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Welcome to the Crypt!

Enter the Crypt as John "The Unimonster" Stevenson and his merry band of ghouls rants and raves about the current state of Horror, as well as reviews Movies, Books, DVD's and more, both old and new.

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From the Desk of the Unimonster...

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10 June, 2012

Back from the Dead: the Return of Hammer Horror




Beginning in the late 1950s, and continuing into the 1970s, one studio was synonymous with the production and distribution of Classic Horror films, those films featuring the creatures of gothic nightmares—vampires, werewolves, witches, and the walking dead.  Just as Universal held the title of the “House that Horror Built” in the ‘30s and ‘40s, Hammer Films was the source for gothic horror throughout my childhood.  I was on a first-name basis with Christopher Lee’s Dracula long before I met Bela Lugosi’s, and to this day, for me at least, Peter Cushing is the definitive Dr. Frankenstein.

Unfortunately, Hammer’s popularity on the big screen never quite translated into long-term financial security.  Though its films generated huge box office revenues (Hammer’s 1957 movie CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, the film which started Hammer’s reign as the king of horror, was for many years Britain’s most profitable domestic production), most of that money found its way to the overseas distributors, many of whom had fronted the cost of production for the films.  This left the studio, under the direction of Michael Carreras, in a rather precarious position.  As long as there was sufficient overseas demand for their product, primarily in the US, then the funding was readily available for the studio to maintain production.  However, this often left the studio without the ownership of the movies it produced, and without the potential revenue such movies would generate in re-release.  It also meant that, when the US market for classic Horror began to dry up in the mid-1970s, so did Hammer’s primary source of capital.  Hammer’s last feature was 1976’s TO THE DEVIL A DAUGHTER, directed by Peter Sykes.  An attempt to capitalize on the popularity of demonic-themed Horror films following the blockbuster successes of ROSEMARY’S BABY, THE EXORCIST, RACE WITH THE DEVIL, and THE OMEN, Hammer’s entry into the sub-genre was a case of too little, too late.  Except for the occasional television program produced for the British market, Hammer Films, for all intents and purposes, ceased to exist.

However, as is the case with any good horror tale, the dead have an aversion to remaining buried.  In May of 2007, the rights to Hammer’s name, as well as their library of titles, were purchased by Dutch producer John De Mol.  The resurrected studio’s first feature production was 2010’s LET ME IN, the remake of the highly-acclaimed Swedish Vampire film LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (LÅT DEN RÄTTE KOMMA IN) from 2008.  That success (though the film earned a meager $13 million at the box-office, both critics and fans raved over it) was quickly followed up by 2011’s THE RESIDENT, a psychological thriller which reunited the great Christopher Lee with the studio that made him a Horror icon.  Starring Hilary Swank and Jeffery Dean Morgan, and directed by Antii Jokinen, it wasn’t as well received as LET ME IN.  Still, Hammer Films was back on the map, a return given an implied blessing by the inclusion of Lee in the cast.  And its biggest success was yet to come.

Based on the 1983 novel by Susan Hill (which had previously been adapted for the screen in 1989), THE WOMAN IN BLACK was the reborn studio’s most ambitious project to date.  The first post-HARRY POTTER feature for star Daniel Radcliffe, Hammer started filming on the project in late September 2010, on a budget of $17 million.  Radcliffe stars as Arthur Kipps, a young solicitor (the British term for lawyer) dispatched to a small coastal village to settle the estate of a recently-deceased woman.  From the moment of his arrival, Kipps is made aware that his presence is unwelcome, and that nothing would please the villagers more than his immediate return to London.  Determined to accomplish his task (indeed, his job depends upon it), Kipps finds himself drawn deeper into a supernatural mystery that seems to involve the entire village.

THE WOMAN IN BLACK, directed by James Watkins, is a rarity for these modern times:  A good, old-fashioned gothic ghost story.  Opting for genuine scares, rather than buckets of gore and cheap shocks, Watkins crafted a thrilling film that succeeded with both critics and fans.  With an opening weekend gross of over $20 million (placing it second for the weekend only to the teen Sci-Fi film CHRONICLE), laudatory reviews from critics, and an enthusiastic response from fans, Hammer 2.0 had its first blockbuster success.  The film ended its theatrical run with a $54 million domestic gross, and $127 million internationally.  Not since Hammer’s glory days had they seen success of that caliber, and they aren’t done yet.

Recently, Hammer has placed several films into production … John Pogue’s THE QUIET ONES; BONESHAKER, a co-production with Cross Creek Pictures; GASLIGHT; and a sequel to THE WOMAN IN BLACK, subtitled ANGELS OF DEATH.  They’ve also branched out into publishing, in partnership with Random House, and have even announced plans for a visitor attraction.  As owner of the vast Hammer library of titles, the new version of the studio should have the one vital ingredient to bring its plans to fruition; the one ingredient its predecessor lacked—a viable source of steady revenue.
As someone who loves classic horror, and who has been a life-long fan of the type of Horror films that were the hallmark of the original Hammer, it’s my sincere hope that they succeed in their plans.  Enough of torture-porn, “found footage,” and vampires taken from the pre-adolescent fantasies of young girls.  Give me ghosts, ghouls, mummies, werewolves, vampires who look like vampires.

Give me Hammer Horror once again.










DVD Review: John Carpenter's THE WARD




Title:  John Carpenter’s THE WARD

Year of Release—Film:  2010

Year of Release—DVD:  2011

DVD Label:  Arc Entertainment




John Carpenter is, in this reviewer’s opinion at least, one of the three or four greatest living creators of Horror films; certainly one of the top ten such individuals of all time.  His filmography reads like a list of the essential Horror films of the last 35 years—HALLOWEEN; THE FOG; THE THING; CHRISTINE; PRINCE OF DARKNESS.  Though he has occasionally stumbled (the 1995 remake of VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED springs to mind), the same can be said of every great director, and the hits far outweigh the misses on his ledger.  Thus it can be safely said that when a new feature of his comes out, especially his first feature since 2001’s GHOSTS OF MARS, I for one pay attention.
Starring Amber Heard, Jared Harris, and Danielle Panabaker, and written by Michael and Shawn Rasmussen, the production is highlighted by a talented cast, guided by Carpenter’s expert hand.  Heard stars as Kristen, whom we meet at the scene of farmhouse, fully involved in flames.  Police show up, and proceed to wrestle her into submission, throwing her into the back of the squad car.  She’s taken to an asylum, where she encounters a group of young women, similarly incarcerated.  From the first night, Kristen notices strange occurrences—the impression that someone is in her room at night, ghostly apparitions that seem to stalk her, and a secret that the others seem to share, a secret that concerns a girl named Alice, and how she “got out,” of the institution.  The deeper Kristen delves into the mystery, the closer she comes to discovering the root of her own madness, and the memories she has locked away.

I’ve already stated that the cast and the director did an excellent job with the material they were given.  Unfortunately, that material simply wasn’t up to the standards of such a talented director.  It’s not that the script was bad … it’s just that it wasn’t in any way original.  It was like watching every other psychological horror film of the past decade—GOTHIKA, IDENTITY, SHUTTER ISLAND, THE UNINVITED—and there simply was no surprise left in the premise.  It was well-executed, yes … but it hardly needed the skills of John Carpenter to translate this derivative, hackneyed script to the big screen, much as you wouldn’t choose Gordon Ramsay to assemble a Big Mac.

As I stated earlier, I’m a huge fan of Carpenter’s, and was overjoyed by his return to Horror filmmaking.  I just wish the project he chose for that return had been worthy of him.  I’ll give this one a qualified Rent recommendation, but unless you’re a Carpenter completist, then I’d leave my cash in my pocket.







"They Just Didn't Care!" Bobbie Looks at truly Bad Filmmaking




Title:  DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK

Year of Release—Film:  2009



Four friends, Junkie (Rikki Gagne), Geek (Jen Soska), her twin sister Badass (Sylvia Soska) and the Bible-thumping Jesus-loving Goody Two Shoes (C.J. Wallis), set out for a typical day only to find the body of a dead hooker in their truck.  Not knowing if the partying duo of Badass and Junkie had anything to do with the hooker’s death, they decide to dispose of the body themselves.  In their efforts to rid themselves of this problem they encounter a sleazy motel manager, two rogue cops, a chainsaw wielding Asian gang, drug addicts and a mysterious Cowboy pimp who wants to claim the body for himself.  And God as the cab driver.  Insanity ensues.

For the first five minutes of the movie, there is no spoken dialogue.  Then, when the twins begin to speak, I immediately wanted them to shut up!  Because every other word out of their mouths is “F*CK”!  And not for shock value but like a duo of 8th graders who just learned a dirty word and delight in it’s over-use.  Filmed in shaky-cam, it looks more like the camera was held by a Parkinson sufferer.  The Soska twins, while certainly energetic in style and form, give us characters about whom we do not really care much.  Four foul-mouths who seem to have two choices and always, without fail, make the wrong ones.  First case in point:
1. Any normal citizen who, on finding a dead body in their trunk, would call the police.  Their first thought would not be to run away and hide the body.  Any right-thinking person would certainly not take it to a motel room for the night!
Second case:
2. How do they know the victim was a hooker?  She looked like any other poorly dressed, drug carrying party girl to me!  And as the story does not indicate they knew this dead girl while she was still alive, how would they know her profession?
And most confusing:
3. Why does the script give the viewers a back-story about two young girls that seemingly has nothing to do with the plot!?!

Now for the positive points in the movie.  The special effects bloodshed and blood spatter were very professionally done.  When Junkie has her arm ripped off by a truck, the prosthetic was very realistic.  As was Geek’s torn-out eyeball.  But, that brings us back to the head-scratchers.  Wouldn’t these two grievously wounded women die of their wounds if they did not go to the emergency room?  Apparently not in Soska-land!  Junkie just has Good Two Shoes sew her arm back on with sewing thread and then smokes some weed while Geek places black electricians tape in a cartoonish X over her empty eye socket!  The acting, while not professional, was adequate.  And getting Carlos ‘EL MARIACHI’ Gallardo to do a cameo as God was a very nice touch!

However energetic this movie is, it suffers mostly from too many plot developments that are simply lazy and unconvincing.  The ironic absurdity the Soskas are attempting comes off as forced and unnatural and leaves the audience counting the minutes until this overly long movie ends.  The Soska twins in their debut movie needed to be more disciplined and that may have given DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK more of a chance to be a truly unique exploitation film and less of a one-joke micro-budget flick.  I’m hoping the Soskas learn from this mistake and we’ll be seeing more of them in the future so long as they learn from their mistakes.

Title:  TICKED-OFF TRANNIES WITH KNIVES

Year of Release—Film:  2010



Three best friends, each a transsexual entertainer at Pinky La’Trimm’s (Kelexis Davenport) dance club, decide to go out together after work where two of them, Rachael Slurr (William Belli) and Emma Grashun (Erica Andrews) pick up Nacho (Kenny Ochoa) and Chuey (Gerardo Davila).  When the men tell them they have a friend, Emma and Rachael talk their reluctant friend, Bubbles Cliquot (Krystal Summers) into joining the party.  When they arrive at the party, there is a third man waiting for them.  He’s Boner (Tom Zembrod) who, the night before, had raped and beaten Bubbles after he discovers during sex that “she’s” a “he.”  And tonight, Boner’s gonna make all the “girls” pay—the ultimate price!  The transsexuals are severely beaten with a baseball bat and Bubbles escapes long enough to call friends Pinky and Tipper Sommore (Jenna Skyy) who rush over to help.  Instead, they are all over-powered and Bubbles is again cornered by Boner and brutally attacked.

Some weeks later, Bubbles awakens from a coma to hear the news that Emma and Tipper are dead.  After Bubbles is released from the hospital, all the remaining transsexuals go on a Zen trip with gay friend Fergus (Richard D. Curtin), where they all learn martial arts.  And plot their revenge against Bonner, Nacho and Chuey.  Setting a trap, Bubbles allows Boner, Nacho and Chuey to break into her apartment where Boner once again tries to “even the score.”  But, the violated vixens turn the tables and TICKED-OFF TRANNIES goes from exploitation camp to I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE in less time than you can say “You go, girl!”

TICKED-OFF TRANNIES WITH KNIVES promises to be Tarantino-like action-exploitation flick but instead is a joyless romp.  It’s as if writer-director Israel Luna came up with a kick-ass title but then foundered about trying to match it’s minor promise.  The acting ability was there with it’s butt-kicking uber-women but the film never finds it’s mojo.  The transgendered lead characters are portrayed as cartoonish and unbridled and with material like that, Bubbles, Emma, Tipper and Pinky cannot do much with the junky script.  Tom Zembrod as Boner is quite convincing as the truly frightening transphobe but Nacho and Chuey are given no character development and are, therefore, only ciphers.  Luna’s attempts at lampooning the “grindhouse experience” fills the screen with blips, scratch marks and old “missing reel” breaks that only further confuses the audience and slows down the patchwork storytelling. 

Admittedly, I was suckered in by it’s clever title and grindhouse style poster as I’m sure most fans of Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez works will be.  But, in the end, I was disappointed.  That, said I’d still like to give a big shout-out to it’s leading actors Krystal Summers, William Belli, Erica Andrews, Jenna Skyy and ask that director John Waters please contact Kelexis Davenport’s agent.  He’s found a replacement Divine!  Here’s hoping we’ll see more of them and fine actor Tom Zembrod.  Only in much better movies with better scripts!

Bobbie










LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, or how a Little Plant named Audrey II took over the World!


THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960) began when director Roger Corman was given temporary access to a set left standing from shooting A BUCKET OF BLOOD the year before.  Re-fitting the sets, Roger Corman shot the principle photography of LITTLE SHOP in two days and one night from a script penned by Charles B. Griffith who had also written A BUCKET OF BLOOD.  Originally planned as a spy thriller by Corman, Griffith wanted to do another horror comedy.  It was only after a night of heavy drinking that Griffith persuaded Corman to shoot Griffith’s screenplay about a man-eating plant titled The Passionate People Eater.  The film was cast primarily from Corman’s stable of stock players.  Dick Miller, who had played the protagonist in A BUCKET OF BLOOD was offered the lead role of Seymour Krelboyne but turned it down, opting for the smaller role of the flower-eating customer Burson Fouch, so Jonathan Haze was hired to play Seymour.  Charles B. Griffith played several smaller roles, with his father appearing as a dental patient and his grandmother as Seymour’s hypochondriac mother.

Seymour Krelboyne is a nebbish who works at a skid-row florist shop run by boss Gravis Mushnick (Mel Welles).  Seymour has a crush on co-worker Audrey Fulquard (Jackie Joseph), a sweet but naive girl with no idea of Seymour’s affections.  One day, after flubbing a flower order, Mushnick fires Seymour but Seymour persuades Mushnick to give him another chance by showing him a strange and unusual plant that Seymour has named the Audrey 2, much to the original Audrey’s delight.  Audrey explains to Mushnick that placing such an unusual plant in the run-down shop’s window might draw more ... or even some ... customers into the shop, Seymour is given the task of improving the drooping plant’s health.  Later that night, Seymour finds out the plant need human blood to sustain itself and, fearing the loss of his job and the added loss of Audrey, he feeds it drops of his own blood.  The plant thrives on this diet, which of course creates a difficult situation for Seymour.  Curious customers are lured to the shop to see this wondrous plant and for the first time, Mushnick’s making money!  The now-anemic Seymour learns from the plant (voiced by writer Charles B. Griffith) that it needs to be fed human flesh and, as a confused Seymour wanders beside some train tracks, in frustration he throws a rock which accidentally kills a man.  Guilt-ridden but resourceful, Seymour takes the body back to the shop and feeds the parts to Audrey 2.  This terrible act is seem by Mushnick who intends to turn Seymour over to the police but, in his greed, procrastinates.

Seymour develops a toothache and goes to sadistic dentist Dr. Farb (John Shaner), who forcefully tries to remove several of Seymour’s teeth.  Grabbing a sharp instrument, Seymour fights back and accidentally stabs to death the dentist then feeds the body parts to Audrey 2.  Enter two homicide detectives, Sgt. Joe Fink (Wally Campo) and his assistant Frank Stoolie (Jack Warford) who questions the visibly nervous Mushnick about the recent disappearances but they decide Mushnick knows nothing and depart.  By now, Audrey 2 has grown several feet taller and is beginning to bud as does Seymour and Audrey’s romance.  One night as Mushnick is staying with the plant while Seymour and Audrey go on a date, a robber (played by Charles B. Griffith) breaks into the shop and demands money.  Mushnick tells him the money is kept in the plant and, when the robber goes to look, he falls into the plant’s mouth and is eaten.  Seymour, depressed that his plant has been the cause of so many deaths, goes for a midnight stroll and is perused by a rather relentless streetwalker, whom he kills in desperation and feeds to Audrey 2.

Still lacking clues to the mysterious disappearances, Fink and Stoolie plan to attend a special sunset celebration at the shop during which Seymour will receive a trophy from a horticulturist society and Audrey 2’s buds are expected to open.  But when they do open, each has the face of one of the victims.  Terrified, Seymour runs from the shop with Fink and Stoolie in hot pursuit.  Seymour loses them in a junkyard and later returns to the shop where he grabs a knife and, leaping into the plant’s mouth, kills it.  When Audrey, Mushnick and the cops return to the shop, they see the plant begin to wither.  It’s one final bud opens and within is Seymour’s face which pitifully declares, “I didn’t mean it” before drooping over.  The End.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS 1960 trailer:

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS was released August 5, 1960 as the second half of a double-feature with Mario Bava’s BLACK SUNDAY and re-released a year later in a double-feature with THE LAST WOMAN ON EARTH.  The estimated budget listed in The Internet Data Base is $27,000 but Corman remembers it as $30,000 and other sources place it’s budget as low as $22,000 to a high of $100,000.  No box office records exist for LITTLE SHOP but in his book How I Made A Hundred Movies In Hollywood And Never Lost A Dime, Roger Corman states ““It was a let-down to make back the $30,000 negative cost with just a modest profit” and he didn’t copyright the movie, which has now gone into public domain.

The film’s popularity grew during the 1960-70’s with local horror hosts featuring it on their television programs.  Interest in the movie rekindled and it 1982, it became a hit off-Broadway horror rock musical called Little Shop of Horrors.  That later became a hit movie of the same title in 1986, directed by Frank Oz and starring Rick Moranis, Ellen Greene, Steve Martin, Vincent Gardenia, James Belushi, John Candy, Bill Murray, Christopher Guest with Levi Stubbs, one of the original Four Tops singing group, voicing Audrey 2.  Packed with snappy musical numbers, written by Academy Award-winning song-smith Miles Goodman, and featuring energetic chorography by Jerry Zaks and Vince Pesce, the film became a moderate hit, garnering a box office of $38 million on a budget of $25 million but became a smash hit when released on home video.

LITTLE SHOP was nominated for two Academy Awards and one Golden Globe Award.  LITTLE SHOP also became the first DVD to be recalled due to content.  In 1998, Warner Brothers released a DVD that contained the approximately 23-minute original ending but it was in black and white without sound.  This angered distributor Geffen and the DVDs were pulled from store shelves within days and replaced with a second edition.  The discs that contain the original black and white footage are considered collector’s items, selling for as much as $150.00 on EBay.  But, the saga of LITTLE SHOP does not end there!  In 1991, it became the plot of a short-lived animated television show titled LITTLE SHOP in which a nebbish junior-high student named Seymour owns a man-eating plant named Audrey Jr.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS 1986 trailer:

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS which began as a little movie whose director has so little faith in its survival that he didn’t even copyright it has become big business.  It was announced in April 2009 that Declan O’Brien (“Sharktopus,” “Wrong Turn: Bloody Beginnings”) would helm yet another remake of LITTLE SHOP.  However, in an interview with Bloody Disgusting.com, Declan declared his version “won’t be a musical ... it’s will be dark.”  As of this writing, Declan’s version is still on the back burner.  On May 4, 2012, Warner-Brothers announced it’s in the planning stages of a remake of LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and has hired “Glee” co-producer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (“Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark” and MGM/ Screen Gems remake of “Carrie”) to write the script.  Mark Platt (“Drive”) will co-produce.  In addition, Variety reports that THE DARK KNIGHT RISES star Joseph Gordon-Levitt is circling the lead role of nerdy Seymour Krelboyne.  With the producer of Fox’s hit TV series “Glee” helming, it’s a safe bet that this version will be a restyling of the 1986 Frank Oz musical version.  No date has been set yet for the principle shooting schedule and no actors have yet been cast.

Five decades have passed since Roger Corman decided to use some old standing sets to film a quickie movie, and what a phenomenon that quirky, dark comedy THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS has become!  Lauded by film critics ... Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 91% freshness rating ... and laughed at by millions of viewers, it’s been released with a commentary track by Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Michael J. Nelson and in 2009 was released by Rifftrax with Nelson and fellow MST3K cast members Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett.  Legend’s colorized version is also available from Amazon Video on Demand.  Apparently, there is no stopping the phenomenon that is THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS.


MSTjunkie






Cambot’s Voice by S. J. Martiene

EXPERIMENT 3:  I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF


I mentioned in Experiment 1 that I was a Mom of two teenagers. Some of the best, MSTied movies feature the teenager and B-movie genres.  It just so happens that this month’s feature, MST3K #809 I Was a Teenage Werewolf fits both bills perfectly. Of course, they are SUPPOSE to be teenagers in this film, but Hollywood has an affinity for older actors playing high-schoolers; ONE of which is playing our monster. We have it all in this movie.  There is milk-throwing, raw meat-eating, a Halloween party, bad singing, a mad scientist, and yes…a werewolf. The fact that THIS particular lycanthrope is portrayed by none other than TV icon, Michael Landon makes this movie interesting for riffing on so many fronts.  There are Bonanza jokes, Little House on the Prairie jokes, and Highway to Heaven jokes.  There is even one riff dedicated to a 1976 autobiographical movie Landon wrote and directed called The Loneliest Runner.
I have to say that since re-watching this movie, the host segments are some of the best of the series.  With a runtime of only 76 minutes, the host segments are a bit more detailed and really show the comedic timing and writing talents of the gang.  So enjoy, as we take you through the exploits of 1957’s I Was a Teenage Werewolf.

Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
Michael Landon
...
Yvonne Fedderson
...
Arlene Logan (as Yvonne Lime)
Whit Bissell
...
Tony Marshall
...
Dawn Richard
...
Barney Phillips
...
Detective Donovan
Ken Miller
...
Cynthia Chenault
...
Pearl (as Cindy Robbins)
Michael Rougas
...
Robert Griffin
...
Joseph Mell
...
Malcolm Atterbury
...
Eddie Marr
...
Vladimir Sokoloff
...
Louise Lewis
...
HOST SEGMENT 1:
The Bots want to overthrow Mike as Captain of the ship – they soon learn none of them are capable of replacing him.  Crow and Tom nominate Gypsy, but she has to run the ship.  Crow has a set of creepy crawlers in the thing-maker…and well, Servo…is Servo.  He has prepared a “statement” on WHY he cannot be Captain.  This is one of my favorites, so read on, won’t we?

“..I cannot be Captain, for you see dear friends, I am unfit to lead other men into battle, into space, or in a line dance.  I submit that if I picked my nose for a half an hour, my head would cave in.  I’m nary to know betwixt shinola and that other stuff.  I cannot lead because I cannot find my ass with both hands and a flashlight…I will now open the floor to questions about my accomplishments.”
Since Servo’s concession speech is over, Mike regains his position as Captain.  Servo mocks him as only a conceding Bot can.  Pearl, Brain Guy, and Professor Bobo are on Earth (somewhere).  They are camped out and Pearl has told Mike she is putting the crew on battery back-up, disconnecting them from their main power source.  This upsets Mike greatly… “We’ll be without power???”  And then, what follows, is the BEST Pearl Forrester line ever:

“… You know what else?  You’ll be without diapers too, you big, huge, giant babies!! DEAL WITH IT!!”
Pearl packs up all the gear, and sends the guys a movie.  Soon, there’s a hull breach and Servo comes back with a face hugger.
MOVIE SIGN!
During this film, there are many parodies of the Bonanza theme song.  The movie opens with our lycanthropic protagonist, Tony, in a school yard fight.  Soon we see Detective Donovan (Barney Phillips).  You may remember him from the EXCELLENT Twilight Zone episode, Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?  He does what he can to calm Tony down, but he doesn’t want to have any of it.  You will notice a high number of Richard Jewell jokes during this segment.  Google him if you don’t remember what happened at the ’96 Olympics.  Anywho, Donovan wants Tony to see a “doctor/shrink/mad scientist”.  Tony disagrees and walks off with his girl.  The next scene takes us home and his Dad.  Tony protests too much when Dad tries to talk about his stubbornness.  His Dad leaves for work, chiding him to NOT eat his lamb chops raw like he did his burgers.  Tony has had enough of everyone yapping at him all day and we see the whole premise of his demise see ….MILK HURDLING!! (all the guys make kitty meow sounds here) The scene switches to Arlene’s house, where “Jabba the Husband” and the woman with “Aaron Burr’s Hairstyle” live.  They give the 50’s “talking” to the Tony the boyfriend.  Girlfriend starts harping about the doctor again. 
Now it is PARTY TIME…with vague “Kinda White” music, innocuous pranks, great lines, and the running joke with safety dummy, Resusi-Anne.  “Ah...kids those days!”  (Crow)
HOST SEGMENT 2
Crow has a Proximity Detector to see how bad the alien life forms are on the ship.  They are all OVER, problem is…..he had the wrong setting activated on the detector and was measuring the humidity.  They have LOTS of humidity, by the way.

MOVIE SIGN
Back to the party… “Elvis J. Pollard” is singing.  “We are now entering a genital-free zone.” (Servo) The song is one of the worst ever, almost as bad as when Michael Landon was on the TV show Hullaballoo (Google that if it is around…YIKES).  After the song is over, the DUMB pranks start.  Mike:  “The Carnival of Souls boyfriend.”  One of the guys blows a horn in Tony’s ear … and suddenly it’s “The Sock Hop of the Damned” (Mike).  Tony slugs one of his friends and pushes down his girlfriend.  Servo laments, “I thought it was alright if I picked a little fight, Bonanza?”
That little episode at the party lands our little werewolf-to-be in the office of veteran B-movie actor, Whit Bissell (who was actually in some really good films too).  Bissell’s character, Dr. Brandon also has a sidebar conscience (his assistant played by Joseph Mell).  Dr. Brandon hypnotizes him, and he closes the session saying, “Soon…you’ll be yourself.”  “An angel, a cowboy, a pioneer dad.” (Mike)
The kids have another gathering…but Tony is bumming.  Frank (another kid) isn’t pairing up with anyone and will walk home alone. 
Cut to Frank walking home ALONE. ”Ray Fiennes IS Li’l Abner!”  (Crow)  “I was a teenage werewolf snack.” (Servo)  We know Frank is TOAST he just runs and falls and falls and runs…and well…this IS a predictable set-up in a B-movie.

HOST SEGMENT 3
Servo hunts down face hugger and kills him. Did I mention he was heavily armed? He is going after the “beast” that has the ship surrounded.  Crow and Mike are taking bets on how long it takes Servo to cry.  And he does cry..singing…”Don’t Cry Out Loud”, “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, and “(They’re Coming to) America”.

MOVIE SIGN

The movie returns and we find ourselves at the police station, with Detective Donovan.  Another policeman walks in.  This guy….NAMED GUY Williams did not get a first billing, but he became known later playing TV’s Zorro and Dr. John Robinson of Lost in Space.  Also, there is an introduction to Pepe,the janitor, at the police station who wanted to look at the pictures.  Pepe knows right away, the death is caused by a werewolf.  “You’re crazier than Dr. Smith!” (Servo)

Tony goes back for another session at Dr. Brandon’s.  Tony is scared.  “I found a leather jacket in my stool this morning!” (Servo)  Brandon keeps battling with his assistant.  Tony remains tense.
High school, high school and we have to see a girl in yucky gym leotards.  Tony talks to the principal and he gets kudos from her.  He leaves and starts watching the gymnast. “It’s alright if I kill a couple of kids, Bonanza!” (Crow)  He leaves the office and bells ring “Oops, he’s Johnny Depping.” (Mike) He attacks her in front of many people then, the poor girl dies.  “This is good, she caught him in the act and she can rub his nose in it.” (Servo)  When the cops arrive, all the kids finger Tony, but they can’t believe it.  Even Dr. Brandon denies Tony could BE a werewolf.  Everyone gets a going over, the Dad, the girlfriend, and Tony is still howling up and down the woods.  “Just give him a Liv-a-snap.” (Servo) 

HOST SEGMENT 4

The beast is laying GIANT alien eggs. The guys start making omelettes and …well, Crow starts designing the menu.  “She’s not around, which means she could be anywhere!”  (Servo) Suddenly Crow becomes a restaurant critic.

MOVIE SIGN!
A search commences for Tony.  I’ll just list a series of riffs during this segment because there is no real action to describe except for guys peering through things.  “Try banging on his food dish, men.” (Mike)  “The Bernard Hermann score really heightens the tension”.  (Servo)  “Looks like Paddington on a bender”  (Mike)  “This werewolf is a herbivore.  Luckily, this guy’s name is Herb.”  (Crow)  “Indiana Jones and his sidekick, Merle.”  (Crow)  “Never let Jose Feliciano lead your search party.” (Mike)  “Sir, I think I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand.” (Mike)  “1943- an Ewok makes it behind German lines” (Servo)
Finally Tony changes back to Tony.  He calls Arlene but cannot speak to her.  The police want to know who called her; she couldn’t tell.  “…I’ll check in with Huggy Bear.” (Servo) Tony then returns to Dr. Brandon, who decides to put him under one more time.  “Dogs can sense bad acting.” (Servo)  Tony changes back into a wolf; this isn’t good for Whit Bissell.  The cops FINALLY come in and look at the debris field.  “Wow, a werewolf that size can really poop!”  (Servo)  They shoot to kill, guessing somewhere along the line the silver bullet necessity has been covered.  Tony is dead.  Whit Bissell is dead.  All that is left is for the police to cry over spilled werewolf.
The guys exit the theater and they soon see the alien has taken over the ship.  They have to reverse the ship polarities to remove it.  This didn’t work, so they have to do the one thing they were saving that would repulse the alien so much, it would have to leave.  Mike became Adam Duritz of Counting Crows.  It worked.  Once they regained control of the ship, we see Pearl telling ghost stories around the campfire to Bobo and Brain Guy.  She has them crying like little girls.
This movie is a howling good time.  Seriously, it has EVERYTHING.  I have seen it unriffed and riffed many, many times and every time I laugh my butt off.  If you get the chance to see it, don’t miss it. 
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