.”

“Surely you’re joking! We’re nearly in the twentieth century. Such superstitions can’t exist in the light of today’s scientific age.”

“My son, we are products of an earlier age. I can … understand, my wife’s apprehensions.”

“Do you share them?”

The gaunt old man shook his head. “No, lad, I don’t. But I don’t dismiss them, either. Lady Jane isn’t a fool, Edward. She is a wise old woman. I may not share her beliefs, but I do respect them.”

“I see. Might I ask the story of the haunting?”

“Of course, my boy, of course. It’s quite simple, really. My ancestors, in the time of the civil war, were Royalists, as well as Catholics. A poor combination under the rule of Cromwell, I’m afraid. One night, a group of Roundheads, while getting drunk in a pub, heard a rumor that they were hiding a relative of Charles II. They stormed the manor, and, not finding the lord and lady present, demanded that the frightened servants take them to the ‘guest’. So, that’s what they did. Only the ‘guest’ was a fifteen year-old niece of the Lady of the house. They fell upon her; they … abused, her; then, when they realized what they had done, they murdered her, along with two of the servants who came to her aid. It all took place in the yellow bedroom.”

Edward downed half his whiskey in one quick swallow, then gave out a nervous chuckle. “But surely that’s just a story, a legend?”

“On the contrary, the murders are well-documented fact. Indeed, the Roundheads responsible were punished. Not for rape and murder, however; but for being drunk on duty.”

“And the ghost?”

“That, Edward, is the legend. The story goes that, ever since the murders, her spirit reenacts her death, at the hour of her death. That is why we seldom use the room.”

“You said ‘Seldom’? Then it is used occasionally?”

“Certainly. Come, come, my boy, don’t let my wife’s fears bother you. Those murders were 230 years ago. You should view this as an opportunity to shine the ‘… light of today’s scientific age’, as you put it, on our superstitions.”

Edward laughed. “Quite so, Sir John, quite so. Very well, if you’ll lead me to my ghostly bedchamber?”

Sir John continued to reassure his guest as they climbed the stairs to the second floor. “It’s really quite a comfortable room. Every modern convenience, a well-stocked bookcase, you should be quite snug, I assure you.”

“I am certain I shall sleep like the de--, like a baby, Sir John. Tell me, have you ever slept in the room?”

Just for a second, a shocked look crossed the old man’s face, then it was gone, as he chuckled nervously. “No. I suppose I’m more superstitious than I claimed to be. Well, here we are.”

Edward surveyed the surroundings, noting that, on the surface, it did indeed seem to be a very comfortable room. The bed had been turned down, and Charles, the butler, was lighting the large fireplace. Lady Jane was not in evidence, and Edward assumed that she had retired for the night. He turned to his host. “Eminently suitable, Sir John. I thank you and your wife for your wonderful hospitality.”

“Think nothing of it, lad. It wouldn’t be Christian of me to do any less. If you need anything, just ring. The servants will hear. Good night.”

As he closed the door behind him, Edward sat down on the bed and pulled off his boots. Not quite tired enough to sleep, (and not willing to admit that he was nervous as well) he grabbed a book at random, intending to sit in front of a roaring fire, reading peacefully until sleep claimed him. He regretted his choice as soon as he saw the title: HAMLET by William Shakespeare. More ghosts.

But Shakespeare had always been a favorite of his, and HAMLET was his favorite of the bard’s works. Soon he found himself, as always, enthralled by the story of the Prince of Denmark, as the storm raged outside.

The storm, as most do, passed quickly, and the sun rose bright and clear, if somewhat colder. Sir John, conditioned by a lifetime spent in the Queen’s service, was up at dawn. So, of course, was the rest of the household. As Lady Jane supervised the breakfast preparation, she sent one of the maids to awaken Dr. Leigh. Within moments, her screams reverberated throughout the large manor house.

The village Constable, along with the local Veterinarian, (the only other person with medical training in the village of Wycombe-on-Thames) arrived by noon, though it was patently obvious that they could be of no assistance. The vet conducted what examination he could, however. “I’m no medical doctor, mind you Sir John, but I believe that this man died of coronary seizure, induced by fright.”

The Constable looked up from his note pad. “Come now, Mr. Harris, surely you don’t mean that. We know Dr. Leigh. He was a young, strong man. What on earth could frighten such a man, a man of intellect, of reason?”

“Jimmy Newbury, I may only be a cattle and horse surgeon, but you look at that man’s face and tell me different!”

Sir John paid little attention to the argument; he now knew the truth of what killed his houseguest. He knelt beside the body, and noticed the book on the floor, and a scrap of paper in the dead man’s hand. He pried the cold, stiff hand open, and retrieved the paper.

“Here now, what’s that?” said the constable reaching for the paper.

“Nothing much. A page from Shakespeare’s HAMLET. Act I, scene 5. “There are more things in Heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in our philosophy.”

“Well, then that’s of little consequence. I’ll send Mortimer’s for the body, Sir John. I think it’s obviously a case of death by natural causes. We’ll not trouble you any further.”

As the old man closed the door on the horrific scene, his last view was of the yellow wallpaper, splashed with the brightly shining sun.

DVD Review: HI THERE HORROR MOVIE FANS!

2011-11-14T03:55:00.000-05:00

Title: HI THERE HORROR MOVIE FANS!

Year of Release—Film: 2011

Year of Release—DVD: 2011

DVD Label: Horse Archer Productions

[Ed. Note: If you happen to be a horror-host with a current program, and would like to see it reviewed here, please contact me at unimonster64@gmail.com.]

Readers who recall my delight with the last effort out of Horse Archer Productions [http://www.horsearcherproductions.com], the superb VIRGINIA CREEPERS: THE HORROR HOST TRADITION OF THE OLD DOMINION, will not be surprised that I’m equally pleased with the latest documentary from the team of Sean Kotz and Chris Valluzzo, the tribute to Petersburg, Virginia’s Bowman Body, Bill Bowman. For more than forty years now, The Bowman Body has been a northern Virginia institution; an inspiration to horror-movie fans who eagerly tuned in throughout the 1970s and ‘80s to see a rumpled, pasty-face ghoul in a tuxedo and sneakers, band-aid prominently affixed to his bald head, rise up out of his coffin to entertain them with his unique style of homespun humor.

He would invariably greet his viewers with a cheerful “Hi there Horror Movie Fans,” a catchphrase that is the title of Kotz and Valluzzo’s new offering. Being a devoted fan of Horror hosts in general, and having previously been exposed to the Bowman Body through the aforementioned VIRGINIA CREEPERS, I have been eagerly awaiting the debut of this feature dedicated to Bowman’s character since the first announcement of it, and I must say the wait was worth it.

The format is identical to the earlier documentary, including being hosted by Mr. Lobo, of the nationally-syndicated Cinema Insomnia program. It features clips of the various shows which Bowman hosted during his career, as well as still photographs and audio clips. By far the bulk of the documentary, however, is given over to anecdotal interviews with those who worked with Bill Bowman, those who were fans of Bill Bowman’s, those who were inspired by Bill Bowman, and with the Bowman Body himself. The stories told are fascinating, funny, and informative, and give the viewer a good sense of what it was like to tune in to one of Bowman’s programs. Some of the footage was previously used in VIRGINIA CREEPERS, but that’s not an issue in a documentary; there’s only so much surviving Bowman footage, and as far as the interviews are concerned, those, like testimony in a court of law, have a value and permanence that outweighs any arbitrary desire for ‘new’ or ‘fresh’ material.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing new here. Indeed, most of the interviews are new, especially much of the filmmakers’ conversation with Bowman himself. This provides the viewer with much-needed background on Bowman, and his journey from radio station disc jockey to a television icon who was, in 2005, honored for his “… distinguished career in television broadcasting and for his many contributions to the success of the Legislative Studio for Commonwealth Public Broadcasting …” by the Virginia State Legislature. It is a fitting tribute to a deserving man—as is this documentary. I heartily recommend it to all who can still recall the joys of curling up in front of the television set on Friday and Saturday nights, as a dedicated cadre of horror-hosts guided our initial explorations into the world of classic (and not-so-classic) Horror and Science-Fiction movies.

Bobbie's Essays: Whatever Happened to Horror-hag Movies?

2011-11-14T03:49:00.000-05:00

According to Wikipedia, Psycho-biddie movies, or as I prefer to call them Hagsploitation, is defined as “a dangerous, insane or mentally unstable woman of advanced years ... Often (but not always), there are two older women pitted against one another in a life-or-death struggle, usually the result of bitter hatreds, jealousies, or rivalries that have percolated over the course of not years, but decades ... The psychotic character is often brought to life in an over-the-top, grotesque fashion, emphasizing the unglamorous process of aging and eventual death. Characters are often seen pining for lost youth and glory, trapped by their idealized memories of their childhood, or youth, and the traumas that haunt their past.”

It all began in 1962 when an aging and forgotten ex-child-actress, Jane (Bette Davis), goes all whack-a-doo on her reclusive and wheelchair-bound ex-ingénue actress sister, Blanche (Joan Crawford), screaming “Ya are, Blanche! Ya are in that chair!” With that declarative statement, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE slammed open the doors to the golden age of horror-Hagsploitation! Youth-obsessed Tinseltown sat up and took notice as one drunken and slattern former Hollywood leading lady tried to force-feed another aging ex-screen star her own cooked parakeet while the invalid ex-star sister tries in vain to get someone’s—anyone’s—attention to her dire and ultimately deadly plight! (Personally, I would have force-fed Blanche that damned buzzer she was always pushing!) Made for a paltry $980,000, it took home $4,050,000 and was nominated for five Academy Awards, winning for Best Costume Design.

Suddenly, all that was old was new again and Warner Bros./ Seven Arts, eager to continue milking that cash cow, quickly signed both actresses to another movie, HUSH, HUSH SWEET CHARLOTTE (working title: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO COUSIN CHARLOTTE). But, what the Studio didn’t count on was the contemptuous relationship between the two stars.

Joan Crawford, desperate not to play opposite the conniving Bette again, took to her sick-bed long enough to force director Robert Aldrich to sign another aging actress, Olivia de Havilland, as a replacement. This time, instead of playing dueling sisters, the two acted as sparring cousins, one a slightly off-her-rocker Southern Belle (Bette) who was believed to have killed her married ex-lover with an axe years before and one sweet-seeming but scheming cousin (Olivia) sent to settle affairs at the old mansion. In actuality, her purpose is to drive her cousin insane and steal her fortune. HUSH, HUSH also pulled out of the mothballs two other aging stars of yesteryear, Joseph Cotton who plays the lawyer boyfriend of Olivia and Mary Astor who was the long-ago slain ex-lover’s then wife, now widow. While HUSH, HUSH didn’t do the box office that BABY JANE did, it still pulled in $7 million.

Meanwhile, Joan Crawford hit the horror hag circuit hard and signed to act in schlock-meister William Castle’s STRAIT-JACKET (1964). In this film, Joan plays Lucy Harbin, a trampy young wife who finds her husband in the sack with another woman and chops both of their heads off. Twenty years later, a subdued Lucy is released from the mental hospital where she was sent after the double homicide and reunites with her now-grown daughter Carol (Diane Baker) and the murders begin again. For this movie, Joan, now age 60, plays both the 29 year-old younger Lucy and the 49 year-old older Lucy and she does so with somewhat believability. You can see the wardrobe/ make-up tests here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EMbnZUgLSk

While Joan was busy hacking up half the County, Bette starred in DEAD RINGER (1964) in a duel-role as twin-sisters, one who kills the other, then assumes the dead twin’s identity and husband (Paul Henreid). But, what she doesn’t know is that her now-dead sister had a younger lover in the form of Peter Lawford. (UGH!) DEAD RINGER also features perpetually ancient Estelle Winwood (who played Sybil in Bert I. Gordon’s THE MAGIC SWORD) who was 80 when she made this movie!

Not to be out-done, Joan next starred in another Castle shocker I SAW WHAT YOU DID (And I Know Who You Are) in 1965. Well, starred in is stretching the truth somewhat as Joan was only hired for four days work but Castle, recognizing the star power of her name, gave her first billing. Here she acted for the final time opposite John Ireland, whom she’d first worked with in 1955’s QUEEN BEE. This was also her last American acting job and she only appeared to two more foreign films before quitting the silver screen for good. In I SAW WHAT YOU DID, Joan plays the part of the cheating husband’s demanding girlfriend whom he kills. Just then, the phone rings and two young girl prank callers chant “We saw what you did!” Terrified of being found out, John tracks down the young prank callers with more murders on his mind.

Bette next crossed the Big Pond to act in THE NANNY (1965) where she played the title role with a noticeably un-Mary Poppins-flair. Harboring a deep dark secret, Nanny goes about her duties with a clinical detachment. Here she gives a terrifying performance as the overly-protective mother-figure to long-suffering wife, Virgie, while a little boy, Joey, harbors the belief that it was Nanny who drowned his little sister in the bath! Joan also took her show on the road to the UK and filmed BERSERK (1967) in which she’s a circus owner whose performing troops at set upon by a psychopathic killer. Actor Ty Hardin, 25 years her junior, plays her tightrope-walking love interest. Joan, always conscious of how she’d look on camera, ordered Desmond Dickinson, the director of photography, to only use medium-long shots and, should the camera come closer, to artfully film the dark bars of shadows that crossed her neck. The film was short on plot so it was padded extensively with shots of various circus acts, including Diana Dors, England’s answer to Marilyn Monroe, being sawed in half during a magician’s trick gone awry.

While Bette went on to play the one-eyed domineering mother in Hammer’s THE ANNIVERSARY in 1968, Joan was reduced to starring in her last film, the laughably bad TROG (1970). Here Joan plays an anthropologist opposite a man wearing a left-over monkey outfit from Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. While Bette spent the next two decades appearing in many fine horror movies such as SCREAM, PRETTY PEGGY (1973/ TV), BURNT OFFERINGS (1976) and THE DARK SECRET OF HARVEST HOME (1968/ TV), none were of the horror-hag variety.

Other aging and largely forgotten actresses followed in the footsteps of Joan and Bette. Olivia de Havilland went on to play in LADY IN A CAGE (1964) as an invalid woman trapped in her own private elevator and terrorized by a gang of thuggish brutes lead by James Caan (in his first credited movie role). This surprisingly nasty film also stars another aging former beauty, Ann Sothern (who would later meet up with Bette in THE WHALES OF AUGUST (1987). Another star hitting the horror circuit was Tallulah Bankhead in DIE! DIE! MY DARLING (1965), opposite Stephanie Powers. It is reported that when Tallulah saw herself in this movie, she apologized for “looking older than God’s wet-nurse” and never acted in another film. Roman Polanski pulled silent-screen actress, Ruth Gordon, out of moth-balls, casting her as Rosemary’s pushy and nosey neighbor in 1968’s ROSEMARY’S BABY, a role that landed her an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Geraldine Page put in her best effort in WHATEVER HAPPENED TO AUNT ALICE (1969) as the murdering wealthy employer of hapless companions, including Ruth Gordon. In this movie, we get to see the greatest physical fight between two old biddies ever filmed! Unfortunately, Gordon only shows up for her paycheck in the awful 1978 made-for-TV movie LOOK WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY’S BABY with ex-child star Patty Duke playing the Rosemary Woodhouse role.

Next to dip her toe into the genre was former glamour-girl Shelley Winters in WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH HELEN? and WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO?, both made in 1971. In WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH HELEN, Winters plays opposite another fading screen star Debbie Reynolds, as a pair of older women who decide to movie to Hollywood to escape the shame of their two son’s murder spree.

Penned by Henry Farrell, the man who started the whole genre with WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE, HELEN is filled with pot-holes and wasted opportunities. In WHOEVER SLEW AUNTIE ROO, Winters plays a wealthy if daffy woman who keeps the mummified corpse of her long-dead daughter in a secret room of her mansion, where she sings it lullabies at night and holds séances to communicate with the dead daughter’s soul. On Christmas Eve, Winters throws the annual Christmas party for local orphans and spots a young girl who bears a striking resemblance to her dead daughter. However, not even with her Oscar-nominated role as Mrs. Rosen in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE in 1972 did Winters manage to grab Hollywood’s fickle eye again and Winters once again hit the horror hag trail, acting as the drunken and slovenly ex-star Bertha in the white trash flick, POOR PRETTY EDDIE (1975).

Sadly by the end of the 1970’s, horror hag movies had gone out of style and not even TV movie producers would take a flyer on them. However, the genre had one last surprise up its ragged sleeve and that surprise was CARRIE (1976) starring Sissy Spacek as the shy girl with enormous powers and Piper Laurie as her demented and domineering mother, it shot it’s author Stephen King into instant pulp horror fiction stardom. The title character, Carrie, is a high school student tormented by fellow female students. Her mother, Margaret, is a religious nut case who believes her daughter will burn in Hell if she attends the school prom when one of Carrie’s tormenters has her boyfriend ask Carrie to the dance. The mother’s right. All Hell does break loose but not in the way the mother envisioned! Audiences ate it up and it grossed almost $34 million for MGM Studios.

Some loyal readers might argue it didn’t end there and mention MOMMIE DEAREST (1981) and MISERY (1990) as examples. However, I contend that MOMMIE DEAREST was a bio-pic and, therefore, doesn’t count. And with MISERY, Kathy Bates was only 48 when she starred in that movie...too young to be any kind of a “hag”...and could never be thought of as a classic Tinseltown beauty. No ... I believe the genre died a much-deserved death because the audiences that first saw the actresses perform saw them at an earlier time of beauty and grace, the gentler years of slim bodies well-dressed in Dior gowns, smiling for the cameras. And now, like neck-cranners at the scene of an accident, the audiences wanted to see them at their worst, chewing up the scenery and looking every bit the hag the audiences paid good money to see. But whatever the time-line and for whatever reason, horror hag movies as a genre ended. We shall never see their likes again. And more’s the pity. So, here’s to Bette and Joan, Olivia and Tallulah, to Shelley and Debbie and Piper. Thanks for the frights, ladies!

MSTjunkie

Bobbie's Movies to Look For: PAUL

2011-11-14T03:32:00.000-05:00

Title: PAUL

Year of Release—Film: 2011

Two British fanboys (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) travel to the San Diego Comic-Con. There they meet like-minded geeks, Star Wars freaks, a sexually active Wookie, sci-fi author and personal idol Adam Shadowchild ... and one small, wise-cracking alien named Paul.

Graham (Simon Pegg) and Clive (Nick Frost) are traveling buddies out to visit the most famous UFO sighting hot-spots, including Roswell Area 51 where, in 1947, an alien UFO crashed and was confiscated and it’s discovery covered up by the Government. After visiting the near-by Little A’Le’Inn restaurant where they have an unpleasant encounter with two red-necks, the two leave to visit Area 51 when suddenly a speeding car comes screaming by and crashes. Graham and Clive stop to offer help and meet Paul (voiced by Seth Rogen), a alien who has successfully escaped the Area 51 encampment and needs a ride to the place where his fellow aliens have promised to pick him up for a return to his home planet. UFO sites forgotten in the excitement of meeting an actual alien, the duo agrees to the new destination and off they go!

Along the way, they meet an eye-patch wearing ultra-religious young woman named Ruth (Kristen Wiig) and her controlling father Moses Buggs (John Carroll Lynch). While spending the night at the Buggs RV camp sight, Ruth catches sight of Paul and faints. When she wakes and she begins to spout religious dogma, Paul, quickly tires of it and transfers his vast knowledge of evolution to her mind and Ruth, finely freed of her father's twisted Biblical history, begins swearing ... like a little child whose just learning swear words! And Paul, seeing her blind eye, heals her with a gentle touch. Now on the lam from men in black who take orders from a steely-voiced but as yet unseen woman and from Ruth’s gun-toting zealot father, they race against time to reunite Paul with the mothership!

Penned by SHAUN OF THE DEAD’s Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, PAUL is a sci-fi geek’s wet-dream, chock-full of references to other classic science fiction films. Paul, rather than being kept hostage by the Government agency, was given free run on the facility and was an incalculable aid to Steven Spielberg via phone conversations while ET: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL was in the planning stages. And in the honky-tonk scene, the band is playing the “Cantina Band” tune from STAR WARS. And how can one possibly dislike a movie in which Pegg and Frost reenact Captain Kirk’s epic fight with the Gorn from the Star Trek episode “Arena”!?! In an effort to avoid being called a MAC AND ME rip-off (noted by Clive/ Nick Frost when he says “I have dreamt of meeting you ever since I saw Mac and Me,”) the team did their best to make their alien different. And they succeeded! Paul is a profanity-spewing little wise-cracker who smokes dope and talks about the size of his sexual equipment. In a June 12, 2011 interview with Den of Geek blog Simon Pegg is quoted as saying:

“We could have toned down the language a little bit, and maybe we should have done. We could have got a bigger box office take if we’d made it a PG. But we didn’t want it to look like a children’s film. We wanted people from the off to know that it wasn’t a kids’ film. And so, we stuck to our guns, as ... we wanted an R. And we got it.”

Still, cigarette-smoking, occasionally invisible Paul isn’t all bad. He has highly sensitive empathic powers healing powers as seen in the eye healing scene with Ruth. And he did bring a dead bird back to life (even if he did eat it immediately afterwards!). And even in his rush to find his mothership, Paul takes the time to settle an old score with Tara Walton (Blythe Danner) who has been thought crazy by the townsfolk for the past 60 years for claiming a spaceship killed her dog.

The cast in PAUL showed they were clearly up to the task and their performances were all above par. Kristie Wiig was both believable and unbelievably funny as the reformed girl Ruth. Her swearing need some work though! Jason Bateman as the secret agent tough-guy Zoil and Sigourney Weaver in a stellar cameo were a great bonus! Pegg and Frost play their bro-mance a tad too realistically (IMO) but still come off as a natural pairing with enthusiasm and wild humor. But, the star of this movie is Paul! Profane and all-around crass, Paul has a sensitive side, too and is an agreeably laid-back kind of fellow. Seth Rogen does a good job voicing Paul and the CGI is above average.

Is it a perfect buddy-flick? No. PAUL will delight sci-fi movie fanboys (and fangirls!) with it's inside jokes and will probably leave those not familiar with those movies feeling they are missing something. But, the humor is top-notch, the pacing fast and the acting great! A word of caution, though—should you rent or buy PAUL, watch the unrated version as the theatrical version cuts short some of the jokes.

Enjoy! And I know you will!

MSTJunkie

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 8: NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST

2011-11-14T03:25:00.000-05:00

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 8: Night of the Blood beast

Ah Sweet, Sweet November!! Yes, NOVEMBER, when football is high gear, the house is a mess because of the Halloween-to-Christmas decorating transition, AND we get to celebrate one of my FAVORITE days: THANKSGIVING!!! And what is Thanksgiving without turkey? No, not the Tryptophan-Inducing Fowl….MOVIE TURKEYS!!! Years ago, when MST3K was airing on Comedy Central, the network would run a Turkey Day Marathon of some of the best Mystery Science Theater shows. This marathon would last all day and caused dissention in our home, because I wanted to forego Macy’s parade and the football games to watch my favorite riffers. It was the show’s final season on Comedy Central which brought a sad end to this tradition. And it is this Turkey Day Marathon I wish to honor with EPISODE #701T, NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST.

Episode 701 has a unique history. It not only began the 7^th and final season on Comedy Central; it also was a feature a couple of weeks later during 1995’s Turkey Day celebration. The host segments were changed to highlight the holiday. This episode also features the short, ONCE UPON A HONEYMOON. Don’t try to figure it out, it stinks!

Enjoy!!

Full cast and crew for
Night of the Blood Beast (1958) More at IMDbPro »

Writing credits (in alphabetical order)
Gene Corman		story
Martin Varno		writer

Cast (in credits order)

John Baer	...	Steve Dunlap
Angela Greene	...	Dr. Julie Benson
Ed Nelson	...	Dave Randall
Georgianna Carter	...	Donna Bixby
Michael Emmet	...	Maj. John Corcoran
Tyler McVey	...	Dr. Alex Wyman
Ross Sturlin	...	The Creature

HOST SEGMENT

Mike and the Bots are talking about “THE GAME”, confusing any and all sports terms from EVERY sport imaginable. They end it with a hearty “TAKE DOWN! TAKE DOWN! TWO POINTS!”—The ONLY wrestling cheer I ever remember. Since TV’s Frank died the previous season, Dr. F. is surprised at having to host a cast of characters for a Thanksgiving feast. These characters include the arrival of Pearl Forrester, Dr. F.’s mother, who will eventually take over the “Mad Scientist” role in Season 8 as the show moves to the Sci-Fi Channel (now SyFy). As Dr. F. laments over the guests invited by TV’s Frank the previous April, Pearl recognizes Crow (she calls him “Art”). Crow/Art recognizes her as well. *You look 10 years younger since the scars were sandblasted off* Dr. F. explains the movie concept and much to his chagrin…since TV’s Frank died, there is no one to send the movie down the Umbilicus. FORTUNATELY, Pearl has one of her favorite movies in her bag….and a short that *sucks on toast* (Pearl).

MOVIE SIGN

The short, ONCE UPON A HONEYMOON (1956) is SO NOT to be confused with the 1942 movie of the same name that stars Cary Grant. It is interesting that TWO of the actors in this short appeared in some pretty good movies in their day. Alan Mowbray (Gordon) appeared in The Man Who Knew Too Much, The King and I, Terror By Night, and My Man Godfrey. Russell Hicks (Angel Chief) appeared in The Little Foxes (one of my FAVORITE Bette Davis films), The Bank Dick, Follow the Fleet, and Scarlet Street. ONCE UPON A HONEYMOON is about a couple named Jeff and Mary. Jeff is a songwriter and because of work obligations, he has had to postpone the couple’s honeymoon. The newlyweds are about to head out the door when Gordon calls and says the “star” of the show LOVES the lyrics to *The Wishing Song*, but does not love the melody. This stops the couple from leaving. OH…I forgot the most important part, their Guardian Angel named Wilbur *insert favorite Mr. Ed line here* is sent down to help them out. Mary begins *WISHING* for house repairs. One part of this short, when she is on the red phone was featured on a Tennessee Lottery commercial a few years ago. Mary wishes for a new kitchen *Wish in one hand, crap in another and see which one fills up first* (Mike) That riff is one I use often with my boys. Mary also wishes for a new living room, a bedroom…Well, you get the point. There is a dance segment, a glowing telephone, and lots of cigarette smoking. Ultimately, they do get the song written with help from the Angel Dust that Wilbur sprinkles on the telephone. *Honey, your cocaine is everywhere* (Crow). *This would be a great companion film with ERASERHEAD* (Crow). *Who the hell was that about anyway?* (Servo)

HOST SEGMENT

It is the STUFFING VS. POTATO Controversy. Crow and Servo give their opinions based on more facts than most network newscasts. Mike decides to have both. The Bots agree. Mike has a fit.

MOVIE SIGN

When you have a movie based on a story by Gene CORMAN, one can only conclude that Roger CORMAN is the Executive Producer. *I’ve been Cormanized* (Mike) Like MANY genre movies of the day, it begins with an astronaut in trouble. I cite THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN, and THE CRAWLING HAND as only TWO examples of this storyline. The astronaut (John) crashes and burns. A jeep, carrying Dave and Donna, is sent out to find the remains.*Someone is burning leaves and NASA is there* (Crow) *Did I crash land in the ocean?* (Servo) *No, this is Spooner, Wisconsin* (Mike). Dave radios the others, Steve, Julie, and Alex. John and Julie were to be married. Alex asks, “How bad is it?” *Ever see stroganoff?* (Crow) Donna notices some type of “carpet-like” mass. The fears of this turning into THE CREEPING TERROR begin as the rug escapes. Alex notices that John is still alive and they take him back to their lab. *Is your freezer empty?* (Servo). Dave is examining the “carpet remnants”. We also have a shot of the RESTRICTED AREA sign. *Please, no terrorists.* (Mike) Dave tries to radio for help. He can’t get through. The others examine the body. They notice marks on John’s body. For some reason, a running gag of how everyone is named “Steve” begins. Steve tries his luck at the radio. Suddenly John has a blood pressure reading. Dave tries to fix the radio issues. THEN, the power goes out. Dave is approached by The Creature. The others rush to help. *The Steves are there!* (Mike) They come back in and check on John and spot some more of that carpet-like substance. *That’s mine, my back has been flaking like crazy* (Crow) They decide to board up the broken windows. *We’re all set in case the birds attack us* (Mike). Julie finds something amiss in the blood cells. Just the animation of the cells send Mike and the Bots into incessant giggles.

HOST SEGMENT

Pearl has another conversation with Crow (Art). Pearl laments about her zygote (Dr. F.) *Kill him, that’s what I’d do.” (Crow). Guest Mr. B Natural (Bridget Nelson) and Jack Perkins (Mike) enter the picture. Jack is really drunk.

MOVIE SIGN

They make arrangements to transport John’s body and try to figure out what is happening with his blood and the blood beast has even stopped their watches. *EVERYTHING is going wrong in this movie* (Mike) Julie asks, “What would cause a thing like that?” *God hates us* (Crow) The cast of characters discuss the strange mass that was on the ship. Alex: “We need an explanation and a good one for this” *ELVES* (Crow) They decide to have round-the-clock watches and Alex takes the first one. *Here comes the nutty part* (Crow) We see a creeping shadow of the blood beast. Dave and Steve wake up and investigate *EWWWW, the patient has blown a gasket!* (Crow) Alex is dead. John awakes. *EWW I just blew all over the operating room!* (Mike) *Let’s shoot him back into space and see what happens* (Crow). John is confused. Julie sees another mark on John’s body. *Did that thing pop?* (Servo) They conclude Alex has become part of John because of John’s sudden medical knowledge. They recheck the John’s blood again and they are normal. He goes under the fluoroscope and he is *Loaded with shrimp!* (Crow) Suddenly, The Creature appears. *Barney has been in a fire!* (Crow) A battle ensues. *You can’t stop me from seeing my children!* (Servo) John doesn’t want The Creature killed. John passes out and is put back on a bed. Steve tells Julie that John is dangerous. She says, “Not to me. He won’t hurt me” *unless the Packers lose* (Mike) They all are armed now. *Here’s your Frankenberry Pistol* (Mike) Steve, Donna, and Dave hunt for The Creature. *I don’t see the blood Beast but I see the beast of Yucca Flats* (Mike). Suddenly watches start working. The guys leave Donna and reach the capsule. The Creature grabs Donna. *Sigmund the Sea Monster!! NO!!!* (Crow) They start shooting and it drops Donna. Cut to the lab, John grabs Julie’s gun and starts a speech on how they’re lives may or may not be in the future. He tries to assure Julie that The Creature is harmless. He hands her the gun. *Here’s your Count Chocula pistol* (Servo). When the others return to the lab they discuss AGAIN about killing The Creature. *Let’s review, what are we talking about?* (Servo) They come away with no plan because no one knows anything.

HOST SEGMENT

Mike and The Bots sit down to dinner after singing The Star-Spangled Banner. They look for Crow to say the blessing, but he is down in Deep 13 enjoying that meal with Dr. F., Pearl, Kitten with a Whip (Kevin Murphy), Mr. B, James Lipton (passed out at this point) and Pitch. They start with Pearl giving thanks to God of the things for which they are thankful. Jack Perkins announces the engagement of himself and Mr. B Natural. They chow down.

MOVIE SIGN

The crew is standing watch ... Steve and Dave discuss their concern over John. They choose weapons: A Molotov Cocktail. *It’s a little early to start drinking* (Crow). MORE TALKING about what they are going to do. John inspects Alex’s dead body. Dave and Steve join him. ..and AGAIN the KILL/NOT KILL segment is rehashed. *Once, Twice, Three Times and Blood Beast* (Mike) The next day, John leads them to where the beast is hiding. *If the name says Corman, there will be walking* (Crow) *OH, blood beast scat, careful* (Mike) They finally get to the cave and argue about what is going to happen. The Creature speaks with Alex’s voice. *I’m hiding in here because the dogs keep burying me and digging me up* (Mike) *In our country it is customary to throw gasoline on the new couple* (Crow) The Creature explains AGAIN how he is using Alex’s voice and defends his position on why he should not be killed. Mike and The Bots giggle every time they show the beast. Let’s face it…THAT BEAST is just funny. John somehow FINALLY realizes he has alien babies inside him. He pleads to be killed. The Creature grabs John…John stabs himself. The Molotov Cocktails are thrown and the blood beast is killed. *So what was the point again?* (Servo)

HOST SEGMENT

Mike is ready to serve pie. The argument over Mincemeat Pie is discussed. Mike is too distracted by what is happening on Deep 13. Pearl served her Turkey Surprise which has killed all of the guests except Jack Perkins. Pearl announces she is staying. Jack delights in the Holiday’s importance. *Should you kill him or should I* (Dr. F).

Yes, I am wistful for these Turkey Day celebrations. Though, those days are long gone, we still have the advantage of seeing the movies on Netflix, Hulu, and fan-trading sites.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

My First ‘Grown-Up’ Halloween

2011-10-02T19:52:00.000-04:00

I’ve written often of Halloweens of my youth, of how important they were in the development of the boy who would one day be “the Unimonster.” I’ve even written of that last Halloween of my childhood, the point at which I realized I was too old to go trick-or-treating any longer. I thought at the time that my Halloween celebrations were in the past, buried in the same heap as outgrown clothes, broken toys, and forgotten books. Life has a way of carrying us forward, and the normal passage of time soon had my thoughts turning in other directions. Everyday concerns and worries—college, work, dating, trying to figure out how Bruce Willis’ career survived HUDSON HAWK—all pushed thoughts of Halloween into the deep recesses of my mind. By the early 1990s, I was married, to a lovely redhead without the slightest interest in monsters or Horror movies, and I settled down to a life of grown-up domesticity. Or so I thought.

Unfortunately, a fondness for the ghosts, ghouls, and creatures of the Horror genre wasn’t the only difference that my wife and I had, and those differences eventually led to our separation and divorce. That separation occurred in October of 1998, with the divorce being finalized twelve months later. Frankly, Halloween was the furthest thing from my mind at those times, but if anyone had asked me if I’d ever look forward to the October season again, I would have replied, quite honestly, that I never again wanted to think of October. And that was my frame of mind for some time after my divorce.

However, as trite and clichéd as the aphorism may be, time really does heal all wounds. A year after my divorce, I was casting about for something to take my mind off my pain and troubles. I had become far too friendly with a pair of Southern gentlemen named Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, and I knew I needed something other than alcohol to occupy my mind. Psychologists might have much to say regarding my reaching back into my childhood to find a refuge from my pain; if so, then … so be it. All I know is that I turned to the monster movies that I had loved as a child, and rediscovered that love as a thirty-six year-old man. I’ve written of how I began collecting Horror movies, taping every one that came on television, buying others as I could afford it. I’ve also shared with you how that simple hobby led me to the yahoo groups full of like-minded people, and how that, in turn, led me back to my writing. That’s what led to my ‘rebirth’ as the Unimonster, nearly a decade ago.

Something else that was reborn in me was my love of Halloween, though it had certainly never died. It had merely been sublimated by the pressures of life. But that first Halloween after my divorce, long before ‘Unimonster’ was even a thought in my mind, as I started building my collection of movies with five straight days of twenty-four hours worth of Horror movies—courtesy of American Movie Classics’ Monsterfest—that love came crashing back to the forefront. That October of 2000, I ended the month with fifty-three movies in my collection, a pair of VCRs that were hot to the touch, and—for the first time in two years—a measure of happiness in my heart.

As the summer of 2001 began to wane, my thoughts, as they always had in childhood, turned to thoughts of the approaching Halloween season. It had been more than twenty years since I had been that excited about October, and I was looking forward to another month of scary and ghoulish fun such as I had known in that long-ago past. I wanted to decorate, I wanted to celebrate, I wanted to recapture every bit of the joy that Halloween had represented to me as a boy.

Then one bright, splendid Tuesday morning in September, everything changed as I sat at my desk at work and watched as war was declared on my country. As they had been three years before, thoughts of such trivialities as Halloween and monster movies were chased from my mind, by the actions of real-life monsters far worse than anything Hollywood ever conceived. This time the hurt, less personal but far more profound, was moderated by an intense rage at those who would, in such a cowardly manner, strike at something I love far more than myself. The stress of weeks of waiting for us to strike back left little room in my thoughts for Halloween, and when, in early October, a series of anthrax attacks targeted, among other organizations, television networks, my job as chief of security at a television station guaranteed that that stress would only increase. Halloween passed almost unnoticed amid the hectic events of the first months of war.

Another year passed, and life returned to a manner of normalcy. As August faded into September, I once again began to think of Halloween. That July, I had joined my first Yahoo Group, the now-defunct (and sorely-missed) Horrorweb group. By September, I was a fully active member; in fact, in response to the Horrorwench’s September 10^th question regarding plans for adding a store to the Horrorweb web-site to sell Halloween (and general horror) merchandise, I posted the following reply, “Love that Idea, Wench... I'm into ALL things Halloween! (Already started decorating my crypt!)” I was not yet the Unimonster, but the Crypt has always been the ‘Crypt’!

That autumn was the best I had experienced in decades, as I luxuriated in the joys of Halloween as I remembered it. Every store I entered seemed to have Halloween as its main stock in trade; every network on cable TV seemed to have non-stop horror-thons playing nightly. To put it bluntly, I gorged on Halloween the way Augustus Gloop overindulged in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. I bought decorations, and movies, and candy. I recorded every Horror Film that I could; and watched those that I already had over and over. If anything, this new form of Halloween experience was even better than my youth, for now I was completely free to give in to the holiday ‘spirit’, if you will. My dreams of Halloween perfection, the things I had wanted to do in childhood, but had never been able to make happen, were now possible—provided I spend the money to realize them. And while my budget wasn’t as large as I wished it to be, I still came close to matching those childhood fantasies.

As that November 1^st dawned, I realized that that October had been the happiest month of the past several years for me. Never again would I ignore the Halloween season, or pretend that I had long ago outgrown it. Never again would I forget the joy to be found in black cats and Jack o’ Lanterns. Eleven months of the year I would be a grown-up (well, relatively speaking …) with grown-up problems and responsibilities. But October once more would be mine. October would serve to remind me that there was still a part of me untouched by heartbreak, divorce, financial worries, ulcers, hypertension, stress. October would keep me sane.

For thirty-one days every year, October would let me be a kid again.

DVD Review: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS: THE GODFATHER OF GORE Special Edition DVD

2011-10-02T19:45:00.003-04:00

Title: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS: THE GODFATHER OF GORE Special Edition DVD

Year of Release—Film: 2010

Year of Release—DVD: 2011

DVD Label: Something Weird Video

For more than twenty years, Mike Vraney’s Something Weird Video has reveled in the bizarre, forgotten films that no one else would dare touch. From driver’s ed staples such as “Highways of Agony,” to Roadshow classics like CHILD BRIDE, DAMAGED GOODS, and MOM AND DAD, Something Weird loves it all. In that twenty years, SWV has brought its legion of fans exactly what they’ve been craving, and in so doing, Vraney has earned a well-deserved reputation as both the videophile’s best friend and the greatest living proponent of the Exploitation film. One of that “legion of fans” is yours truly, as I explained in a previous article, “Something Weird on the Screen: The Wild, Bizarre and Wacky World of Scare-Your-Children Movies, Exploitation Shorts and Stag Films.” [The Unimonster’s Crypt, 11 April 2009]

Recently, Vraney, and Something Weird Video, has branched out into the production end of bringing Exploitation fans their hearts’ desire. Their first effort, one that is guaranteed to please fans of Exploitation, Grindhouse, and Drive-In movies, is the documentary HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS: THE GODFATHER OF GORE.

Lewis, 82, is one of the few remaining links to the glory days of Exploitation film, the period between the end of the Roadshow era and the 1970s, when anything could, and did, make it on-screen. The 1960s marked a transitional period in exploitive cinema, as filmmakers worked to push cinematic envelopes apace with crumbling censorship restrictions. Lewis, along with men and women such as Dan Sonney, Doris Wishman, Bob Cresse, and Lewis’ producing partner David F. Friedman, were in the forefront of that effort, and those efforts would culminate in the free-for-all that was filmmaking in the early 1970s. Lewis and Friedman were the most polished of the exploiteers of this era, and perhaps the most influential. Though the pair helped popularize Nudie-Cuties, and created what came to be known as the Roughie with SCUM OF THE EARTH, fans of this era hold them in high regard primarily for their contribution to the Horror genre. For, in 1963, they gave birth to the gore film with BLOOD FEAST.

While this documentary traces Herschell’s entire career, as told by the man himself, much of the focus is on his well-deserved reputation as Horror’s first ‘goremeister’. Three such movies were produced with Dave Friedman—BLOOD FEAST, TWO THOUSAND MANIACS, and COLOR ME BLOOD RED—before the partnership ended amicably. The two remained good friends, and Friedman is interviewed in-depth for this project, perhaps his last filmed interviews [Ed. Note: It’s my belief that Senior Correspondent Bobbie Culbertson had one of the last, if not the last, interview with Mr. Friedman when she spoke with him at length for our co-authored book, Dixie’s Drive-Ins: the Southern Drive-In Culture of the 1950s through the 1980s, shortly before his passing]. Lewis also made several gore films on his own, with titles such as THE WIZARD OF GORE, THE GORE-GORE GIRLS, THE GRUESOME TWOSOME, and of course, SOMETHING WEIRD. All are examined in this documentary, making it a must-have for Lewis’ fans, as well as fans of gore in general.

Directed by Frank Henenlotter (of BASKET CASE fame) and Jimmy Maslon, this is a loving tribute to Lewis, as well as being both educational and informative, in a very fun way. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Available exclusively from Something Weird Video for $14.99, at: http://www.somethingweird.com.

DVD Review: TRICK 'r TREAT

2011-10-02T19:38:00.000-04:00

Title: TRICK ‘r TREAT

Year of Release—Film: 2007

Year of Release—DVD: 2009

DVD Label: Warner Premiere

Considering that Halloween is the celebration of all things frightening and horrific, it’s remarkable that, save for the franchise launched in 1978 by John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN, relatively few Horror Films are devoted to our favorite holiday. Halloween might get a toss-away nod here and there, but I’m talking about using the day as the central theme of the film, as does Carpenter’s masterpiece of Holiday Horror. One recent film not only took All Hallows Eve to heart, but it did so in spectacular fashion. So much so, that it quickly became the Unimonster’s second favorite Halloween movie. That film is Michael Dougherty’s 2007 movie TRICK ‘r TREAT.

Written by Dougherty, TRICK ‘r TREAT is a cinematic vision of the lore, wonder, and fascination that surrounds Halloween, crystallized into a series of four vignettes interwoven into one story centered on a demonic trick-or-treater named Sam. Sam (short for Samhain, the Celtic festival of the dead that is the ancestor of our modern Halloween) is the personification of the holiday, watching over the festivities, and punishing those who lack the proper respect for the holiday and its customs and traditions. He’s present in each of the four stories, as well as visible throughout the framing sequences.

As in most anthologies, some of the tales are better than the rest, but that variation is not nearly as marked here. The opening sequence features a young married couple named Henry and Emma (Tahmoh Penikett and Leslie Bibb), who are returning from the evening’s festivities and their argument over the disrespect that Emma demonstrates towards the holiday’s traditions. The four vignettes that follow are, in order: The Principal, starring Dylan Baker as the principal of the local school, who has an odd way of celebrating the holiday; The School Bus Massacre Revisited, about a group of kids visiting the site of a mysterious tragedy thirty years before; Surprise Party, concerning a young woman’s (Anna Paquin) efforts to lose her “virginity;” and Meet Sam, in which a cantankerous, Halloween-hating old man (the always enjoyable Brian Cox) receives his just desserts. The film’s conclusion ties the segments together nicely, as well as provides a very satisfying finish.

Technically speaking, the film is remarkably well-done, with photography by veteran DP Glen MacPherson. Produced by Bryan Singer, director of films such as X-MEN, THE USUAL SUSPECTS, and SUPERMAN RETURNS, TRICK ‘r TREAT has a smooth, polished look that belies its $12 million budget, due in large part to Singer’s experience and guidance. One factor in that look that I especially enjoyed is the paucity of CGI; almost all the effects work was practical. The Unimonster is an old-fashioned kinda guy, and much prefers the magic of latex and rubber to pixels and megabytes. CGI, when perfect, can be spectacularly effective. Films such as STAR TREK and SUCKER PUNCH demonstrate this. However, perfection is both difficult to achieve, and tremendously expensive. If the result is anything less than perfection, then our eyes simply aren’t fooled. It may seem counter-intuitive, but often a $200 latex appliance can be more convincing than several thousand dollars worth of computer time.

The DVD, from Warner Premiere, is okay—skimpy on special features, but acceptable. The only bonus is the animated short Season’s Greetings, upon which the film is based. The disc does include subtitles, something I always appreciate, but the lack of a commentary track on the feature (oddly, there is one for the animated short) is an unfortunate oversight on Warner’s part. More information on the difficulties the producers had in finding distribution for this movie would be greatly appreciated.

For the Unimonster, there are certain movies that just define Halloween, movies that must be watched before the holiday ends or it’s just not Halloween. Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN, Lugosi’s DRACULA, the original THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD—these movies say “Halloween” to me. I do believe that TRICK ‘r TREAT will be joining that list this October … and for many Octobers to come.

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: HACK-O-LANTERN (HALLOWEEN NIGHT)

2011-10-02T19:31:00.000-04:00

Title: HACK-O-LANTERN (HALLOWEEN NIGHT)

Year of Release—Film: 1988

[Ed. Note: Jag Mundhra, the Director of HACK ‘O LANTERN, passed away on 4 September, 2011 in Mumbai, India. The Crypt offers its sincere condolences to his loved ones.]

Kindly pumpkin-truck-driving Grandpa (Hy Pyke) makes a surprise Halloween visit to his young grandson, Tommy. Grandpa gives Tommy his choice of pumpkin, a dime-store rubber skeleton and a mysteriously wrapped small package, cautioning Tommy not to tell his parents of the visit. Later as Tommy is carving the jack-o-lantern, he cuts his finger on the carving knife and begins sucking the blood off, saying “Grandpa said it’s good for me.” Tommy’s mother (Katrina Garner) furiously questions Tommy and, when she finds out that the Grandpa has visited, smashes Tommy’s pumpkin and warns Tommy to stay away from that man! Later, the mother and father discuss the visit and the father, fed up with this crazy old coot, goes to warn the old man to leave Tommy alone. Once at the Grandpa’s house, the father does not seem at all surprised to find the old man conducting a satanic ritual and confronts him. The Grandpa’s reaction to being interrupted is to smash Tommy’s father over the head with a hammer and set him and his car on fire. At home, Tommy opens the package to reveal a pentagram necklace.

Fast-forward 13 years. Tommy (Greg Scott Cummings, former NFL punter for the San Diego Chargers) is now a rebellious young man, living in his mother’s basement and whiling his days listening to heavy metal and fantasizing about killing fellow heavy metal band members (featuring the band D. C. Lacroix) with laser guns. His younger brother, Roger (Jeff Brown) is a rookie cop and his younger sister, Vera (Carla Baron) is a...well, the audience is never sure what Vera does other than wander around town with her friends. As the mother struggles to keep both her late husband’s fruit farm going and her family together, she disapproves of anyone who comes near them. And then there’s the Grandpa. Despite the fact that the town’s hosting its annual Halloween party and everyone’s going, Grandpa warns Tommy that tonight Tommy will take his rightful place as head of the Coven. The mother, sensing something is amiss, meets the Grandpa on the bridge and begs him to leave Tommy alone. The Grandpa strokes the mother’s arms and replies that she is still a temptation to him after all these years. And we see in a flashback Grandpa raping his own daughter on her wedding day. Tommy is not his grandson! He is his own son! Bwahahahaha! (*cough* Sorry about that.)

Allow me to pause in the narrative here. This is where director Jag Mundhra and writer Carla Robinson begin smoking up some of Los Angeles’ favorite import. Or so it would seem. Up until now, this was a straight-up abet cheaply done horror movie with a decent plot that moved along at a nice pace. We’ve had some gratuitous nudity. And some not badly done gore effects. It’s on Halloween night at the town dance where this movie does a complete right turn. Because this is the part of the movie where the plot introduces the snake charmer. And the stripper. And the stand-up comedian (whose name is Bill Tucker and if, after watching his corny and contrived shtick, you’d like to book his act, here’s his website: [http://delafont.com/comedians/Bill-Tucker.htm].

It’s as if Jag Mundhra has put up flyers around town announcing he was looking for bit players for the party dance scene and if you had a Halloween costume and/ or some minor talent at anything, you could be in his movie! And so the plot grinds to a halt as we watch various and not terribly talented towns-people do their “things.” Eventually, we do get back to the plot and are rewarded with various townspeople being offed by someone in a devil’s mask and dark cape. (I should also mention that all the women in this town are “hootchie-mamas” who are not adverse to pulling their clothes off at a moment’s notice. Joe Bob would be proud!)

Tommy is at the coven’s ritual getting prepared to become the leader when his sister, Vera, dashes into the barn and, babbling hysterically, tells Tommy about all the killings. Grandpa, upset that this very important ritual has been interrupted, strings the girl up and orders Tommy to kill her. But, Tommy can’t. After all, she’s his sister! Furious, the be-caped Grandpa runs into the night after the fleeing girl. And caped Tommy runs after them. Which of these caped family members is the real killer!?! And, we are rewarded with the double-twist ending! (Eat your heart out, M. Night!)

Hy Pyke, who went on to do only two movies after this one, plays the Grandpa like a double order of California fruit salad. Greg Scott Cummings played Tommy with such an aggressive nature that I feared he’d explode. Carla Baron played Vera as a horny cipher. And the supporting cast ... well, we’ve already covered that in a previous paragraph. However, despite it’s obvious flaws and continuity problems, this is an unintentionally funny and fun little movie. So, when planning your next Halloween party, which is only a few short weeks away, you could do worse than chose HACK ‘O LANTERN for the amusement of your guests.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

MSTjunkie

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 7: EARTH vs. THE SPIDER

2011-10-02T19:24:00.000-04:00

Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 7: Earth vs. the spider

Happy Halloween everyone!!! Oh, I know that we have a few weeks to go, but the month of October is a TOTAL, NON-STOP, TAKE-NO-PRISONERS celebration in our house. We begin with the ceremonial “EATING OF THE CANDY CORN”, then the house is decorated, and finally we watch Horror/Sci-Fi/Thriller movies ALL MONTH LONG!! *insert WOO HOO here* In our home, we are no respecter of persons when it comes to these genre movies. We watch everything from the SUBLIME to the RIDICULOUS…and, at times, we watch worse. In conjunction with the October Couch Potato Film Festival held at the Attack of the B-Movie Monsters Yahoo Group, we meticulously log our viewing choices to see WHO is the biggest Couch Potato. Mind you, this is a hard fought title, and one must train for months on end to be prepared for the top spot on October 31^st. Yours truly has never reached the ultimate goal; however, the dip in my couch cushion (much like the rings on a tree) is indicative of the commitment it takes to be Top Spud. Nonetheless, I try valiantly each and every year as do others. If you feel you are up to the task, please join us! I DARE YOU!!

Now, what Halloween season would be complete without the inclusion of the “BIG BUG” movie? NONE, OF COURSE!! During MST3K’s decade-long run, there were many experiments that included gigantic animals, insects, and even PEOPLE. Once again, this month, we give attention to one of the gang’s favorite film-makers, Bert I. Gordon. Instead of a buxom ghost haunting a lighthouse, we will see the machinations of a spider who lives in a cave, EARTH VS. THE SPIDER. The title itself has a bit of a misnomer within it. It wasn’t exactly the ENTIRE EARTH involved here, but a rural community in ANYTOWN, USA.

Grab a can of Raid, a favorite snack, and let’s unravel the very tangled web of Bert I. Gordon’s EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1956)

Directed by
Bert I. Gordon

Writing credits
László Görög		(screenplay) (as Laszlo Gorog) and
George Worthing Yates		(screenplay)
Bert I. Gordon		(story)

Cast (in credits order) verified as complete

Ed Kemmer	...	Professor Art Kingman
June Kenney	...	Carol Flynn
Eugene Persson	...	Mike Simpson (as Gene Persson)
Gene Roth	...	Sheriff Cagle
Hal Torey	...	Mr. Simpson
June Jocelyn	...	Mrs. Jack Flynn
Mickey Finn	...	Sam Haskel, Road Foreman
Sally Fraser	...	Mrs. Helen Kingman
Troy Patterson	...	Joe
Skip Young	...	Sam the Bass Player
Howard Wright	...	Jake
Bill Giorgio	...	Deputy Sheriff Pete Sanders
Hank Patterson	...	Hugo the River Falls H.S. Janitor
Jack Kosslyn	...	Mr. Fraser, Camera Club Teacher
Bob Garnet	...	Springdale Pest Control Man
Shirley Falls	...	Switchboard Operator
Bob Tetrick	...	Deputy Sheriff Dave
Nancy Kilgas	...	Dancer
George Stanley	...	Man in Cavern
David Tomack	...	Power Line Foreman
Merritt Stone	...	Jack Flynn, Carol's Dad

HOST SEGMENT

The show opens with Crow hosting a talk show called “Inside the Robot’s Mind” with Servo as his guest. As expected the two bots goof around so much the show never really gets started. Magic Voice has to intervene for Commercial Sign and Joel has to chastise them because The Mads’ light had been flashing for some time. We head to Deep 13, TV’s Frank is an operator for the Cheese Phone. Joel is upset because they stole HIS idea for the phone, dating back to the late 1970’s. Joel’s invention exchange is a CD Player/Blow Dryer combo featuring the music of John Tesh. Dr. F. tells Frank to push the button on the cheese phone, but Frank ate all the buttons.

MOVIE SIGN

The runtime of the movie is 73 minutes, THEREFORE, we open with at short called SPEECH: USING YOUR VOICE. The short teaches us how to be better public speakers. I’m not sure how the host’s (Professor E.C. Buehler) profession as Director of Forensics helps us here, but it does. We go through several vignettes of horrid speakers and what they can do to speak more intelligently. Professor Buehler gives us tips throughout the short on the three points to “good speaking” and the gang retorts in kind. First you must be HEARD, then you must be UNDERSTOOD, and finally you must be PLEASING. *Do I please you? Do you find me pleasing?* (Crow) The riffs in this VERY amusing short are fast and furious and I would fill up pages trying to tell you about it. PLEASE look it up on YouTube, you will be glad you did.

The opening credits on EVTS have a spider web backdrop *Hey Charlotte, it spells out a word* (Crow) Crow also asks if Jack WEBB is in this movie. Servo recites the *No spiders were harmed* disclaimer and that *one spider died of old age and we have letters from two doctors* to verify it. The movie opens with ANOTHER Merritt Stone sighting! He is driving down the road . *Let me tell you about myself. I drive a truck, I’m butt-ugly, and I hate spiders* (Servo) He soon meets his fate. *I’m guessing the movie is not about him* (Servo) The scene switches to the next day and we meet Mike and Carol (NO, NOT BRADY). Today is Carol’s birthday and Mike gives her a present. Carol doesn’t open the gift and Mike wants to know why. *I’ll have to return it first* (Joel). Carol explains her father is missing and Mike tries to console her … without success. It appears her father is a bit of a drinker and it isn’t that unusual for him to be gone. Carol protests and heads into school. We all meet in chemistry class with Prof. Art Kingman (Ed Kemmer). He is talking about negative and positive poles *Lech Walesa?* (Crow) Mike and Carol are passing notes and the Prof. calls them out. *Shame High School, what a burn* (Joel) Mike and Carol borrow a car to look for her father. They drive up to something in the road and Mike asks what it is. *That’s just a dead fath-! A dead father?? –sobs-* (Servo) Turns out, it is a *bat rope* (Joel) or a *giant dreadlock* (Crow). Of course, WE KNOW it is a spider web. They find glass on the road and the gift that Carol’s Dad was to give her *Dear Carol, I’m Dead. ENJOY!!* (Crow) The two teens spot a crashed truck. Coincidentally (or not) it is the SAME truck Carol’s Dad was driving. *The spider stripped the truck for parts!* (Joel). Mike determines her Dad must be okay. *Good thing he was just thrown through the windshield* (Crow)

HOST SEGMENT

We are introduced to Crow’s cinematic endeavor, a screenplay called EARTH VS. SOUP. He implores the others to read through the script. The title’s purpose seems to escape Joel and Servo who want to know *WHY SOUP?* They have to read the script and find out about Soup mixed with Uranium 235. The terror of the script evolves quickly as the people get attacked by soup *on all fours* (Crow) *Soup….on all FOURS???* (Servo) Yeah, what did you think? Soup is a biped??* (Crow) Servo and Crow commence discussions on the backstory.

MOVIE SIGN

Mike spots THE CAVE and they go exploring DESPITE THE KEEP OUT SIGN. *Danger, weak plot ahead. This means you.* (Joel) Mike wants to go in alone, but Carol soon follows. *Oh! I broke a heel, carry me!* (Crow) *It’s Carol’s Dad’s Caverns* (Joel) *They walked to Arizona* (Servo) *Boy, your Dad sure found a great cave to die in* (Servo, as Mike) EVENTUALLY…the two teens stumble upon some skeletal remains. *Hi Carol, did you get my present?* (Servo, as a skeleton) Both of them fall into a web…a sticky icky web. Noises begin. We see our large villain *ah it’s just a process shot, honey* (Joel). They escape the cave, bringing back with them a bit of web. They use this to try and convince people that there is a giant spider milling about. Professor Kingman calls the police. The sheriff scoffs. They decide to round up a spider posse which includes the bug-killing DDT. The sheriff still mocks. The posse enters the cave. *I suppose you’re going to tell me this is a cave.* (Crow, as sheriff) *AH! I broke a heel, carry me* (Joel, as sheriff) Mike and Carol lead them to the spider. *Hey, this music wasn’t here before* (Crow) *Look for a dried guy in a silk bag, pass it down* (Crow, as the sheriff). The group finally finds Carol’s Dad. *No, that’s Rose Kennedy* (Joel) The sheriff still is an unbeliever, until he finds the web. *Get that DDT PDQ, you S.O.B* (Joel) The spider does NOT like it, people die. *He died as he lived….with jelly on his face* (Servo)

Everyone leaves the cave and Carol has dropped her bracelet. The sheriff gives orders to board up the cave. The Prof. wants to figure out HOW the spider got that way. The sheriff wants no part of it.

HOST SEGMENT

The gang forms the group SPYDOR. Arguments ensue about the coolness of KISS, and the knowledge that mentioning EMERSON, LAKE, and PALMER causes Gypsy to hurl. A high school janitor (Mike Nelson) appears from outer space to clean-up with sawdust. Joel wonders what a high school janitor has to do with anything.

MOVIE SIGN

The Prof. brings the spider back to the high school and they house it in the Gym. Cut to Carol crying and her Mother comes to console her. *I don’t get it. Daddy’s dead and everyone’s making jokes* (Joel) Carol’s Mom reminds her she needs to do her homework. *I don’t want you getting bad grades just because your Dad is worm food* (Joel) Carol urges Mike to take her back to cave, but he has to borrow wheels again. The rest of the teen gang has to practice their music. They convince the janitor (Hank Patterson, AKA Fred Ziffel from Green Acres) to open the locked gym doors. The band begins playing. More kids come in….and begin dancing. *Geez, I hate this music” (Crow as the spider) *I got eight legs, I wanna dance* (Servo as the spider). Someone screams and the spider is on the move. The janitor calls the Prof. and is eaten by the spider *Mr. oh-my-god-crunch-crunch, speak up* (Joel as the Prof.). The Prof. urges his wife and baby to stay home. Another *pivotal scene* has Mike and Carol walking back into the cave. Back to the city, the spider is wreaking havoc on the community. There are various shots of people trying to escape. *IT’S THE SPECIAL EFFECTS SIREN* (Crow) The Sheriff, on the phone, complains about being cut off. *By more bartenders than I can count* (Servo) The law enforcement officers try to get more artillery, and the deputy rides off on a motorcycle becoming a *deputycicle* (Crow) The sweep of the streets show bodies laying around and a child crying.*Tonight’s episode…We are gathered here to DIE* (Servo) The sheriff spots a citizen named Jake driving through the streets. Jake is evacuating and has HAD IT. *You know if Jake has had it, it must really be bad* (Joel) The spider (obviously graying) taps on a window. *I love this bit. DING DONG, Avon Calling* (Crow). Since it is the Prof’s house that the spider is visiting, he rams into the spider with his car. He gets it to follow him back to the cave, unbeknownst to him that Mike and Carol are there. The teens are still looking for her bracelet. *The spider is either missing or he’s dead* (Crow) After a tedious SEARCH scene, the bracelet is finally found and they start heading back out of the cave. The spider enters. The sheriff still can’t make a long distance call. The Prof. hauls in the deputy’s body. They plan to blow up the cave. Mike’s Dad is remains behind, manning the phones. Joe (the car owner) calls and reports that his vehicle hasn’t returned, thus enlightening Mike’s Father that he and Carol are in the cave.

HOST SEGMENT

Joel introduces the bots to Creepy Crawlers. He tells them all about NON-TOXIC toys and how fun toys have been taken off the market because of the dangers. *Learn with the Creepy Crawler Maker, BURN with the Creepy Crawler Maker* (Joel)

MOVIE SIGN

Mike and Carol are having trouble getting out of the cave and are getting hungry. It so happens the spider is also getting hungry. The posse arrives at the cave again with all the explosives. *Break out the cocktail weenies* (Servo) The explosives are about ready. *Well surely, they’ll see our car at the entrance* (Joel as Carol) The dynamite goes off..and they finally realize the kids are still in there. *First they want us to close the cave, then they want us to open the cave* (Servo) They send Mike’s Dad to get some wire. Mike and Carol are under the rubble. *I really got stoned last night* (Servo) Mike and Carol reach the blocked cave opening. They start yelling. *Be heard, be understood, and be pleasing* (Crow) The spider is still rumbling about. The Prof. suggests using electrodes. Who knew?? This became a real-life lab experiment from the school lesson. Mike and Carol are tenuously scaling the cave walls. Rescue workers break through. *all night long plaque works on your teeth* (Servo) The sheriff and the Prof go into the cave. Mike says, “IT’S THEM” *Oh no..NOT THEM….NOT THE BIG ANTS* (Crow)

The Sheriff and Prof. finally reach Mike and Carol. *Hey professor, does this count as a lab?* (Joel) They get the two out and blow up the cave. The parents are reunited with their kids. The spider is dead and buried. *When in New Mexico, visit Carlsbad Caves. No bombs, we promise* (Joel) The movie is mercifully over.

HOST SEGMENT

The bots had homework. Servo had to trace the themes of Bert I. Gordon movies. Crow had to write the Autobiography of Bert I. Gordon. He compares the movies of Gordon and Orson Welles with many similarities. Joel is not fooled…Crow did not do his homework. Switch to the Mads; Frank is sick because he ate the entire phone. Dr. F prepares an injection, but Frank hurls all over the place. Time to get some sawdust.

Have fun this Halloween season, watch some old scary movies, Trick or Treat with your kids, or just dress up as you hand out candy. You can even indulge in some low budget delicacies from Bert I. Gordon and the crew from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unimonster's Crypt

SANTA CLAUS Vs. SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS---the legacy of K. Gordon Murray

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: BLOODY NEW YEAR—aka—TIME WARP TERROR

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 9: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

Cast (in credits order) verified as complete

CV EXTRA: The Price of Fear (or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Man)

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Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 8: NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST

EXPERIMENT 8: Night of the Blood beast

Full cast and crew forNight of the Blood Beast (1958) More at IMDbPro »

Writing credits

Cast (in credits order)

My First ‘Grown-Up’ Halloween

DVD Review: HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS: THE GODFATHER OF GORE Special Edition DVD

DVD Review: TRICK 'r TREAT

Junkyardfilm.com's Moldy Oldie Movie of the Month: HACK-O-LANTERN (HALLOWEEN NIGHT)

Cambot's Voice by S. J. Martiene: EXPERIMENT 7: EARTH vs. THE SPIDER

EXPERIMENT 7: Earth vs. the spider

Directed by

Writing credits

Cast (in credits order) verified as complete

Full cast and crew for
Night of the Blood Beast (1958) More at IMDbPro »